what do narcissists look for? Archives - true love scam recovery

Feeling like users, narcs,
and sociopaths gravitate to you?
Is it possible to be a sociopath magnet?
Some would have us think so.
Know the real deal.

Sociopath magnets are not specifically or particularly you or me… The thing is: Anyone will do. Think of it like this: A sociopath is a predator. They do need to grasp someone in their clutches, draw a subject into their vortex in order to survive. And because of this, they hunt all the time.

Any rudimentary predator within the animal kingdom on any planet knows where and how to find dinner. This is nothing special. It’s wired into their DNA. They arrived out of the box this way: They are not geniuses.

Normal Fills the Bill Just Right

So, what is it that brings them sniffing around…? Sociopaths need normal people; people who do what normal people do when they’re in love and believe they’re in a relationship with another regular, normal person.

sociopath magnet attract con man users narcissists

The thing is these, users need people who: Love, give, believe in relationships, and make efforts to build a relationship. People who are up for a compromise rather than an argument. People who trust. Gorgeous normal souls who are magnanimous as well as monogamous.

The predator can sense Individuals who are responsible and these other characteristics: A sense of adventure, those who’ve experienced loss, have had disappointments, have successes, are genuine, and real, and who stay when the going gets rough because that’s what normal does. Sociopaths need us. Not the other way around. So are we a sociopath magnet…? Or human…?

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Many Misconceptions Float Around About How This Happens

Here Are Some of The Inaccurate Ideas About How This Happens

That we’re plagued by low self esteem
We’re codependent
We allowed it
They’ve been enabled by us
We’re stupid

Sociopath Magnet: Do Sociopaths Look for People with Low Self-Esteem?

This is the same principle as in a world where rape victims are blamed for being raped because they’re pretty, or they smile, or they wear a sexy dress, or they breathe while being female.

No, they do not “look for” people with low self-esteem… They need us to hold up their lives. Sociopaths do not look for people with low self-esteem. These weaklings look for strong people, not weak people. It’s an absolute fact that being preyed upon by con men, user sociopath can cause people to end up feeling incredibly weak and low and without a doubt experiencing trauma and a very specific PTSD that requires specific healing.

And, yes, that feeling is part of why people “stay.” And sometimes that feeling remains within someone’s life for a very long time. In no way does feeling low give any monster permission to use, deceive, and defraud us.

Are We Co-Dependent: Is That Why They Use Us?

Nope. That’s not it either. I’ve got one thing to say about that: They are the dependent ones. They are the ones with zero boundaries. There is nothing about us that gives anyone permission or the right to deceive us, lie to us, steal from us, and worse. Nothing about us invites them or allows them to use our lives for their own devious purposes.

Anyone can be duped by these monsters. I’ve done recovery sessions with people who’ve been seduced and sucked into true love scams who are Licensed social workers, police officers, an immigration attorney who got ensnared into marriage for a green card by a sociopath, mental health specialists, pastors, and psychologists. All of them, just like we were ensnared by a sociopath, scammer, narcopath, narcissist, narc – whatever you want to call them, monster.

That Old Chestnut: Women Blamed For Being Used

Blaming the target of a crime, masquerading as a relationship, is ridiculously common; especially if that target was a woman the blame falls at her feet. This harkens back to the dark ages, which it seems, unfortunately, is apparently still the era we’re in.

The very idea of a “sociopath magnet” implies it’s the targeted prey who are at fault for the predators actions and our subsequent fall down the rabbit hole. So not true.

This is the same principle as in a world where rape victims are blamed for being raped because they’re pretty, or they smile, or they wear a sexy dress, or they breathe while being female.

This thinking echos tales in classic literature like, “Tess of the d’Ubervilles“, “The Hunchback of Notre Dame“, and “The Scarlet Letter” in which the woman is to blame for the nasty things bad men do.

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And, Yes, There Are Female Sociopaths

When using the word narcissist, if that person is a user, a conman, a person who lives by deceiving others, a scammer, a scumbag – that’s a sociopath. They are male or female. And still, there’s nothing we do to attract them aside from having a pulse and being normal.

