Healthy relationships are the thing that makes life joyful. A good life is all about healthy relationships.
A Healthy Relationship Moves at a Comfortable Pace
What is the purpose of being in a realtionship? I’d venture to say that relationships are meant to be enjoyable and to enhance our lives. Us normal human beings are wired ot be in relationships i=with family groups, friends, neighbors and then the heart of them all, romantic relationships. It’s normal to want to have a significant someone in our lives!
Believe women. How is disbelief of women still a thing in the 21st century? Why aren’t women talking about abuse believed?
Believe women. How is it this needs to be said? What is going on that in the 21st century women are still disbelieved when we speak out about a fake-lationship under narcissistic abuse and coercive control…?
Why are women disbelieved when we talk about narcissistic abuse, marital rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence? And what is the cost of this disbelief?
When we’re not believed at a crucial moment we realize we matter little. It’s shocking. Being disbelieved sets us up for further abuse, loss, betrayal, grief, and anger that runs deep.
We can start from right there, wherever we are, and use our feelings and circumstances as a springboard and a function to make change rather than in pain.
This is a tough one to take. But, these creatures love no one. Not me, you, her, him…and even their own babies. So, why do sociopaths have babies?
Why do sociopaths have babies? We watch them abandon kids, steal from their children, ignore them, abuse them… Why do they bother?
Or – if you’re calling these monsters a “narcissist” – why do “narcissists” have babies? Whatever you’re calling these demons they’re having babies they don’t love, don’t connect with, don’t want, and simply see as an object to make use of. Babies they ignore, treat badly, and use as a bargaining chip.
These monster beings have no empathy, no connection, and no guilt. All people outside of their own bodies are things to use to do whatever they want with. They feel they own everyone and everything around them. So, why do sociopaths have babies?
Words we hear are absorbed by our neurological system. In this way emotions, thoughts and beliefs are formed based on what we hear, even if it’s a lie.
Mean words are common when we’re involved with or entangled by people who use them. If we’ve been in the presence of a narcissist and also if we’ve been ensnared by a sociopath we’ve experienced a lurch in the pit of our stomachs.
We’ve experienced sadness, and drooping self esteem in their presence and still long after they’ve left the room because of their words hurtled at us us like darts. We feel feelings from what they’ve said. This is normal. – This is how normal healthy humans work.
Where Do Our feelings About Mean Words Come From…?
We can learn skills and perspectives to manage or fundamentally transform how we respond to what’s around us.
We, humans, are astonishingly amazing beings. As we’re swept through the riptide of narcissistic abuse and the machinations of a pathological predator we’re influenced by them. This is only natural. This is because whole-humans are influenced by each and everything within our awareness or within our environment.
This means that all things around us have an impact and an effect on us. – This is based on science. It’s how humans are designed, or built or created… It’s what we are. This is normal; it’s how our system – our biology, our neurological system works. There’s no getting around this.
Emotions Feed into Our Feelings, Which Then Make Our World
Okay, here’s how it goes… Our body takes in our surroundings, including the words we hear, and has an emotional response. In this way without us doing a thing, our body – our neurological system – recognizes an emotion which translates to a feeling. Our feelings are individual and nuanced. This feeling becomes a conscious thought based on these feelings that have been generated by our emotional response.
And then finally our body creates a conclusion or a belief about this whole experience. This can happen in a flash, mere milliseconds. It can be that the emotion and the feeling are fairly instantaneous and then the thought and that belief come days later. – And not at all consciously identifiable as being the product of the emotional response and then the feelings we form after receiving those mean words.
So… Humans experience a raw, or root emotion which morphs into a feeling. We might notice this emotion – we might not. We might not be particularly aware of the feeling it inspires.
The feeling though works on it’s own to turn itself into a thought inspired by that original root emotion mingled with our subconscious and things we already “know”.
That thought or those ideas born of the emotions and feelings become a belief. One day they become a proclamation, an announcement we form into words in our minds about ourselves or the world we live in.
Raw Emotions to Feelings to Thoughts to Beliefs
This emotional construct from raw emotions to feelings – to thoughts and ideas – then takes the shape of a belief or conclusion. As it becomes a conscious thought, possibly quite charged with emotion, it may no longer be attached with any awareness in our minds to the original emotional and then feelings experience we had. We also then make a belief that is unattached from the original emotional experience, our feelings or possibly from even those thoughts and ideas that are stirring this all. Make sense?
So where exactly does the belief we arrive at come from? The belief or conclusion does from our beautiful and automatic-mind. It shapes for us the ideas and then this newer belief — based on what we already believe.
The mind does the work without us, incorporating what we already think we know and what we’ve felt and what those feelings mean to us. The mean words then have been the cause-point of our concluding belief. A belief we then live our life from.
Ultimately, the things we believe play into how well we heal – or not. What we believe creates our experience of life. Our beliefs in every way, are the foundation for the limits we place on ourselves, or the dreams we decide we can achieve.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound Podcast
Mean Words or Kind Words
The same works with words of care, praise or kindness; these in turn inspire positive thoughts and strength or courage. All things filter through our emotional self. Knowing and understanding this is so, so, so, so important in recovering from a trauma.
When highly praised by others, there is no hardship one cannot bear… such is the courage that springs from words of praise. …When criticized one can recklessly cause one’s own ruin.
So, feeling bad and sad after an encounter with a non-pathologically narcissistic person or with a sociopath is normal. However, we can change this and learn how to manage a narcissistic person – and how to exit the scope of the sociopath, aka a “narcissist”, the pathological user and fully restore our lives.
We can learn skills and perspectives to manage or fundamentally transform how we respond to what’s around us, particularly to narcissistic people and even to sociopaths.
Words are all we have and there’s nothing more powerful wherever they’re spoken, from a classroom, to the work place, at a family dinner or in silent prayer.
This comes in part by understanding the things and the people and the words we hear them speak all around us. In addition, this comes within deeper knowledge about our bodies and mind and emotions, our thoughts and beliefs.
Comprehending that they’re all one and the same aspect of ourselves and interconnected. – And that we’re in charge of it all. Including this mysterious neurological system.
Break Down Our Neurological Function: How Words We Hear Create Our Beliefs
Let’s keep this science simple. We can feel this response to words happening in a few small examples. From there, we can carry this concept through to realize how it is that the smear campaign hurts like a nest of hornets attacking.
Example One: Imagine This:
You’re standing in your kitchen. A lemon on your kitchen counter catches your eye. The rounded curves, tapering at the ends to a green and brownish bit where the lemon grew from the lemon tree.
