Category Archives: RECOVER

Recover – Understand the post traumatic stress and the “why…?”

2 Excuses for Narcissistic Bad Behavior

Sociopaths know they’re monsters.
They keep it a secret as long as they can.

We look for explanations for their bad behavior.

As normal people believing we’re in a real relationship, when things aren’t super excellent we try to work it out. One common element of working on things is finding the “why.”

As in: “I have a hard time trusting because…”

There’s a tendency to explain current behavior or feelings on our childhood or past experiences that develop into “conditions” or “disorders” in adulthood.

This thinking is infinitely damaging for us when the other person is a narcissist.

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We’re Not In Denial

We’re not In denial – that’s nothing but a river in Africa.
But seriously.
No one deliberately let’s themselves remain in the clutches of a slimy sociopath.

Our goodness caught their attention – our goodness sets us free.

There‘s a clashing of two worlds – a great collide of two different brains – the mind of a sociopath and of a regular person when we’re ensnared by a sociopath. They do their best to let us believe rather than a clash, that together we’re the best match on the planet. The best fit that any two people could ever be.
In a short time, the chasm between our world and their’s becomes clear. They’re experiencing and intending one thing – we’re in another reality. The vast difference is revealed by bits-and-pieces.

We’re not in denial. No. We see it as soon as is humanly possible. Our bodies and minds protect us and so let the truth be seen in bite sized pieces so that we don’t lose our sanity.

After true love scam our eyes are wider open than most.

We’ve been through some crazy. Really. Super. Nuts.

PTSD is Normal After a Narcissistic Sociopath

We’re not permanent victims scarred for life. We’re not to blame for being snagged and conned by a lying sociopath. – These are not the only two options. — Though – sometimes — it seems to be as we try to find our way out of the maze. There are piles of main stream answers to this hideous crime. Including that we, as targets invited it through our past abuse issues, or our relationship issues and that we stayed because we were in denial.

How about we look at it from another direction? From our eyes. Let’s stop letting people outside the experience define what happened. Let’s look at it from the eyes of the prey of a sociopath. This perspective takes a whole different set of  words to define it. – More fanciful words… not for the sake of frivolous semantics, but because of a very real variance in meaning.

Unless someone’s been in it or through it – they’ve got no idea.

We Are Not in Denial – We’re Amazing


We understand this perspective: we’re entranced. Or Hypnotized. Charmed. Under their spell. Filled with their poison. Enchanted. Injected by their venom. Filled with their fetid breath and held captive. Captured and tied through our soul to their putrid, rotting guts.

You see – definitely more fanciful descriptors – these come from the influence of watching many Johnathan Strange and Dr. Norell episodes on late night Netflix binges that stopped my anxious brain from thinking in the early days of recovery and rocked me to sleep – and still reflect the real-deal of being in one of these hellish circuses of a true love scam – the day-time-wide-awake, hall-of-mirrors-nightmare of living hijacked by a sociopath.

We are not in denial or willfully resisting seeing what they are.
Would we be with them if we knew they were sociopaths…?!
No. – Phfffftt… Who even knew what a sociopath was before all this?

No One Can See Something We Don’t Know Exists

For anyone who’s not been hijacked by a sociopath these descriptors might sound absurd. It may be what inspires, Ohhhh… hmmm, yes. She’s in denial. – And other wholly off the mark, and utterly compassionless, and just plain rude remarks from onlookers and others, who we might think would know better. To those under the spell these are quite accurate descriptions that bring about our freedom. With this look at things we feel less crazy. We might let out a sob of relief, Oh, my god! That’s it! That’s exactly what it is!! – And a little slip of hope eeks through the fog of the sociopath-madness we’re trapped in.

Mostly the whole mess is analyzed and judged
by those who have NOT been through it.
And as if the sociopath has the determining view.

None of us are with a sociopath by direct choice. We do get away from them by choice. And this’s the important part of this circumstance. Somehow most of the world focuses on wondering how we stumbled into it, why we stayed, ie: How could we have been so stupid?

