Every one of these hijackings is identical. It seems impossible because we each think “our relationship” is unique. How can we be sure to see the signs before it starts?
I was out the other day with my niece. She’s, you know, in that first blush of time when she and her friends are dating and the dating is shifting into forming relationships that, for some of them, might turn into lasting partnerships…
This particular day, as we wandered around window shopping, my niece was invested and passionate as she described a bad breakup her friend Olivia just went through.
As soon as she started talking about this “break up”… I knew. She described her friend’s heartache and confusion with confusion of her own. My niece was affected by the trauma and madness that her friend was under as a piece of a sociopathic entrapment. No question in my mind.
She said this break up of her friend’s – from her first real boyfriend, “doesn’t make sense“, that months later her friend “can’t get over it“, and how “it started great” And, here’s how she told me about it:
“So Olivia has this friend in New York she knows from school, so she went to see her and that’s where she met *him* – cause he’s her friend’s friend – and they were vibin’ and playing music all day together for two days, and after she left they’d Face Time each other and they were really just like a total match. He even looked like her! And… yah...”
After a breakup of this magnitude is a chaotic upheaval of despair. We can heal using the very traits they chose us for. Our own compassion, kindness, and open-heartedness are our own saving grace.
The break-up involves paralyzing fear. Anxiety, fragility, doubt, and confusion. The trauma and grief in the aftermath in the wake of their lies are singular.
Unless you’ve been in one of these fraudulent set-ups before this sad, mad, dazed-of-mind, and out-of-body trip will be a mystery. The amazing news is: there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s everything right with you. Not even in the aftermath which hits like a ton of bricks.
There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
Everything you’re feeling and thinking is normal. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with us. There iseverything wrong with the antisocial psychopathwho just walked out the door. We’re in post-traumatic stress, PTSD. This is with good reason… we’ve been in a sustained attack.
Sociopaths (what so many people call a “narcissist”) take our material possessions and rape and pillage our hearts, our emotions, our lives, and our souls. In the aftermath of a sociopath, it’s time to give ourselves the loyalty, the benefit of the doubt, and care that’s been siphoned off by them – for their own personal gain – until we’re wrung out.
When I saw the monster I had married; when I knew hard facts in addition to the sickening feeling in my gut, the truth tore wide open. Small-huge words came out of my body on an exhale: “I want you to leave.” It felt like the only sound in the whole universe at that moment.
As my words hit his comprehension, the once handsome face of this conman “husband” went stone-blank. It was kind of funny seeing him at a loss, knowing his scam was blown up. It was also terrifying. I stayed still, calm, quiet, and watchful.
Surprisingly Calm In the Face of Absolute Danger
He sat at his desk – his throne of operations looking as if he were deep in thought over some important point. Heavy quiet filled the space. I had become the power in the room. He was now the hunted.
My life, my mind instantly and automatically shifted itself into a primal realm I’d never known before. – I recognized this space of beyond-bizarre for what it was; this was his normal. A world without a floor, without limits and of life and death, and of infinite evil.
The Truth Breaks the Mesmerized Devotion
How it Went Down: After the break up from the sociopath – meaning when I saw many shocking things three days in a row, culminating in me telling him to leave – I had an abrupt and total break of any and all positive or affectionate feelings for my faux-husband, – The entire jerry-rigged universe he made with me blew sky-high. All good feelings I had for him blasted to smithereens. In a three-day span, the spell he held me under was irrevocably broken. I woke up to myself. I was very fortunate. – For him, the end came unexpectedly – too abruptly and before he was ready, leaving him in the lurch. He’d been planning to take off because I was merely for a US green card as it turns out. But his timing was off. He hadn’t anticipated me. He wasn’t prepared: he had no ready jumping-off place, no prepped and willing prey to fully move on to – or more to the point no one readied to move in with for a place to sleep. And because of me, he also now had no vehicle, no credit cards, and was going to have his green card revoked, and potentially be deported. He was furious and panicked. A cornered wild animal.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up With Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories as told in their own words. From being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
After the breakup moment, I saw true things I hadn’t seen before, sharply in focus. He sat at my desk — in my Aeron chair, in myhome. His only possession, his sleek, new MAC Airbook – not even truly his, but bought for him by another woman-of prey, living in South America while he was here and married to me.
