Handle Hoovering: these nut-job-broken-brains
dooooo want to “stay in touch.”
When blocking isn’t enough a new number heads up the to-do list.
But… we hesitate.
Sociopaths keep up the facade as long as possible in the face of pure ridiculousness and obvious lying. They don’t care or mind if we know what they are…! Not one jot.
What they care about is that we’re still “all-in.”
They mind very much if we’re still in their control or not. Keeping us “in” and under control happens through contact – and only through contact.
Isn’t this how the whole thing happened…? That, my sweets is all it takes. One more buzz of a text, one more late night call. One more email. Another text… and…
Blocking sometimes isn’t enough.
Peace of mind, a fresh start.
Give ourselves every advantage in healing.
As long as we leave a portal open, they seep in. Or step in. Or stay in.
Our stomach churns. They’re in our head. They stay present at the surface and underneath every moment of the day. This is the antithesis of “over.” And if it isn’t over – we’ve not yet put one foot onto the long road of healing. At this point in the sham: this is all-in. This is all it takes: buuzzzz-buuzzzz-buuzzzz.
You feel that?
Even the idea of that phone vibrating and jumping on the table is nauseating.
Listen to your gut. Trust it.
To Block, or Not to Block the Nut-Bag – Or to Get a New Number?
Top 3 Reasons for Not Blocking or Getting a New Number to End Hoovering
I can’t change my number because of my clients and my business.
It makes me feel strong to see his call come in and not take it.
It’s hard to block him; we were together for so-many years.
Oh, I get it.
What we want to do is take all our reasoning, all our decisions and turn them into moments of self-care, embracing our own life and building our lives the way we want them to be. This is separate from basing our decisions on “fear” or “love” for the sociopath – or because of not yet accepting what they really are.
Let’s look at each of these seemingly reasonable
reasons for not getting a new number.
I Can’t Change My Number Because of Clients:
I get how this can seem logical. But. Really….?! Isn’t this the very reason to change your number…? You need your phone. You need your phone. We need to conduct business. To continue building our lives. We need the freedom to create our business without fear, hoovering, stalking and mental and emotional torture.
Make this about ourselves. Use this to build business and connect with clients. Have a client email list…? Write a cheery newsletter and send out your new number; maybe an offer for something we sell, or our service. Most business people strain to find reasons to reach out to clients…! Use this to our advantage. Make it a good thing. Let your phone ring freely.
Know when what we do is truly in our best interest, or something else.
I Feel Strong Not Answering the Sociopath’s Calls:
Soooooooo understand. But. Honestly…? Strong…? Okay. That could be good. Or are we a little flattered? Or traumatized? Still connected? Not quite out of the frying pan, but still in a surreal comfort zone? Is it out of fear?
We can’t compromise for the benefit of the dark side. It’s a natural, second-nature skill we’ve honed during our time with the sociopath. Turning anything into reasonable logic is the body’s beautiful, innate ability to make it through hard times. This is how we survive and adapt the confusion – technically this is managing cognitive dissonance. We all do this, usually daily. It’s decision-making.
We regularly do this in other parts of our lives.
We do it to maintain working for a boss whose ethics we don’t fully support, for example. We may swallow what we prefer as a good or safe way to spend time when negotiating how late our teen can stay out on Saturday night. It’s simply resolving a conflict between one thought and another.
We settle cognitive dissonance when we’re weighing whether to eat potato chips and cream cheese for dinner or salad with some healthy protein. – We need this life saving and species preserving trait. It’s a great and gorgeous thing — it’s time to turn our natural protective instincts truly back onto ourselves in a pure way. Trust our own lives.
None of this is easy.
We Were Together for Years
Uhmmm. Nooooo… not exactly, dear friend. In these circumstances we were absconded heart and soul within a crime for so-many years. Know what really happened. Accepting that these beasts exist is the foundation of truly recovering.
Know This About New Phone Numbers:
They’re recycled. Yes. That means we might get a number someone else didn’t want – maybe someone in shoes similar to ours. This means our phone might ring with strange numbers in calls that are not for us. Be prepared.
- Never answer a call we don’t recognize.
- Take a deep breath and calmly Google the number after it comes in. 323-405-4563, for example comes up in a search as a known number for fraud IRS (tax) demands. Really.
- Block all calls from such numbers.
- Never answer any call that says: Unknown Caller. Unavailable. Or Blocked.
- Each time, have the confidence and reason to say to ourselves: that call wasn’t for me.
- There are apps and software available to detect who called: don’t buy into it. It furthers the panic. Trust our gut.
- Know these bill-collecting, robo-calls for Javier, or Janet, or Dave will stop after a few months. Some cell phones show a written version of the message for Donna, not for us.
Cognitive Dissonance is the Basis of Decision Making
Comfort and confidence in decision-making is one of the first things that goes out the window in the confusion and chaos of life entangled by a sociopath. The chasm between what we first experience as profound compatibility and then the holes that show up one by one by one require a deepening facility for rationalizing… altering our views in favor of what seem like super-ideas or the incredible takes on life and relationships they spew at us.
TED Talks to Watch When We Have Big Decisions to Make
The self-confidence and clarity to make decisions is like watery jello during ptsd. Or just a dull thud in our heads. There’s nothing there. — Knowing what to do comes back slowly and in great huge, encouraging chunks with each decision we bravely make that is truly for our health and well-being, rooted in a wish to build our life for its own sake rather than in response to the terror wrought in our bones by a maniac. – We are awesome.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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