What about focusing on how we got away!?

The Traits That Attract a Sociopath To Us – Save Us

The very same goodness of heart that makes us attractive to a sociopath is what we then flip – and bring to life exponentially – to get safely and completely away. There, there is the real thing. It takes colossal effort. Courage, wisdom, persistence, patience, bravery to break from a kind of bondage, an entrapment so immense it can’t be understood unless it’s been experienced.

Know This: If someone says it’s your fault, let them know they’re out of step – evolution of humankind has progressed. Victim blaming is over. No. We’re not in denial. We’re believers in love. We believed that there was love – until we didn’t. And now that we don’t – watch out. When we see it for the crime it is there’s no place for the scamming-scum to run.

You Have to Live Through It to Understand It

The break-away from a sociopath is so intense, so life-shattering it can never be understood unless you too are an escapee. – And that my friends, does not signify a weak victim, a codependent-door-mat, a denial or any such nonsense. No. It signifies some of the hugest power, determination and strength on the planet. No, we are awesome. We’re super heroes. We’re our own Angels.

Nope. We’re not in denial. Denial isn’t a deliberate action – ever. Our glorious bodies innately know a human can’t handle the monumental stress that all this entails in one go. So – yes – clarity is meted out in doses only a beatific human of great empathy and love could handle. Even tiny doses of what we went through would break anyone else. No, denial is nothing more than a river in Africa. A raging, pernicious river that every con man needs to be thrown into without a life jacket.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to thrive!

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., founded November 2014. content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice through any medium is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery™ Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

Sociopaths Cannot Devalue Us

Our worth is not in their hands.
They don’t devalue us; they can’t – these clowns didn’t value us to begin with.
Repeat: Our worth is not in their hands.

circus-clip-art-themeThere’s a popular lexicon delineating the ride with these jokers. There’s a bit – or a lot that seems off the mark. It’s said they: love bomb, idealize, devalue then discard us. Okay. They scoop us up, flatter us, then devalue and discard?? Why is this journey through hell looked at as if the sociopath holds the cards?  We feel shame as the outcome of this kind of thinking. This is wrong. They need us for their survival! – For their very existence. We are the power here. They fail and bail.

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Die Sociopath, Die

Omg. How we wish they were dead.
We can’t believe we feel this way.
Omg. We don’t want to say it out loud.
But. We wish they were dead.

Yep. They are terrible words. – And they are normal words that come to all our minds & to some of our lips after a sociopath splits the scene. We’re left swirling in a cesspool of lies, deceit, ruin and devastation.

About 2 months in from there –
we want him dead. Or her.

Images dance through our minds of how: beaten, chopped up – mostly beaten. We’d kinda like to see them tortured slowly. Nobody talks about this – you can bet I will.

At odd moments the thought runs past the viewing screen in our minds that we could maybe hire someone to kill him. We know we can’t – first of all it’s seriously cost prohibitive – and, secondly – we know we won’t do any such thing. But. Oh. My. God. He. Deserves. To. Be. Dead. We have dreams during which someone – or we – kill them. We picture them being strangled, or stoned to death. These life-stealing assholes have earned nothing less. Not all sociopaths beat their prey — but emotional abuse does not go by harmlessly. When discovering we were ensnared by a sociopath – the deception, the mind-F**k, the house of cards – this is plenty-enough to make us want them dead during the normal-and-to-be-expected PTSD we go through.

Makes yuh rethink the circumstances under which Lorena Bobbit
cut of her sleeping husband’s penis with a kitchen knife in 1993.
We all know it now: John Bobbit is a sociopath.