Is your mouth watering…? This is the neurological effect of words, mere words on our entire body system. Imagining this scenario with no lemon in view nevertheless has our body believing there is a lemon.
We experience this as if there were a lemon in our hand, and lemon aroma surrounding us. Our body believes. – We believe we’re experiencing a lemon.
We Believe On So Many Levels
What else happened in your body as you imagined this lemon…? Has your body relaxed…? Did you sigh…? Is your mouth puckering…?
Your body reacted and responded as if a real lemon were really there. From reading words about lemon… And you might have noticed though that whispered in your mind.
The thoughts were words that came to mind depending on how you’ve previously experienced lemons and the emotions they evoke.
How We feel Deeds Into Our Beliefs
All that from words you’re reading off a backlight screen about a lemon that isn’t anywhere in sight! The power of words as they resonate into our ear, sink in, filter through our nervous system is amazing…
And it is everything. All things around us, all we experience transmutes into an emotion, a thought, and then a belief. What are we feeling, thinking and believing…? Who decides what we feel and think and believe…?
Mean words hit us hard and ripple through us from head to toe. Hitting our neurological system, adrenaline flows, cortisol spikes, a biological shock wave happens.
Our emotions pitch in with a search for meaning in what was said. We come up with a meaning based on our emotions and our body and our previous life experiences.
Example Two: Imagine This:
You’ve been waiting to hear from your partner, boyfriend, spouse… You’re waiting to hear about what you’re doing Friday night.
There’s a birthday party you want to go to; it’s for your best friend and you want your partner to come with you. You’ve let them know about it and asked them to come with you.
There’s been no reply from them about the party and it’s been two days already. You send a follow-up text asking: You got my text? About Sandy’s birthday…? You’re coming with right..?! I’m super excited about it!!
Instantly after two days of no response, they zing a text back: Get off my back!! Stop asking for things!!! You’re ruining everything.
Mean Words Send Our Hearts Pounding
Did your stomach lurch? Is your heart pounding…? Has your heart rate gone up thudding in your chest, your palms sweating…?
Are anxiety and confusion colliding inside your body? Did your brain kind of shut down..? That’s a normal neurological, physiological, bodily, and emotional response to violent language.
We can land in a place where their weird, tangled words become ridiculous, meaningless and stay always perverse but shift to a perversion we know is coming for them, and so holds no sway over us – not even their lies.
As normal able-bodied whole-humans, we each have the same neurological system. Words we hear are absorbed by our neurological system. In this way emotions, thoughts and beliefs are formed based on what we hear, even if it’s a lie. Even if it’s out of context, confusing, cruel and strange.
The words hit us and instantly emotions spring up and thoughts and beliefs nearly all in one millisecond. What we feel, what we think and what we believe is rooted in who we are and our previous life experiences combined with our understanding of the person hurling language at us.
Words Are All We Have
Words are all we have. They’re the most powerful tool we’ve got. We can use them well and deliberately, assertively.
Learning to understand the real meaning behind words based on who the speaker is and their intentions and motivations is one way to short circuit absorbing the poison and absorbing it as an emotional response that leads to a limiting belief.
Kind Words Effect Our Feelings and Beliefs
Example Three: Imagine This:
Waking slowly from a heavy sleep you know you’re late for work. Feeling weird, heavy and dizzy you try to get up but can barely manage to roll over on one side.
The realization that you’re sick lifts onto the horizon of your mind. The curtain of brain fog shifts and you remember there’s a project deadline, you’re meant to be at work, people depend on you. There’s a lot of pressure…
You think, maybe I can make it, and lift the covers off your bed one more time trying to sit up and get dressed to go… Maybe you can make it on time. As you sit up your stomach grips and vomit rises from your gut, you barely make it to the bathroom as your face turns pale.
There’s No Way Around It
You puke your guts out. A cold sweat breaks out along your hairline as you rest slumped at the toilet bowl, exhausted for turning your innards inside out. You’ve got to call in sick. You feel guilt creeping in.
You call up the work and ask for your boss’s extension, and say: I’m sick. I really tried but I just can’t make it in. I’m vomiting and feverish and I”m so sorry I just ca — Your boss interjects: That’s fine. No worries! Please take care of yourself. Are you alone or is there someone who can bring you juice or things you’ll need…? Please let me know if we can do something or have anything delivered to you. Please stay in bed. It’s okay. We’ll take care of things here, you get better. Please call for anything we can help with. It’s okay.
Are your eyes tearing up in relief..? Did you feel disbelief…? Have your shoulders dropped in letting go of the guilt…? Does this sound impossible as a response and yet you felt the effect of it anyway?
Normal Humans Are Astonishingly Amazing
This is how amazing we are as fully limbic brained, whole, able-bodied humans. Words are all we have and there’s nothing more powerful wherever they’re spoken, from a classroom to the workplace, at a family dinner or in silent prayer.
Take in the knowledge of how our bodies work and what all those feelings, thoughts and beliefs come from, and how they get there.
Our Emotional Intelligence and Whole-Humanity Wins Out
Know who’s talking to us. Understand their position, and meaning; their motivation in speaking to us. And as far as the predator goes, truly understand their simplistic motivation so that we can decode their meaning.
This frees us to have an emotional reaction, a thought process and a belief about our experience that match what’s actually happened. This is key. This is true resolution and healing.
We can land in a place where their weird, tangled words become ridiculous, meaningless and stay always perverse but shift to a perversion we know is coming for them, and so holds no sway over us – not even their lies.
We’re fortunate to have the ability and are free to define our experiences; to create our life and find freedom, joy and real true love and happiness. We are awesome.
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Sociopaths don’t mind who they target. It’s a good day for them as long as they have several someones in their grip. Otherwise, they can’t survive. How do they get us? Why do we fall for sociopaths and why do we stay?
The sociopath’s uncanny power of influence has roots in the primal, raw place from which they live; they’re parasitic survivalists functioning out of no conscience, no positive human connection, and a deep and abiding, driving fear of being exposed and left with no one believing them. If no one believes them, they have no means to survive.
Sociopaths can’t function in our real world with sustained ability or skill. It might look like they’re really a plumber or an artist… look more closely. That surface of normal ability or accomplishment is a very thin veneer. Underneath it is monster-dirt-bag-lying-parasitic-sociopath. They leech their existence from others; it’s a matter of life and death.
