Sociopaths' Sexual Boundaries - true love scam recovery

Sociopaths’ sexual boundaries.
Vague, twisting, bending, illusion.
Sociopaths’ gender and sexuality isn’t fluid, it’s manufactured.

Sociopaths’ sexual boundaries change with their prey. That person you’re calling a “narcissist” or even a sociopath that is, is changeable sexually. What I mean by this is, they decide prey by prey how much of their debauchery and what “flavor” of their sexuality to let out of the bag.

Though we might see them as one thing sexually, as preferring a certain type of sexual expression they each have habits and tendencies that are not shown to each of their prey. These parasitic predators retain hidden netherworlds that not all of us, as their “girlfriend”, “boyfriend” or “spouse” is shown.

Their sexual boundaries, sexuality, and their sexual expression as presented to each prey are a part of what they use to bind people to them. Let’s look further into this…

Sociopaths’ Sexual Expression

Sociopaths and sex; sex is a binding tool to hold onto prey.

Firstly, of prime importance to the predator is presenting a “persona of normal”. They piece this persona together as best they can. They wear this face so they can walk this earth among us. So that they can use us.

When it comes to seeming normal in relation to sex, sociopaths know that they generally must “put out” sexually in order to best ensnare prey under a “romantic” scam.

They might even introduce this within a business scam because sex is so powerful a pull for us.

Sex Means Commitment

Parasitic predators observe that sex is important to us normal people. (it’s important to them as well, but not for the reason it’s important to us.) They don’t understand our sentiment and reasons for the meaning we find in sexual interactions.

But they have noticed that for us, sex signifies a real connection and is most often part of what we consider a committed relationship. They want us to be committed to them; deeply ensnared emotionally so that they can take more longer. This is why sex is important to the sociopath.

To prey, their sexual life is a presentation, a façade, and each prey potentially is shown a differing version of this from the same sociopathic individual.

So, in order for us to believe we’re in something real, to establish a “romantic” or committed relationship, from our perspective, sex would need to be a part of this. – For this reason, they bring sex into it and often quite quickly.

The one alternative is that they claim that sex is so important to them they need to wait until marriage or some event signifying commitment. This really knocks some of our socks off, especially if we hold a moral belief, a religious faith or precept that sex ought to be only in marriage or within a defined commitment.

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Sociopaths’ Sexual Pull Ensnares Us

For us, once sex is in the picture or promised at a meaningful juncture, our trust, our devotion and attachment to them deepens. This isn’t due to any skill they have or any shortcoming of ours. It occurs because we’re normal and they are pathological parasitic predators.

The thing is, no matter their outward gender, no matter the gender of a target, sociopaths by virtue of what they are coax out the same trust. Lure in, and administer the same feigned care, take with the same malevolent agenda.

We tend to pretend everything is wonderful; be thankful, as this is a natural and wise protective action mercifully performed spontaneously by our bodies.

To prey, their sexual life is a presentation, a façade, and each prey potentially is shown a differing version of this from the same sociopathic individual. The truth is parasitic predators ignore some prey sexually, carry out routine sex with some, and use some prey for sexual entertainment.

Their “entertainment” can include sexual violence. Drugging and rape. And trafficking; sending us off to have sex with someone else; loaning us out. Additionally, to our sickening horror, parasitic predators have no qualms about using sex as a blackmail device. And always sex is a binding tool, to keep prey in place.

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Behind the Sociopath’s Sexual Façade

We’re all ensorcelled… Some of us find the sex to be “unbelievable”. A “fit” that is beyond anything, an electric jolt, a binding material unlike anything we’ve known and tend to surmise that this is -they are- the best sex we’ve ever had. This is hard to walk away from. Inevitably however, this changes.

They change; maybe seem distracted, or distant. We notice they don’t look at us… They might let slip bone-chilling words that reveal what they really are, in truth so evil our good and sweet normal minds reject it. In the afterglow they may say things like: You only think you love me. Or: If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.

The Dark Side of Sociopaths and Sex

It could be that mid sexual intimacy they smirk and laugh, and with a strange look in their eyes say something like: You really like that don’t you. This causes immediate uncontrollable and deep shame or embarrassment to bubble up in us. A sense of exposure and vulnerability long past nakedness.

We feel a weird and cold terror rise up from within us when that smirk comes out, their coldness shows up. Yet, there we are, under them, or them inside us and we can’t move away. We tend to pretend everything is wonderful; be thankful, as this is a natural and wise protective action mercifully performed spontaneously by our bodies.

Pain, Fear, Torture, Rejection

Some of these monsters go much further into psychological, emotional, physical sexual torture. Within every “romantic” dynamic of predator and prey, ultimately they execute the same duplicity. Evoke pain. Elicit fear. – And then there’s the all-consuming sexual rejection they hand out to some prey. Typically to those they marry or live with and this too has purpose rooted in their gain. And grounded in the truth that they have no sexual or romantic desire for any of us specifically. We are merely objects to use.