Wishing the Narcissistic Sociopath Would Die is Normal – It’s Part of Healing

While it’s true the sociopath has no conscience, the fact is we do have a conscience. And feelings. And we really would not ever come remotely close to killing the bastard or bastardette. But it sure feels good thinking about it every quiet once in a while – but only for a while. — This feeling passes.

imagesThese out of character flashing thoughts occur during a brief part of the reaction to the trauma at their hands. It’s got a name. It’s called Battered Person Syndrome. Lorena gave her husband’s penis a whack 20 years ago, June 23, 1993. She faced court charges and trials and public scrutiny and then it was judged that she was under temporary insanity when she sawed of her hubby’s little, sleepy, dangling thingy. Can you picture it? — Did she drop the knife and run when her cheating-beating-husband woke from a dead sleep screaming and spurting blood from his little sausage? Or, rather – from where it used to be? – We know she held onto his penis – later it was sewn back on.

If we’re smirking and enjoying this scenario
does this make us cold and heartless?? No.
It means we’re alive, and thank goodness we have a sense of humor.
John came out okay. He even got to star in a couple pornos
– all due to his hacked-off, patched-up penis.

We Feel Kinda Crazy and Kinda Guilty

Hmmm. Temporary insanity. – Uh, yah. Some of us could get there. We know that. Let’s not. It’s so not worth. Instead let’s open our hearts towards ourselves. Seek out an accurate perspective on what these soul-jackings are. They are crimes. We were not in relationships and likely – neither was Lorena Bobbit. — Did you see that guys photo? The face of a sociopath if there ever was one.

Know the Real Deal – Be Free

We want to refocus and reframe the nightmare. Look at it for what it was: A Crime. The sociopath has a simplistic, myopic mind. They only care about 2 things: 1) Getting what they want. And 2) Not getting caught. All the emotional upheaval we go through is the fallout of the way they bulldoze through countless target’s worlds with their permanent life view, which is: “I am better than everyone. I deserve whatever I want. I will take it. You will be grateful. You will shut up.”

Sociopaths believe they are fantastic. We know they’re monsters. – And that we are not – so no… we won’t go around killing anyone. We’re gonna look towards rebuilding our lives and using the madness to, in fact, become a better version of ourselves. It’s called turning karma into mission. Transform the icky karma of meeting Mr. Shit-pants into value – Lorena did it. She has started an organization, called Lorena’s Red Wagon, that helps victims of domestic abuse with profoundly simple and equally significant things – like providing birthday cakes for the children of victims who have escaped, but are say, maybe in a shelter. I officially love Lorena Bobbit.

Our actions in challenging our destiny become examples and inspiration for countless others… When we change our karma into mission, we transform our destiny from playing a negative role to a positive one… Therefore those who keep advancing, while regarding everything as part of their mission proceed toward the goal of transforming their destiny. ~ Daisaku Ikeda, Living Buddhism, August 2003

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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Hoovering Happens

Like the Cat in the Hat, the Sociopath comes back.
For more trouble. It’s why we go No Contact.
There’s only one thing he or she wants: more and to keep us silent.

pT585Mg6cHoovering as in – yes the Hoover brand vacuum; sociopaths attempt to suck us back in. Sociopaths Hoover victims when the game is over. Call it post-game love bombing. Why don’t they just go away? It’s not about love. They aren’t sorry no matter what they say. They only want one thing as always: control. They hope to keep the doorway to the goodies open and they want to monitor our intent to spread the word that they’re Big Fat You-Know-Whats or report them to police and stuff like that.

Sociopaths Are Narcissistic – But Sociopaths (ASPD) Aren’t Narcissists (NPD)

Sociopaths are narcissistic – as in the verb: to be narcissistic, self focused. Technically classified as antisocial-psychopaths, they’re bereft of kindness an d fully into themselves. -Sociopaths are 100% self-focused. They’re without guilt or remorse. They like no one. They love no one: not us, not the next woman, not the last woman – or man. (Because really – they’ll take either. Read about it here.)

When it’s over they are super super maaaad. Not because they love us for reals – not because they have regret about the way they treated us. Not because they want to pay us back all the money they stole from us. Nope. Their brain does not feel remorse. (Really. Read about it here: they lack empathy.)