They are Animalistic Parasitic Predators by Nature
Antisocial psychopaths are animalistic in the worst sense. Their “beast” life force pulls on normal humans at a primal bone-marrow level. – If the timing is right – or wrong let’s say – we’re snagged whole in one breath.
The “charm”, diffidence, humility, and “manners” lure us to the sociopath as we value these attributes. The flattery they dole out, any lending a hand, giving, or offering and promising something or other are nothing more than bait.
In the early days, they can narrow in on us, with a steady gaze and, hang on to our every word. They look deeply into your face, and oddly off to the distance at the same time. Remembering it now I see it as a wild animal hunched in the tall grass scanning the horizon for dinner. Intent, and focused on us, but not in the room for the same reason we are.
The World of the Sociopath is Another Universe from Ours
Sociopaths function from an abnormal brain. In essence, they have the brains of reptiles while we have the brains of puppies. Regions of the sociopath’s brain are under-functioning. To be exact these regions do not function at all. This black-out, blank spot in their minds is where love ought to be. Where caring lives in us. This blacked-out bit of brain matter is the source of their antisocial behavior, thinking, and violence. This is sociopathy…more precisely: psychopathy.
This bit of nonexistent brain can be seen in brain scans. Science is breaking through on this front to the point that the legal system may incorporate limited use of brain imaging scans in court decisions. Every human on the planet is equally a potential target and prey to a sociopath. They’re wired this way… For the sociopath, having a number of simultaneous prey is a matter of life and death.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Lies are Normal to a Sociopath: They See Lies as Real and Real as Made Up
Sociopaths, that is, antisocial psychopaths, feel the efforts they make for their survival are their right. They truly believe that the inevitable fallout that tears apart the lives of their prey, is something the prey deserve. Normal people are despised by sociopaths, we’re thought of as revolting wimps for having and for living by our emotions.
Lying, the sociopath’s most insidious trait brings disunity and ruin. We wonder if sociopaths “believe” their lies. They do. And they don’t IN their bizarre world real is made up and lies are real. Lying is not a betrayal from their point of view: There is nothing to betray! They are not in a relationship. Plus: they are wired to believe that they can do anything they want to do to anyone and it’s fine. That everything belongs to them.
From their twisted world of destruction lying is normal. Their world is lies. We, on the other hand, believe the sociopath’s lie because embedded within our fundamental wiring is trust.
Pathological Predator, Sociopaths Believe Lies: Even Ours
We can lie to a sociopath and they act from the lie as if it were a truth. In a sense, in their village in hell, there’s no such thing as a lie… we interpret this as the sociopath “believing their own lies.”
There’s more to it than that… Sociopaths know they lie, but they don’t consider it a lie. There’s no discernment or separation between fact and fiction because to a sociopath lies are reality… and reality is made up. Reality changes with each new lie. At any moment. And yet, every lie is true. – That is the circus going on in their heads. They live in an entirely different reality than we do and cannot comprehend ours.
It’s Hard to See What’s Real: We Can and We Will
If we can step up and into wrapping our heads around that and we find deeper freedom from their influence. You can begin to see how impersonal these attacks are. It has nothing to do with us specifically: other than we’re alive and breathing and wholly normal humans.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t let anyone tell you this happened because of anything about you. And don’t let yourself do that either. We are not responsible for the sociopath’s inhumanity.
It isn’t that we attract sociopaths. It’s not that we’re co-dependent. We aren’t reeled in because we had bad parents or tough childhoods – even if we did. We get to be who we are.
There’s Nothing About Us that Attracts a Sociopath Aside From Being Normal
They are the antithesis of us. The polar opposite; so far apart it can’t be imagined. . Light years apart. In parallel universes. They live as parasites. Solo, marauding predators. This is the way they are wired.
We’re innately wired to trust, give, unify, make families and groups, build relationships, try, stay, and “fix”. We don’t expect lies. This is how we’re wired by nature…And it’s a gorgeous wiring job!! We get to be who and what we are. By nature we care, connect, trust, bond, bud friendships, relationships, families, communities… This is our natural survival.
Cognitive Dissonance vs. Cognitive Harmony
We’re wired to make sense of anything that doesn’t make sense… “Cognitive dissonance” hits us like a ton of brinks at the odd things they say or do. We must live in cognitive harmony. This is why we “rationalize” or make reasons in our minds for things they say or do.
But – since we don’t have the actual truth of their motivation to balance the dissonance, we use our normal human reasoning and paint in emotional reasons that come from our life palette: we don’t know the reasons that exist in the minds of these pathological creatures. So, we stay off-kilter. This is a part of the trauma.
The Hijacking Into Hell
At its most elemental level, being targeted and hijacked by a sociopath has nothing to do with anything in our lives personally as individuals other than the fact that we’re limbic-brained normal humans. If being human is “wrong, then I don’t want to be “right.”
Every human has fragility…Doubts, fears, and vulnerability as well as strengths and dreams and hopes, and love. You might call it our humanity. This can be tapped by a pathological predatory parasite as if being handed to them on a plate when we believe they’re a normal human being standing in front of us.
Know This: Any person can be scammed by a life-hijacking antisocial psychopath. If we’ve been through it, fully comprehend what happened and fully recovered we have rendered and forged ourselves into limbic brained normal humans who are now sociopath proof. If someone has been through this, but has been misinformed and badly, inaccurately supported out of the hell they are not recovered and they’re susceptible to another sociopath invasion – likely in the very next true love that crosses their path. – Unless you’ve gone through this hell and lived to tell about it – there’s no way to understand it.
Thinking We Found Something Good
There’s nothing “wrong with us” that led to a sociopath invasion other than we’re human and had no idea such monsters existed, or what they look like, what they do, say, want, and need.
We enter into what we believe is real. Real love, or a real business, or the combination of love and business together. We think we’ve found a really special kind of belonging. Getting a fresh start. Embarking on a new adventure. A life. with “the one”, a soulmate, a partner. These are things absolutely every human desires. These desires and expectations are what life is made of.
We’re Normal: Normal is Good, Kind, and Giving and has Emotions
Hooked in and winding down the path of our future with a sociopath we behave as normal humans in a normal relationship or partnership, but – there’s another parallel thread, another reality running underneath and alongside our normal world when we’re paired up with a socio-freak.
