These creatures infamously talk up a storm.
It’s a trademark of a narcissist or sociopath.
Contact is their full-time work to ensnare,
entrap, and keep prey locked in place.
Gaslighting. That confusing babble that oozes from their gobs nonstop. This tirade of conflicting and hurtful and ridiculous nonsense, unfortunately, spins us up off our feet and into a frenzy of trying to “talk about it”. We want to talk it out and resolve their concerns. So kind of us; so normal.
Continue readingIt’s normal to trust, believe and care.
It’s 100% abnormal not to.
We can’t understand abnormal by looking at it from normal.
So, let’s look at it for their side without our rose-colored glasses.
Narcissistic people who are in the zone of pathological narcissism know that they don’t have relationships. Even though they step up to us with this mesmerizing zinger, I’ve never met anyone like you before. They know they’re not stepping into a real relationship. We think they are; that we are.
The thing is, they aren’t saying what we think they’re saying. We naturally hear one thing, but they mean another. They don’t want a relationship, not even when they say, you’re my soulmate. Want to know why this is…?
Continue readingCan we smell a narcissist?
Does the sociopath have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder, since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort. (Or the “narcissist’s” if you’re on that terminology even with all it’s pitfalls and misconceptions.)
They’re fundamentally and pathologically identical monster to monster.
Continue readingCan you smell a sociopath?
Does a narcissist have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort.
They’re fundamentally and almost thoroughly identical pathological beast to pathological monster. For example, we know in their heads lies are real and real is made up.
Continue readingWe lose things, money, cars, kids,
friends, time, innocence.
We lose our sense of place in the world.
Nothing is where we left it.
Nothing is what we thought it was.
Or is it maybe better…?
Loss is a normal part of the experience of living a life we think is real, then seeing enough to know it’s not what we thought it was. We feel loss discovering that it’s not as we’ve been perceiving and living it and that instead, it’s deception an illusion filled; that it’s something dark, and mean, and from a world we know nothing about is hard, hard, hard.
It takes our breath away. Stops our hearts and brings up last night’s dinner. Suddenly there’s a lump in our throats. Pooling tears blur our vision and separate us from wherever we’re standing. There’s nothing but numbness and pain as we fall from the waist and our bodies tilt to the floor.
Dispair rolls over us all day, for days and days as each new lying bit of our lives flutters through our minds. When will it end? When will we feel normal?
When will we be okay again? A scream of horror as the reality of the surreal madness we’ve been living could rise to awareness can rail it’s way from solar plexus to our neighbor’s living rooms and down the street to the donut shop if our lungs hadn’t collapsed at the smack of the punch to our being.
How would it feel to resolve the losses?
We have more than a piece of soap to manage. But we do have the resolution in our own hands. And we aren’t alone. There are many of us here. People around us won’t understand. But then, they aren’t in our shoes.
The loss comes in two waves. Discovering the person we thought loved us and that we love is a liar. We see betrayal, cheating, abuse, stealing, using.
If we stay right here we’ll be hurt pretty much forever and stay very, very confused, sad, angry and vulnerable to the next sociopath.
The other wave of loss is seeing that something we thought was real isn’t. Wasn’t. Ever. This is where we need to be to really recover. This isn’t break up. It’s recovery from the trauma of a crime of deception, defrauding, and worse.
How do we get from betrayal by someone we loved, who we thought loved us to recovering from an impersonal crime? Carefully. Deliberately. And with time. And patience for ourselves, and huge love for ourselves.
And learning how to look at it from their twisted minds in a very specific way. They made this, we didn’t. Seeing it from their eyes knocks the love right out of our hearts and shifts us to recover from the crimes. This also takes us off their radar. This is the magic.
Unwind the loss, the pain, and the questions.
This sickening reality that there are people who walk among us who only use and ruin other people isn’t what we want to hear or know. It isn’t cold to say, find a way to accept it. The thing is, since their existence is a reality, we’re able to live more freely than ever when we understand it.
There’s discoveries and vantage points which can bring a way to resolve the loss that sits inside our bodies. You can find the way back to yourselves. Make this your daily determination and allow it to take the time it takes while actively seeking the real answers.
As gorgeous humans we’re resilient, we’re flexible, we have emotional intelligence. There are unfathomable springs of courage, and pools, even oceans of untapped wisdom. Seek the ways to take back your life. Settle for no answer that houses pain or loss.
