How Do I Know I'm Dating a Sociopath? - true love scam recovery

If you’re Googling for answers,
If you’ve begun to think of your date as a “narcissist”,
you’re dating a sociopath.

How do you know you’re dating a sociopath…? First of all, sociopath is a big scary word. But, the thing is, if we’re Googling for answers about the new beau who we’ve begun to think might be a “narcissist” and gathering information on that, we’re absolutely going to come up against some misleading (and just plain wrong) information.

Saying this is not to dismiss the colossal efforts put in by everyone trying to figure this out on socials and websites and in books, and YouTube, and TikTok, and podcasts who coined the term “narcissist” and shaded their definitions with hope.

Yes, out of normal and natural human hope that the monster that sent them searching for answers was at least partially human, collectively we’ve put out some faulty information for truly saving our lives. Let’s talk about it…

Dating a Sociopath is Specific

How to know if you're dating a sociopath. A man and woman at a romantic candle-lit dinner for two.

I too experienced one of these nutters. I married one. And since saving my own life and restoring what he tore apart, I’m on a mission to support people in the most direct way possible.

That is to apply a factored down experience-based view of the nightmare and these nutters that all of us can relate to, and then we go from there.

Out of this factored down, objective and root point of view, I’ve come to call the creatures who bring this surreal chaos into our lives sociopaths. -And more recently psychopaths, but we’ll leave that extra big scary word on the back burner for now. Sociopath will suffice.

So…Who Am I Dating?

I’m going to get right into it here. Truly, if you’re wondering what’s gone wrong, why things are off between you and that person who came into your life as “so amazing”… You’re 99% dating a sociopath. (Actually 100%.) – And by the way, it’s okay to call them a “narcissist” so that you can read this and take in what you can.

To understand who we’re dating, let’s break it down. This is simply done, because there are very specific traits and behaviors every sociopath shares. We each experience some or all of them.

Understanding these traits is foundational to escaping, recovering and restoring our lives. Really comprehending what it means when someone is a sociopath makes this unique and horrific experience well… simpler. So, how do we know? How do we know if we’re dating a sociopath?

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What Do Sociopaths Do in Relationships?

In the beginning it seems magic. There’s an unhinged expectancy and excitement. We’re whipped up into a really over the top state of intense focus on them. And at the same time, some of us feel a reluctance. Overall, we’re thinking about them just about every second… What do they do…?

They want to see us often or text or talk once a day or all day and night
It seems they have a good job, are respected, maybe have a-lotta money
They might mention a pretty big problem in their life in a relationship or work
They make a lot of promises
From things they say, we build a sense of “us” and “we” quite quickly
They might offer us something: an opportunity, a job, love like never before, a new life
They allude to sex with us or begin intense sexual activity
Or: They might say they don’t have sex until commitment

How Dating a Sociopath Changes

If we’ve been hooked in, we stay around even when things shift. At least for a while. We stay because we’re normal, and normal people build relationships. We don’t end relationships or friendships lightly or easily. That’s normal. So, when we’re dating a sociopath, how does a sociopath’s behavior shift as time passes…?

The promises they made fall short of what we expected or anticipated
They say something really strange like, you only think you love me
They tell us there’s a part of their life we can’t be part of
We might have been cut from their socials, or told they don’t have social media
They have days they’re grouchy, brusk, or silent
Something feels off, uneasy, unsettled and unsettling
Sex changes…
Somewhere in your mind, you wonder if they’re lying

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How Dating a Sociopath Changes Even More

After a time it seems they don’t understand you and we have a really hard time understanding what they mean when they say something or why they’re doing what they do… When we try to bring back that initial connection or fix problems it’s all as slippery as trying to hold water in our hand. Now things are going this way:

They don’t talk, ignore our texts, or get mad at us for contacting them
They disappear for days
If we ask what’s up, they brush us off or tell us everything is our fault
They tell us to “just trust them”
We suspect or discover that they’re seeing other people
Feelings of uneasiness increase
It crosses our mind that maybe they’re mentally unstable
Something very wrong is going on, but we can’t put our finger on it
Their mood changes up to down, nice to mean, or from active to flat on the couch
They get weird about sex

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Dating a Sociopath Only Has One Outcome

Things can only go from bad to worse, and then to much, much…much worse. In the beginning, they’re nice. Then they’re not as nice… then harsh, and if that didn’t get us to shut up, they’re nice, then mean, then mad, and really scary. Eventually, they make unfounded accusations and call us names such as loser, whore, greedy, disgusting, and other bad things. Some of then show some of us violence.

It’s hard to wrap our heads around this, but: All of their behavior is for their own ends, their own safety and personal gain… and the truth is, they’ll take anyone they can get their hooks into through these five stages of true love scam… It’s always and only this.

And in the midst of experiencing the things they do and say, most of us spin in confusion, and wonder: Why?!?! Why can’t they just be normal?

Why Can’t They Be Normal?

Here’ s why parasitic predators are out for them selves and do whatever they please no matter the cost to those around them: Connectors between segments in their brains are missing so that they can’t feel or process emotions as we do.

“Narcissists”… sociopaths, psychopaths- don’t feel the emotions we feel. But if we get into info on “narcissists” we might think they can change if they really try or if they “get professional help”. Or that they’re “like this” because they “hurt”. This is simply not true. Please open that thinking up…

These creatures have a strictly limited set of emotions, none of which are comparable to ours. We often think they’re doing something “to punish us”, “to hurt us”, or “to make us jealous”… The truth is what they’re doing is for them…

As you read this you might not yet understand how being mean to us is for them, but it is. This is what we want to open up… Please, go ahead and step into not understanding, and ask to see more.

And as if that weren’t enough, to add to the soup, as much as we’re frustrated by them, they don’t understand us.

“Narcissists”, Sociopaths Don’t Understand Us

Have you come up against how hard it is- as in not possible to have an actual conversation with them? Has it been impossible to resolve any misunderstanding or make any real life plans with the sociopath you’re dating? Have you thought something was figured out only to have it slide right back into a mess?

This is because of differences between our brain and theirs. This difference means that no matter how many times we try to “talk about it”… We come up against more frustration, confusion, pain, and worse. -And further more, they just don’t seem to care!

They don’t care about our feelings. No matter what we say, how hard we try, no matter if we cry, scream or throw things. -Please don’t scream or throw things because this is likely to bring a reaction of violence or them accusing us of abuse or both.

And in addition to not caring: They can’t care. They have a different brain than we do. Everything they do and say is for themselves. Their behavior has nothing to do with us as individuals. This is their pathology. This is a sociopath.

Their brain causes other differences too. For example, you might notice that they don’t process the meanings of words the way we do. That they use words in odd ways that aren’t accurate, but somehow sort of fit the context, but…don’t. Additionally, you’ve likely noticed that they even lie when they don’t need to. These two differences are significant signs of their limited capacity to understand our world. To grasp meaning of a situation or circumstance at an emotional level as we do. There just isn’t really anyone there…

We End It: They Do Not

If you’re on this website wondering if you’re dating a “narcissist” trust your gut. Our uneasiness, unhinged feeling, confusion, our suspicion, fear, and the self-doubt about our suspicion and fear is proof. We already know… We’re dating a sociopath. Please, embrace your own life. Protect yourself. Find out how to leave them. Go no contact.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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