Tag Archives: escaping a sociopath

Die, Sociopath, Die: PTSD Hits Some Scary Places

Our own thoughts during PTSD freak us out.
How can we think we’d want someone dead?
It’s okay, it is fleeting and fine as long as we aren’t doing any killing.

PTSD after a sociopath is a full and whole body and mind experience. We find ourselves thinking and feeling things we’ve never experienced before. Among the mad and sad we can hardly acknowledge, there are seconds we wish they were d-e-a-d.

PTSD is a tangle of flooding, swirling emotions, and thoughts, and this is one of them. I wish they were just dead.

You don’t have to pretend that you don’t have this feeling if you’ve got it, nor feel guilty for it.

It’s our body is good and mad these life-stealing parasites – and rightly so.

The feeling is within a short phase of recovery, it doesn’t come up all day long in the way other thoughts or memories do and the phase doesn’t last too long. It’s normal. Don’t worry, this sickening thought will soon vanish.

How soon would you like to feel good again?

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PTSD: It’s Not The New Us

This startling though passing thought, during a certain point in the odyssey of restoring your life which usually hits within in the first months of the recovery from a sociopath con man and the unavoidable PTSD can really freak us out.

This is because we’re normal. So, instead of thinking something is wrong with us for thinking this, rest assured we feel bad for feeling it is reassurance that we’re normal.

This thought comes to almost all our minds and to some of our lips after a sociopath splits the scene and we’re left swirling in a cesspool of lies, deceit, ruin and devastation, shock, and is usually about two months after they’ve gone if we’re moving along, on course in the phases of recovery.

Better Off Dead: Them That Is

We have every right to go through the emotions and the experience of putting our out-of-balance nervous system back together after our life was hijacked by a sociopath con man. Not many people talk about this – you can bet I will.

Images dance through our minds of how: Beaten, chopped up – mostly beaten. We’d kinda like to see them tortured slowly. I even briefly wondered how people hire hitmen.

And instantly knew I’d do no such thing. And if I did I’d be suspect number one: The ex-spouse.

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PTSD Brings Fantasy Relief

At an odd moment, the thought might run past the viewing screen in your mind that we could maybe hire someone to kill them. That thought and doing something about it are lightyears apart.

We know we can’t; first of all, it’s seriously cost-prohibitive. (Yes, dark humor.) And secondly: We know we won’t do any such thing.

It’s a horrifying idea to feel, but die, sociopath, die are indeed terrible words that float up out of someplace in our body.

And a very normal thought in PTSD after a con man sociopath… Even if you’re calling them a narcopath or narcissist who has torn up our life. This feeling is so normal there’s a name for it: battered women’s syndrome.

Makes inr=e rethink the circumstances under which Lorena Bobbit cut of her sleeping husband’s penis with a kitchen knife in 1993. We all know it now: John Bobbit is a sociopath. Nobody knew or talked about that back then.

We have dreams during which someone – or we – kill them. We picture them being strangled or stoned to death. These life-stealing dirtbags have earned nothing less. Not all sociopaths beat their prey.

But emotional abuse does not go by harmlessly. When discovering we were ensnared by a sociopath; the deception, the mind-f**k, the house of cards. This is more than plenty to make us – naturally, instinctively form a very deep place in our lives – to want them dead during the normal-and-to-be-expected PTSD we go through.

Wishing the Narcissistic Sociopath Would Die is Normal: It’s Part of Healing

While it’s true the sociopath has no conscience, the fact is we do have a conscience. And feelings. And we really would not ever come remotely close to killing the bastard or bastardette. As surprised as we are at this thought… allow it. It’s okay. It’s natural. — This feeling passes quite quickly.

These out-of-character flashing thoughts occur during a brief part of the reaction to the trauma at their hands. It’s got a name. It’s called Battered Person Syndrome. Lorena gave her husband’s penis a whack 20 years ago, June 23, 1993.

Lorena faced court charges and trials and public scrutiny and then it was judged that she was under temporary insanity when she chopped off her hubby’s little, sleepy, dangling thingy with a kitchen knife.

The Trauma of The Hijacking Took Over Lorena Bobbit

Can you picture it? — Did she drop the knife and run when her cheating-beating-husband woke from a dead sleep screaming and spurting blood from his little sausage? Or, rather – from where it used to be? – We know she held onto his penis – later it was sewn back on.

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We Feel Kinda Crazy and Kinda Guilty

If we’re smirking and enjoying this scenario does this make us cold and heartless?? No. It means we’re alive, and thank goodness we have a sense of humor.