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2017_08_06 2023_07_21
The hoovering narcissistic user
is calling, texting, dropping by.
But, what if they aren’t hoovering?
What if we kind of wish they were?
Hoovering is a con man classic. They all do it, always… Except when they don’t. Whether they do or don’t hoover, neither is random. It seems like it, but it isn’t. There’s nothing a sociopath does that is random.
For all the crazy they drag us through, it all has very specific reasons, that bizarrely, have nothing to do with us. We are in fact, in control.
Antisocial psychopaths – a sociopath or what is truly a psychopath, which is what that person you’re calling a “narcissist” is… usually buzzes around in the aftermath. They’re monitoring, probing, begging, sending messages of all sorts in all kinds of ways.
They’ll beseech, flatter, moan, coax, insult, blame, shame all in one message, flip-flopping like some hyper Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. They email, they drive by, they leave flowers at your door, they call from blocked numbers, and have “friends” call you on their behalf.
Hoovering sociopaths are in the very moment of hoovering… showing us their genuine absolute nut-so selves.
Hoovering isn’t done out of love, that isn’t a possibility. Sociopaths cannot love. Like reptiles, sociopaths don’t even love their own children.
In no way is this kind of persistent hoovering behavior an expression of “love” from anyone, ever.
And, FYI, in case you still aren’t sure if this person is a sociopath… normal people don’t do this. Normal people don’t send 2:00 am text messages unless the house is on fire. Sociopaths do, and in particular, when they’re in danger of losing their prey. Losing prey is their world on fire.
If we aren’t being hoovered there’s a reason. Everything a sociopath does gives away their current circumstances, their fears, and their current needs. We can use that to free ourselves.
There are a few reasons the pathological user doesn’t Hoover. Or a combination of a few reasons. Nothing they do is random.
Every action a sociopath makes fits their limited mental capacity and true intention. Get on the right track to decoding these beasts. Let’s break it down.
Like everything else about a sociopath – narcissist, narc, narcopath – whatever you’re calling the pathological user: they have very specific and limited brain functionality. The tiny lump of gray-matter pulsating in their skulls leaves them in a constant state of “want”. Wanting to take what they want, and wanting to keep it, and really, really, really wanting to never be exposed.
And that’s it. There is no more. Exploitation is the sociopath’s life-long work. If you’re ever thinking, “He’s doing this just to make me __ fill in the blank __ “, you’re on the wrong track.
The sociopathic brain can only process the world and life around them in very specific and strictly limited ways. They can’t do anything but be what they are. From our perspective, our language for their behavior is that they’re liars, cheaters, thieves, blackmailers, rapists, pedophiles, and criminals. They, from their actual and sincere sense of self, call themselves, amazing.
It’s often said sociopaths are geniuses. To me this is ludicrous… After all, is having no limits in the harm and destruction you carry out on others equal to genius? They think of doing horrible things that aren’t in our scope of possibility. — This does not equal smart. Sociopaths are not smart. They do learn tricks.
And since we see through a lens of good, and have only our experience of human possibility up until this point that we encounter them, we can’t imagine the things they do, and then out of our great good and generosity label their debauchery and evil as “genius”. Oh, no. They are not genius, they aren’t quite sure if what they hope to do will work at each stupid and changeable thing they say. Hence the flip from compliment to scolding and insults, from promises to rage.
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Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
The end is when the narcissistic sociopath’s deepest fear kicks in, especially if we kicked them out. Animalistic fear. They become desperate like a cornered demon beast. There’s only this on the sociopath’s mind: Get more and go free. Especially: Go free.
The end of the scam hits the sociopath hard. The pathological predatory user is enraged at their loss. And scared to death they’ll be exposed on a grand scale; or any scale. If we kick them out they’re really, really mad.
When they take off first, they’re not mad, but defending their safety 100% they do everything to not be exposed and to get more if they can even after they’ve “left us”. Their only regret is in not taking more, and they’ll always go for seconds and thirds and…
We end it they don’t. This is what zero contact is all about. Otherwise, any contact and a little bit of our emotional reaction are all it takes for them to stick around!
No one is genuinely valued by a sociopath; they have their own valuation scale. It’s based on the results keeping us hooked brings to their pocketbook, their social standing, a place to sleep, and basics like that. If we aren’t an open window to things they want they “value” us at about 600 minus subzero.
