4 Stages of True Love Scam Recovery – From Hell and Back

We’re buzzing along in love and… WHAM!
We’re gob-smacked by the discovery he’s a ransacking, life sucking,
parasitic-destroyer.

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After the traumatic faux-lationship, PTSD, and healing we rise: joyful, stronger, wiser, more awesome. By being thrown into the fire we can forge ourselves into greater selves.

There are 4 elements, phases, stages we pass through going from the hell to normal again as targets of a person of aspd. An antisocial psychopath aka sociopath.

By the way, ‘faux’ means ‘fake’ in French.
We weren’t in relationships – these are scams – that’s why there’s trauma.

We’re In Trauma With a Narcissistic Sociopath

1. Traumatic Event.

The prime traumatic event is recognizing the person we love is a monster. A sociopath. An Antisocial Psychopath. And therefore: Nothing was real. Our life has been a total and complete lie for the length of time we have been married to, living with, in love with or simply dating this malevolent being. We now know evil. We’re on a first name basis. We have that narcissistic sociopath awareness!

Congratulations!! Seriously.
We have faced an aspect of life that some never see!
This makes us braver, stronger, wiser.
This gives an understanding of humanity; a fuller, richer, deeper life.

We Decide to Win – We Decide What Winning Is

Right here, in this moment, we determine the outcome of this life altering event. We can fall to pieces and become physically, emotionally mentally damaged and scarred for the rest of our living days. Or we can stand up. We take back ourselves. We have this moment to vow to be victorious like we never would have been without this crisis.

What happens when we realize:
The calls are coming from inside the house – like in every scary babysitter movie?
What happens when the person we knock boots with is actually a monster.

The Aftermath is PTSD – It’s Normal When We Leave a Narcissistic Sociopath

2. The fallout of the traumatic event, PTSD.

P = post. T = traumatic. S = stress. D = disorder. The 1st 3 words simply refer to stress after a trauma. That “D” on the end, stands for “disorder.” Please don’t imagine that “disorder” is more than a clumsy word for meaning anything other than the normal and expected need to heal. Think about it like this, if we break a leg are we “disordered”? Do we need psych drugs? Do we need antidepressants to be ourselves again? – Usually we just need healing. Usually family and friends, even neighbors rally around us with hot meals, pillows and good books. It’s similar in PTSD after a sociopath. But different.

Our friends – why do a lotta people not “get it” when we’re in PTSD after the narcissistic sociopath? – Because this is like nothing any of us have ever seen – until we see it.

Why Don’t Our Friends Understand?

Because it is not something anyone can understand unless they’ve been through it. Because we seem shattered. Because we’re spun to pieces and the bits of us are flying around overhead like a confetti whirlwind. Signing our cast or bringing us flowers is easy in comparison to sitting for days, hours, weeks, months watching us shake in terror over that man or woman; drip tears, heave wracking sobs over that monster. — The guy they thought was cute. The guy they saw us super in love with. The woman we bought a ring for. It’s confusing. They kinda don’t get it. We can’t really expect them to. Hopefully there is someone who can listen. Listening is so often all that’s required. Having someone hear us is a first step to healing.

We Do Heal – We Can Recover

3. Healing.

In true love scam recovery it’s common that victims blame themselves. Self-blame is a trait of all post-traumatic stress. Survivors of plane crashes, fires, earthquakes, wars, and certainly wars and genocide suffer from this. In these instances, it’s called survivors guilt. They beat themselves up with: Why did I live?! Why am I the one? Why did they die?! – Plagued with feelings of guilt that they could have done something differently to save others. Depression, weight loss, suicidal thoughts, despair, lethargy, exhaustion, physical illness and grief become daily companions. Sound familiar?

Yes. Because post traumatic stress is post traumatic stress. We think we see him around the corner. We weep, tremble and have nausea anticipating his next move or a court date. We feel stupid, foolish, maybe even think it’s our fault – we aren’t and it isn’t. One of the hallmarks of PTSD is having thoughts that have no place in the realness of life. This is a reason to not take our thoughts seriously during this time. To be patient. To embrace ourselves with compassion. We are beautiful.

Just like accident victims see the airline or car crashing all over again. Veterans hear the screams of battle we think we see them around the corner or across the street or turning left at the light ahead in traffic. Our survivors guilt is sometimes: Why did I let him do that to me? – Why? Because we’re human. Because we’re trusting, loving people – who believed a monster in disguise. There’s no shame in being good. There’s no blame in not being clairvoyant. And news flash – real inside surreal: they didn’t do it to us. – We could have been anyone. It wasn’t personal. There’s really nothing about us that made us attract or bring the conning scammer to us – nothing other than being a great person. True love scam recovery takes specific care, just as any other PTSD, healing takes time. We are not “disordered”, as in having a mental condition, in any other sense than in the need to heal.

Here’s a self-published book by a fellow blogger.
Voices of women who have made it through PTSD after trauma from a sociopath.
All of us will recognize our own struggle.

