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How to Handle Hoovering

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Hoovering nut bags want to “stay in touch.”
But we hesitate, stuck in yet more cognitive dissonance.
We have decisions to make.

Hoovering narcissistic sociopaths (you might be calling them a narcissist without using the sociopath word, but whatever we call them they) keep up the masquerade up and the facade place as long as possible.

They do this even in the face of pure ridiculousness and obvious lying. They don’t care or mind if we know what they are…! Not one jot. They do care what we do once we know.

They mind very much if we “stay in” or bolt. If we kick them to the curb or leave the cookie jar open. If we tell others, or if we’re going to keep our mouths shut.

Any and all of this can only happen through contact. Hoovering is contact… and has the same motivation as any contact they’ve made since day one and the first hello. Isn’t this how the whole thing happened…? Them reaching out?

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Con Artists Hoover: We Anticipate Hoovering With Mixed Emotions

Please make any and each decision rooted in a wish to rebuild your life… Focus on and look toward your well being… free your bones and heart and soul and life of the maniac.

Our stomach churns. They’re in our heads. They stay present at the surface and underneath every moment of the day. This is the antithesis of “over.” And if it isn’t over and zero contact, we’ve not yet put a solid step onto the long road of healing.

At this point in the sham, letting our phone ring with their reaching grasp is all-in from their point of view. If they can reach us, they consider us active prey. This is all it takes: buuzzzz-buuzzzz-buuzzzz. (That’s your phone buzzing.)

Hoovering Hits the Gut as Trauma and Harassment

Do you feel that? Even the idea of that phone vibrating and jumping on the table is nauseating. Listen to your gut. Trust yourself. What they care about is that we’re still “all-in.” As long as we leave a portal open, the narcissistic user has a chance to seep their way back in. Or step on in. And stay in. 

To Block, or Not to Block the Nut-Bag: Or to Get a New Number?

All it takes is one more buzz of a text, one more late-night call. Another email. Facebook messaging. WhatsApp…another call. – Give ourselves every advantage in healing. Peace of mind, a truly fresh start can’t begin when any portal from them to us is open. We block them, we change our number, and also begin again with a new email address.

Do Know: Sociopaths boomerang; in a year or maybe five they can ring up your same-good-old-number from a new number of theirs and that sickening snake charmer dance begins again with: “Hey! Let’s get coffee…” 
Recovery sessions Jennifer Smith Restore after narcissistic abuse

Top 3 Reasons for Not Blocking or Getting a New Number

  • Many find these points to be an obstacle to blocking them or getting a new number:
    • I can’t change my number because of my clients and my business
    • It makes me feel strong to see his call come in and not take it
    • It’s hard to block him; we were together for so many years

It Can Seem Impossible to Block Them: Consider Again

Oh, I get it. We feel like our life has been turned upside down and, it has. What we want to do is take all our reasoning, and all our decisions and turn them into moments of self-care, embracing our own life and building our lives the way we want them to be.

This is separate from basing our decisions on “fear” or “love” for the sociopath or because of not yet accepting what they really are.

Take no responsibility or blame for the presence of these kinds of pathological predatory humans in your life. You’re not responsible for the inhumanity of a sociopath. Do take your healing and the restoration of your life into your own hands. Take 100% responsibility for healing, recovering, and becoming sociopath (narcissist) user free forever. Let’s look at each of these seemingly reasonable reasons for not getting a new number.

Can’t Change Your Number Because Your Clients Use It?

I get how this can seem logical. But. Really….?! Isn’t this the very reason to change your number…? You need your phone. You need your phone. We need to conduct business. To continue building our lives. We need the freedom to create our business without fear, without hoovering, stalking, and mental and emotional torture.

Make this about ourselves. Use this time to change your number so that you can build a business and connect with clients freely; know that none of those incoming calls will be from bozo-the-user.

Have a client email list…? Write a cheery newsletter and send out your new number; maybe with a special offer for your product or service. Most business people strain to find reasons to reach out to clients…! Use this to our advantage. Make it a good thing. Let your phone ring freely.

Breaking Up With Evil

Breaking Up with Evil, by Jennifer Smith on Amazon and Good Reads

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

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Some Say: I Feel Strong Not Answering the Sociopath’s Calls

Fell strong by not answering while the loon rings through…? I do get that. Okay. But, you always were strong, that’s part of why and what about you held their fake life up so well.

Let’s look at this a little. Are you feeling a little flattered that they call? That’s natural, but, does it serve you? Does the experience of the phone buzzing make us feel truly and genuinely good? Or does it leave you feeling pretty rotten over the next few days?

Are you still – somewhere inside yourself still feeling a connection to them that you aren’t ready to disrupt? Are we still in a surreal comfort zone? Are we wanting to see if they call out of fear of them?