The trouble starts; sociopaths come as a bag of chaos. They have things that need to be “fixed”, problems as long as our arms with a co-worker, an old boss, an old roommate, or a neighbor. Someone is wanting money from them that they say they don’t owe. Someone suddenly fired them for no reason. On, and on, and on…
We as normal humans, do our best to manage it – we think we’re tackling it together. It takes time to see that there isn’t much “together” happening and that this person we love (?) isn’t participating in conflict resolution, solutions, progress, or developing what we have, but is… could it be possible… they are the problem…?
Here’s the Thing: A normal human’s “go-to” is to take responsibility and to dive-in to resolving the things that are out of balance, or painful in the relationship we believe is real. – There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s Normal to Try, to Stay, to Fix: Leaving is What Normal Does Last
This compulsion to hang in there, to “fix,” to work it out is why humans still exist on planet earth. It’s how we create and thrive as families and communities. Imagine if we were to give up on loved ones at the first sign of trouble.
Trauma bonding is normal; it’s human survival mode, wired into our DNA. It’s a mode of survival that occurs when we’re in love with a normal person as well, or when a family member is in crisis. It is human and good.
Imagine if we tossed away our kids if we caught them in a lie about where they were after school or if the dog ate their homework. Imagine if we walked away from our husbands and wives if they lost their job, lost a parent to illness, or became ill themselves. Staying, working on it, and resolving is what humans do.
Side Note: Personally… I wasn’t love-bombed, I wasn’t praised, I wasn’t flattered, there was none of that going on to be so-called “addicted” too. Yet, I met and married him in seven-days time. By day three of knowing him a wave of panic washed over me – I felt I couldn’t live without him. This sensation shocked me to the roof and confused me — as I felt it. So… what is it? Here’s what I think: sociopaths have an uncanny, power of influence related to the primal level they exist from. They have the power, the effect of something wild, and riveting – like a lion we make eye contact with suddenly, unexpectedly on the lions home territory. We’re shocked we’re there. How’d we get in the lion’s back yard? We can’t look away. Something deep inside is grabbed and hooked. Primal. Raw. Sociopaths live from a life-and-death survival place that’s activated in us; we don’t recognize the feeling. We’ve never needed to use this part of ourselves… We need to call it something, that’s normal and human, though we’re stumped. We can’t call it something we don’t know exists, and we don’t recognize it as fear… We decide it’s “love” because love is all we know, we don’t know monsters and this deception adn parasitic madness exists – and certainly, we don’t know how to recognize that happening within us.
Know There is Nothing “Wrong” with Us
When in these circumstances with a sociopath we see strange behavior, we see them take too much and give nothing and we see no changes.
And then when we see enough to see that this is not normal and is nothing we can recognize even within normal-but-not-going-well… we go – or get them out. – There’s nothing wrong with us. It takes as long as it takes.
Do not allow anyone to take this gorgeous, human innate trait and twist it to blame us for these hijackings. Know the significance of this kind of remark: “Why did you stay?” And, “You must be co-dependent and have low self-esteem.” And, “How did you let that happen?!”
There Are People Who Just Won’t Understand
People with this response to our ride in hell are filled with misconceptions of humans and human behavior that have been the paradigm of psychotherapy, counseling, and our culture for years now.
They’re out of step, flat-out wrong, and incorrect in general in regard to any relationship counseling. And 100% inaccurate and harmful and the cause of more trauma in the aftermath of a life-jacking sociopath.
Wrap Ourselves in Compassion
Put the benefit of the doubt towards ourselves. Embrace our lives. Enfold ourselves in compassion. Appreciate the gorgeous loving, trusting qualities pulsing in our DNA. Value our humanity.
Increase and deepen our interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings sharing this planet. Let this newfound knowledge of the possibility in life for both evil and great good inspire us to seek how to manifest and expand our own true and pure good. We are awesome.
Courage is the force that makes our lives brilliant. ~ Daisaku Ikeda
I’ve been down and out. Filled with doubt. Had this little heart of mine kicked around. On the sunniest day the sky can seem gray. All of these battles they’ve made me fierce. Crying doesn’t make me weak; it’s my soul just trying to speak.
… believe that tomorrow will hold a silver lining to all of the sorrow.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses. It’s not a match made in heaven. It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
We Do the Things Normal People Do In Love
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperate that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
All We Need to Fall In Love
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Love with a Sociopath is a Life of Two Parallel Realities
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves, because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
All Normal Humans Are Emotional: There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, and what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Here’s what will ruin us after it’s over:
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
We’re codependent, weak
Have low self-esteem
It’s our fault, we’re crazy
And stupid, and addicted to the narcissist
Blame lies with us, because we ignored red flags
There’s that “work” we need to do on ourselves
We’ve been naive, got hooked because we went through abuse as kids
And There’s More Malarkey We Hear About Our Love with a Sociopath
You’ve likely heard it…
Always, we pick the wrong guy or gal to fall in love with
Have a pattern of abusive relationships
Always get it wrong
We fell for it because we’re older or because our dog just died, or we’re needy
Not wanting to be alone made it happen
It happened because we wanted marriage and kids
Loving a sociopath happened because they made us feel safe
We fell for it because we don’t have enough money
Our insecurity led us to think they could help us do something or be something
We were blind, and in denial, our friends told us but we didn’t listen
And most of all, don’t we know if something’s too good to be true… it isn’t real
None of these is true. And there are very good things that are very true
How To Heal After Loving a Sociopath
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post-trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Is love all we need? It might be… if we’re talking about a relationship with a puppy. So many things make our world, but most of all it’s our beliefs that shape our experiences.
We hear a lot of things about relationships, about marriage, and what makes them work; “love” is always the bottom line: “If you love each other.”
We also hear: relationships are hard work. And stories of love at first sight, or being swept off our feet. We’ve all heard the adage that says love conquers all, and have been told that all couples fight.
When things go wrong we’re counseled by well-meaning friends or family with things like boys will be boys. And you still might hear that a woman’s place is in the home. And when things are really rough someone might tell us, you made your bed, now lie in it. – To my way of thinking, “love” somehow got lost in here.
“Unconditional” Loves Makes Room for Bad Behavior
It’s said that true and real love is meant to be unconditional, as well as some who say the legal contract of marriage is phooey and, that it’s only a piece of paper.
There are so many expressions describing the experience of love, let’s look at more of them: we fall into it; we’re crazy in it. Sick with it, and: all’s fair in love and war.
If you think about it, you’ll come up with a barrel full and more of these platitudes floating around. We’ve all heard all of them. We all absorb them unconsciously, or believe them all the way.
