A bed of roses. A walk on easy street.
A match made in heaven. Paradise island.
With a sociopath, we start out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility that exists because that’s what the two of us are “together.”
Like a fairytale, Disney cartoon.
Together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies.
Like “The Notebook” kinda forever romance.
As if we found one of those all-time-eternal-loves.
Our world feels like nirvana, heaven – the jackpot – the perfect life.
We Do the Things Normal People Do In Love
We’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine. We relationship build, give, make, bake, create, fix, move forward, climb mountains to make things happen for us – because that’s what one does in fantastic, real relationships.
And since we believe it’s real, we feel it’s real, our body is doing what happens in real relationships – the chemical mix of “love cocktail” is swooshing through us; this naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship. – There is nothing wrong with us. We’re in love.
As it says in The Amazing Brain all we need to fall in love is, “to find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.” – We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love.
Life and love with a sociopath is far from normal.
We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Life with a Sociopath is Two Parallel Realities
Life and love with a narcissistic sociopath is two realities.
The one we see.
— And the two they see.
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two – we’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell – where we’re headed all by ourselves. We see this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough – we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
The sociopath always knew it was a fake-out, a true love scam. They know in our normal world they’re frauds, liars, bad-actors who know a few tricks. In their low moments this has them scared out of their pants that they’ll get caught. In their high moments they believe they’re invincible and marvelous and better than any other breathing person on the face of the earth.
Healing PTSD is Two Parallel Realities Becoming One True Reality
Here’s where the grace and magic of our beautiful humanness saves us.
We can learn to look at it from another point of view. We can still our heart just enough to grab a moment repeatedly throughout the next days and weeks after they exit to train our brain to observe the memories and the crazy from the mind of a sociopath.
After all – they’re the ones who knew what was really going on – the things that went on, that leave us in pain, sick, financially depleted, emotionally beat-up, feeling crazy, doubting ourselves, humbled and weak, suffering in pain: came from them – not us.
This is not a natural way for us to think.
It takes practice. It takes determination.
All Normal Humans Are Emotional – There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, and what a sociopath really is and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Here’s what will ruin us after it’s over:
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
We’re codependent, weak,
we were fooled because we have low self-esteem,
it’s our fault, we’re crazy,
we’re stupid, we’re addicted to the narcissist,
we’re to blame for what happened.
We ignored red flags, have some kind of “disorder,”
we need to do some “work” on ourselves,
are naive, got hooked because we were abused as kids,
always pick the wrong guy or gal to fall in love with,
have a pattern of abusive relationships,
always get it wrong,
we fell for it because we’re older,
because our dog just died, because we’re needy,
because we didn’t want to be alone, because we wanted marriage and kids,
because we have issues,
we fell in love with them because they made us feel safe, and that’s just dumb,
we fell for it because we don’t have enough money,
we thought they could help us do something or be something.
We were blind, we didn’t listen to our friends.
and: don’t we know if something’s too good to be true… it isn’t real!?
None of these is true.
How To Heal in the Aftermath of a Narcissistic Sociopath
The life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie has no words to tell it.
Until we begin to untangle the two realities and make it all one: the real one; the bad one – we really cannot begin to heal.
Study what a sociopath is. Study up on what normal humans do in normal relationships and realize we believed this was normal and so while participating in “normal” the road became more and more twisted because – without our knowing it – nothing was normal.
We’re embarrassed. Humiliated. Ashamed. Shocked. In disbelief. – That’s called shock – not “denial.” We doubt ourselves, we remember the “good” moments. We spin and spin for months and days and weep and lose weight and ask: Why? How? What?
To heal we must look at it through sociopath colored glasses.
Unwind the two worlds, make them one. Go back, over and over, moment to moment, to thinking from the mind of a sociopath: everything is a lie, everything they say or do is to get what they want and to get away with it, never be caught, exposed or held responsible.
It takes self compassion to heal truly and completely after a narcissistic sociopath rampages through our world. It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to thrive!
Get the support you need from day one, or even two years later.
Just get it.
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