Sociopaths Have Uncontrollable Rage

They’re mad at being found out. They’re mad at having to secure a new living situation or a new main-vein house-mouse or line to funds for living. I know – this is so gross. And so true. What they want is a 2nd chance. A 2nd chance to “F” us over. A 2nd chance to dip into the cookie jar – meaning our bank accounts. And – because they want us as a fan – they like to hang onto the old – even if it’s only in the form of FB “likes” – to give new targets, and many random other’s who exist only in the sociopath’s imagination, the impression that they’re “good” people. And cool. And popular. And awesome. Really, they’re just S–t.

In case it hasn’t become clear yet: sociopaths are nuts.

“When individuals with psychopathy imagine others in pain, brain areas necessary for feeling empathy and concern for others fail to become active and be connected to other important regions involved in affective processing and decision-making.” ~ Frontiers in Human Neuroscience.

It’s pretty hard on the poor little sociopath when we go no contact.
Hoovering is their attempt to keep control.
It’s their attempt to keep their very existence validated.

Sociopaths aka Narcissists have no remorse. No guilt. They aren’t sorry. They are maaaad when we go no contact. (Read Sociopaths & No Contact) Not because they are sorry and want to apologize. Not because they love us. Not because they miss us – but because it means the game is over. It means we found out they’re liars. It means we won’t give them anything. Ever. Never again. It means they have to stir up and bring to full funding some of their other or newer resources. (Read right here: Sociopaths Other Women. )

Without Normal People and Empaths, Sociopaths Can’t Survive

Since we don’t believe them anymore – when you think about it – it kinda means in a sense they don’t exist – I mean if we don’t believe them, are they really even there? Imagine if no one believed the lies they tell… who would they be since it’s all made up?

We can do it. Go No Contact. Ignore the Hoovering. We are awesome.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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. and it’s agents are not licensed attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty and is not responsible for decisions, actions or their outcomes made by true love scam recovery™  readers or email subscribers. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery™ Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

Trauma Bonding Comes From our Innate Goodness

Trauma Bonding originates in normal stress response.
Another human function a Sociopath hijacks for their own use.
Another element of human-ness the victims are blamed for as if it’s a weakness.
Let’s put a stop that right now.

11407138_1591316094474757_7443688208356041061_n[1]Bonding in times of stress occurs whether we like it or not. It’s a built-in mechanism  – not to ruin us – but to bring us connection with those we love and to build new-found resilience and strength to handle the crisis. In the chaos of life with a sociopath – we do bond with them, because we love them despite the fact they’re the cause of the trauma. — And then we see the truth. Breaking the trauma bond is doable. “Trauma Bonding” isn’t a weakness in our soul. It’s innate in healthy human beings. There is nothing wrong with us. We are not broken. We are richly, fully, amazingly human. This is our saving grace.

Targets Blamed for the Scam

All we need is a little knowledge and far less judgement. The prey of sociopaths are blamed for the scam, blamed for hanging on…?! Phhhffftt!  – Sorry, Charlie. We’re human. Glorious, gorgeous, amazing human! — And because we’re human, we’ll forgive those who say, “Didn’t you KNOW s/he was a con man?!?!?! Why did you stay…?!”  – Let’s dissect the biology of the trauma bond to understand how we can heal ourselves.

The bottom of our world drops.
The love of our life is a beast from hell.
Our stomach lurches, our heart pounds, we choke on our breath.
Adrenaline floods our brain.

The revelation that there is no love; the discovery that we’re the ‘mark’ of a criminal fraudster takes our breath away; brings vertigo and laser clarity in equal measure. In one moment we go from the struggle of trying to align an out-of-sync relationship to the blinding truth that there isn’t one – there wasn’t one. It’s true love scam.

No relationship here. Nothing but a collision.

When we See Behind the Mask to the Monster

Yes, before the mask completely falls we know things aren’t great – but not in our wildest imagination can we or anyone else yet comprehend the reality: we face a maestro of deceit and destruction wearing the skin and clothing of a person we thought was the love of our life. Terror floods our veins; danger stands before us where what felt merely like troubled-love stood only a split second ago. Our heart races. Our mind spins.

