Leaving a Sociopath, a Narcissist: 5 Breakup Musts

Leaving a narcissistic user is no ordinary breakup.
It’s an escape from terror, abuse, and harm.
Five steps ensure safety in the break up from hell.

The breakup is up to us. Let’s hear that again because it’s hard to believe: the breakup is up to us. When disengaging from what we thought was the most amazing relationship ever, that has turned into pain and something scarier than we have words to describe, the end of it – breaking away – is up to us.

Predators use and take, not because they’re allowed to, but because of what they are and therefore, it’s what they do.

Once you’ve left that person you’re calling a “narcissist” and wondering what they are exactly – and likewise if you’ve landed on calling them a sociopath – there’s one thing for sure: If you’re still trying to be friends with them or calling them up or answering their messages, you’re putting yourself in danger.

It’s Broken: There’s No Going Back

When the house-of-cards-life they’ve patched together with lies, fantastical promises, stories, excuses, deception, and your full-time hard work is seen for what it is, you’ll likely want to get well away from them. And fast.

After this kind of breakup, going for coffee or to each other’s weddings five years down the road is not an option. Being friends with a person of pure narcissism is not a possibility.

Sociopaths (that’s what I call them) are not friends with anyone, and they sure as shootin’ don’t love anyone. This genuine malice in their hearts towards you will be very clear when you end it. it will be beyond painful. The terror and confusion you go through trying to leave them, whether it’s to end a fake–lationship of five months or fifty years, is nothing like an ordinary breakup.

You’ll Doubt Your Decision to Breakup with the Narcissistic User

One big doubt can be doubting that we ought to break up with them. You’ll second-guess the breakup. You could (many, many of us do) have strong feelings of doubt. The doubt will come in waves. Your human, trusting, loving heart will try to rationalize the insanity of what happened and downplay the risk. The odd. The scary. That feeling in your gut is true.

Please, please override the doubt. Please don’t let social conventions and “niceness” cloud what your gut says. See how serious it is that you get out – believe it – even with that confusion spinning in your mind. – The crazy happened. The times you saw those black eyes are real.

There will also be fear, possibly terror. The fear is your motivation, the doubt as normal as it is, is not your friend. There are steps to take to protect ourselves when leaving a sociopath. Leaving this nut job will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But you can do it! Understanding how they think is key to getting them out of your home or getting yourself out.

It’s Normal To Doubt and Feel Fear

Doubt and fear mix together in a hollow, heavy pit in our stomachs as we’re navigating this. As normal, loving humans, we grope for something to make sense. It won’t make full sense until you begin to think of it all – the whole “relationship”, from the way that one of these pathologically narcissistic people – the narcissist aka sociopath thinks. And this website, the articles here, and how I talk about this will show how they think and what motivates them. We need this clear, simplistic, foundational view of the sociopathic mind.

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We Believe the Sociopath Because We’re Normal, Not Stupid

One of the most frustrating and hellish aspects of it all is the amount of lying going on. Lying is normal for one of these types of people. For this kind of narcissistic person, “normal” involves constant lying.

By going no contact, we’ve collapsed, erased, eviscerated their world and their existence. Leaving a sociopath – when we take off – scares the you-know-what out of them. They’re afraid we’ll tell others what they’ve done or report them to authorities.

They lie even about things they don’t need to lie about. They tell the truth on rare occasions. At those times we feel we’re on a gigantic Tilt-o-Whirl. Hold onto that one phrase uttered by the sociopath or narcissist that is so unusual we can’t comprehend it.

The one-liner that makes us reel, things like: “You only think you love me.” Or, “If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.” – Those strange things they say, those things that make us wonder what they mean… are their truth and are who they really are.

Between these weird truths and the lies, we’re spinning like a top. This is cognitive dissonance, disharmony in our minds; a disturbance in the human need to have what we think and believe to be carried out in the behaviors of people in our life around us. Being deceived and lied to creates trauma. The effect of being lied to and the impact of the presence of a purely narcissistic person – the narcissist aka sociopath has a kind of brainwashing effect.

Break Through the Cloud of Brainwashing Venom

Underneath it all though, you’ll find you’re still there. Push the clouds aside and look for that snippet of what feels right. Base everything we do, and every decision we make while escaping on what’s best for our lives, our safety, and our well-being.