That sounds harsh, right? We’re truly fortunate if we rate subzero. It means they didn’t get what they wanted to enhance their life, their image, or whatever else they covet. The loser-leech couldn’t take the goods. Or we wouldn’t do what they wanted such as sponsor them for a green card, or give them money, buy them a car, or feed them. So our value to them is quite low.
The last place a sociopath wants to be is in prison, yet so many are – and all of them have done things that merit jailing. Without a conscience, narcissistic sociopaths will do anything, including forge signatures, steal, use violence, commit fraud and bigamy, threaten, stalk, carry weapons, use illegal drugs, rape… sociopaths will and do break any law. Laws mean nothing to them.
And here’s the thing: These super-creeps have done things we know nothing about to people we’ve never heard of – but they know what they’ve done. If they get busted and investigated for one initial thing, the unraveling begins. Pull one thread and their world disintegrates.
The threat of this can send them running quietly, so we miss out on the Hoovering. When they know, we know a particular dastardly thing they’ve done, or when they’ve done it to us they really get scared because of what we know.
They aren’t sure what we’ll do about it. They do hideous things like file (false) protection orders against us. Ultimately, they go away because they can’t risk getting in more hot water.
Priorities shift quickly for the improvisational sociopath-snake. Since normal people are the way a sociopath survives, they need a steady stream of bountiful pastures; normal people who trust and believe them and don’t suspect a thing – yet.
And they’re lazy. They want everything to be easy. If we’re a bit too much work or unyielding, they smell out a more pliable target right next door. They’re distracted by the nearest shiny object (aka a person.)
If they’re not getting what they want, and think we won’t blab our suspicions they just might slither away without a peep.
Sociopaths are notoriously bored and boring and they do move on simply for that reason. Or they didn’t like our shag carpeting. It could be the way we fry their chicken. Maybe they don’t like the perfume we wear. Or maybe we buy wine they don’t like. It’s all about them. If something isn’t to their taste, they hit the road.
Give it a year, or two sometimes ten or even twenty years later a sociopath reaches out their slimy claws to try again. – Yep. Old college or high school or childhood sweethearts show up for round two. Or that creature who FB messages a year later as if nothing ever went bad: Hey! Let’s go out. I miss you. They’re lying. Do not doubt ourselves, second guessing ourselves is natural when the sociopath lies.
Sociopaths always want more. Their abnormal brains feel no remorse, love, guilt, sympathy, compassion, or positive concern. These users do feel regret: regret at not taking more. At not lying better. Regret not using us more deeply. And not being able to take more makes them mad – at us – because true to form everything is someone else’s fault.
So, hoovering, not hoovering it all comes from the same motivation: sucking in and tying up normal humans’ emotions, either in love, or fear to be sure the sociopath can take and get away with it.
Sociopaths drop hoovering a specific target for three reasons: 1) Out of boredom, 2) Once our value to them hits subzero, 3) they are too busy with a full load of prey and new targets, 4) Out of fear of being exposed, captured and locked up when they know we have direct proof of their crimes, 5) They’re saving us for a major boomerang in a few years time.
Never let a departing sociopath know that we intend to report a marriage scam to immigration, turn in a police report, or go to other authorities. Never make online or public disparaging or revealing remarks – even when they’re true.
Ratting them out publicly as we’re escaping serves no purpose other than to incite their rage and put ourselves in danger – and makes us look questionable – even to normal people. This can also hurt our divorce or annulment outcome or a domestic violence case. Just zip it and handle our lives. Do what it takes to be safe and give evidence where it’s appropriate.
Go no contact 100%. Really accept there are two kinds of humans on the planet. Good ones and bad ones. Know how to recognize each. Stay human, remain humane.
Please feel free to reach out,
ask a question or comment in the form below.
I always respond.
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2017_07_06 2025_08_10
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses.
It’s not a match made in heaven.
It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration.
What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperate that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves, because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, and what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post-trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
.
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2017_03_19 2022_11_14
Female sociopaths exist. Big time.
In their empty souls
they’re the same as any sociopath.
They do use feminine charm to take and to ruin.
Female sociopaths aka narcissists and male sociopaths possess the same malfunctioning brain that leaves their hearts barren. They have no love, no genuine care or concern for anyone besides themselves.
It’s a reality, no matter what century we’re in, no matter the culture, though in some cultures far more than others that we expect women to be loving and nurturing mothers and loyal and monogamous and assume they are.