She thought that he lived with her – there. And was here for work. And here to get them a place to live and bring her and the baby over to join him! — This globe-trotting scammer had more than a baker’s dozen of us all “believing” all at once different versions of who it is he was in our lives… And what his life was.
He’d moved in with m… I’d turned my whole place around to accommodate him. My home became his adopted Head Quarters. – His “Scam Central” of the moment. Turns out all this is a common situation when we’re ensnared by a pathological parasitic predator, and in truth: they have no home.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound: The Podcast
A Sociopath’s (Narcissist’s) Prey Is Their Survival
This was my home now his hijacked lair. He leaned back in my chair, swiveling in deliberation as he calculated who to Facebook, email, and Instagram. Which chat room or Meet-Up to join.
Sending his venom and lies and deception virtually every possible waking moment to scourge up more victims – while he lived in a fake relationship with me, eating my food and using me for a cook, a laundress, and shelter. This was all he had; this was all he was.
I was his Internet Provider. His Grub-Shack. His Shower & Shave Pit Stop. His On-the-House-Boarding-House. (Other people were his Sex-Doll. This I, fortunately, did not suffer.) I began to remove each little drip of benefit to him in staying. But, he was stymied. He stalled his departure for ten gruesome, blood-chilling days.
A Bevy or a Gaggle of Prey is Required for The Sociopath
He had no other bait hooked deeply enough to be able to jump into their home. There were a few prospects, in a few different locations – none were Move-in-Ready. So, he hibernated, sleeping for three days and nights. Then he sprang into action.
Usually a night owl, he lingered in a morning laze under blankets, lounging on my Sixpenny down filled sofa texting, and watching videos on YouTube so this was an abrupt change, striking my heart with cold fear and watchfulness.
One morning I watched him. Since it was clear he was on his way out the door I let in a glimmer of amusement mixed in with that fear, standing observing him… and as if I wasn’t even there he slithered out the door, shaved and shiny-faced at 7:46 am. Silently, stealthfully: he was alert, coiled, and ready to strike.
Sociopaths (Narcissists) are Shameless and Relentless
Though he knew the game was up, he didn’t give up. Apparently what he was doing up so early was car shopping: in other words, trying to get a car loan. no-go. He was denied, He actually haphazardly left the paperwork out. I checked to make sure he wasn’t trying to use my name on anything and saw that he’d been denied a loan.
It followed then that one afternoon he tried to work me over again for a car. If it weren’t so scary, from another angle it was hilarious and pathetic. Of course, I had a feeble story to tell him about how sorry I was, but “no”. And that it was “impossible” because of something I had done. Hilarious. I was maneuvering him out of my life.
His words of disgust towards me spat like poison from his gob and in a few text messages after he stormed out the door… So be it… as long as I could see that this was driving him out because there was nothing here to get, I could take his stupid words.
Fabricated Stories Cover Real Desperation
Then, on the final day, realizing there was nothing at all here for him and that the ship was about to be submerged he finally put me through a test to be sure – specifically – that I wouldn’t turn him in to the authorities. That I wasn’t angry or going for revenge. That I wasn’t planning to come after him for stealing my jewelry, money, and art, and: that I wasn’t going to get USCIS, U.S. Immigration running after him like a dog catcher with a net.
I realized this was happening before he opened up with his performance. I went along with his improvisation. I soothed him, as he (fake) blubbered and sobbed…
Waterworks Signal the Sociopath’s Desperation
Liquid slicked down his face in sheets. It was meant to be tears. He wove a sob story about his father. This gruesome demon’s back story on his dad had been that his father had beaten him so badly, so often, and been so mean to him and unfair in his treatment of him compared to his other siblings that he’d left home to France at the age of 12, all on his own to get away from his dad.
Now suddenly, this same dad had a dream that made him reach out… A dream that entailed a premonition of his son in jail in the United States caused his dad to suddenly call him after ten years of not speaking..? A miracle!! Really? So how the heck did daddy have his cell phone number? Surely phone number 510 within the last ten years.
The Coupe de Grâce
When he dropped this punch line, my dad had a dream (sob, sob, hand covering face) his son in jail in united states (bend over, sob, lift his head to peek at me), I almost laughed out loud. He was gauging what I’d do when he left. He was attempting to see how safe it was for him to leave.
