No-contact is outside our comfort zone.
It’s a new skill that our
wellbeing depends on.
No contact is extremely unnatural and feels completely weird. Cutting someone off isn’t our “norma”l. Normal people don’t just ghost. As normal limbic-brained humans, our biological wiring compels us to connect and care.
There’s a deep internal connection thing that goes on spontaneously between ourselves and others. It isn’t easy for us to drop someone like a hot potato.
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Dating someone a little odd..?
Surrounded by a foggy state of confusion?
This is a sign that you’re dating a sociopath.
By the time we’re wondering if the guy or girl we’re dating is a sociopath, this thought has floated to the surface of our conscious mind because things are bad… right?
This idea rises up to our conscious mind from some space in our gut. In my experience, it isn’t a thought I put together but almost a voice fomr soemwhere else in my body. This occurs because we’re feeling icky and are seeking an answer. A kind of indescribable icky feeling is often the precursor to the unconscious voice of the gut. We’re feeling unhappiness, and an unsettled, sinking feeling and we’ve discovered this uneasiness stems from them.
Continue readingWe ask: who does that?!
Our eyes get huge, our stomachs churn.
Confusion floods our entire body and mind.
We say: why can’t they just ____ ?!
Sociopaths and confusion. These two things go together like cock roaches and outdoor industrial garbage bins. Confusion reigns when we’re around one of these people. Their very presence causes a dizziness that we, as normal humans interpret as excitement: because we don’t know that what they are exists. Even when they say something strange, we balance it with an interpretation of it as fitting into “normal” or having an explanation that’s acceptable or passably normal. Our state of mind when we’re entrapped or mesmerized, or admire or love them is confusion.
There are two reasons for this. Let’s start with one of them. The reason we’ll get into is that as normal people all we can do is try to understand them from the way we experience life. From our point of view. The pathological user does not share our point of view of life in any way whatsoever. They don’t think as we do, feel as we do, or do anything as we do. So, looking for a reason for their actions and nutty words through the lens of our normal lives is only going to make us more confused.
As normal-old, every day, tax-paying, Netflix watching humans, we look at the world and all the people in it from the point of view of what we are: good. It might be difficult to see, but if you’re a regular person, you’re good.
Truly, no matter your politics, no matter your religion, if you have people you love and care for: you’re fundamentally normal. – And every normal one of us can only see others through the eyes of what we are fundamentally and what we already know to be so through experience. – Fortunately, we can take in new information, new insights, and new perspectives and so: see things anew.
While in confusion, we look at what the sociopath (narcissist) does and says through our own hearts. And further then, we interpret and respond to what they do and say based on the things we all, as normal whole-humans, generally believe and know to be the way things are.
And this is the root of how and why we flail in these long and hard and devastating rides through hell with these beasts of destruction and stay wounded long after they fly away. In order to restore our lives, we need to see them for what they are rather than through what we are.
The basics of what they’re after doesn’t change.
The sociopath does not dwell in the same space we do. They are here physically, but that’s where our similarities and understanding – as it were – end and our confusion begins.
It’s very, very, very difficult to get to a place where we can see these people precisely and exactly for what they are. It’s traumatic and must be waded into gently and slowly. The brutality of their actual minds is incomprehensible to us.
We can, however, form glimpses of it in tiny flashes frequently enough that the spell is utterly broken and we step back into ourselves. – This is what I show people how to do in sessions.
Once we hone it, this skill of recognizing a pathological user for what they are stays with us. There are clear instant-takes on the depths of monster in anyone around us. When this is a skill we’ve attained there is no sociopath (narcissist) that can get inside our lives.
Additionally, in this skill, we benefit by being more perceptive and aware and sensitive and appreciative of kind and good. And amazingly, we can see the shades of nuance in all people of all emotional make-ups. We beam when we see the variations of kindness. The connection and human bonding that is the cornerstone of human survival and the key to thriving becomes ours. – Freedom, complete freedom.
By seeing them for what they are, we effectively diffuse the pathological predators’ and users’ ability to use and destroy people. We are their saving grace and our own.
Can we linger any longer in the confusion? Do we have any more time to give people-of-harm the benefit of the doubt? Let’s cut the frills. How about we stop adding in our emotions and feelings and ideas of what is in their minds and behind their actions. Let’s strip what’s happening down to the bone and see what it really is.
There are only two things that a sociopath, any sociopath, all sociopaths – narcissists – care about and want: to do whatever they want – and not be stopped.
In order for this to happen, they need us to shut up. And to put out. Shut up refers to not asking questions, not expecting anything in particular. And defending them. Put out refers to the myriad things they gain from us: money, places to live, support, cars, respectability by being seen with us, access to a group or country, a facade of professionalism, property, sex, our defending them, our vote, our protection and so on and on and on.
This is precisely and only what they care about. This happens when we don’t know what they are and what that means. Fundamentally they are not good. Inside their minds and hearts, they are 100% different than we are. Healthy whole humans are wired to bond and connect as survival. Pathological users are wired to use others for survival.
There is a difference between someone who has some emotional hang-ups and snags that lead them to turn lots of things back to the subject of themselves. This is very, very different than a sociopath, the antisocial psychopath: predator, pathological user, con man, and con woman.
Trust your gut on the level of danger someone is, rather than your brain and thoughts that float around your head, such as, well they were nice after they called me an idiot. Please, also question and reconsider the notion that someone is the way they are due to a troubled childhood (every sociopath’s – narcissist’s – excuse for being cruel).
It’s normal to make reasons for what they did that shed a benevolent light upon them. That’s what we are as humans: people who feel good is what makes the world go round. – And it does. So, let’s make that good force stronger, protect that good by understanding and accepting – and so diffusing – the malevolent element that also exists.
Sorry to bear the hard news, but if we can’t get to a place where we can clearly see that there are indeed people whose hearts are not full of good, but instead are full of arrogance to a degree that it will slit our throats, full or rage to a level of darkness that it would make our head split open if we could feel it even for a millisecond we won’t recover fully from our own personal time in a “relationship” with one of these people. And then surely we won’t reconcile and restore good on a larger scale.
Truly, at this time, be willing to take a step further into realizing: we make the world the way it is. We create our own lives. By thought, word, and deed. By our perception, our beliefs, our actions.
Let’s put a stop to confusion. How about we take on the task of deciphering the reality of our own experience? Remove the personal, because these people-of-prey don’t see us as individuals that we are. We are objects to make use of so they can do whatever they want and not be stopped. – The thing is, when we know this, they are stopped.
This clearing of the confusion within our own experience transfers to clearing the confusion and stopping the malevolent on the world stage. Who knew when we fell into their trap that we were signing up to be activists for the humanity of humankind!?
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