Temporary insanity… For some of us, on some days, it feels like we might be losing our minds… But, really you’re going to be okay. Let’s open our hearts toward ourselves. Think of how you were genuine, sincere, and doing what normal people do. That’s all good.

What We Believe Makes Our Lives

And John Bobbit came out okay. He even got to star in a couple adult movies; all due to his hacked-off, patched-up penis. Yes, irony. Humor heals.

Be careful what you believe about your experience. Anything telling you it’s your fault is flat-out wrong. If the answers you find make more pain and confusion rather than a shock but a feeling in your gut of truth and resolution: Keep looking. There are real answers.

Look into recovery coaching here

Go Beyond Answers or Explanations That Point to Fault in You

Seek out an accurate perspective on what these soul-jackings are. (Yes, that perspective is all over this website.) These are crimes. We were not in relationships and likely, neither was Lorena Bobbit.

Did you see that Bobbit guy’s photo? The face of a sociopath if there ever was one. John Bobbit has a criminal record before Lorena, during, and after Lorena for violence against women.

Know the Real Deal: Be Free

We want to refocus and look at it for what it was, a crime. The sociopath has a simplistic, myopic mind. They only care about two things: 1) getting what they want, and 2) not getting caught.

All the emotional upheaval we go through is the fallout of the way they bulldoze through countless targets’ worlds with their permanent view of life, which is: “I am better than everyone. I deserve whatever I want. I will take it. You will be grateful. You will shut up.”

Sociopaths believe they are fantastic. We know they’re monsters, and that we are not. So, no… No matter the dark surprising thoughts that rise up in a phase of the recovery. We won’t go around killing anyone.

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control
by Jennifer Smith

On Amazon, Paperback

Or for your Kindle App

We Decide What Winning Is: Restore Our Well Being

We’re going to look toward rebuilding our lives and using the madness to hopefully, ideally create something of value for ourselves and our loved ones. Within Nichiren Buddhism this is called: turning karma into mission. Transform the icky karma of meeting Mr. Poopy-pants into value – Lorena did it.

Lorena started an organization, called Lorena’s Red Wagon, that helps victims of domestic abuse with profoundly simple and equally significant things – like providing birthday cakes for the children of victims who have escaped, but are say, maybe in a shelter. I officially love Lorena Bobbit.

Our actions in challenging our destiny become examples and inspiration for countless others… When we change our karma into mission, we transform our destiny from playing a negative role to a positive one… Therefore those who keep advancing, while regarding everything as part of their mission proceed toward the goal of transforming their destiny. ~ Daisaku Ikeda, Living Buddhism, August 2003

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Time to Thrive!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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© 2014 – 2024 All Rights Reserved True Love Scam Recovery www.truelovescam.com

2016_06_23 2022_11_12

Trauma Bonding Comes from Our Innate Goodness

11 Replies

Trauma bonding is a normal stress response.
Our instinctive human bonding is
another normal human function
sociopaths hijack for their own use.
Lets take back our lives.

Bonding is part of humanity. It’s human at its essence. In times of stress or crisis bonding happens naturally. We see it within families, we see it within countries and groups. Bonding while in trauma is a built-in mechanism to bring us connection with those we love for new-found resilience and strength to handle the crisis.

This marvelous lifesaving mechanism to bond more deeply in times of attack, danger, or trouble occurs even when the one we love is the source of the crisis.

Traumatic bonding isn’t a weakness in our soul. It’s innate, normal and something we can’t not do as healthy human beings. And when we’re ensnared by one of these creatures, we’re under a sticky hypnotic kinda spell holding us in like quicksand. Hanging in is normal.

In the chaos of life with a sociopath, we bond with them because we feel we love them and are in a relationship with them. This is natural.

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Understand Trauma Bonding for Deeper Healing

The bottom of our world drops. The love of your life is a beast from hell. Your stomach lurches, your heart pounds, you choke on your own breath. Adrenaline floods your brain.

The discovery that we were a criminal fraudster’s mark knocks our world out of place, the floor under our feet drops away. The dawning revelation that there is no love and that in fact, we’re in danger with this person and because of this person is like an awakening from a nightmare to find it’s alive and real.

It brings vertigo and laser clarity in equal measure. In one moment we go from the struggle of trying to align an out-of-sync relationship to the blinding truth that there wasn’t one. Nothing is what we thought it was.