Everything the pathological parasitic predator says or does is about them. They’re totally absorbed in the need to do whatever they want or need to do, and in not being stopped. This singular focus is unwavering and is present in their consciousness at all times.
Behind that desire and need is the driving force of their very survival. Sociopaths are primal. Raw. They live in a space we have never been – because our world is safe unless we live in a nation of oppression, extreme poverty, or a war zone.
Lying To Save My Life
I let him think he was safe. He wasn’t. I gently said in a near whisper of shock and dismay and concern for his safety (ha), Oh, that would never happen, and stroked his back. I was maneuvering him out of my life. It worked.
Within seconds he was up out of that chair, face as dry as could be, with no physical or emotional signs of anguish or tears. He said, I need some air, and walked out the door; he was gone until sometime in the wee hours of the morning. this indicated to me that the felt secure that I wasn’t a threat and was back to his usual prowling. – hunting down a place to hop off to so he could make a run for it while I still “loved” him!! hilarious.
When the Goodies Are Gone: the Sociopath Moves On
The most significant thing I did was lie. And lie more. I told him I couldn’t pay the internet bill. Without the internet, his main-line source of hunting prey was over in this joint!
The next day he had new suitcases, a new SUV, and $1,000 cash in his sweaty fist. The next day while I was at work he called my cell phone. I didn’t pick it up. I knew this was his exit.
He wasn’t there when I got home. Crooked, tangled empty hangers hung in the closet. Chests of drawers gaped loose like sad drooping hungry mouths. He was gone. The stillness was chilling. …Then the real terror came.
Terror Sets In
The aftermath of a sociopath struck with a vengeance. I didn’t know I’d felt safer while he was under the same roof: because with him in my home, I knew where he was. Now he could be anywhere: following me, watching me… I felt like he could turn the doorknob at any minute even after I had the locks changed that very afternoon.
But I had to handle a truck-load-of-serious, move fast, and could not collapse in relief or grief or fear or despair. I didn’t have time to say, “What the bleep was all that?!” – I had to protect and save my life.
Sociopaths count on our fear of them.I could sway him in much stronger measure than his darkness could reach me. When we don’t believe anymore – they shudder with fear, because in essence, without us and others believing them: they do not exist.
I took steps to take care of myself on every front immediately, the practical, legal, spiritual – and for mental, physical, and emotional health. A sort of super-human capability took over my body and piloted me through each hour, each day that followed. – And I will tell you, I did this without a penny of livable income or savings.
After the Break Up, This Is What I Did Immediately
Self-Care, Safety, Support, Action, Protection
Had my door locks re-keyed
It came to my mind that I needed, on a fundamental level, to more deeply value and “protect my life”. The next morning I took practical action. I called a locksmith to have my door locks changed. He couldn’t do what I needed but gave me a name to call. He stayed on the phone with me without me asking a single question.
He, on his own, volunteered to tell me which locks to get, to save money by re-keying, what the prices should be, and over and over, he said this: “It’s for your protection”, “I’m thinking of your protection”, “I want you to be protected.” – The locksmith he recommended..? Guardian Angel Locksmith in Los Angeles.
These Guardian Angles came to my door in a white van. In 20 minutes I had all new locks. I felt so, so, so much better. There aren’t words to describe the relief.
Here’s the thing though: That night and longer, did I still sleep with my keys and handbag? Did I still carry all my important ID documents with me, and my laptop and a change of clothes? Did I still shake in a panic that I’d see him, or think he was watching me a hundred times a day? Yep. – And I slept like that until I didn’t.
Got a solid definition of an antisocial psychopath’s mind and memorized it
I instinctively knew to look at things for his reasoning rather than mine. I took on understanding – discovering – how a sociopath’s mind works. – Playing out his actions and crazy words from the point of view of his mind – not mine.
The truth revealed itself hour by hour… It was clear that I could have been anyone to him. Replaceable and faceless. I was a piece of equipment to him. I was interchangeable and replaceable. I developed a deeper and deeper understanding of the sociopath-brain and became stronger and stronger as a result. We have the power. They need us, not the other way round.
