8 Reasons to Suspect We’re Dating a Sociopath

It’s the little things that add up to big trouble.
Every person who lies is not a sociopath… but.
A cluster of “weird” and things not-quite-right are enough.
Why stay for the really big harm?

After the big-whammy experience with the con man sociopath who hijacked me for a green card in marriage fraud, and after really grasping how their little minds operate and their quirks and foibles, I know: I’ve had many sociopaths as suitors before.

I’d say I came across my first sociopath
sometime in grade school.

Turns out, I’m the kind of person sociopaths really love to hook – and I don’t mean I’m stupid or a door-mat, or codependent – that isn’t what they’re after – what they want is ordinary and extraordinary kindness. Open hearts, people who care.

Wanting a relationship and working for it doesn’t mean we’re “codependent.”
Nice does not equal “door-mat.”
Ensnared by a con man does not signify stupid.

8 Reasons to Suspect We’re Dating a Sociopath

They don’t respond normally: When something bad happens, like our pet turtle dies, our cat gets sick, or we lose a family member they remain kind of neutral, almost bored, or say something like, “Such a pity,” but it feels meaningless.

They say things like: “I don’t have feelings.” Or, “I’m gong to teach you a lesson,” and they aren’t talking about tennis or playing piano. Or when we’re deep in it: “I can’t make you do what I want you to, but I can make you wish you had.”

They aren’t where they say they’ll be: We run into them when they said they couldn’t come out with us or they’d be somewhere else.

They have a whole world we aren’t in: We come across them out at a club when they said they were staying home – and then they ignore us, or tell us we should be at home. They don’t join us, but freeze us out of their night on the town.

They stand us up, change plans: Make a date with us, but show up two hours late, or not at all. And then they’re mad that we’re mad or that we ask about it. – Maybe they even say: “Don’t question me.”

They keep things close to their vest: Sleep with their phone. Lock their phone. Take their phone into the bathroom. Block us from their Facebook.

Overstep normal boundaries: We have a creepy feeling they’ve been looking through our drawers or catch them looking over our shoulder as we punch in our PIN at the checkout line.

Take things: Mysteriously there’s money missing from our wallet, or from that envelope in between the dusty-never-used dictionary and “East of Eden” on the book shelf.

Seeing Through Them: While my new husband was “at a meeting,” I went out – and ran into him at the bank ATM, just around the corner. I was super surprised – he was too. He asked: “Are you following me?” (Talk about an abnormal response.) — My brain spun a little and — as a normal human who wants things to be good, I tried to rationalize in my head and make things alright in the moment. (He had no personal account there, only my account recently-turned-joint-account. He had no car, or US driver’s license. – I had my – “our” – car.) — He too wanted me to think things were okay – soooo he came into the market next door with me, where I paid for our groceries while he fiddled with his phone and pretended to reach for his wallet. – He came home with me — and then left 15 minutes later. – I watched all this. – Truth gathering. – He was revealing himself and bringing the end of the charade “relationship” – by being himself. – They always do.

Before the sociopath I married, there were many like him who tried.

Sociopaths Have a Deep Pull on Targets

One guy was under my skin for three years. I ended it a few weeks in, because part of me hadn’t been into him from the day we met – and he brought powerful pain. But he kept trying; calling me at work, showing up at my door – I didn’t know about sociopaths or going no contact.

We weren’t dating or talking, but one day he came over panicked, afraid his car would be repossessed. He begged me to help him – he cried. I let him stow it in my garage and “borrow” a lot of money. As I handed him the cash, in my mind I thought, “This is the one stupid thing I’ve never done yet in life. Oh, well, here goes.”

Sigh. I had no idea what was coming just a few years later.

He proposed we write a screen play together. We had one meeting at his little not-great-neighborhood studio apartment. It was full of brand new furniture. I asked him how he got it all – he said, “I have my ways.” He took a phone call from his girlfriend. She knew I was there. He was scary and stern with her. It made me know I’d been afraid of him too, but I felt jealous and still gut-twisted. – I didn’t know it then, but this was triangulation in action.

As months went by, a year… he got angry when I called to ask for the money he owed meall seven times. He acted like we were best friends when I ran into him in “his” brand new car and his next-new girlfriend’s pug dog. I never got it back. I let it go. I blocked him.

I cut him out before I’d ever heard the word: sociopath.
I’ve changed my number a buncha times since then.

I’ve counted at least four other sociopaths aside from the one I married who tried to get into my life. One of them, certainly a psychopath with murder in his heart. Really – I imagine he’s one of those guys with a dead wife under the floor boards or buried behind the garden shed. We dated briefly in college, but I wasn’t really into him. He was very into me. He tried again years later – a common sociopath tactic. So we saw each other once, then did long-distance for a few months, but things were odd.

We See that Things are Off – That’s Why it Ends

One of those things was the photo Mr. Long Distance showed me of his “ex-wife” – and three kids who looked just like him – that he said weren’t his – but were from her first husband, who used to beat her. Another alarm: his face turned red, he banged his first on the restaurant table while he hissed, “Last year they shared the Christmas presents I gave them!!! So they each got three new things!!! This year, I’m giving all three of them one thing!!” – The glasses shook, wine sloshed, the silverware bounced. – I sat like a statue.

 His hate and rage for these boys who shared stunned me to silence.

He said he’d be in Guam for business and couldn’t talk for two weeks. I called his office in the USA. – His secretary said he was in a meeting down the hall and could call me after lunch. He did. And pretended he was in Guam.

Bye-bye maniac.

There’s Nothing Wrong with Us – Sociopaths Need Good People

Bleeping onto a sociopath’s radar screen as a potential target doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. It means there’s everything right with us. It means we’re good, kind people who trust and love as natural, gorgeous humans innately do. – We just didn’t know such beasts existed, there’s no way to conceive of something so beyond normal – sociopaths hide behind this perfectly normal human phenomenon. – We can’t know what we don’t know until we know it.

Trust our gut, we’re experts now. We can see a sociopath a mile away. Look them in the eye. They’ll know, we know – and scurry away like the rats they are. Really – I did it just yesterday in the mall. Now – we can add wisdom to the mix. Now – we’re Super-Heroes. Keep our hearts open, keep caring.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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