Every Move We Make is Meant to be for Our Well Being

We can’t compromise our safety, well-being, and happiness for the benefit of the dark side. It’s a natural, second-nature skill we’ve honed during our time with the sociopath. Painting less-than-good circumstances into reasonable logic is the body’s beautiful, innate ability to make it through hard times.

This is how we survive and adapt to the confusion – technically this is managing cognitive dissonance. We all do this, usually daily. It’s decision-making. Let our decision land on our side.

Cognitive Dissonance is Normal: We Can Resolve to Cognitive Harmony

We weigh and balance, and sort through options as a part of life; We regularly feel cognitive dissonance, in many ways, even throughout the day. It’s essentially decision-making.

As we can’t resolve the things they say to cognitive harmony, holes show up one by one by one. And we fall into that chasm. There’s a ladder to climb out.

We need to make decisions in order to maintain working for a boss whose ethics we don’t fully support, for example. We may swallow what we prefer as a good or safe way to spend time when negotiating how late our teen can stay out on Saturday night. It’s simply resolving a conflict between one thought and another.

We settle cognitive dissonance when we’re weighing whether to eat potato chips and cream cheese for dinner or salad with some healthy protein. – We need this life-saving and species-preserving trait. It’s a great and gorgeous thing — it’s time to turn our natural protective instincts truly back onto ourselves in a pure way. Trust our own lives.

Think of this: Every time that phone buzzes we’re connected whether we pick it up or not. Each time that phone rings we’re being pinged in the soul. It’s up to us… each time we let that phone ring we’re in a battle with ourselves to pick it up and maybe say: “Hello…?” Is this how we want to carry through each day…?

We Were Together for Years

Uhmmm. Yes, and no. Not exactly, I know it seems like a relationship. In this circumstance, however, you were absconded heart and soul within a crime. Know what they were up to. Accepting that these beasts exist and what that means and what truly happened is the foundation of truly recovering.

How to get a new number: Get a new number by calling your phone service provider. They’re happy to let you pick the new number from a few they’ve got available. We’re welcome to do this every few months. In a big city with multiple area codes, you can even switch that up! Exciting.

Know This About New Phone Numbers

They’re recycled. Yes. That means we get a number someone else didn’t want. Who knows why they needed or wanted a new number?

Maybe the number belonged to someone in shoes similar to yours. This means our phone might ring with strange numbers in calls that are not for us. Anything from debt collectors to who knows who or what. Be prepared… but guess who it won’t be…?

Know that anytime your phone vibrates or chimes that the caller it will not be is the con man you’re dumping out of your life. The relief in this alone is unimaginable you get that new number. Feeling your heart rate stay settled and your blood pressure stay normal when the phone bleeps is incredible!

Follow these guidelines and you’ll fall off the pathological user, nutbag narcissistic sociopath’s radar. 

How to Handle Calls We Don’t Want and Aren’t For Us

  • Never answer a call we don’t recognize
  • Take a deep breath and calmly Google the number after it comes in; you might find it’s a known number for fraud IRS (tax) demands; or just a bakery across town
  • Block all calls from such numbers
  • Never answer any call that says: Unknown Caller, Unavailable or Blocked.
  • Each time, have the confidence to say to ourselves: that call wasn’t for me
  • Trust your gut

Robo Calls That Make Our Gut Churn

Know those bill-collecting, robo-calls for Javier, Janet, or Dave will stop after a few months. And, P.S. Consider a brand new phone. And leave the old contacts on that old phone. – Start fresh.

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Cognitive Dissonance is the Basis of Decision Making

Comfort and confidence in decision-making are some of the first things that go out the window in the confusion and chaos of life entangled by a sociopath. (And these people you’re calling some kind of narcissist.) Harmony in what’s around us and in what we believe to be normal or right and the far distant shore of what we experience with them becomes a chasm we straddle.

What we first experience as profound compatibility with these creatures changes drastically. One foot on one side, one on the other as the divide grows wider. As we can’t resolve the things they say into cognitive harmony, holes, and gaps of oddities show up one by one by one.

We end up stepping into those gapping oddities and nearly tottering to the bottom of that canyon. Fortunately, there’s also a ladder there for us to use to climb out. It’s our beautiful need for harmony that takes us into that dark abyss and lends us the way out.

TED Talks to Watch When We Have Big Decisions to Make

The confusion escalates in post-trauma. I know the place you landed; I was once there too. It’s a hellish quagmire of quicksand and jello that is PTSD. Knowing what to do comes back slowly. It falls into place in great huge, encouraging chunks with each decision we bravely make.