The unexpectedness of encountering a woman who is the antithesis of all this to the point of bare evil is traumatic. It sends us spinning into a prolonged state of disbelief.
To be fair, encountering any sociopath is traumatic: even when we don’t know that they’re a sociopath. There is undeniably an extra jolt when we do realize the person in front of us is a sociopath and female. This natural and normal disbelief on our part, buys them further time to wreak havoc in the lives of their prey.
That expectation of women beign sweet and lovig and sugar and spice is used as a tool by female sociopaths. Let me give a shout out to what’s real: most women are nurturing and loving. And – news flash – so are most men.
The gorgeous humans, who fall into the traps of a sociopath aka who fall into the traps of a narcissist, are some of the most amazing humans on the planet.
The men who fall into this hell are incredible – as are the women… this though, is a case for so many of us who feel “there are no good men out there“. I’m here to tell you that there are.
There are indeed good men. The one’s who I work with in recovery sessions blow me away with their kindness, their pride in monogamy, their respect for women, and their huge hearts. Good men exist – and the female sociopaths who prey upon them count upon this goodness to twist them around. – This is how every sociopath works. Our normal, our innate goodness and human qualites are snatched up and used to swing us like a cat by its tail.
Restore your life.
There’s nothing about you that made this happen.
Female sociopaths aka female narcissists exist. They’re identical to male sociopaths in their empty souls and evil guts. For them, using feminine charm and lurid sexuality to take and to ruin is fair play. Depending upon our assumptions about what it means to be female, we’re possibly in for a harder and darker ride.
Sociopaths aka narcissists exist in every gender, in every social or economic class. You can find them in any religion, at a University, in any bar, in the laundromat, and at a wine tasting.
Fraudsters comprise about 95% of the profiles on dating apps which are absolutely packed with them. They can be – and are – anywhere and in every walk of life. Some of them even pose as people trying to help the prey of sociopaths to heal and recover. – They’re liars.
Being female gives the female sociopath aka the female narcissist an extra special bit of opportunity to make use of others.
Female sociopaths marry in order to gain financially or socially, to obtain possessions or respectability – only. There’s no love involved. They sign up with the intention of being supported by their spouse while they do whatever they like including still preying upon other men (or women).
As the predators they are, the female sociopath will push so hard for marriage they’ve been known to buy their own engagement rings. Divorce is usually the ultimate goal; ideally, this brings high alimony, a big settlement, or property.
Being 100% supported financially by their male prey is a go-to for female sociopaths; they do hit the jack-pot fairly readily with this one sliding right into this traditional relationship dynamic.
All the while they’re sleeping with a whole team, a fleet, a crew, a slew of other men, women or both just as male sociopaths do. Please, see a doctor and have STD tests done. Female sociopaths are just as evil as male sociopaths. There’s no sugar and spice to be found inside the outwardly female pathological user.
Heal PTSD from narcissistic abuse.
Breakthroughs and understanding.
Unexpected or not, pregnancy can bring the sweet scent of “normal” and more importantly big bucks for years and years to a female sociopath. And guess what, it doesn’t matter if she has this innocent child with a male or female target.
Women of antisocial personality disorder, ASPD – also many times called narcissists and thoght to be NPD, have fewer children than male sociopaths. The male sociopath aka narcissist populates the earth indiscriminately with many children that they leave by the wayside. Female sociopaths want to bear children in limited quantities for some pretty basic reasons:
Aside from possessing a child creating the necessary public persona of “normal”, female sociopaths have children for these other reasons: money, money, and money. Once a child is on the scene they can legitimately demand support and whether married or not, they take men to court to get it. In marriage and in divorce this plot includes taking your property.
Unwanted and surprise pregnancies or coerced “plans” for children all have the same motivation and result. Poking holes into condoms and lies about birth control or infertility are basic for a sociopath. If you have children with a female sociopath, consider DNA testing the babies. The results might not change your feelings for the children, but they can absolutely change court orders.
Children can bring big-bank to the female sociopath, and while you may be willing to voluntarily support financially in some way, the court-ordered maintenance is extortion when the pregnancy is a surprise, or attributed to the wrong man.
Female sociopaths commonly create a wife-beater scenario. It dovetails with the sociopath’s need to seem like the victim, and further this is a style of self-defense as is any kind of smear campaign.