I have to say, personally, none of these sentiments cause me to want to be hit by cupid’s arrow. A really important question to ask ourselves is: How do our beliefs about love help us and how do they cause us to suffer?
What Do These Metaphors Mean About Our Expectations in Relationships?
Relationships are Hard Work
Are they? Is this a fact..? I coined a slogan long ago from my own experience in relationships: when it’s right, it’s easy. – Isn’t this just as valid? – What’s “right” has to be factored in. We won’t get “easy” if we want different things when it comes to the big questions in life like where to live, how to live and having kids or not.
Honestly when it comes down to it things won’t last if we have different ideas of what’s funny, or favorite foods or eating styles. Vegan vs. fast food is not going to have many happy meals together. A smoker vs. a runner is going to have a short lap around the track at best.
This is kinda romantic and yes, there can be a primal pull to someone, an attraction that goes deep, but actual l.o.v.e…? Not so much. That would take more time. Guess who wants us to think the real deal happens in one instant?
Swept Off Our Feet
Yes! That adrenaline rush and that floaty feeling like our feet left the floor and our head is full of clouds. That sounds very unstable. Like being out of control…and it is just that. This isn’t the time to jump into a commitment. It’s time to take a step back. It usually signifies something isn’t quite right, or isn’t really for us.
What Truly Conquers All in Life?
If only love conquered all. We love our dolls when we’re little; that doesn’t stop them from getting dirty or lost. Our goldfish captures our hearts; they still stink up the glass bowl and die anyway. Never being defeated by loss or grief, or life’s ups and downs, now thatconquers all.
It’s Noble and Poetic to Stick Around No Matter What
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand’ring bark, Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken. Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle’s compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me prov’d, I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.
Every Couple Fights
Do they…? First of all, what constitutes a fight? Screaming? Throwing things, ignoring us, calling us fat? Wwho would do that…? What the heck is there to fight about? In my experience, when it’s right it’s easy. There’s nothing to fight about.
Boys Will Be Boys
Really…? We know who likes this one. This palliative phrase echos another historical era, like when people thought the earth was flat, and believed if we walked far enough we’d fall off the edge. Boys need to eventually be men. And men and boys will be held accountable. If they are subhuman as a pathological user then, bye-bye.
A Woman’s Place is in the Home
Hey, I love home. Home is where the heart is. And as women we have a place outside the home too. Again, the earth is no longer flat and girdles are not required.
You Made Your Bed
Life is about creating what ever we want. We’re never stuck in any one place. This is from those flat-earth and earlier beliefs. When women were property and even as near to now as the 1980’s when women had to fight to get a bank loan to by a house on their own.
Our Beliefs About Love Create Our Experience
It’s Only a Piece of Paper
As if marriage is unimportant and the legalities and life changing effects therein are “only a piece of paper”. Nope. A marriage certificate is not “only a piece of paper.” In legalities alone there are many, many binding alterations to our life. Those are in place until we divorce them. That nightmare-ish process is another can of legal worms, and includes myriad little pieces of paper I’m sure most of us hold in high esteem.
And then in real life terms being a wife or husband is entirely another realm than boyfriend territory even if you live together. Anyone who’s been married knows the experience of that something that kicks in that makes everything different. This is a life bond.
Marriage, from an emotional or spiritual and legal stand point is far beyond a piece of paper, even if we don’t know that until we experience it.
This sentiment is a bizarre notion. To me it signifies a free hall pass to any and all (bad) behavior within a relationship. Nope. Not a good idea.
Unconditional acceptance is for babies, actual infants, not grown men and women. Pathological predators depend heavily on our concept of this kind of love in order to use us. To me unconditional love is reserved for babies and puppies, so to speak.
We’re “Crazy In Love”
The pathological predator, a sociopath is incapable of feeling love. Love is nothing to a sociopath. We are their prey. They are dependent upon us. There’s no love going on here.
This expression about how it feels to love is natural. It can seem whirlwind and so exciting and we’re crazy about them! What we’re discovering is that there are situations that are full of chaos, trauma and legitimate fear. This is not “crazy in love” this is the trauma of being involved in anyway with a pathological user.
In the aftermath of this mess, when we talk about our feelings to others, they’re cool at first – maybe. Typically at a certain point things flip and we get a sense hat they think we’re crazy.Being entangled into a fake-latioinship by a sociopath feels like crazy and we start to think we’re crazy. We aren’t crazy. Recovery from crazy is possible.
We “Fall Into” Love
Fall…? Remember falling…? Like from childhood. Falling, was bad. It hurt. It was a loss of control, an absence of safety. A lack of choice. An accident. Traumatic. Falling happened to us, we didn’t decide to do it. How is this related to love…? Does this concept need to be a part of our ideas about how we love?
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to be sickwith anything. I get it, that longing that aches and is the pain of wanting someone. Especially if they go out of town, or already have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or they don’t seem to notice us. But – uhh – that was high school.
All’s Fair in Love …and War
Where the heck did that come from? Come on. No. It isn’t. Personally, I think there’s nothing fair whatsoever in war. And I firmly believe that all is meant to be fair in love unless you’re meaning it’s fair to lie. Nope: that’s not fair at all. That’s criminal.
Why Isn’t Love Enough?
The nasty pathological predator counts on our surrender to love, our complete trust in love combined with our lack of understanding that this kind of predator exists and what that means.
They depend on us buying into the idea that we’re blinded by it; that it’s enough, that love doesn’t question, that it never dies, that if it’s “true”, it lasts forever and until death do us part. In reality with a pathological predator, such as a narcopath (a sociopath), it was never there and we typically only know that after they’ve parted us from our health, money, property, sanity and dignity.
Are There Other Ways to Conceptualize and Live Out Love?
How many concepts of love can you think of? There’s a fool for it, and that other person is our better half. We’ve all heard what’s his name from that movie say:you complete me. – Sorry Tom, but that’s just not our job.
Make a list of as many ideas stuffed into little idioms or platitudes that you can think of. Then think baout how they contribute to confusion or maybe pain. Then check out the TED talk below for some great ones and alternatives for new ways to think about and experience love.
What If We Think About Matters of the Heart a New Way?
What if we thought of love differently? For example, as something we partnered in? Or stepped or walked into rather than fell into? If we turned the popular concepts we live from into new thinking, such as: we collaborate in love? That we create it, build it. Grow into it and within it. Choose it and harmonize in it. Imagine if those feelings of love could be enough if we thought of them in a new way.