Please make any and each decision rooted in a wish to rebuild your life for your own sake. Focus on and look toward your well-being as a Drishti point. This leeches the terror out of our bones; the terror wrought by the sociopath’s venomous deceit. You will free your bones and heart and soul and life of the maniac.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Your unique guided recovery coaching

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The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

Visit truelovescam’s profile on Pinterest.

True Love Scam Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse Unwound, Jennifer Smith, truelovescam.com, and narcissisticabuseunwound.com, and its agents are not professionally licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. All social media, presentations, publications, podcasts, public speaking, audio appearances, writings, and coaching are carried out under the pseudonym “Jennifer Smith”. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery et al Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you. Founded 2014 © All Rights Reserved in Perpetuity. IT IS ILLEGAL TO COPY OR REPRODUCE ANY CONTENT FROM THIS WEBSITE FOR ANY REASON WITHOUT EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE CREATOR.

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3 Dangers of Female Sociopaths

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Female sociopaths exist. Big time.
In their empty souls
they’re the same as any sociopath.
They do use feminine charm to take and to ruin.

Female sociopaths aka narcissists and male sociopaths possess the same malfunctioning brain that leaves their hearts barren. They have no love, no genuine care or concern for anyone besides themselves.

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It’s a reality, no matter what century we’re in, no matter the culture, though in some cultures far more than others that we expect women to be loving and nurturing mothers and loyal and monogamous and assume they are.

The unexpectedness of encountering a woman who is the antithesis of all this to the point of bare evil is traumatic. It sends us spinning into a prolonged state of disbelief.

To be fair, encountering any sociopath is traumatic: even when we don’t know that they’re a sociopath. There is undeniably an extra jolt when we do realize the person in front of us is a sociopath and female. This natural and normal disbelief on our part, buys them further time to wreak havoc in the lives of their prey.

That expectation of women beign sweet and lovig and sugar and spice is used as a tool by female sociopaths. Let me give a shout out to what’s real: most women are nurturing and loving. And – news flash – so are most men.

Normal Sees the World Through Normal: That’s Normal

The gorgeous humans, who fall into the traps of a sociopath aka who fall into the traps of a narcissist, are some of the most amazing humans on the planet.

If they sense you will possibly reveal them publically or to authorities as the wrongdoer expect some kind of deep smear. This is how they protect themselves, by weaving this kind of false and fraudulent set-up, putting you in the guilty seat.

The men who fall into this hell are incredible – as are the women… this though, is a case for so many of us who feel “there are no good men out there“. I’m here to tell you that there are.

There are indeed good men. The one’s who I work with in recovery sessions blow me away with their kindness, their pride in monogamy, their respect for women, and their huge hearts. Good men exist – and the female sociopaths who prey upon them count upon this goodness to twist them around. – This is how every sociopath works. Our normal, our innate goodness and human qualites are snatched up and used to swing us like a cat by its tail.

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Are There Really Female Sociopaths?

Female sociopaths aka female narcissists exist. They’re identical to male sociopaths in their empty souls and evil guts. For them, using feminine charm and lurid sexuality to take and to ruin is fair play. Depending upon our assumptions about what it means to be female, we’re possibly in for a harder and darker ride.

Sociopaths aka narcissists exist in every gender, in every social or economic class. You can find them in any religion, at a University, in any bar, in the laundromat, and at a wine tasting.

Fraudsters comprise about 95% of the profiles on dating apps which are absolutely packed with them. They can be – and are – anywhere and in every walk of life. Some of them even pose as people trying to help the prey of sociopaths to heal and recover. – They’re liars.

The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

3 Dangers of Female Sociopaths aka Female Narcissists

Being female gives the female sociopath aka the female narcissist an extra special bit of opportunity to make use of others.

  • Marriage: Community property and access to monetary support and property
  • Pregnancy: Life long financal support and open predatory access to you
  • Criminal charges: Domestic abuse, and rape

Why Do Female Sociopaths Marry?

Female sociopaths marry in order to gain financially or socially, to obtain possessions or respectability – only. There’s no love involved. They sign up with the intention of being supported by their spouse while they do whatever they like including still preying upon other men (or women).

As the predators they are, the female sociopath will push so hard for marriage they’ve been known to buy their own engagement rings. Divorce is usually the ultimate goal; ideally, this brings high alimony, a big settlement, or property.

Traditional Gender Roles Tip Into the Female Sociopath’s Hand

Being 100% supported financially by their male prey is a go-to for female sociopaths; they do hit the jack-pot fairly readily with this one sliding right into this traditional relationship dynamic.

All the while they’re sleeping with a whole team, a fleet, a crew, a slew of other men, women or both just as male sociopaths do. Please, see a doctor and have STD tests done. Female sociopaths are just as evil as male sociopaths. There’s no sugar and spice to be found inside the outwardly female pathological user.