In this kind of attack the sociopath – male or female or any gender – is attempting to make their case for this so that their story is the one that is believed and the focus is shifted to their prey – that is to you – as the wrongdoer.
They do this in two ways. She will become violent to incite a response of violence. By hitting first, the hope is that the man – or woman – will hit them back. If this doesn’t work, they have other options.
Female sociopaths aka narcissists are known to inflict self-injury and claim that you did it to them…they could throw themselves into the edge of the coffee table. Bang their heads on the shower wall. Smash their own arms with a hammer… Blacken and bruise their own body and legs.
They might call the cops at the moment of beating themselves up or instead they take pictures of the blood and bruises, then later file police reports of abuse based on this craziness. – Each of these examples is a situation I’ve seen.
It is not at all beyond the female sociopath aka narcissist to claim rape. This makes staying away from them crucial. Keeping them away from your home, and not going to theirs is critical. If this is a co-worker, never be alone with them in an office or other room at your place of work. If this is unavoidable, leave the doors open.
Not meeting anywhere at all becomes serious for you as prey when the sociopath is ramping up into trying to subdue you. this occurs as they begin to see you as a threat to their own facade and freedom. If they sense you will possibly reveal them publically or to authorities as the wrongdoer expect some kind of deep smear. This is how they protect themselves, by weaving this kind of false and fraudulent set-up, putting you in the guilty seat.
There are, unfortunately, restraining orders, and wins in domestic violence, or rape charge legal battles based on false allegations staged by female sociopaths. – Take the prospect of court or legal charges seriously. Find out how to position yourself to win against false claims.
Save every email, every text, and SMS. These can become proof of their lies. Do not respond to them. Go no contact and keep no contact as the only real protection against this. No contact is life-saving.
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2016_11_06 2026_04_02
Hidden traits, under the mask,
behind the charm lurks the real-deal Monster.
The sociopath-demon comes into view.
Then he slips to hide
behind a curtain of pretty
only to flash a thigh of evil.
Hidden traits cover what at first blush in a true love scamming sociopath appears charming. They seem kind. Gentle. Genuine. Unique. Incredible. And so sincere our hearts hurt.
The predator can come across so devastatingly moving we’re humbled in openings into views and moments in life we’ve never seen before; under their uncanny power of influence, we reach what seem to be realizations about ourselves, about them – about how to be human – that endear us more deeply to them.
Continue readingWe’re not in denial.
As my dad would say, that’s a river in Egypt.
But seriously.
No one deliberately stays here.
We don’t remain in the clutches
of a slimy sociopath on purpose.
Our goodness caught their attention,
our goodness sets us free.
Denial is a word that’s tossed around to represent a state of mind we’re supposedly in. And that explains how this nightmare went on for so long, or started in the first place. There are those who would say we were in denial and so the surreal, horror show continued to run through our lives as if we allowed it. These people who say this could not be more wrong.
We’re not in denial. No. In short, what happened is: we were deceived and bamboozled. This means we did not have full information.
There isn’t an even playing field. Firstly, none of us had full information that these creatures even existed. Secondly, we were lied too. Thirdly, normal people aren’t looking for a lie. We automatically trust; that’s one of the beautiful things about us all. And fourth, and most significant of all, we’re under the spell of the pathological predator.
We were scammed pure and simple by a serial liar, user, taker, abuser life thief. The chasm between our intention and the pathological narcissistic user’s true intention only becomes clear over time.
It’s revealed by bits-and-pieces. We didn’t deny anything… except them and what they wanted, once we did see through it and take in the full horror of their true black heart.
Knowing the real deal truth is how we recover.
When we’re ensnared by a sociopath, there‘s a clashing of two worlds a great collide of two different brains, the mind of a sociopath (you might be calling them a narcissist) and the mind of a regular, normal, iambic brained person: you or me.
The pathological predator and users do their best to let us believe rather than a clash, that together we’re the best match on the planet. The best fit that any two people could ever be.
This is how they survive. The ability to bring this influence upon others is wired into their DNA. I call it the sociopath effect.
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We see this match made in heaven situation isn’t quite the case, as soon as is humanly possible. In no way do we leap to the conclusion that this person is a psychopath the first time they don’t call us back or are unreachable.
Not only can people not see something they don’t know is in existence such as users who are pure evil, these exist in the movies, not real life.
Our human body and physiology are amazing. It’s designed to keep us safe. In trauma, our bodies and minds protect us, and so let the truth be seen in bite-sized pieces so that we don’t lose our sanity.
