We’re kinda falling out of love.
We’re walking on egg shells.
This is such a mess.
Amazingly in the last five days I’ve helped reveal – to my own shock and surprise, let alone theirs – that two of my long-time, best-friends-in-the-world have each married sociopaths. How can this be…?
Incredibly I know each of them from a different time in our lives, from different cities – and now they each live in the same city.
One sent me a text, randomly five days ago saying she’s ending her marriage. The other that her divorce is final, but he won’t move out. She’s still paying for his cell, and his car and health insurance. It hit me like a ton of bricks. – Omg. – Sociopath two and three.
Three friends. Three sociopaths.
The one who hijacked me, and the two who hijacked them. Three too many sociopaths.
Friends Married to Sociopaths
So, I introduced my friends to one another. Who else would understand their plight?
As we talked and sent texts flying over the next five days, I witnessed them each grasp a wisp of the truth of what they were in – but not fully grab onto it. They’d get a snip of insight, make an infinitesimal shift in perception and then bob back up to the surface of “normal”, interpreting what these maniacs were doing from their own sweet-hearts and further misplaced empathy born of the popular views on handling relationship issues.
Devastating and endangering thinking when we’re with a sociopath.
And I remembered: it’s unbelievable at first. The dawning that Mr. Dream Man is a Monster is slow. And why wouldn’t it be? How would we understand something we’ve never known existed? – I’d have to take them into the dark-deep waters in baby-steps. I asked myself: how much do they need to see for their own safety? Is knowing the whole enchilada going to help them? Or cause more shock than they can handle? Will they believe it? – If they don’t, they may not take action.
Nothin’ wrong with us.
We self-reflect. Try our best.
Sociopaths Don’t Want Doormats
We who fall into this trap laid by a sociopath are not stupid, are not door mats, are not codependent, are not ninnies. These two friends of mine are strong, independent, have careers and pay their bills. They’re responsible, respect worthy, are intelligent and educated. They contribute to the world and are wonderful daughters, sisters, friends – and wives. So – don’t think for a second there’s anything wrong with you or your friend if you got bagged by one of these nut jobs. But – how will we know?
We can’t conceive of being with a sociopath – because – well: what is that?! – And: doesn’t that only happen in movies? – If only. And if only liar’s pants really did catch fire. So how will we know? Here’s a hint: in the beginning, after the good wears off – it just feels like things have gone bad, just bad. And then more bad. And then really bad that drags on and on to a grinding, exhausting degree.
Here’s what my friends said about their marriages. Without knowing they were with sociopaths they described exactly what it’s like. If you’re feeling two or more of these, chances are Mr. or Ms. Right is completely wrong-in-the-head and possesses the abnormal brain of a sociopath.
10 Signs Our Spouse is a Sociopath
- He doesn’t want a wife and what he needs is a mommy.
- He has a kid he didn’t tell me about before we got married.
- Being married to him is like trying to build a life on a roller coaster.
- He orders me around the house.
- I think he’s bipolar. Or mentally, somethings wrong.
- He accused me of threatening him when I suggested he get his own car insurance.
- When we first met he was so charming and paid so much attention to me.
- We sleep in separate rooms.
- He put us in major debt and hid it. He blamed me when I found out.
- He stopped working months ago.
There you have it.
More Things that Show Our Spouse is a Sociopath
Other things that signaled my friends had married sociopaths were that each of them suddenly lost huge amounts of weight. Both of them talked about their husband’s rage. And those husbands didn’t seem to care about anyone but themselves and thought they were victimized by their wives – and nearly everyone else.
Each friend was really stressed about money. They both said they couldn’t sleep well. They were both confused and anxious. They thought maybe their hubby was mentally unbalanced. And seeing someone on the side. They were exhausted. They were worn to the bone. At their wit’s end. They wanted out. They felt fear. Nothing they’d tried to do or say had changed the marriage for the better or altered their husband’s behavior in the slightest. Sometimes the men seemed to care or act differently, but it wore off.
I told them to “act normal” at home. And take immediate action on the side.
How to Get Away from a Sociopath or Make Them Leave and Stay Safe
So – I encouraged them: to act the same around the house while they quietly made changes.
- To secure their valuables and legal documents – because sociopaths steal things from their spouses. They take things that matter to us and things they can re-gift or pawn.
- Take the offending spouse’s name off of all accounts and change passwords and logins.
- And to no longer pay for any of their life, or cook or clean for them or pick up the tab or the dry cleaning. – When maid service stops, the sociopath’s interest drifts profoundly.
- And to take their next legal dis-entanglement steps toward divorce.
- And to begin looking – quietly observing – at everything the “man” of the house did and said from how sociopaths think – after all they’re the ones making the crazy. –
I call it, “reframing.”
Reframing is the only way to see what’s really up. We won’t see what’s really going on using “normal” thinking. Having a breakthrough moment to the truth immediately reduces trauma and shifts awareness, piece by piece we see what we’re really facing.
Learn the skills: reframe our circumstances
with a sociopath to see the truth.
Nothing is what we thought it was.
How Do We Face Being Married to a Sociopath?
Taking in the sobering realization that the man living in our house and the father of our children is a sociopath isn’t done at the snap of a finger. It’s not easily taken in when we hear someone say it’s so. – We might reject their words, or them.
Where does this leave my friends? Let’s put aside the concept of “sociopath.” Let’s say my friends were to look at everything from the eyes of an entirely selfish person who lies, about silly things and very serious things and does and says what they do and say to get what they want and not be held responsible. – That would do it. What would they see? Who would they see? (Hint: you know it – a sociopath named Bob, or Darryl, or Sally, or Tracy… whatever name their spouse goes by.)
Regardless of reaching the full conclusion that their spouse is a sociopath they’d see a fresh angle to the crazy at home. This could save them. In these fragile early days of their world turning upside down they don’t need a full horrifying discussion of the danger they’re in, the ptsd about to really hit, or an official diagnosis of NPD or ASPD, or Cluster-B.
A fresh angle on how off kilter things have been could inspire swift and confident action in separating from these creeps, who – aside from any mental-health exam conclusion – were Class 1-A, lazy, lying sh-t-heads. It could ensure their safety. It was as much as they could handle. Hopefully – this was enough.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to thrive!