3 Reasons Not to File a Protection Order

Leaving is scary.
Their hounding and hoovering are traumatic.
In a panic, we might think we want a restraining order.
In cases of violence – maybe – we need one.

Thinking of filing a protection order? – Or restraining order as they’re called in the USA? This is often the first thought we have when trying to leave a toxic partner. This is frequently the first advice we hear from others when we tell someone about the fear and trouble we’re having with a breakup from a “narcissist”.

As much as this can seem like the logical thing to do, let’s talk about why filing a protection order is a bad idea.

But first: I want to be understood here…

Protection Order or Not: It’s Up to You and You Alone

Any decision you make is yours. My experience and opinion are offered – but what you do is up to you.

And more: There are cases in which a protection order or restraining order is the exact right thing to do.

There are cases in which you can get an order through and the monster slinks away – though you might not be able to be sure that’s what sent them slinking…it’s situational. How we manage our escape and extract ourselves from their grip is individual and situational and circumstance-based. I do guide people through the thought process in making this personal decision in private sessions.

The information here is true and yet it’s general information. It’s soundly based on knowing the pathological mind and what motivates them, how they think, and what they need and want. There are specifics and variances in each case based on that pathological person’s detailed circumstances and needs, as well as yours.

That said, here’s the deal:

File a Protection Order Now!

Though it seems logical, filing a protection order can be a very bad idea as it hurtles you out of the frying pan and into the fire. And into the legal system.

We’ve all been led to believe that the legal system is there for us. Well. Sadly, it rarely is. When it is, however, it’s glorious! Knowing when and how to step into that system is critical. I realize this knowledge is non-existent for most of us because we’ve not ever been in it.

We’ve never needed to call on it before. I know, I know. It was the same for me. Like you, I had many very serious – and simultaneous – decisions to make about things I knew nothing about… So – here’s a bit of a glimpse into what this would be.

1. A Restraining Order Isn’t Always So Easy to Get

Know this: There are always exceptions to the rule. That’s part of what makes this decision so difficult. So… Let’s talk about it…

In my case, he filed a restraining order against me. I filed for an annulment and then he filed a restraining order to seem to be the victim. The Judge threw him out of the courtroom! It was a beautiful scene and one I’d never wish on anyone and would never want to repeat.

Get a restraining order! Your very caring and very rightly freaked-out friends or family might emphatically say. Their conviction is startling… It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? It sounds so right!

It could be pretty clear that they expect you to do this. You can see that they believe this to be your solution. The solution to all the scary stuff you’re feeling, and that they’re feeling for you.

Your trauma is taking a toll on them. – You might feel pressure to do as they recommend. – You might have a lawyer suggesting you file… Eeehhhe. Well…

Here’s the thing – they won’t be going through it. You will. And, it isn’t like in the movies, or at all like your friends or mom and pop or you might imagine. To an attorney, it’s just another basic procedure; they aren’t going through it: you are.

And: the zillion dollar question is: do they understand the pathological mind? And can they accurately assess what’s best for you in your exact circumstances to get cleanly away from the super-freak? Maybe. Maybe not.

A Restraing Order Has To Meet Legal Guidelines

Did you know that a restraining order requires evidence that fits legal parameters? Geez-Louise… Do you mean your terror and fear aren’t enough? – Nope. They are not. – I completely beyond anything understand how terrified you are. I do. I was also. I was shaking, literally shaking through most days for a period of months.

Sometimes added legal support is a benefit, but sometimes we’re best off without it. You still might be shaking either way. Just know that no matter how scared you are now, the day will arrive when you aren’t.

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Reasons You Won’t Be Granted a Restraining Order

Unbelievably… restraining orders are not automatically or “easily” granted if your case is based upon: 1. They send you text messages. 2. Leave a note on your car. 3. Drive by your place of work. 4. Continue sending you DMs. 5. Sit outside your home. 6. Do all or any version of the above.

Additionally, your fear of them on its own merit typically won’t qualify you or your situation for a restraining order. You might get the hearing …But in order to get the chance to get the order through, here’s what happens:

And… here’s the thing: let’s say you file and are granted a protection order… You will more than likely still feel fear. The sense of them being near or following us is really eliminated by a restraining order because this court action isn’t as effective as we’d expect it to be in reducing the state of post-trauma that our body is in. And, now the added trauma of courts and legal protocol is part of your life.