Here’s a great TED Talk discussing how we think of love and how this shapes our experience of love, Just like with all things in life: from our perspective, our expectations, our beliefs that determine and give us the fortitude and wisdom to conquer all.
Ms. Catron works with words and language and talks about how we think of love as a form of madness, and metal illness, and it’s full of violence and we fall into it, and are smitten by it as a vengeance from an angry God. What if instead, love were a collaborative work of art?
Love Is How and What We Make It
The pathological predator, a sociopath is incapable of feeling love. Love is nothing to a sociopath. We are their prey. They are dependent upon us. There’s no love going on here.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
It’s natural to believe parents love their kids. Is this a mistake at the expense of the children in some parents’ clutches?
Can narcissistic sociopaths love their kids? (Every sociopath, btw, is 100% narcissistic.) We’d certainly like to think every parent loves their children. But in one of the nightmares that led you to find this page…are we putting your kids at risk?
When we’re in the throes of getting away from a pathological parasitic predator and trying to put together what we were dragged through, it’s Twilight Zone enough to absorb the idea that they didn’t love us, let alone pondering if sociopaths love their kids or not.
But we see the evidence- kids forgotten, ignored, abused, used, yelled at, manipulated, and hurt. We have to ask ourselves: Does this parent love this child? And further, even if they say they want the kids, are they good enough to be in the child’s life? Are they harmful?
Do Sociopaths Love Their Kids?
Firstly, a sociopathic parent can claim they care about their children. Or more readily stake a claim to their children. But break it down… recall the ways they express interest in their children.
Are we interpreting the way they lay claim as “caring”? But is it caring? Or is it what a pathological parasitic predator lays out as part of their ruse to seem normal and to get what they want?
Sociopaths know that appearing to care about the children makes them look “normal”. The (“narcissist”) sociopath is all about trying to get others to believe they’re normal or amazingly amazing so they can make use of us. With that agenda, what better way than to come across as someone who adores kids?
Normal People Love; “Narcissists” Do Not Love
As amazing and lovable as our kids are, no matter how much we love them, the sociopath does not love their kids. Most sociopaths abandon their kids eventually or immediately. As horrible as this sounds, this is the best situation for you and the children.
Know that we can turn a sociopath’s weakness and limitations – the sociopath’s deep and constant fear and fragile, house-of-cards existence to our advantage. Save the children. Live again.
As hard as it is, please realize that we’re lucky if they walk away and are never heard from again. No child benefits from a sociopath hanging around in their lives.
Remember, sociopaths fake all caring and any seemingly loving emotions. They really and truly feel none of it. They do pretend to care about kids… It can seem real through our hopeful view of things.
The very bizarre truth is that narcissistic sociopaths love no one. Sociopaths do not love their kids. The person you’re thinking of as a “narcissist” does not love their kids (because that’s a sociopath). They do use their kids just as they’re using us and anyone else who crosses their path.
What would getting your kids safely away mean to you?
Sociopaths (or more accurately, psychopaths) do and say all they do and say only to get what they want. That’s truly their only inspiration. A pathological user uses any means they can think of to get what they want, to get away with what they do, and to maintain the pretense or facade of a “good reputation”.
I asked the nut-bag I married if he had any kids. He said, I have kids all over the world. I kinda thought, hmmm, then decided he meant he was a person who really loved kids, but had none because who the heck could have kids all over the world? – Well, turns out he did. 18 kids in five countries, at last count. All abandoned by him, used by him when possible, their mother’s lives periodically re-invaded, and all unloved by him.
Breaking Up with Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
A part of the standard sociopathic persona is to pretend to love their kids, especially when other people are watching. They put on this show to convince someone else that they’re a great person and normal.
Posing as a loving parent is meant to influence others’ opinions of them as a good person. A trustworthy person, a loving and kind person: A normal person. Sociopaths do nothing genuinely kind or caring for their kids. The kids are a tool, an object, just as adults are.
Sadly, the kids are a tool, a cover, a respectability facade, a gateway to “more”. There’s no end to what a sociopath might do since they’re without stops, boundaries, or limits because of the limited functionality of their brains.
Since parasitic predators are unable biologically and physiologically to make a caring connection to any living being, they also have no conscience. You could say that kids, just as anyone else around them, are seen as paper dolls to make use of as they desire. Little toys strewn out on the floor to pick up or toss aside as needed.
There Are No Limits to Their Lack of Humanity
This pathology frames the parasitic predator’s brain to truly believe that every “toy” belongs to them; that each thing and each person is theirs to take and use or harm. The antisocial psychopath has no concern for what we consider “right and wrong.”
A parent without a conscience does not and cannot love their kids. A being that makes no connection, no positive bonds, has no humanity, cannot parent in any way. They harm and only cause harm to their children, even without overt abuse. They can be nothing else.
Appearing Normal vs. Being Normal
Antisocial psychopaths aka sociopaths do, however, observe that in the normal people’s world, our world, there’s a vast difference between how we act towards a child versus how we behave towards an adult.
They do know that to come across to us as normal, they must mimic the ways we behave towards children. However, they’re really, really bad at this. They slip up in shocking and obvious ways and fail miserably at acting “normal”.
Sociopaths (“Narcissists”) Act Like They Love Their Kids
Sociopaths pretend to love their kids when the child has a price tag. This can be to get out of paying child maintenance -or- to be awarded child maintenance payments. They pretend to love their kids to appease a Judge.
Male sociopaths in particular go to court to take their kids (your kids) to get out of court-ordered child maintenance. Which is tragically ironic, because they don’t pay child maintenance even when it is court-ordered. Unless someone is watching them pay.
That is to say, unless new prey know about the child (children) and observe how they treat the kids, and know whether or not they make the payments. And unless they have parents or someone else watching who they stand to gain something from. To get that thing, they will maintain some semblance of payment schedule at least for a while.
Female sociopaths (maybe you’re calling them a “narcissist”) are not above claiming false domestic violence and abuse so they can take the kids. Their goal is to look like a good and normal person, but further, it’s to get spousal and child maintenance. Female sociopaths do not love their kids.
There is Hope
Because sociopaths (“narcissists”) are simplistic, predictable, and extremely limited creatures we can ues their limits and motivations and specific needs to maneuver them out of our lives. This may sound odd, or not at all b clear in meaning at this moment.
To do this, we need a very sharp and precise comprehension of their base motivation, the limits of their brains, and to see this whole schmeer for what it is: A crime of deception and fraud. These are not relationships. There is no human there. I guide people to this place in one-on-one sessions.