After the Break Up Begin to See, Isn’t What We Thought It Was
Taking in the premise that there was not at all in any way, ever a real relationship kept me sane. This kept me away from, why me?!, How could he do this to me?!, How could I have been so stupid?!
I had shaky moments and hours and days – but always went back to a particular and unique “reframing” that I made up out of thin air and gut instinct… this freed me and brought dramatic discoveries about what a sociopath is and about how amazing we are as real humans.
Got support filing annulment papers with an amazing attorney
The annulment process was too overwhelming to take on. Self-serve divorce or annulment might be doable for dissolving a normal marriage – not in this case – not in the aftermath of a sociopath.
An annulment is more complicated; it requires specific proof of fraud. I would not settle for anything but annulment. Divorce was too good for him and not good enough for me. I hired an attorney – who I found through a co-worker.
I was so fortunate and so grateful!— That may not be everyone’s situation — the point is this: let people know what you need. Support might be there in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. Open your heart. And yes, a family member paid for the annulment process in full.
Whatever your faith is – make use of it… This is what I did: I called a leader in a support capacity in SGI. I hadn’t met her more than 3 times in passing. We spoke by phone. I was too spun-out in a state of high-high trauma to tell her my circumstances. I could barely speak coherently.
Plus I knew the details were not important. I said something like: I’m in a serious, serious situation. I’m terrified. There are legal issues. It’s really, really serious. I have no idea what to do, but I have to handle really serious things. I can’t make any mistakes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do any of it.
She said: “Chant that everything you do is the best thing. – No matter what action you take, chant with determination that, this action is the best thing.”
It worked. It saved me. It was hard. I trusted my life. I was kind to myself. – Follow your faith. Embrace your own life.
Talked with my brother and sister daily
There was no one like me to book sessions with. Otherwise, I would have! Instead, I talked to my brother and sister. They had no idea that this was a thing, but they believed me. No judgment.
Did I have these deeply functioning relationships with my siblings already in place? Nope. Before this crisis, I talked with my brother about six times a year; my sister every week or two. He lived in another state; my sister was three miles down the road.
I determined this horror show would be the best thing that ever happened and that benefit would come from this con-man-raid. This was one of those benefits.
Talked daily with one of the con man’s domestic partners in Europe
She was going through what I was. – With his very young child and after four years together to make sense of and recover from. We were united and embraced one another from our first crazed Facebook messages. We discovered his atrocities together. We healed together. We are friends to this day, yet live on two separate continents. There’s power in unity. Human similarities beat out any superficial differences or conflicts.
Mustered the courage and talked to his so-called girlfriends, fiances, and wives.
I talked with anyone he conned – which was anyone and everyone he knew. I did this over a period of months for a critical reason: I needed evidence for my annulment. – The secondary benefit was it brought me home to the fact that my relationship had been an illusion.
That I had been victimized but had the power to not be a victim. Incredibly, I helped clean up his damage – I encouraged those who needed it, including a wife, a fiance, a girlfriend, and two former “employees”. My capacity expanded, my compassion was proven a beautiful thing. Kindness is good. Trust is good. Benevolence is good. Don’t let a con man take that.
Got nutritional supplements for stress and other health issues
The intense stress was killing me. I’m not meaning this metaphorically or in an exaggerated sense. I mean it utterly. – I got specific mega-vitamins to save my long-term health.
I also ate almost nothing, slept very, very little, or in a comatose deep sleep, and had no exercise, just a constant adrenaline rush. Not an advisable way to get through the day, but unavoidable. It’s all temporary. Healing takes time. Let it take as long as it takes. Just keep going.
Got a homeopathic remedy for trauma and grief, loss, and shock
I use homeopathy as my main source of medical care. I took ignatia and arnica to ease the loss and grief. It let my body ease into a place where I could cope and move forward day by day. I couldn’t have made it through without it.
Talked frequently to anyone who would listen
Translate to: I did not blame myself and had no shame or guilt. — This goes back to understanding my sociopath’s mind and accepting that I was his unwitting prey. – I did not victimize myself. This does not mean I wasn’t in shock, fear, grief, and struggled to overcome the experience. It means I gave myself a break, Gave myself the benefit of the doubt.
Reported him to every authority under the sun
Exactly. In detail. Exhaustively. To the police, the District Attorney, Immigration – USCIS, and the FBI. It was the right thing to do. It may not be a crime according to the law books to father seven children and leave them or deceive a woman – many women at once.