The Spell Breaks

In this one crazy single moment for me, I also realized I’d been living at least two worlds all along and that moment the spell broke those two worlds each became more sharply delineated, and yet full still of mud at the same time. The best part was, I’d snapped the ropes that bound me to him. There was much more unwinding to do, but nothing would take away this new insight into this mess.

There’s nothing wrong with us. We are not broken…and believe me, I know you might feel broken. I did. What we are is richly, fully, amazingly human. This is our saving grace. how you’re feeling is not the new you. It isn’t permanent.

When We See Behind the Mask to the Monster

Yes, before the mask completely falls we know things aren’t great – but not in our wildest imagination can we or anyone else yet comprehend the reality we face a seeming meastro of deceit and destruction wearing the skin and clothing of a person we thought was the love of our life.

Courage and connection is found in the alchemy of this life and death traumatic stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. – A stronger, bigger better heart.

Terror floods our veins. Danger stands before us wearing the same shoes that troubled-love stood there wearing only a split second ago. Our heart races. Our mind spins.

We fall into a chasm of terror or lift ourselves to a new life. The stress of seeing the sociopath behind the mask, the narcissist without his fake persona is profound stress.

Trauma Stress and Regular Old Stress Makin’ Folks Sick

We’ve all heard – and have experienced – that stress makes us sick, as in ill from annoying colds to heart attacks. Stress has been something to avoid.

During even one year of lots of stress, a leading health psychologist, Dr. Kelly McGonigal tells us, studies show that stress gives a 43% increased risk of edging us toward our demise – but – that’s old news! Now they know – drum roll: This is the result only if we believe stress is harmful. – Remember, they used to believe the earth was flat?

What if we can make stress help us? There’s a new take on stress. Stress is now known as the “biology of courage.” Trauma bonding and the trauma of life or living with a sociopath is our path to amazingness. It’s one of the cool things about being human.

The rush of blood and adrenaline, the rapid heart rate – the other chemicals made by our bodies under stress – will, rather than defeat us, save our lives.

Stress and Trauma Cause Us to Bond

Stress gives us access to our hearts. The stress of trauma gives us the instinct to reach out to others who love us and — to support those in stress. This connecting factor saves us and brings health and longevity.

Stress – even stress from a monster attack – is our friend. It isn’t the enemy as we’ve been taught; stress isn’t the road to the common cold, but the pathway to more compassion for ourselves and anyone in need of support.

Our pounding heart is preparing us for action, pumping energy into our bloodstream. The increased breathing is getting oxygen to our brains for precise body function.

There’s a Podcast!

Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

Restore Our Lives

When we think of the stress response as on our side rather than something that makes us sick we relax into it and biochemically within our body, the reaction is “like that in moments of joy and courage”.

Courage and connection are found in the alchemy of this life and post-traumatic stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. – A stronger, bigger better heart.

There is a simple hypothesis about what steers the human brain to trust another human: a hormone called oxytocin….our behavior is also influenced by a large number of very complex, yet identifiable, biological processes. Future research should help us understand how cognitive and biological processes interact in shaping our decisions about whom to trust.
~ Brain Trust, by Michael Kosfeld

Stress Leads Us to Others: It’s a Good Thing

Stress makes us social – the chemical reaction in the body from stress makes us reach out to those we love and simultaneously causes us to fight for those we love. That famous hormone: Oxytocin is a neuro-hormone created in the pituitary gland shooting magic sauce through the body when under stress that has a special, purposeful function.

As Dr. McGonigal says, it “fine-tunes our social instincts.” This chemical rush primes us to do things that strengthen close relationships. Stress makes us more willing to help and support people we care about.

Pathological Users Hijack Every Natural Part of Normal Humans

There’s a built-in mechanism within our bodies; a natural response to handling stress that leads us to make a deeper connection. Yes, a deeper bond with the person we’re going through the trauma with. When we’re in this mess entangled by a sociopath and the anxiety and chaos mount, we bond with them. That’s normal.

The thing is, we don’t yet know they’re abnormal. This bonding is called trauma bonding, and then, in this case, our normal human bonding mechanism is seen by “experts” as a weakness or a fault. – Our normal bonding in chaos and trauma is yet another human function the sociopath turns to their advantage.

Initially, the chaos the sociopath whips up in our relationship bonds us to them because of the flood of oxytocin we didn’t even know our body was shooting out.

Trauma Sustained Over Time

The more havoc and imbalance the sociopath makes, the more our body’s involuntary protective stress reaction makes us reach out to them because at least at that moment, we still love them.