Know that we can turn a sociopath’s weakness and limitations – the sociopath’s deep and constant fear and fragile, house-of-cards existence to our advantage. Save the children. Live again.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Please feel free to reach out, ask a question or comment in the form below. I always respond.
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Why are sociopaths called antisocial? These freaks love to party and hang. They chat and charm and dance and joke. Why do we call them “antisocial” when they need other people.
Why Are Sociopaths Called Antisocial?
Sociopaths are called antisocial because – hold onto your hats – there’s more than one meaning of the word antisocial! In their case, it doesn’t mean being shy or reluctant to be with others in a group setting. Amazing. Who’d a thunk it.
One of the myriad roadblocks to realizing just what it is we’re facing is misinterpreting or not understanding the meaning of this little word: “antisocial”.
Defining What the Antisocial Is In A Sociopath
This little four-syllable word – that people assume they already know the meaning to – trips people up. It’s natural to think it doesn’t make sense because the guy or gal in their living nightmare is very “social” rather than “antisocial” and doesn’t like parties or have many friends or some such.
This notion that you know what the word means -as applied to this kind of deceptive and ruinous human without a conscience – keeps far too many people from investigating more deeply into who and what it is they have gotten entangled with.
So then, in turn, they look to the other concepts floating around online and on social media to explain this person’s heinous behavior. Most commonly landing on “narcissist”.
Add in these other terms out there: narc, narcopath, and the narcissist in all its varieties, well, this falsely assures far too many people for too long that they’re only in love with a “narcissist” when in fact… It’s much, much worse. And more confusing, because some definitions and platitudes out there are related to a sociopath yet described under the name “narcissist”, and other describing factors are 100% off the mark. Very confusing… and delays recovery.
Here it goes, here’s a definition of this sticky little word antisocial from the Oxford English Dictionary – the most massive, most amazing dictionary on the planet. There are two definitions.
Opposed to sociability; averse to companionship.
Opposed to the principles on which society is constituted.
Definition number one above, of the word “antisocial”, is the one we’re most familiar with. It’s the one that gets us saying, no they can’t be a sociopath because they have friends. And also we think, she’s really fun at BBQs! Or, yeah but he’s around people all the time. They love going out! So, they can’t be an “antisocial psychopath”. – I get that. But there’s more.
Definition Number Two Describes the Sociopath
Definition number two pertains to the clinical term related to a sociopath, an antisocial psychopath, or a person of antisocial personality disorder, as defined by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition).
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Antisocial Psychopaths Are Sociopaths aka Psychopaths
As described by David Porter, MA, LAD: “The term antisocial may be confusing to the lay public, as the more common definition outside of clinical usage is an individual who is a loner or socially isolated.
The literal meaning of the word antisocial can be more descriptive to both the lay public and professionals: to be anti-social, is to be against society; against rules, norms, laws, and acceptable behavior. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder tend to be charismatic, attractive, and very good at obtaining sympathy from others; for example, describing themselves as the victim of injustice. …
Antisocials possess a superficial charm, they can be thoughtful an dcunning and have an intuitive ability to rapidly observe and analyze others, determine their needs and preferences, and present it in a manner to facilitate manipulation and exploitation. They are able to harm and use other people in this manner, without remorse, guilt, shame, or regret.”
~ Theravive, by David Porter, MA, LAD (They also think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread.)
Modern Languages Come from Latin: Anti Means: Against
Our words for medical diagnosis and terminology as well as a huge part of our everyday English language come from ancient, toga-wearing people who spoke Latin in ye-olde-school, ancient Rome. Lots of beginnings and endings and even middle sections of our words are Latin.
The beginnings of words are called: “prefixes”; here’s a bunch: anti, post, sub, pre, non as beginnings. You can probably think of some right off the bat: Substitute, post-trauma, predetermined, nonexistent. Interested in language, read more about Latin roots, suffixes, and prefixes.
Also here are some endings you know in everyday language but might not have known that they’re Latin. We call these “suffixes”. Here’s a few: ment, as in “supple-ment”; ify, as in ver-ify and ident-ify; ation, as in perfor-ation and restor-ation; able, as in “cap-able”. There are tons.
Anti is a word straight out of Latin and Rome. If you put the word anti into Google Translate and select the translation from English into Latin, you know what you get? – Anti.
Anti in English is anti in Latin. In old-school Latin anti means: to be or to go against (something), to be outside (of something), or opposed (to something).
ASPD and Antisocial Psychopaths Refer to Con Artists, Scammers, and Yes: Killers
So…antisocial psychopaths or persons of antisocial personality disorder, don’t mind parties at all, they kinda thrive on being social and any place with lots of people, including online, is the prime hunting ground. They need us and others so, so much.
Sociopaths are called antisocial because they function against and outside of normal, expected behavior. These people do things without thinking twice that we’d never even conceived of doing, much less do and behave in an anti- (against) social- (society) manner. Their behavior goes against the grain of what’s okay. And boy-howdy… Don’t they…?
So let me ask you… Does it help to get to the bottom of your bizarre, painful, and dire situation to think of them as just a narcissist? Or would there be more life-saving, pain prevention, and protection in diving in and stripping things down?
Ponder the realities and consider if this view would get more done for your safety and recovery: Looking at it from the point of view that this person will do anything they can think of doing in order to make use of you, or to get whatever they want, and to have things their way and to not be stopped. – That my friend is a sociopath: they function outside of and against the expected and accepted norms of society.
We Win
They need us. We do not need them. This is the hardest thing you’ll ever go through. The number one concern is that you clear the fog and protect your life. They have been through this break-up many, many, many times before and will again and again long after they’ve ridden off into the sunset.
As we explore removing them from our lives and then restoration: we don’t need to pretend they’re normal; they know what they are. – That said, keep your discoveries to yourself and end the entanglement safely. They need us; we don’t need them.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
If you’re Googling for answers, if you feel confused and uneasy about someone you’re dating, if you’ve started wondering what’s wrong you’re dating a sociopath.
I’m going to get right into it here. There are very specific traits every sociopath shares. If you call this person a “narcissist” and see these traits, maybe pull back a bit on what you feel you know, and plug in a stricter view of them with parameters that fit a sociopath.
I know that’s a big and scary word. Paradoxically, using this term, and more than that, taking in a real and accurate understading of what that means for our lives can make things simpler. So, how do we know if we’re dating a sociopath?