Not only are we misunderstood in this nightmare, but so are the fundamental intent and motivation of the predator. It’s often said what they want is “control”… What is that?

Remember they’re looking for personal gain and survival. They’re looking for a place to sleep, a car, money, a respectability facade, someone to rape maybe. Control? To control what? To get what? Credit cards, addresses, food, a couch, a shower, the internet, access to countries, a place to hide out… They’re motivated to gain immediate and fundamental survival needs.

Are We Enabling the Predatory Sociopath?

When someone says something mean we take it to heart by way of a natural chemical response in our bodies. In other words: we don’t react the way we do because we’re codependent, enablers. We react the way we do because we’re human.

This is a very common concept and something many of us believe, or the people around us believe. Here’s teething though: they are a sociopath. They will be one with or without us. There’s nothing about us that gives anyone permission or the right to deceive us, lie, steal, and worse.

Nothing about us gives anyone permission, or invites them, or allows or enables them to do this anymore than having a car gives someone permission to steal it or enables them to take it. And if they do take our car, in no way is it our fault.

Taking things from people is universally recognized by anyone, anywhere, in any culture, and in any country on the planet as a crime.

Therapists Can Have it Wrong

You’ll read many articles here and there on Psychology Today, calling them a “narcissist” and stating that this is your fault: that you need to reexamine what you’ll accept in a relationship or your “relationship standards”: THEY ARE WRONG. Wrong. Plain wrong. Here’s why…

Therapists are not trained in what this really is. – This is newly discovered and you are a part of that discovery. Trust that you, as prey of a predator who lived this surreal bizarre nightmare – likely already know far more about what this is than any therapist you could find.

There is no textbook that talks about the reality of this entrapment and the hell we go through under their spell. The therapy paradigm: the job of being a therapist is also off. kilter to support you. It is this: you as the person who entered their office (or Zoom) are ow this patient/client and it is their job to identify what is “wrong” with you and to “fix” it. – One problem with this is: There is nothing wrong with you.

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Stupid…? The Parasitic Predator: Yes, Us: No

A sociopath does not hijack someone’s life to make use of them because that person is stupid. The predator looks for capable people. After all, they need to make use of us to hold up their life.

The sociopath themselves is quite aware: these are not relationships: they are crimes.

Sociopath Magnet? Phhhhfft

We are not the ones responsible for their inhumane and demon-like behavior. The very idea of a sociopath magnet implies it’s the targeted prey who are at fault for the fall down the rabbit hole. So not true.

Being blamed for trusting a man we later discover deceived us is more trauma. Targets too often are blamed by people we turn to for support: spiritual leaders, family, community leaders, and authorities who say they’re there to “protect and serve”. We’re looked at as if it’s our fault, especially the more emotional we are in the moment of reporting.

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Emotions and Reactions to Being Used and Deceived are Legit

A response in the way of “feelings” is normal for normal humans. When someone says something mean we take it to heart by way of a natural chemical response in our bodies. In other words: we don’t react the way we do because we’re codependent, enablers. We react the way we do because we’re human.

Do we still believe the earth is flat? Of course not. All theories, discoveries, and insights evolve. This information about the reality of the human race evolving. Let’s step it up. Have the confidence to declare what we know. We’re grown folk. We can do it. After all, a tiny child pointed out that the Emperor wore no clothes.

Sociopaths, Narcissists, Con Men, Pathological Users, Narcs, Narcopaths Can Only Be What They Are

As hard as that is to take in, it’s true: There are monsters walking among us. These monsters depend on regular people. Being a regular person is all it takes for a sociopath to aim their bait at us, the constant and persistent contact some call love bombing. Sociopaths do this all day long: it’s all they can do.

A sociopath – and maybe you’re using the word narcissist – needs credibility, so normal people trust them for one reason and one reason only: so they can take whatever they need and want.

