Dating someone a little…odd?
In a foggy kind of confusion since dating them?
These are signs that you’re dating a sociopath.
Are you dating someone new and thrilled to pieces?! Are you feeling excitement about them? And maybe a little shaky too…? A tad bit uneasy…? Has the horrifying notion that maybe you’re dating a sociopath suddenly appeared in your mind? This thought rises up from our gut to our conscious mind. And it freaks us out. It feels quite icky.
The thing is, this voice from the gut is telling us something our mind can’t formulate, but our bodies know. Our body is trying to tell us that this uneasiness stems from them. We need to trust our gut. (Sigh... If only it were that simple.) So…How do we know if we’re dating a sociopath… Really know?
Dating a Sociopath Feels Similar to Us All
When we begin dating a new person who happens to be a sociopathic individual it’s “different” than dating a normal person.
First, we feel incredible excitement. Sure, dating anyone new is exciting, but this is different. I imagine if you’re here reading this after googling for answers about your new potential beau, you know this difference: That odd feeling is what brought you here.
This feeling has an unsteadiness to it, you might say it’s a sense of standing too close to the edge of a cliff.
Dating a Sociopath Feels “Different”: Even if You’re Calling Them a “Narcissist”
So, about this different kind of excitement… First our brain interprets this heightened, different feeling as excitement about having met this amazing person. I know, because I lived through it.
When I encountered the nutter I married and escaped I got a message from somewhere in my body telling me something was off. My feet weren’t quite on the ground. You likely have a way to describe this different sensation the one that brought you here to look into whether or not you’re dating a sociopath.
Our body presents this feeling as a warning so that we seek to fix what’s wrong. We need answers about this unusual feeling, so we research.
Dating a Sociopath: A “Person” Who Does Not Connect or Care
It’s scary and traumatic to arrive at the thought that this person we’re dating could be a sociopath. We doubt ourselves (another sign that there is indeed a parasitic predator lurking). It takes courage and persistence to keep on the path of discovering this reality. This traumatic moment of wondering what’s up with this new person- if you can look at it and really see it for what it is, is the gateway to truth and freedom from inevitable disaster with this goof-ball and the recipe to avoid ever dating one of these beasts again.
Let’s be real, if we’re searching online, am I dating a sociopath?, or am I dating a narcissist? that’s the answer to our question. But: This isn’t enough for us. The question itself isn’t enough for us to cut this person off. It just isn’t enough and this is for a few reasons. 1) We don’t know what the feeling really means. And 2) We’re born to connect and continue relationships with others… In short: We don’t immediately drop this bozo because we’re normal people. And 3) We might already be sucked in too far.
Normal Humans Thrive on Connection
As regular normal people, we thrive and survive by connection. We connect and extend ourselves in trust toward others instinctively. We even have language to signal that we’re open to and welcome connection as found within etiquette and manners.
Therefore, we don’t easily “disconnect” or “dismiss” someone without what feels like a real reason. This icky feeling doesn’t seem real enough.
Dating a Sociopath Feels Different
When we encounter a sociopath, a “narcissist”– a pathological parasitic predator we do what humans do. We trust them, believe what they say, and “connect”. The difference is that as we try to connect with one of these creatures we experience specific sensations.
These are different sensations than when we’re connecting with another normal human. Because we can’t truly make mutual connections with a sociopath (a “narcissist”). It’s as if we’re here and we’re trying, but “nobody’s home” from their side. And this compels us to try harder.
Then as the weeks go by, the days and nights of feeling wrong-footed and off-balance don’t let up. Buzzing feelings- gut feelings of unease and instability increase in intensity. The reality is, we feel uneasy and unstable because there’s no connection happening… And because in the deepest parts of our life our body senses danger.
I want to be very clear: There’s nothing about us other than being alive, and breathing that brought a sociopath knocking on our door. They are here because they need dinner. And we are it.
There are answers you didn’t know were out there…
Freedom Is in Our Hands
These nutters knock on many, many, many doors… Any door. Every door. Anyone a sociopath encounters is a potential target, that’s a hard-cold fact. Whether you’ve been calling them a “narcissist” or you are looking at the idea that you’re dating a sociopath, don’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you that this was caused by something about you.
This happens for one reason only: Because parasitic predators exist. And they approach us, make efforts to hook us in, and hijack our lives because we’re gorgeous normal humans.
The good news is, you can get out. We end it, they do not. You can restore your life if you keep on looking for answers. The kind of answers that leave no blame or fault or reason based on “lack” of something in your character. This did not happen because of any particular or specific thing about you as an individual. You get to be who you are.
Wanting more answers?