Lean towards that clarity, keep breathing, trust our guts and break away safely. There’s a balance between walking through fire to save ourselves and walking through fire for no greater purpose. Find your balance. There’s a balance.

Leaving a Sociopath: 5 Break-Up Musts

1) As soon as the door shuts, have our door locks rekeyed. Rekeying costs less than changing out the hardware doorknobs and all.

Find a locksmith online or in the good old Yellow Pages and get them over to our place as soon as the scammer is out. We’ll feel a whole lot better.

Do not let him or her back to pick anything up. Ever. Nothing. Never. Throw it out, put it on the street, whatever it is. If he or she walked out the door with any of our things – it’s best to let them go, especially if it’s only a CD or a sweater.

If we discover major items missing – jewelry, audio equipment, money, maybe we make a police report: maybe. And then there’s possible immigration and marriage fraud or violence.

Carefully consider what, how, why, and when to report them – or not. Reporting doesn’t always help and then some reports are mandatory for our protection.

Breaking Up With Evil

Breakign Up with Evil, by Jennifer Smith on Amazon and Good Reads

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared and hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

True crime. Told in their own words with nothing unsaid. Find validation, and see new glimpses of truth as these five women share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

Schedule your unique guided recovery here

Go No Contact and Non-Threat

2) Go no contact. Absolute zero contact.

They try to make contact – what we call hoovering, except in specific, and rare cases. Make it impossible for them to reach you. All contact with a sociopath aka narcissist must stop if you want off the ride in hell. As soon as you can muster the conviction to do so, do not reach out to them. There’s great risk in staying connected to the sociopath. Best to go zero contact. Eventually, you will.

There’s sometimes a timing consideration as to when you might do this, but eventually – it’s permanent. You must not respond if they get through to you, or if you do respond know that this is more of the same. You’re still “in” it.

In a divorce have your attorney handle all communications so that you aren’t receiving anything directly from the nut bag. If they do reach you, please do not respond. There are profound reasons for not replying directly to them.

Do what’s for your own well-being. Contacting them yourself can in some instances hurt your divorce case. You contacting them or responding to them can destroy your abuse claims in court. Setting and keeping “no contact” – also called “zero contact”, is not a casual suggestion, It saves your future.

When it ends the real crazy begins.
There are answers that resolve it all.

New Numbers, New Devices

Consider changing your phone number. Maybe get a new phone. Block them in our phones, email, and all social media. Block everyone we know who knows them. – Use the “block” functions.

Don’t forget about GPS trackers, which can be installed remotely if you think they’re tracking you by your phone somehow, find out how to stop it. That new phone is a nifty and stress-relieving step.

Change Internet IPs and Passwords

Delete all computers or devices from our internet user history. If AT&T is your internet provider, log into your AT&T account online – or create one. Look to see which laptops or devices such as iPhones, iPods, Kindles, and all the rest logged online using your internet service.

Delete the IP addresses of the devices that you see listed in your account information indicating they’ have’ve logged in to use your internet but aren’t your devices. Then change your internet password. If the sociopath aka narcissist seems tech-savvy: change the IP address our internet is routed through. Do this by calling your internet provider and asking them to do this. – It’s all easier than it sounds.

Want more security and untraceable options? Look into getting a VPN or an encrypted email address through something like Proton mail.

Reconnect With People Who Love You

3) Be near people who love you.

For best support and to protect yourself from feeling more betrayed, stay clear of people who say: I told you so. I never liked him. This’s no time to be judged or questioned. This is a time to be listened to, a time to cry, and tell your story. Talk it out. Tell it over and over. Tell your story until we’re done. – Getting back to yourself again will become your mission.

Keep in mind, it’s best not to save things that remind us of him or her. Clear and cleanse. Consider moving, but be sure to let big decisions settle before jumping into them. Consider a new bed. Paint the walls, paint the furniture, rearrange it; anything we can refresh, do it.

Find People Who Know What We’re Going Through

4) Find support from people who know.

Not everyone will understand or be able to handle what we’re going through. Only someone who’s been conned can understand; most of our friends will not understand as we break up with evil.