A defrauding, abnormal-brained con man can’t not be what they are! They need normal, good people to trust them in order to: give them credibility, and seeming normalcy so normal people trust them.

So they can take and use those who trust them and then walk away as it wears thins and falls through. They know this day will arrive and live in fear of it, and more fear of what will occur in the aftermath. – Believe it or not, they fear us.

No One Can Recognize a Red Flag Waving for Something We Don’t Know Exists

No one can know these monsters exist until they know. And yes, those targeted by them trust them, believe them, and feel that they love them. In actuality, this isn’t love that we feel… we believe it is, we call it this, we yearn with it.

In truth, we just don’t have a word for what it is, other than maybe hypnotized or infused with venom that scrambles the soul.

The sociopath isn’t who they say they are – it takes time to discover this. We’ve been seduced and mesmerized – and if you don’t believe this can happen – just tell that to Madison Avenue and the whole basis for the world economy.

We’re seduced daily by advertising, magazines, reality shows into spending thousands of dollars on iPhones, Lexus, and undergoing surgeries for Kardashian-like-lips.

Nobody is Stupid Here

A woman or man trusting, investing emotionally, and believing that the person standing in front of them, who they share meals with, a bed with, a life with, truly loves them… That’s normal. Not stupid. It isn’t enabling.

We’re normal whole humans and have every right to be exactly what and who we are. Here’s what’s absurd and not okay in the slightest: Blaming regular people who didn’t know these dirt-bags existed for that monster in disguise not being trustworthy, and for being a criminal and a deceiver and for harming them.

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If We’re Alive and Breathing: We’re Prey

If we’re human sociopaths, con artists, users look at us as prey. If we’re breathing we’re a likely target, until we know the truth of what they are.

And more… These great human qualities of trust and kindness, of sticking in with people we love even when times are tough are why humankind still exists on this planet.

They’re innate and remarkable, essentially involuntary traits; they’re so second nature we notice our trust and interconnectedness less than we notice our own heartbeat or breath going in and out. Our beautiful human essence, our humanity is taken for granted.

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These are Crimes of Deception: They Commit the Crime: Not Us

In these crimes these awesome, normal, human hard-wired characteristics of trust, believing in love, bonding more in a crisis, even when our loved one is the source of the crisis are branded as a weakness and a fault. The blame for the sociopath’s invasion is laid at our feet. Is this right…? Is this fair…?

No one can help anyone going through this if their beliefs and thoughts about this phenomenon are that it was their fault for being used and hijacked and deceived. That’s so much B.S. That’s the old blame-the-woman-who-got-raped angle rather than the laying responsibility at the feet of the rapist. Please, do not perpetuate or buy into this nonsense.

“When highly praised by others there’s no hardship one cannot bear. Such is the courage that springs from words of praise… When praised one does not consider one’s personal risk and when criticized one can recklessly cause one’s own ruin. Such is the way of common mortals.” ~ Nichiren Daishonin, The True Aspect of All Phenomena

Take No Responsibility for a Sociopath’s Inhumanity

A sociopath is a sociopath is a sociopath. We didn’t make them. We don’t let them. They’re going to remain sociopaths no matter what we do or don’t do. There is no sociopath on earth that heeds any boundary.

Take responsibility for learning what they are, for realizing by contrast how amazing we are, and for our full recovery. When we know sociopaths exist, and what that really means we can forever sidestep them.

Here’s the truth: We’re all possible prey of these beasts as long as we’re human. Sociopaths – antisocial psychopaths, are responsible for these fake relationships that are truly crimes, not the people they target.

Someday Recognizing a Sociopath Will Be a Skill We All Have

The day will come when enough people gain this skill and discerning wisdom, the destruction and ruin sociopaths make will be lessened. As we get stronger in our humanity, their dark influence diminishes.

This increase in humanity gives their existence the only value I can imagine it to have. There’s nothing more evil in the world than at any time in history. It has simply risen to the surface for all to see.

We want to be sure to remain human and humane. Stand up for goodness, humanity, and kindness. Demand it. Be it. We are awesome.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.