2. A Restraining Order Will Cost You

No legal process is free. You might be able to file for a reduction in fees or get fees to be waived if you meet certain financial criteria. There are numerous ways in which this entire process will be personally taxing. Filing for (a request for a) protection order will cost you in (at least) four ways:

Money
A day in court in the presence of the nutbag
Mental health
Safety

Here’s How It Goes in the USA

Money: The first step is filing an application form with your local courthouse, requesting a possible restraining order. In cities in the USA, the price to file at your courthouse is about $350. for filing a request for the chance to have a judge decide in your favor for a restraining order against them. In this, you include details of events and their contact information. – You have to have a physical address for them. – Then there’s your attorney to pay, because – believe when I say: you don’t want to go through this without one. You can, but… why…?
A day in court: This request will be approved or denied. It can take weeks for this step alone. Then if your request is granted: you have to appear in court in front of the Judge who approved your request for a hearing for a possible protection order. This also then, could be scheduled for more weeks or months later.
Mental health: This is a court appearance at which the sociopath is also meant to be present. A traumatic event in itself on every level. But, before getting to the court date, the sociopath (are you still thinking of them as a “narcissist”?) will be served by a process server with a notification that an order has been filed against him/her/them. This occurs typically at 6:00am with a Sheriff banging loudly and aggressively on their door.
Safety: How can you imagine this scenario going for you? What will be their response towards you after this dramatic and frightening early morning event? Not only that, the Sheriff will be pounding again a second and third time if they don’t answer the door the first time. (And btw: you pay a monetary fee for each of these trips to find them.) What will come next from the one you’re so scared of that you’re filing this order? And this is only the beginning of the process… You still have to see them in a courtroom… And the courtroom hallway, and maybe the parking lot of the courthouse…

Does it sound like I’m trying to talk you out of this idea…? Maybe. I definitely want you to think about the reality of it all the way through carefully and calmly. Without fear shading your decision and without a misunderstanding of what a sociopath is shading your decision.

Legal Parameters

For an order of protection to be granted it typically requires evidence of a certain level of violence. And/or violence over an extended period of time. Yes. They pretty much want photos of harm. Physical bodily damage. And a police report of that attack. And a doctor’s report of that attack and your injuries.

So, you might be granted the court appearance, only to be denied the restraining order meant to protect you because you can’t present enough legal grounds. How do you think that will go down? For you…? For them…?

Know this: There are always exceptions to the rule. That’s part of what makes this decision so difficult. – And our wins are built on our determination.

3. Protection Orders Back Fire

Here’s a significant point: a restraining or protection order does not necessarily cause the sociopath to leave us alone. (This means: that a protection order doesn’t necessarily stop that creature you might still be calling a “narcissist”.)

In every single case, you pursuing an order of protection against them is seen by them as a threat. – Announcing anywhere to anyone that they are bad, or about the truth of their harm and deceit is seen as a threat to them and their safety in their eyes. Stepping into the legal system with an official filing against them is absolutely perceived as a threat. One that likely brings them after you.

Another common scenario is that the sociopath will file a restraining order against their prey to initiate and attempt to establish a stance of they themselves being the victim.

This is what happened in my case: He filed one. Yes. He filed a restraining order against me. I filed for an annulment and then he filed a restraining order as his nutty self defense. I had to go to court with my attorney to get the restraining order he filed against me denied. The Judge threw him out of the courtroom! At the Judge’s decision to dismiss and deny the restraining order, the nutbag stood there gasping, open mouthed, like a fish, indignantly yelling: “Oh! Wow! So this is justice in the United States! Wow!!” – The Judge was less than thrilled. It was a beautiful scene and one I’d never wish on anyone and would never want to repeat ever in life throughout the universe imperpituity. Becasue I had a brilliant attorney, it all worked gorgeously in my favor… And beacuse it gave a perfect platform for the nutbag to show himself as the nutbag he is right in front of the Judge. – As I say, there are exceptions to the rule. Where ever this mess takes you, may you turn it to your benefit.

Fear With Or Without A Protection Order

A protection order is best sought only in wisdom, real knowledge, and only in specific cases. Protection or restraining orders are best when seldom used by prey and only in very specific circumstances as part of the best strategy.

There are other ways to maneuver them out of our lives that are safer, less costly, and do not engage the legal system which is not as supportive as people typically expect but can open another can of hell. – And whether the sociopath who hijacked your life is in the USA or somewhere else though the legal process may vary somewhat, their reaction won’t.

Life Without Fear

We can gradually come to live without fear when we take in the truth of what they are and at the same time, are taking in new information about the dynamic of predator and prey. About gorgeous normal humans such as yourself and how our own gorgeous humanness folds into their needs.

Unless we really get to a deep enough understanding of the pathological mind it’s difficult to restore our lives… When you do understand that kind of mind, you can maneuver them away, and the more we understand what they are and what that means, the more we naturally fall off their radar… This is a part of what I do with people in one-on-one coaching sessions.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.