After true love scam our eyes are wider open than most. And we know more than most; certainly more than people who tell us we allowed it and we’re in denial. Let your body do its thing.
The very, very courageous take on recovering, healing, seeing what the real-deal is in pieces. Take it in in bits that you can take… It takes as long as it takes. Tell those blamers and shame-ers to step off.
We’re not permanent victims scarred for life. We’re not to blame for being snagged and conned by a lying sociopath who gives us every excuse in the book for why they do this. These are not the only two options. — Though – sometimes — it seems to be as we try to find our way out of the maze.
There are piles of mainstream answers to this hideous crime. Including that we, as targets invited it through our past abuse issues or our relationship issues and that we stayed because we were in denial.
How about we look at it from another direction? From our eyes. Let’s stop letting people outside the experience define what happened. Let’s look at it from the eyes of the prey of a sociopath.
This perspective takes a whole different set of words to define it. – Not for the sake of frivolous semantics, but because of a very real variance in meaning.
You see, definitely more fanciful descriptors – these come from the influence of watching many Johnathan Strange and Dr. Norell episodes on late-night Netflix binges that stopped my anxious brain from thinking in the early days of recovery and rocked me to sleep, and still reflect the real-deal of being in one of these hellish circuses of a true love scam… the day-time-wide-awake, hall-of-mirrors-nightmare of living hijacked by a sociopath.
Unless someone’s been dragged by their heart and soul through this, they have no idea. None. None of us “in it” are in denial, or willfully resisting seeing what they are.
To think that anyone could imagine or imply that we’re willfully and knowingly, in the mess we’re in and choosing to ignore it means they have no clue. We’re each in something we can’t possibly recognize: who knew what a sociopath was before all this?
For anyone who’s not been hijacked by a sociopath, these descriptors might sound absurd. It may be what inspires, ohhhh… hmmm, yes. She’s in denial. – And other wholly off the mark, and utterly compassionless, and just plain rude remarks from onlookers and others, who we might think would know better.
To those under the spell, these are quite accurate descriptions that bring about our freedom. With this look at things, we feel less crazy. We might let out a sob of relief, Oh, my god! That’s it! That’s exactly what it is!! – And a little slip of hope eeks through the fog of the sociopath-madness we’re trapped in.
I realize what I’m about to say here isn’t popular to say… It’s a contemporary popular belief that humans make choices about well, everything. Here’s a hard fact: none of us are with a sociopath by direct or informed or conscious choice.
We do get away from them by choice. And this’s an important part of this circumstance. Somehow most of the world focuses on wondering how we stumbled into it, why we stayed, ie: How could we have been so stupid?
Let’s be real here, let’s not base our understanding of what we’re experiencing – the how’s and why’s of it, in the ideas and perceptions from something else: namely the ideas and perceptions of those who’ve not experienced it.
Mostly the whole mess is analyzed and judged and pronounced upon by those who have not been through it and interpret the phenomenon as if the sociopath – the perpetrator – has the determining view.
This is nothing more than a type of mansplaining, victim-blaming and just plain wrong. – And, come one now… Most of our judge-ie acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, friends or family didn’t know this existed until we walked into it. So, come on now… They aren’t suddenly experts.
The very same goodness of heart that makes us attractive to a sociopath is what we then flip – and bring to life exponentially – to get safely and completely away. There, there is the real thing.
It takes a colossal effort. Courage, wisdom, persistence, patience, bravery to break from a kind of bondage; from an entrapment so immense it can’t be understood unless it’s been experienced.
The break-away from a sociopath is intense and so life-shattering it can never be understood unless you too are an escapee. – And that my friends, does not signify a weak victim, a codependent-door-mat, a denial or any such nonsense.
It signifies some of the hugest power, determination, and strength on the planet. We are awesome. We’re superheroes. We’re our own angels.
Nope. We’re not in denial. If you don’t know this phenomenon exists, you can’t see it. And fortunatley when in it and after, our glorious bodies innately know a human can’t handle the monumental stress that comprehending this entails all one go. So – yes – clarity is meted out in doses only a beatific human of great empathy and love could handle.
Even tiny doses of what we went through would break anyone else. No, denial is nothing more than a river in Africa. A raging, pernicious river that every life stealing, narcissistic con man needs to be thrown into without a life jacket.
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