When we see this darker side, we’re confused. Our head spins. This is trauma. The world as we know it, and our place in it, slides out from under us. And being the gorgeous humans that we are, we must reconcile their bizarre behavior, the hurtful things they do and the weird sex with what we know to be right and good. This is normal. They are not.

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Sociopaths’ Sex Live: The Others

Seeing sociopaths’ sexual boundaries and flexible gender as an open-ended expanse, colored in and molded to fit whichever prey dangles in their claws, is a hideous revelation. They’re beyond gender fluid, sexual preference flowing; they’re gender and sexual preference “manufactured”. They construct what they need to be sexually to get what they want.

A sociopaths’ sexual reality is another piece of the mask that falls away, another bottom that drops.

This is a hard one to accept, but as I made my escape, I absorbed the truth of this. One day in particular stands out as a gut punching revelation of his sexual reality. In the earlier days after I kicked him out, I had to gather evidence for my green card fraud annulment so I contacted every woman I knew of that he was involved with. Each and every one that I suspected as “the other woman”. There were multiple. And some men.

Among the flock of women he kept in his grip, one of the designated fiancés asked me: Is he bisexual? One of his “girlfriends” asked: Is he gay? There were more, and this went on for months.

These revelations brought to mind a rare time he’d sat with me, telling me about a man who touched his knee… This nut bag I’d married, confiding, bizarrely intimate asked me: Do you think he was gay? Are people really gay? – It fell in place in my mind that this weird confusing conversation vibrated with a sexual energy he and I had at no other time. He, willingly in it, creating it; and me pulled in unwittingly and unwillingly. Even then, I’d been used.

When Reality Hits Us Hard

One day doing more research into this creature I was outside pacing in my courtyard and on my phone. I froze, listening to another so-called fiancé of my so-called husband as she told me: Yah, we’d get really drunk and he’d f–k me in the a-s every night. A wall slammed shut somewhere inside me. My body shut down my ears and mind because, any more and I’d lose my mind. I couldn’t take in another word or my mind would break.

It was much too much. My head spun, the earth fell out from under me. But another part of me opened up to a whole different picture of this Mr. Charming, this amazing husband of mine.

A part of me knew this was the truth, this was the creature I was married to. I was married to a lying, deceiving, hideous “thing”. A genderless, boundaryless thing. I grabbed on hard and fast to that truth and over the remaining months and treacherous recovery of my life let it save me.

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Sexual Rejection: Pain That Makes Us Hold On

One reason the words of this glib, chirpy, young 23-year-old (to my 40-something) hit so hard was that from early on the sociopath con man I’d married refused to be sexual with me. Oddly and to my surprise I was aware that mingled in with the confusion and pain of his rejection was a spontaneous compulsion to try harder to please him.

To my shock, his staunch and unapproachable rejection made me want to “be better” on all fronts: To cook better dinners, to smile more, to be sweeter, to appease him; fawn on him. I’d yearned and twisted myself out of my real self, grasping for connection with him, and here this stranger, in vocal-fry Valley-girl intonations -incredulous at my ignorance about what my husband was up to- told me he was f**king her in the ass every night. And what did I think he was doing? Where had I thought he was??

I told her I thought he was at meetings. The flimsy falseness of this floated to earth. I realized I really hadn’t known what time he came in all those weeks… And while I wanted nothing to do with that mode of sex… The thing was: He’d pretended to be too Catholic to have any sex with me. And he claimed he didn’t drink alcohol.

We Try, Try, and Try Again

And, the humiliation that all the while, weekly, daily hoping to bring intimacy back in place as it should be in a marriage, I’d risked a glance his way, tried to get in a word. I lingered in a room where he was, tried to touch his hand. Wanting so badly to seem natural, casual and to hit-it just right so it wouldn’t make him mad, but would make things normal. It didn’t work. And I knew as it happened that this scared, timid approach my body impulsively carried out was not the real me.

But there I was with comprehension in two places: Knowing this wasn’t normal, wasn’t me, and the compulsion to be better. I discovered that the sexual rejection by a sociopath does something that lands us right in the palm of their hands. Our feelings of rejection while under their spell falls in their favor. They observe this. They can’t comprehend why or how it works exactly… But they know it.

Under the spell of a parasitic predator, sexual rejection and rejection of intimacy makes us try harder. Rather than leading us to break up with them immediately, first, and maybe for a long time, we try to fix it. – The desire for connection consumes us, then desire becomes drenched with pain, and then it’s only pain.

We Give the Benefit of the Doubt

As much as I knew I was afraid to broach sex with him, as much as I knew what was happening wasn’t normal, I also spent time giving him the benefit of the doubt. -And this is normal! I looked for answers that didn’t include straight-out rejection of me. Hopping onto the internet, googling away, I discovered something called sexual anorexia, or intimacy anorexia.

This is a condition that keeps people from intimacy with their primary partner but renders them highly promiscuous.

The other listed traits of intimacy anorexia, such as childhood abuse (he claimed), and all the rest of the signs and symptoms fell in line with what I’d experienced with him or been told by him about himself. With a very heavy heart, I decided this was the problem. The heavy, sad weight of what I saw as my future can’t be described. And I made every possible human attempt to accept it. To find a way to fix it, make it all work: Because we were married, and I am normal.