Healing PTSD Takes Time, Patience and Effective Healing Methods

The true love scam recovery cycle has ups and downs. Like any endeavor, there are steps forward and a tiny step back, more forward, back, further forward and a bit back, until we are fully healed. For speedier and complete healing, there are things we must do. No contact. Learn the behavior of a sociopath. Reframe the nightmare through understanding a sociopath’s true intentions. Refrain from self-blame – it’s misplaced energy that needs to go toward embracing our own lives.

Our physical, mental and emotional health requires restorative and rejuvenating care. Sleep, good nutrition, supplements like B and C, adrenal support. Walking when we can. Yoga. Hiking. Swimming. Low impact movement that lets our blood, oxygen and heart flow. Spend time only with family who love us. Friends who love us. Cuddle kittens and puppies. Don’t listen to love songs.

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We Are Everything We Need

4. Rise Up.

Blossoming from the PTSD and complete healing we rise up like the Phoenix from the ashes; creating a beautiful life because of having gone through the despair. The word crisis in Chinese translates to opportunity. We can in fact rewire the synapses in our brain to erase and heal the trauma.

There is nothing we could have done differently.

A sociopath, malignant narcissist aka monster knows exactly what they are doing in the sense that they know they hurt people. They are “just that way.” –  It’s their brain, wired with the inability to feel positive bonding emotions. Like a slithery reptile, they may take pleasure from lying in the sun, but also like a reptile they take pleasure in eating their prey, even their own children. At times, I thought the malevolent being I married and I were sharing a laugh, joyful moment, or sense of accomplishment over a goal we reached together. None of this is true. Turns out a sociopath an their target are in two different realities.

I’d find myself laughing genuinely, joyful and happy when we accomplished something that was part of what we were trying to achieve. I was the only one. He was laughing at the ease with which he was scamming me, sickeningly gleeful at his betrayal (not betrayal in a sociopath’s mind – simply their right), and feeling exaggerated elation at a win behind my back, using me without my awareness. A story you know well if you’re on these pages.

Sociopaths Love No One – Not Even Us – Or Her – Or Him

They’re all the same. – There is no woman, man, child on the planet they will ever treat genuinely well, they’re incapable. There is no living person on the planet, no other woman who will ever be loved more or loved better by them. There is no woman better for them. There’s no man more suited to them. A narcissistic sociopath’s world – their entire existence – is hell for anyone near them.

So.  Welcome to the club. We are not alone!  There are so many (too many) of us. We’re replaced before they meet us. There are always several, maybe dozens of simultaneous true love scams going on. They juggle women like oranges or tennis balls. Or maybe flaming batons. We’re a source: of money, food, shelter, sex, respectability, connections, whatever it is they scammed us for. The sociopath who hijacked me as it turns out had at least: two other wives, 6 kids, 3 fiances, two sugar mama’s, 9 girlfriends – all who thought he loved them and only them – and 10 – 15 satellite women – and men – at any given time.

We were an ATM. There’s always another.
One on this corner -or the next.
A whole buncha innocent ATM. Open 24/7.

We Are Awesome

There’s a healing bright side to all this: It wasn’t personal. They didn’t do it “to us”. Bizarrely we could have been anyone. We are replaceable and interchangeable. So – cut him off in our hearts and we are free. When I saw precisely how cruel, cold, calculated and hideous this thing standing before me was, all care for him evaporated. 100% gone.

It wasn’t “me” he was looking at, it wasn’t “me” he stole from, lied to and conned. We’re really was just a target. Just a juicy morsel of prey. This is the bittersweet door to breaking free. They want us only for our big heart, our fat wallet, our citizenship, a place to sleep, a side-bit of sex. They want us for our loyalty, faith in humanity and tendency to give to those we love. Those are all great qualities. The way to handle it…? Cut them loose. Stay ourselves –  and become more ourselves. We’re awesome! Him…? Them…? They’re NUTS.

We are not to blame. They are tricksters with laser-beam determination.

Their brains are wired in such a way they are different animals. They’ve been doing this their entire lives refining their abilities and knowledge with each victim. Their determination and single-minded focus gives them seemingly super-human powers of influence. They tap in to our forgotten dreams, the stuff human longing is made of, tune into us, tune into us and apply little tricks, half phrases, toss out partial suggestions, hint at mutual dreams that we fill in – tactics for scamming they use over and over and over. They’re malignant, malevolent, pieces of evil. (And a word on the side – there will be a window of time in the healing we wish they were dead... this too is normal.)

Understand What a Sociopath Is

Here’s another article about the “Psychopaths Brain Structure“. This is on Huffington Post. I believe this study is focused on those in prison. Men, specifically who have been arrested and found guilty of violent crimes.

Can they heal…? I don’t think so. Can they recover…? Not on our watch. Are they ever going to ever be healthy…? Not our concern. Kick ’em in the behind and get them gone. Go no contact, be a non-threat. Then repair, rejuvenate and thrive!

Embrace our lives.
Beam the compassion and empathy,
loyalty and caring they targeted us for on ourselves.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to thrive!

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Guidance out of hell.

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