There can be a lot that doesn’t help: we don’t need to be labeled with a condition, or told we have no boundaries, or that we’re in denial or that we let this happen. – None of this applies in any way in these circumstances and is more damaging.

There’s More Than Hope

As many times as you might have heard or felt that there’s something about you that made this easy for the predator to get into your life or that somehow some part of you is why it happened… Believe me, none of us are ensnared because of anything to do with us specifically.

Our appeal is that we’re normal humans with hearts – no crime or blame in that. We get to be what we are. Predators use and take, not because they’re allowed to, but because it’s what they are and what they do.

We Can Recover From the Truth

The truth is, there was no relationship. You were attacked. What we need in this mess is support in understanding and healing from the trauma; specifically the sustained trauma of being hijacked by a pathological user.

Some general tips: as we can, do things that soothe us. Avoid romantic music and “our song”. Go for self-care and nurturing. Many of us gave up doing things we love doing during the con; start again as we’re able. Fall in love with ourselves.

Count on this: Narcissists and sociopaths don’t want us to go no contact. They hate it, and get very mad about it. It makes us the polar opposite of what they need. We’re no longer accessible. Which means they can’t use us. By going no contact, we’ve collapsed, erased, eviscerated their world and their existence. Leaving a sociopath – when we take off – scares the you-know-what out of them. They’re afraid we’ll tell others what they’ve done or report them to authorities. Users have constant fear of being exposed – the irony is – jail time doesn’t faze them – it gives them free range to be violent, hunt, con, lie, cheat, steal and three meals a day.

Dating After Dating a Sociopath

5) Please, date yourself; dating other people is not a recovery method.

Allow lots of time to recover fully and completely. Dating before a complete recovery, where we can spot a pathological user where ever they stand is courting danger. Remember con artists, users, and takers sense vulnerability. Right now we’re more vulnerable than a newborn baby.

A Sociopath Tells Us How To Break Up with Them

These are the words of a self-proclaimed sociopath: a pathological predator

“You may think the sociopath respects your boundaries, but the sociopath will not be sympathetic to your needs. The sociopath does not have or respect boundaries. The sociopath has his needs, and will fight to make sure they’re met.
You do not want to get into an all-out fight with a sociopath when the sociopath feels like his survival is threatened. With a sociopath, the best thing to do is to make the breakup seem like it was his or her choice; poison the well so the sociopath willingly leaves.
Become a helpless, emotionless, reactionless burden. Start being contrary, without being openly defiant. Pretend you’re tired, sick, depressed, say you forgot your keys; be incompetent, but make everything seem like an accident.
If the sociopath gets mad, say, “Sorry,” but don’t fight back. Say, “I don’t know what’s come over me.” Have long phone conversations with…people the sociopath hates. In general, let yourself go completely…be as intolerable to live with as possible without being confrontational.
After about three months (give or take), the sociopath will be out of your life. You should be in the clear after the sociopath has been gone 3 to 6 months. By that time the sociopath will not need you to satisfy any of his basic needs.” ~ Anonymous Sociopath

Use Truth To Inspire No Contact and to Walk Into a Full Recovery

Use this hideous information for your well-being. If you’re still living together and must be around them when they’re home, do your best to become absolutely unreadable. When they’re in a room with you remove all thoughts from your mind aside from innocuous things like what to make for dinner.

Leverage their needs, their vanity, self-obsession, and their cold heart to get them out. Know that they will sense you getting near the end, so be quite careful. Jeep all your ideas about what they are and what they’re doing to yourself. Sit as an observer and design your way out based on their habits.

Step By Step

You can consider bit by bit, as it feels right, removing things from their access and use that came along with you: money, cars, meal preparation, the internet, doing their laundry, errand running, credit cards.

Turn tighter on that the faucet of giving, shut it down. In a sense, go no contact while they’re still there. Do this as you make a full plan to get them out of your life. And number one tip: You can lie to them and they believe you. Even if they know you’re lying, they then act on the lie as if it were true.

Remember, to trust is human. What you are is normal. Know you’re gorgeous inside and out. There’s nothing you could or should have done differently. – What you do now changes everything.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.