Because that’s how humans function biologically, and so we believe them. And so we fight for them, and for us as a couple. – Until we don’t. Until they do something so horrific our body recognizes them for what they are: the enemy from hades. Then things really heat up.

When we see through the sociopath use that fight-or-flight rush of oxytocin for us. Run to the real true love of family and long-time friends. Embrace our own lives. Stress can create resilience and joy.

Trust yourself; we can handle the challenge of the stress in the aftermath of a sociopath – the ability to do this is built into our body – and even our body knows we don’t have to face it alone. Connect with others who don’t judge, and can listen in the aftermath of a sociopath to anchor ourselves to human goodness.

Dr. Kelly McGonigal on Stress as Fuel for Renewal

There’s more.
Introducing, Dr. Kelly McGonigal, TED Talk.
Listen to the doctor, she explains it much better than I do.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Your unique guided recovery coaching

Time to Thrive!

There’s a podcast too!

Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

SD Voyager interview

True Love Scam Recovery on Medium

True Love Scam Recovery on Facebook

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so you don’t miss a newsletter!
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Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

© 2014 – 2024 All Rights Reserved True Love Scam Recovery www.truelovescam.com

2016_01_02 2022_11_12

13 Red Flags: In Love with a User

6 Replies

13 Warning signs we’re falling for
Mr. or Ms. Completely Wrong.
Key feelings that signal it’s time to step back.
No matter how perfect it feels.

Articles, blogs, books, and experts talk about red flags for recognizing a con man, a sociopath, a narcopath, a narcissist. The thing is, that’s really hard to do because it’s normal to trust – and not at all normal to assume someone is lying – let alone to recognize a lie for the lie that it is.

Make a realignment in our thoughts to be sure we don’t put any blame or shame on ourselves for being human in the face of their utter inhumanity.

In our world, we wonder, “Why would someone lie?“, even we see that they are. Knowing the characteristics of a sociopath is need-to-know useful for breaking away from one of these creatures and shutting down their empty hot-air promises.

The truth is, these are criminals we’ve encountered. What we’ve encountered isn’t true love, but someone misrepresenting themselves; that is called fraud.

These entanglements are nothing but a scam, and larceny, intentional deception, abuse. They make for jaw-dropping stories; better than any movie we’ve ever seen; unfortunately it’s our actual real-life.

The Narcissistic Sociopath Next Door, Down the Street, at Work, in Our Bed.

So, how do we protect ourselves from all the sociopaths out there roaming around in our neighborhoods, or at work, or online… If we don’t really understand the signs and symptoms of meeting one of these creatures, we’d need to be on red alert constantly.

In order to avoid the estimated 12 million sociopaths in the USA, we’d never sleep. It would take extreme scrutiny; it’d be so exhausting maybe we’d maybe never want to venture outside again!

We Can Sidestep the User From The Moment We Spot Them

There aren’t two genuine people in this new exciting love thing; there’s beautiful us… and pathologically narcissistic them.

We’d be armed only with examining every barista for that intense stare; listening at any first date for them to break into an elaborate history of their stellar humanitarian, top-government-secret success.

Looking At People Around Us with Suspicion is No Way to Live

If the only way to detect a pathological user was by their behavior, we’d keep a constant watch for every co-worker’s relentless flirty flattery. We’d be on the lookout for every tale of woe about others who’ve done them wrong.

Throughout a day we’d be on pins and needles waiting for the danger signs, such as that declaration of deep affection within one hour of meeting.

And again 30 minutes later. Then flowers at our doorstep. And another text 20 minutes later… It would go on and on as we rationalized the kind gesture or debated in our heads, are they a love bombing, life invading sociopath…?

How Can We See Beyond and See the Real Clues

It’s one thing to be on guard checking someone else’s behavior, but couldn’t it be simpler than that? Yes indeedy, it can be easier, and far more reliable? How? How can we more certainly avoid getting into that love bombing stage – and get out before we get got?

Look into recovery sessions

How to Detect a Con Man

There aren’t two genuine people in this new exciting love thing; there’s beautiful us… And them. How ’bout the next time our cheeks flush and our hearts go pitter-patter at the glance of a man – we pause for a moment.

We’d go nuts sorting through the nuts if we couldn’t nail down the real clues to seeing through them. There’s a more direct route to detecting a pathological user in our midst, one closer to home. It’s us!

There’s one person to monitor for signs of falling in love with a sociopath; only one person to turn a honed hypervigilant eye toward.

