Trauma Bonding Comes From our Innate Goodness

Trauma Bonding originates in normal stress response.
Another human function a Sociopath hijacks for their own use.
Another element of human-ness the victims are blamed for as if it’s a weakness.
Let’s put a stop that right now.

11407138_1591316094474757_7443688208356041061_n[1]Bonding in times of stress occurs whether we like it or not. It’s a built-in mechanism  – not to ruin us – but to bring us connection with those we love and to build new-found resilience and strength to handle the crisis. In the chaos of life with a sociopath – we do bond with them, because we love them despite the fact they’re the cause of the trauma. — And then we see the truth. Breaking the trauma bond is doable. “Trauma Bonding” isn’t a weakness in our soul. It’s innate in healthy human beings. There is nothing wrong with us. We are not broken. We are richly, fully, amazingly human. This is our saving grace.

Targets Blamed for the Scam

All we need is a little knowledge and far less judgement. The prey of sociopaths are blamed for the scam, blamed for hanging on…?! Phhhffftt!  – Sorry, Charlie. We’re human. Glorious, gorgeous, amazing human! — And because we’re human, we’ll forgive those who say, “Didn’t you KNOW s/he was a con man?!?!?! Why did you stay…?!”  – Let’s dissect the biology of the trauma bond to understand how we can heal ourselves.

The bottom of our world drops.
The love of our life is a beast from hell.
Our stomach lurches, our heart pounds, we choke on our breath.
Adrenaline floods our brain.

The revelation that there is no love; the discovery that we’re the ‘mark’ of a criminal fraudster takes our breath away; brings vertigo and laser clarity in equal measure. In one moment we go from the struggle of trying to align an out-of-sync relationship to the blinding truth that there isn’t one – there wasn’t one. It’s true love scam.


No relationship here. Nothing but a collision.

When we See Behind the Mask to the Monster

Yes, before the mask completely falls we know things aren’t great – but not in our wildest imagination can we or anyone else yet comprehend the reality: we face a maestro of deceit and destruction wearing the skin and clothing of a person we thought was the love of our life. Terror floods our veins; danger stands before us where what felt merely like troubled-love stood only a split second ago. Our heart races. Our mind spins.

We’re at a precipice. A crucial moment that decides our future.
We fall into a chasm of terror or lift ourselves to a new life.
Either takes the same energy.

We’ve all heard – and have experienced – that stress makes us sick from annoying colds to heart attacks. Stress has been thought to be something to avoid. There is no avoiding stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. During even one year of lots of stress, a leading health psychologist, Dr. Kelly McGonigal tells us, studies show that stress gives a 43% increased risk of edging us toward our demise – but that’s old news! Now they know – DRUM ROLL: This is the result only if we believe stress is harmful. – Remember, they used to believe the earth was flat?

There’s a new take on stress.
Stress is now known as the “biology of courage.”
Trauma bonding and the trauma of life with a sociopath is our path to amazingness.
It’s one of the cool things about being human.

The rush of blood and adrenaline, the rapid heart rate – the other chemicals made by our bodies under stress – will, rather than defeat us, save our lives.

Stress and Trauma Cause Us to Bond

Stress gives us access to our hearts. The stress of trauma gives us the instinct to reach out to others who love us and — to support those in stress. This connecting factor saves us and brings health and longevity. Stress – even stress from a monster attack – is our friend. It isn’t the enemy as we’ve been taught; stress isn’t the road to the common cold, but the pathway to more compassion for ourselves and anyone in need of support.

Our pounding heart is preparing us for action, pumping energy into our blood stream. The increased breathing is getting oxygen to our brains for precise body function. When we think of the stress response as on our side rather than something that makes us sick we relax into it and biochemically within our body the reaction is “like that in moments of joy and courage”.

Courage and connection is found in the alchemy of this life and death traumatic stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. – A stronger, bigger better heart.

There is a simple hypothesis about what steers the human brain to trust another human: a hormone called oxytocin….our behavior is also influenced by a large number of very complex, yet identifiable, biological processes. Future research should help us understand how cognitive and biological processes interact in shaping our decisions about whom to trust. ~ Brain Trust, by Michael Kosfeld

Stress Leads Us to Others – Its a Good Thing

Stress makes us social – the chemical reaction in the body from stress makes us reach out to those we love and simultaneously causes us to fight for those we love. That famous hormone: oxytocin is a neuro-hormone created in the pituitary gland shooting magic-sauce through the body when under stress that has a special, purposeful function. As Dr. McGonigal says, it “fine tunes our social instincts.” This chemical rush primes us to do things that strengthens close relationships. Stress makes us more willing to help and support people we care about.

A built-in mechanism of handling stress: human connection.
Another human function the sociopath turns to their advantage.

Initially the chaos the sociopath whips up in our relationship; the uncertainty-certainty teeter-totter they love to play on, bonds us – to them – because of the flood of oxytocin we didn’t even know our body was shooting out.

OMG, this explains sooooo much I wanna dance and sing!!! 

Announcement: The more havoc and imbalance the sociopath makes, the more our bodies involuntary and protective stress reaction makes us reach out to them, because – at least in that moment – we still love them. That’s how humans function biologically. If we trust and believe them, we fight for them, and for us as a couple. — Until we don’t. Until they do something so horrific our body recognizes them for what they are: the enemy from hades. Then things really heat up.

When we see through the sociopath that fight-or-flight rush of oxytocin is all for us.
Run to real true love of family and long time friends.
Embrace our own lives.

Connect with others in the aftermath of a sociopath. Stress creates resilience and joy. Trust yourself – we can handle the challenge of the stress in the aftermath of a sociopath – the ability is built into our body – and even our body knows we don’t have to face it alone.

There’s more.
Introducing, Dr. Kelly McGonigal, TED Talk.
Listen to the doctor, she explains it much better than I do. 

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

It’s time to thrive!

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