More to Know: Yes, there are both male and female sociopaths. Sociopaths present themselves to the world mainly as their obvious biological gender, but are in fact something we could only call, genderless. Read more about the genderless nature of sociopaths here: Sociopaths Sexual Boundaries.

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Pregnancy: a Smoke Screen for “Normal”

Unexpected or not, pregnancy can bring the sweet scent of “normal” and more importantly big bucks for years and years to a female sociopath. And guess what, it doesn’t matter if she has this innocent child with a male or female target.

Women of antisocial personality disorder, ASPD – also many times called narcissists and thoght to be NPD, have fewer children than male sociopaths. The male sociopath aka narcissist populates the earth indiscriminately with many children that they leave by the wayside. Female sociopaths want to bear children in limited quantities for some pretty basic reasons:

  • The annoyance of pregnancy; it puts a damper on scamming
  • Pregnancy makes changes in their looks perceived to reduce their seductiveness
  • Children are not genuinely wanted and are not loved; they are a meal ticket

Every Sociopath aka Narcissist Cares Only About Personal Gain

Aside from possessing a child creating the necessary public persona of “normal”, female sociopaths have children for these other reasons: money, money, and money. Once a child is on the scene they can legitimately demand support and whether married or not, they take men to court to get it. In marriage and in divorce this plot includes taking your property.

All the while they’re sleeping with a whole team, a fleet, a crew, a slew of other men, women or both just as male sociopaths do.

Unwanted and surprise pregnancies or coerced “plans” for children all have the same motivation and result. Poking holes into condoms and lies about birth control or infertility are basic for a sociopath. If you have children with a female sociopath, consider DNA testing the babies. The results might not change your feelings for the children, but they can absolutely change court orders.

Children can bring big-bank to the female sociopath, and while you may be willing to voluntarily support financially in some way, the court-ordered maintenance is extortion when the pregnancy is a surprise, or attributed to the wrong man. 

Domestic Violence: Staged, Forced, and Faked to Cry “Victim”

Female sociopaths commonly create a wife-beater scenario. It dovetails with the sociopath’s need to seem like the victim, and further this is a style of self-defense as is any kind of smear campaign.

In this kind of attack the sociopath – male or female or any gender – is attempting to make their case for this so that their story is the one that is believed and the focus is shifted to their prey – that is to you – as the wrongdoer.

Self-Harm to Blame You

They do this in two ways. She will become violent to incite a response of violence. By hitting first, the hope is that the man – or woman – will hit them back. If this doesn’t work, they have other options.

Female sociopaths are just as evil as male sociopaths. There’s no sugar and spice to be found inside the outwardly female pathological user.

Female sociopaths aka narcissists are known to inflict self-injury and claim that you did it to them…they could throw themselves into the edge of the coffee table. Bang their heads on the shower wall. Smash their own arms with a hammer… Blacken and bruise their own body and legs.

They might call the cops at the moment of beating themselves up or instead they take pictures of the blood and bruises, then later file police reports of abuse based on this craziness. – Each of these examples is a situation I’ve seen.

Claim Rape to Set Themselves Free

It is not at all beyond the female sociopath aka narcissist to claim rape. This makes staying away from them crucial. Keeping them away from your home, and not going to theirs is critical. If this is a co-worker, never be alone with them in an office or other room at your place of work. If this is unavoidable, leave the doors open.

Not meeting anywhere at all becomes serious for you as prey when the sociopath is ramping up into trying to subdue you. this occurs as they begin to see you as a threat to their own facade and freedom. If they sense you will possibly reveal them publically or to authorities as the wrongdoer expect some kind of deep smear. This is how they protect themselves, by weaving this kind of false and fraudulent set-up, putting you in the guilty seat.

Protect Yourself from Court and Jail

There are, unfortunately, restraining orders, and wins in domestic violence, or rape charge legal battles based on false allegations staged by female sociopaths. – Take the prospect of court or legal charges seriously. Find out how to position yourself to win against false claims.

Save every email, every text, and SMS. These can become proof of their lies. Do not respond to them. Go no contact and keep no contact as the only real protection against this. No contact is life-saving.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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The Podcast! Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

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SD Voyager interview

As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

Visit truelovescam’s profile on Pinterest.

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True Love Scam Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse Unwound, Jennifer Smith, truelovescam.com, and narcissisticabuseunwound.com, and its agents are not professionally licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. All social media, presentations, publications, podcasts, public speaking, audio appearances, writings, and coaching are carried out under the pseudonym “Jennifer Smith”. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery et al Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you. All Rights Reserved In Perpetuity 2014 ©

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