To use them, to cause trauma to heart and soul, but: it is a crime to steal. Bigamy is a crime. Immigration fraud is a crime. I didn’t want him to get what he’d tried to take from me spiritually, mentally, financially, or physically. I stood up for my own value. I was loyal to myself.
I drank wine; I don’t normally drink
I don’t recommend drinking. For myself a glass or two of wine every night got me through. After about nine months I didn’t want it anymore – I went back to my normal alcohol intake – which is about one or two drinks – about four times a year. If I had any alcoholic tendencies this nightmare would have brought them to life.
Here’s the thing: if you have addiction issues stay away from pain killers, alcohol, recreational drugs, or anything like them. Please find another way to cope. Don’t let this inhuman, con man or con woman be your downfall! Use him to rise up!!
If You Feel It In Your Gut, It Is So
Don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel that you don’t know enough to realize or can’t make a “diagnosis” and can’t possibly know that this person is a sociopath. Please go with your gut. Please don’t hold back in that pool of thought that this is “only” a narcissist.
We Win
Rise above the fear a con man conjures. Lift yourself out of the doubt anyone around you plants. Take practical and confident steps to resolve any entanglements that his or her sick-frenzy wove in your life. He or she chose you because you are good, capable, and trustworthy.
Because you are loyal, kind, and loving. Everything nice, or good about him or her is an illusion. That face you saw, those black eyes, that other voice…? That’s who they are. After the break up from a sociopath the sociopath’s power is superseded by our shining lives when we are strong, march forward, and keep loving!!
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
So ya met a cutie. And holy-moly, my word do they l-o-v-e- you! It’s nuts! They can’t stop texting, calling, messaging… They are hung-up on you, baby!
Love bombing is the name we give to those flirty texts that don’t stop. The messaging that begins even before a first date and from the moment you meet this gorgeous heart-throb. They often roll-out, day-one with the habitual “good morning beautiful“.
Readers of this website of mine realize that I’m female and can catch bits of my story to know the maniac who I married was male – a male sociopath.
I have however done enough recovery coaching with both males and females pursued by female sociopaths to know that female sociopaths do the same aggressive messaging, initiating the dance of fraud that we think is true love.
Love Bombing is the Tool that Injects Coercive Control
In any case, male, female, non-binary, trans – any gender love has nothing to do with love bombing. Sociopaths have a different brain. Parts of it do not function. The missing part is the part that feels love, connects and bonds with and cares about others.
Sometimes we meet a person who we’re suddenly, magnetically drawn to and it seems like an a-m-a-z-i-n-g person on the face of the earth. Like bananas amazing. This is highly likely a sociopath.
Other times meeting a sociopath right out of the gate we can only think: eeeew, they’re kinda yucky. Sociopaths, as the hunters they are, must persevere and sort through many many people before they hit on that one that clicks.
Mr or Ms Perfect Has That Magic MoJo That Draws Us In
Love bombing is the way sociopaths drive the hook in and reel in their loot: us. Contact with us from their slimy, slithering hypnotic-self is their only method they have to hunt and ensnare prey.
They lay out this barrage of flattery, query, compliment, suggestive-patter of nonsense, declarations of our beauty and all the rest as are their only verbal tool for reeling in a juicy new human.
Their silent charm is the main and most powerful attribute that hooks their intended target. Though we might feel it rising from them and wrapping into our flesh like a human-eating vine, this “charm” is not a skill. They have it from birth. Some become more practiced than others in the little snips of bait and tricks they learn along the way.
Love Bombing is the Predator Getting To Work Hard and Fast
In order to grab us, from moment-one they’ve got to get busy presenting their inherent quality of magnetism (coercive control that we interpret as charm or charisma) through constant contact: that’s all they’ve got.
After all, they’ve been predators and parasites their entire lives. Our response whether immediately tumbling under their inborn quality of hypnotic coercive control, or straining against it in resistance, they are compelled to plunge ahead. – We are the ones who stop it.
Love Bombing Is Bait to Ensnare Life-Sustaining Prey
Even though we feel they do things skillfully and find their tactics as impressive: they are not. Please, let’s set that notion aside when we catch ourselves feeling it.