We’re at a precipice. A crucial moment that decides our future.
We fall into a chasm of terror or lift ourselves to a new life.
Either takes the same energy.

We’ve all heard – and have experienced – that stress makes us sick from annoying colds to heart attacks. Stress has been thought to be something to avoid. There is no avoiding stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. During even one year of lots of stress, a leading health psychologist, Dr. Kelly McGonigal tells us, studies show that stress gives a 43% increased risk of edging us toward our demise – but that’s old news! Now they know – DRUM ROLL: This is the result only if we believe stress is harmful. – Remember, they used to believe the earth was flat?

There’s a new take on stress.
Stress is now known as the “biology of courage.”
Trauma bonding and the trauma of life with a sociopath is our path to amazingness.
It’s one of the cool things about being human.

The rush of blood and adrenaline, the rapid heart rate – the other chemicals made by our bodies under stress – will, rather than defeat us, save our lives.

Stress and Trauma Cause Us to Bond

Stress gives us access to our hearts. The stress of trauma gives us the instinct to reach out to others who love us and — to support those in stress. This connecting factor saves us and brings health and longevity. Stress – even stress from a monster attack – is our friend. It isn’t the enemy as we’ve been taught; stress isn’t the road to the common cold, but the pathway to more compassion for ourselves and anyone in need of support.

Our pounding heart is preparing us for action, pumping energy into our blood stream. The increased breathing is getting oxygen to our brains for precise body function. When we think of the stress response as on our side rather than something that makes us sick we relax into it and biochemically within our body the reaction is “like that in moments of joy and courage”.

Courage and connection is found in the alchemy of this life and death traumatic stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. – A stronger, bigger better heart.

There is a simple hypothesis about what steers the human brain to trust another human: a hormone called oxytocin….our behavior is also influenced by a large number of very complex, yet identifiable, biological processes. Future research should help us understand how cognitive and biological processes interact in shaping our decisions about whom to trust. ~ Brain Trust, by Michael Kosfeld

Stress Leads Us to Others – Its a Good Thing

Stress makes us social – the chemical reaction in the body from stress makes us reach out to those we love and simultaneously causes us to fight for those we love. That famous hormone: oxytocin is a neuro-hormone created in the pituitary gland shooting magic-sauce through the body when under stress that has a special, purposeful function. As Dr. McGonigal says, it “fine tunes our social instincts.” This chemical rush primes us to do things that strengthens close relationships. Stress makes us more willing to help and support people we care about.

A built-in mechanism of handling stress: human connection.
Another human function the sociopath turns to their advantage.

Initially the chaos the sociopath whips up in our relationship; the uncertainty-certainty teeter-totter they love to play on, bonds us – to them – because of the flood of oxytocin we didn’t even know our body was shooting out.

OMG, this explains sooooo much I wanna dance and sing!!! 

Announcement: The more havoc and imbalance the sociopath makes, the more our bodies involuntary and protective stress reaction makes us reach out to them, because – at least in that moment – we still love them. That’s how humans function biologically. If we trust and believe them, we fight for them, and for us as a couple. — Until we don’t. Until they do something so horrific our body recognizes them for what they are: the enemy from hades. Then things really heat up.

When we see through the sociopath that fight-or-flight rush of oxytocin is all for us.
Run to real true love of family and long time friends.
Embrace our own lives.

Connect with others in the aftermath of a sociopath. Stress creates resilience and joy. Trust yourself – we can handle the challenge of the stress in the aftermath of a sociopath – the ability is built into our body – and even our body knows we don’t have to face it alone.

There’s more.
Introducing, Dr. Kelly McGonigal, TED Talk.
Listen to the doctor, she explains it much better than I do. 

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

It’s time to thrive!

Join the true love scam email list here.

Schedule a True Love Scam Recovery Consultation
with Jennifer Smith. Break free.

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., founded November 2014, is a public service. The site is operated, written and administrated without financial remuneration. content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice through any medium is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty. See the entire and full True Love Scam Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.