Narrow Down the Odds of Being Hooked by a Narcissistic Sociopath

Here’s more good news: it comes down to this… not every Tom, Dick, and Harry sociopath can worm their way into our lives. Pretty nifty. Why is this…? Because to be entangled in a true love scam, we have to feel attraction for them. We have to be interested in them. Otherwise, we won’t notice them.

Look into recovery sessions

We Think They’re Normal

We’re not going to fall in love with a sociopath who isn’t a guy we think is a regular guy we’d fall in love with. Make sense? – So, considering how rare it is to meet someone we’re interested in (at least for me) perhaps there aren’t so many sociopaths to skip falling in love with!

Overall, how many men (or women) do we meet per year that we’d like to date? How many per month? Per week? – Maybe not so many. So, when we meet up with a man that makes our hearts flutter, sending dancing butterflies flitting ’round our heads: we stop.

We’ve Got the Clues

Right there we pull the reigns. This is when we examine that one person that can give us all the clues. All the red flags to alert us to danger if this person is one of these bad apples are right there within ourselves.

We can step over the trap of falling in love with a sociopath monster by learning a different set of red flags…

The first signs of being targeted by a pathological user are seen within ourselves and at the time of the very first abduction attempt. We want to extract our gorgeous selves before we’re good-and-truly hooked.

13 Red Flags Shouting: Warning! Falling in Love with a Sociopath

If we’re about to fall in love with Mr. Completely Wrong red flags will wave. If we’ve been in love with a sociopath before, these signs will be familiar.

We are attracted and drawn to this person more powerfully than ever before to anyone. Or: we kinda aren’t interested, but we give them a try anyway for a nebulous reason we can’t even quite define.
We can’t believe how amazing he is! We can’t believe this Prince Charming likes us!
We live for and love every text, email, or phone call he makes to us; If he doesn’t call or text we crash, and plummet in an extraordinary way.
We feel like we might die without him. Really, we think we just might be nothing without him (or her).
He hints we are meant to be, soul mates, and the thrill is out of this world!
He talks about an old girlfriend who was amazing; we feel bound to be better. A female sociopath will flatter her male prey saying that he’s “out of her league”, every normal man is inspired and driven to convince her she isn’t.
We describe him as the kindest, sweetest, most perfect man in the Universe.
We’re a perfect match we’re so alike. We click. We fit. In ways we never imagined.
We think: Wow! It’s true: Kiss enough frogs and not just a prince, but a King has appeared!
He makes every other man we’ve dated seem like a Cracker Jack prize we settled for.
We feel over the moon. We feel we won the lottery. Only better.
We quite adamantly think anyone – a friend or whoever – who says this guy isn’t the greatest thing ever is wrong
Underneath it all, we feel unhinged.

Think about recovery coaching…

Prey Are Ensnared by Our Normal Human Emotions

And now we’re in love with a sociopath. He waits with his claws pulled in and his fangs out of sight while we prepare to serve the ever-hungry sociopath our beautiful selves on a silver platter.

This is all the effect of the hypnosis and snake-charming power of a sociopath; this isn’t actually love. After winning our trust, they’re ready to slurp us up and take us on a ride in hell along the five stages of true love scam. Genuine love or concern for us or caring will never be part of the deal. This isn’t love; this is an attack.

What is real love? It takes two to be in love. It takes two to build a relationship. It takes time to build a relationship. – As in months and years. Not days and weeks. Real love with a real person is complex enough; a sociopath is stealing our life. There is no love.

Love is a complex matter that is
a reflection of each person’s attitude
and philosophy toward life.
~ Daisaku Ikeda

We’re Brainwashed, Hypnotized, Injected with Venom

A relationship with a sociopath is made up of a monster-demon, life-sucking parasite, and a person (us) spellbound by the learned tricks of the con man or con woman sociopath. It’s a true love scam. We’re in love with someone who doesn’t really exist at all. Even for themselves, they are nothing unless we believe their lies.

There aren’t two genuine people in this new exciting love thing; there’s beautiful us… and pathologically narcissistic them.

How ’bout the next time our cheeks flush and our hearts go pitter-patter at the glance of a man – we pause for a moment. Whether this is a first, or we’ve been in love with a sociopath before: stop. Slow it down. Watch. Listen. To ourselves.

Take Dinner Off the Table

Return that silver platter carrying that super awesome, valuable hot dish of ourselves back to the kitchen. – And take the time for a brush-up lesson, a check-in on real love before we take one more phone call or return one more text.

Make a realignment in our thoughts to be sure we don’t put any blame or shame on ourselves for being human in the face of their utter inhumanity.