We see them and interpret what they do as “genius”, or think, “they’re really good at this” because we’d never think of making such brazen or persistent efforts, and because we wouldn’t have this impact on others if we wanted to.
This is because we aren’t innately endowed with dark-and-evil-coercive control. They were simply born with this quality of mesmerizing others as their way to survive.
We, on the other hand, survive and thrive by our natural and DNA-wired quality of connection to others. In order to end the spell, we must break that connection and stop ourselves from continuing it. – They certainly won’t willingly drop the brand new piece of tasty plump human they’ve got by their fangs. – Why would they?
How to Stop Love Bombing
We’ve got myriad options to stop love bombing: but only one of them is effective. Can you decide which is best from those listed here?
Go into witness protection
Hide in a closet
Change our hair color and become vegan
Gain or lose an immense amount of weight and change our career
Hilarious as I am, this is the truth. The only way to effectively stop love bombing is to literally: Stop It.
This – blocking – is the only language or message or action a pathological user understands. It means something to them and gets our message across while removing ourselves from the equation of their hunt. So:
You can do this for free online on your provider’s website and your account
You can call into your provider and they do it for you, usually for a fee
No, it does not ruin your life to change your number; it ruins your life to be involved with a sociopath (and that person you’re calling a narcissist or dark-triad)
On Social Media:
Go to their profile in whichever platform: Twitter, IG, FB and use the menu options to find: block, and then block them
In Email:
In Gmail if that’s what you use, go to an email they’ve sent you on a laptop or desktop so you can see all available functions
Look to the far right of the message along the top
There’s a menu icon as three gray dots in a vertical line
Click this and hold
A list of menu options will drop down
Select block predator-idiot from about midway down.
All email platforms have a method to block senders; Google how to do so relating to your platform whether Yahoo, AOL or whatever it might be
We Don’t Need Them: They Need Us
Going No Contact by Blocking
Blocking during the early days of initial love bombing or after twelve ragged years of torment – either way and at any time, this is the only way to end the love bombing, hoovering, insults, flattery, promises, lies: stop all that bait.
Set yourself free by blocking, blocking, blocking. That would be the answer. We test many possibilities to end it, from hoping we can just say to them: I’m not interested, to please don’t call me anymore. None of that normal human stuff is going to have an effect. In fact, that simply gives them something to work with to haul us in.
Believe this: they are used to people blocking them. It won’t be a surprise. It will make them rage because they don’t like to lose their toys, but you won’t have to see that – because you blocked them! Congratulations!!!!
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach (CPC, CMC) upholding ICF standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Believe women. How is disbelief of women still a thing in the 21st century? Why aren’t women talking about abuse believed?
Believe women. How is it this needs to be said? What is going on that in the 21st century women are still disbelieved when we speak out about a fake-lationship under narcissistic abuse and coercive control…?
Why are women disbelieved when we talk about narcissistic abuse, marital rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence? And what is the cost of this disbelief?
When we’re not believed at a crucial moment we realize we matter little. It’s shocking. Being disbelieved sets us up for further abuse, loss, betrayal, grief, and anger that runs deep.
We can start from right there, wherever we are, and use our feelings and circumstances as a springboard and a function to make change rather than in pain.
Post the traumatic event, we want new. Afterward, we urgently want a new place. Or a new job, different friends, maybe a new name. Take it one thing at a time.
You’d think at the end of things, we’d be relieved. And we are. And then the post-trauma hits. Post-trauma… after the departure from the monster, well this is when we “freak out”. And rightly so. After any kind of traumatic event, at the end of it, that’s when things hit us emotionally.
This is normal. In the aftermath we have a sense of urgency. It’s incredibly common in post-trauma to feel we need to move, to change, to go, go, go to get out of here. To vacate the scene of the crime.
Post-trauma is rife with too much. Too much to be dealt with. Too much to figure out. Too much to explain. Clear things up for ourselves. Think of it as weeding the garden.
In the post-trauma and even further along in the post-post-trauma we need things streamlined, cleared up, and cleaned out. Make life as simple as possible.
There’s so much to manage. Things that aren’t truly supporting our life and our restoration are simply and truly too much. Dump ’em like sorting out rusty hinges and broken tricycles and tattered stained curtains. Here are some things we can do to weed our garden.