A Chasm Wider Than the Grand Canyon
Sociopaths (called “narcissists” by lots of people) are simply not the same as we are. They see the world in a different way – and live in a different way because they’re different. Biologically, scientifically part of their brain doesn’t work. This blanked-out area of their brains is the area that allows feelings of caring, or love, and any real connection with others. That part is not there.
Built into us is the ability to connect. We live by connecting, bonding, creating and building friends, and families. That’s missing in them, instead is the element of what many describe as “charm”. It’s the thing that hooks in their prey. This is how they survive.
Dating a Sociopath: Charmed into Their World
Prancing like the Pied Piper, playing away like a snake charmer, striking like an animal that stuns its prey before eating it, this capability is inside the pathological user. It isn’t a skill per se because it comes wired within them like breathing.
The sociopath has the built-in element of “coercive control“, the hypnotic effect that hooks people into their vortex if that person likes them. And we think at this moment of capture that they’re the most amazing human on the planet. It takes time to see them for what they are.
Breaking Up With Evil: Escaping Coercive Control
Do you have your copy of Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control? If not, it’s on Amazon waiting for you… It’s possibly the perfect gift for yourself or for that friend who is maybe dating a sociopath.
“His name was Brian, a name I’ve always liked. He wanted to meet for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in my area, making it easy for me so I didn’t have to drive anywhere. He was tall poised, smart, shy, and balding with a big belly. He had a handsome face. Over dinner, we discovered we both liked beer and football and were from the Midwest. He said he was a widower and had lost his wife to breast cancer. He seemed like a lonely businessman.” ~ Breaking Up with Evil, Chapter 5, Yumiko N. Entry No. 02 The Love Story
Recovery filled with lightbulb moments.
Reclaim your life.
Sociopaths, “Narcissists” Need Others
Any breathing human being is a potential target in the eyes of a sociopath. Take no responsibility for the inhumanity of a sociopath; we can’t change them. They cannot change themselves. And by the way, they love being what they are.
Being under the hypnotic influence of a charming, amazing (so not really) sociopath can fade our memory of what being in something real with someone good is all about. The time spent with them makes us doubt ourselves as an aspect of the trauma and the PTSD. In the aftermath, it’s normal to doubt that life can be good again, particularly in the area of romance.
Escaping the charms and hypnotic pull of a sociopath is huge. We need all the ammunition we can muster to safely cut them off and break free and recover. Maybe a reminder of what real true love looks like will help.
A Peek Into Normal Can Clear the Way
There’s a book that’s a fun and über feel-good reminder of what it feels like when love is normal. It’s form about a zillion years ago now, but it’s still spot on and useful. It’s called He’s Just Not That Into You, written by Greg Behrendt, a former writer on the early 2000s HBO show Sex and the City. These might seem old school and out of date as current reference points, but they’re relevant.
He’s Just Not That Into You is encouraging and a reminder of what love feels like when it’s good. It points up our value as humans, as women, and that love is meant to be joyful. There’s even an audiobook version read by the author and another Sex in the City Writer. I’m a fan of the phrase Greg coins which can give a boost to us all, don’t waste the pretty.
Normal Doesn’t Involve Fear
All in all, if we’re wondering, am I dating a sociopath?, am I dating a narcissist?, we very much are dating a sociopath. Another sure sign is feeling afraid to end it, and afraid to stay at the same time.
The fear to leave or end it is something that you could say feels like a vibration, a stepped up uneasiness, larger than the one we felt and interpreted as “excitement” in the beginning. It could be described as feeling sick, going cold, a lump in our gut.
Dating a Sociopath, Leaving a Narcissist Isn’t Easy
Once we draw our awareness to it, there’s no mistaking the confusion, anxiety, and doubt they awaken in our lives. These are not the ingredients of real love. These aren’t ordinary circumstances, and my hope is that you will take this in, embrace the reality that this is no ordinary situation. Then embrace your life, and know that dropping this person will take as long as it takes.
While it won’t be this easy, know this: Every bit of how you’re feeling right now feels if we’ve been dating a sociopath. And this is how leaving and the aftermath begins.
The way you’re feeling is not the new you; it’s temporary and it’s where the answers are and where the recovery comes from. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s everything right with you.
You were right to Google and you’ve found one of the best resources on the planet… Please read this website page to page, and maybe book some sessions with me. Or email me.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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True Love Scam Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse Unwound, Jennifer Smith, truelovescam.com and narcissisticabuseunwound.com, and its agents are not professionally licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. All social media, presentations, publications, podcasts, public speaking, audio appearances, writings, and coaching are carried out under the pseudonym “Jennifer Smith”. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery et al Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you. All Rights Reserved In Perpetuity 2014 © All Rights Reserved.
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When dating one of these nutters we feel excited initially. For some people they say they feel great in the “relationship” for years… and then it blows up. For the rest of us, we might be showered with gifts or nights on the town early on, and yet, there’s something missing, something’s off.