First of all, most of us – let’s admit – begin a new romantic possibility, by looking online for things about this person we just met. That’s good, but not enough to detect a sociopath.
Here’s why: when we’re dating someone who is a pathologically narcissistic person, a person who lies and knows they lie and admits to preying upon others. In a nutshell they’re a sociopath. When we are intrigued by them, we see good things. In the enamored, mesmerized early days, the bad things about them don’t show up or aren’t seen as bad.
Tune in to yourself in this search. If there’s a tugging in your gut – that gut feeling that something is wrong – this means there’s something wrong. If you’re looking up things that brought you to this article, yes – that person you’re dating or maybe now not dating is one of these creatures.
But most of us won’t end a romance at this point. We usually want to know more, that’s just human. It’s not necessarily a bad human quality, it is after all, born of the same human inquisitiveness that got us to the moon and discovered penicillin. And at the end of this dating fest – if it goes badly enough, it’s the same natural human quality that will eventually activate our escape from this person.
What Do Sociopaths Do in Relationships?
In the beginning it seems magic. There’s an unexpected, unhinged kind of compatibility.
They want to see us often or text or talk once a day or more
We find them interesting and are impressed with what they do or talk about
It seems they have a good job, are respected, maybe have a-lotta money
Or they drop things that lead us to assume they do
The reality is, most times when someone is talking about dating a “narcissist”, the person they’re facing is a sociopath. That’s fine. However, the information out there about a “narcissist” mixes together accurate ideas about a non-pathologically narcissistic person, and extremely inaccurate ideas about this very scary pathological one. This leads to problems when that person is actually pathologically narcissistic…a sociopath.
When dating a sociopath or when wanting to know if you’re dating a person who’s much more than “just a narcissist”, the best way to make this determination is to think of them as a being a sociopath…to look at them through this lens in order to see them clearly.
Dating a Sociopath (a Pathological Narcissist) Goes…
The person who promised so much breaks those promises
Super confusing and heartbreaking… they’re strange or get weird about sex
They tell us we can’t be a part of some part of their life
They have days they’re grumpy for no reason
Their mood changes up to down, nice to mean, or active to flat on the couch
And something feels off, uneasy, unsettled and unsettling
Somewhere in your mind, you wonder if they’re lying
Sociopath / Narcissist, Po-tay-to / Po-tah-to
Dating a sociopath… dating a narcissist. You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to. Why does it matter? Why do I talk about this much? Because being unclear in this can prolong the “relationship”, which prolongs the pain, and inhibits recovery. It can interfere with safety of you and any children that are part of the picture.
Here’s one example: If you think of them as a “narcissist’ and read all about that, then you might believe they have a narcissistic wound. – This will lead you down a garden path of empathy for the “narcissist” who is in fact a sociopath, who has no wound, but has an abnormal brain – and would sooner watch you bleed out on the floor while they eat their lunch than give you money to take care of your child.
People have fallen into calling them “narcissists” for lots of reasons. One reason is that the word “antisocial” as in “antisocial psychopath” the technical name for a sociopath, trips them up. So, read here to find the answer to why sociopaths are called antisocial.
And of course, the other reason for shying away from the much bigger words sociopath or psychopath is because it’s hard to believe this infinite evil exits. I’m so sorry for this. This is the hardest part to take in. The first moment this reality came to me, is one I’ll never forget.
And now, you feel deceived though you still might have no “proof”
If questioned, they act as if nothing happened and like we’re still chill
You feel fear
You think maybe they’re mentally unstable
Something very wrong is going on, but you can’t put our finger on it
Dating a Sociopath (a Pathologically Narcissistic Person) is Fixable: They Are Not
By the way, did you know that it’s against mental health professional guidelines to diagnose someone underage – someone 18 or younger – as a sociopath aka a psychopath? That’s how serious it is. It’s by and large the last thing a therapist or psychiatrist wants to officially diagnose anyone with.
This diagnosis, this condition of this abnormal and under-functioning brain of the sociopath is permanent. It cannot be declared as a diagnosis to any under age person, for kids they call it a “conduct” or “disruptive disorder” relating to the underage child (could be a preschooler on up through a teen) not being able to behave, not following rules, and going off on disturbing and or violent tangents.
I’ve known of cases where a mental health professional set to be a witness in an abuse case within a custody case believed the person in question was a sociopath, but they were not willing to give testimony to this in court. It’s a very strong statement for a therapist or psyche professional to make. This diagnosis is one that many licensed mental health professionals are not willing to make. – There are of reasons for this. The point is you need to know. We need to know what we’re facing.
Dating a Sociopath, Dating a “Narcissist” is a Life of Hell
Sociopaths are very different than we are. They actually have a different brain – they process human relations completely differently than we do. They look at other people as objects. People are merely utility devices to use and to take things from or to use to get their kicks from…in a really bad way.
Sociopaths don’t ever change. They cannot. And they wouldn’t want to if they could, they like being sociopaths and know what they are.
Sometimes they’ll tell us they’re a sociopath. They don’t mind if you know this. They care what you do because fo this knowledge. And most times this sickening intimate uttering does not send people running away, its isn’t usually what snaps the spell, but becomes a part of the coagulating weirdness.
Things can only go from bad to worse to much, much worse. They’re nice, then harsh then not as nice, then harsher. Call you names and some pull out the violence. They take anyone they can get their hooks into through five stages of true love scam…always and only.
Why? Why can’t they just be normal? – Connectors between segments in their brains are missing so that they can’t feel or process emotions as we do. Sociopaths – psychopaths – don’t feel the emotions we feel. They have a very limited set of emotions, none of which are comparable to ours. They don’t understand our emotions and never will.
There are lots of differences in our brains and in how they see the world compared to hoe we see the world because of this missing but. They’re missing care and connection, and so they’re missing a conscience. We have a conscience because we care. They have other differences, for example, in dating a sociopath or dating a what you’ve been calling a narcissist, you might notice that they don’t process the meanings of words the way we do. They even lie when they don’t need to.
Here’s a very detailed YouTube video with Dr. Hare, a leader in research and studies on the antisocial psychopath.
We End the Damage They Can Bring to Our Lives
If you’re on this website wondering if you’re dating a sociopath, please don’t wait looking for proof from them…you’re here because you already know. Trust your gut.
Your suspicion, your fear, confusion, and self-doubt is proof. We already know. Please, embrace your own life. Protect yourself. Find out how to leave them. Go no contact.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Please feel free to reach out, ask a question or comment in the form below. I always respond.
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