Normal Couples Face Things Together

I imagined and feared facing this together. Courageously united, overcoming his “sexual anorexia” as a couple. I’d use this to make us stronger! Well, to do that, I knew the first thing we had to do was talk about it…I had to bring it up. Talking about this wasn’t simple but the dread, the fear I felt was an effect him being a sociopath. Some days passed.

Then one evening the right timing seemed to be in place. Somehow not only was he at home and not busy fiddling around online or in another room, but he was also relaxed and sitting on the sofa. This was as far as our intimacy ever went and it was rare. I knew this would be my only chance to try and talk about it.

This was when we still used to sit and talk… Or more accurately, he’d talk. In our first months together we’d sit up until early in the morning with him talking and talking. I’d sometimes sit on the floor at his feet. A weird pose that my body fell into; I have no idea why I sat at his feet. My knees bent on their own spontaneously and my body lowered, sitting at his feet on the carpet. Simpering, below him as his agreeable audience.

Just to say, never in my life had I sat at anyone’s feet with one exception: I sat in the same way at the feet of one other man a few years before. Someone I rejected, ignored his calls, didn’t answer the door…but spent three years aching over. – I didn’t know it then, but I knew later this other man was (is) also a sociopath. I can only surmise the lowered position was a form of saving myself. My body knew; my life knew, but my brain didn’t.

We Do What We’d Never Otherwise Do Under Their Spell

In this moment, on the verge of bringing up his sexual anorexia, my impulse was to sit on the floor, but then I hovered near the arm of the sofa, off to the side, twisting to face him. Somewhere in my life, I knew that it wasn’t safe to be on the floor this time. My body again was protecting me.

I could see myself in my mind’s eye in this timid, mousing way unable to even sit. It felt like a play or a dream that played in my mind moving me through it all like a marionette. Gathering all of myself, palms sweating, I gently, quietly said something about his not “sleeping in the same room with me”…and I read about something…maybe it’s this…it could be sexual anorexia…

As those last words fell from my mouth I stopped myself short as his face pulled into a contortion like a wild dog showing its fangs. He clicked his tongue and spat out a whisper-hiss snarl of disgust mingled with a smirk and amusement at the idea of my stupid notion, Tttsssszzz, sexual anorexia!

The “Narcissist” is Never in the Room for the Reason We Are

I didn’t say another word. This disdainful rabid reaction led to me keep quiet, and watch him. Observe him. Along with disgust and contempt, I could see he exhibited glee… He was proud and pleased and amused because my concern meant that I considered him an actual normal human.

The proof of this was that I was taking the time to “solve our problem” as a couple! And he was pleased, proud of himself because my sincere confusion and pain over this was a sign to him that I was deeply hooked and still “in”. And… I realized he’d just learned about something new he could use to avoid sex with other prey.

Out of my normal desire to fix things with my husband, I’d inadvertently given him something he could use to keep prey hooked in. Something he hadn’t known about that would draw empathy from normal people and buy him time in their lives.

Sociopaths Know What They Are

He knew he was highly sexually active, though never with me. As he laughed at how preposterous it was that I thought he might have this condition, he gained useful info.

Going by the violence of his response, my attempt to talk about it also signaled to him that things were wearing thin for me. My asking about this let him know that the moment when his spell over me would break was much closer than he’d like. It meant he needed to move quickly to take more, which he did.

Every sociopath needs to monitor how stuck in we are, and I gave him an unsolicited update in flashing neon. I’d done his work for him (again). By bringing up this concern, it proved to him that I was indeed locked into place and saw him as “normal”…. Or normal enough to still be there, which is enough for them.

He had no such problem as sexual anorexia, but me spending time thinking that he did bought him more time in my life for a few weeks. Weeks in which he well and truly tore things up. Each side-track we run down gives them time to take more and use us more deeply.

“Fixing” Isn’t Possible

“Fixing” them, “fixing” a relationship doesn’t happen… Can’t happen with a pathological parasitic predator. Instead, my genuine worry and attempt to “fix us” showed to him that I was “in place” as prey. He had no interest in a discussion about it but much interest in keeping me locked in, so my efforts pleased him as much as he laughed at them. His response was at the same time, motivated by his preference that I shut up, and his response had his desired effect.

Fortunately, 90-days later his “spell” on me snapped irrevocably and I kicked him out. – The fear of being with him one second longer outweighed by fathoms and outer-space distances the fear -I suddenly realized I had- of him. A fear I suddenly knew had been there and grown really since the day I met him.

And if I can bring even one piece of relief, please, I’d like you to embrace your life and know what ever we did under their spell is normal. Everything we did, whatever it was, is okay. And that everything will be okay if we can break away. When we find the keys to unlock the pain and resolve losses and see what really happened as prey and predator. There’s only one thing that will not resolve or change: They will remain pathological parasitic predators, they will never “be okay”.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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