Got the blahs…? Need some pandemic entertainment? Whether solo or with a family group, these cookies hit the spot.
This might not be the space we’re all in… but oh my gosh. If you’re feeling this pandemic like I am, today is especially tough. Don’t know why but it seems I got hit with it somewhere in the middle of the night and woke up with a slowly dawning sense of blah.
I’m well and far away from the days of con man related trauma and recovery. Many of us are in the thick of it. And where ever we are we’re in the midst of this world crisis and it’s hitting us all.
Hoax or Real
Whether you believe the numbers and are isolating or even more so if you feel it’s all a hoax to take away our freedoms, there’s much, much trauma we’re each and all sustaining.
Here’s what I did for my Covid19 housebound blues.
After a bit of indulgent lounging I made myself get up off the couch.
Then I pulled out the old keyboard to share with you a recipe I whipped up just the other day.
Trauma often calls for comfort food. And in this case, be sure to take notice: give ourselves the recognition and acknowledgment that we’re freakin’ amazing. We went through and thrive after a con man hijacking… and we’ll win in 2020!
Creativity and Action Keep Us Mentally Okay
A few days ago, I made peanut butter cookies, but not-peanut-butter cookies! I substituted the 1/2 a cup of peanut butter in the recipe for cashew butter that I had in the back of the fridge, and: added chopped raw walnuts! Yay!!!
I’ll tell you, I thought about making these cookies for a week at least before I finally got the motivation to do it. It was great because not only did I end up with amazing-so-delicious cookies, it led me to clean the kitchen up before I did the baking!
These cookies are the kind of delicious that I ate a bunch of the dough raw, and actually held some back, rolled them into tiny balls and froze them. They will later be inserted into Haggen Daz Vanilla ice cream. – Yah, it’s that kind of life right now. And that’s okay.
(Not Peanut Butter) Chewy Cashew Butter Cookies
Ingredients
1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup cashew butter (or almond butter or peanut butter)
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened (If you only have salted butter cut the salt by half; use only 1/4 teaspoon.)
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
3/4 cup chopped walnuts (or pecans or peanuts)
Parchment paper or extra butter to grease the cookie sheet
How To Make ‘Em
Lay the butter out to soften at room temperature
Measure the flour, salt, and baking soda into a bowl and blend
In a separate small bowl beat the egg and then stir in the vanilla
Measure the white and brown sugar together into another small bowl.
Cream the softened butter and the sugars together
Now mix the nut butter into the butter/sugar mixture
Then mix the butter/sugar/nut butter combo into the flour a bit at a time
Add the walnuts or pecans
Bake at 350 for 10 Minutes
Place by tablespoon full on parchment paper covered cookie sheet
If no parchment paper daub butter in each spot where you’re going to lay a cookie on the baking tray
Bake for approx ten minutes at 350
Be sure to not over bake
Let the cookies sit on the pan to cool down for 5 minutes
Transfer the cookies to a wire rack or anywhere handy honestly in this time of crisis
Store in an airtight container
So yum… They won’t be around long!
Here’s the original recipe I converted the peanut butter to cashew butter
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As a certified coach upholding ICF standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. We decide what winning is. We win.
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Sleeping solo while Mr. Wonderful snores in the next room? Tired from relentless sexual attention? She’s claiming she’s a virgin? Wish they’d stop with the camera already?
Sociopaths’ sexual traits are things that are hard to fathom. Our sexual experience with them can be mind blowingly “incredible sex”, no sex and sexual rejection, and much, much worse. We look to the sex to signify a relationship and the state of a relationship because the heart of any normal romantic relationship is the physical expression of love.
The thing is, in these situations, from their side of it, love’s got nothing to do with it. If you’ve been in it you’ve seen that people without a conscious and an actual heart aren’t having loving relationships that play out well or nicely. Let’s win by using this experience to expand our own humanity.
Deception Isn’t Sexy But Sex Hides Deception
These freaks take advantage of our normalness. This combined with their innate and natural power of influence, and our lack of understanding that they exist and what that means: we’re bound.
The thing is, there isn’t anything going on with one of these characters originating in a pure purpose or from a relatable kind of motivation. Not unless we include eating, sleeping, and using the facilities. This is where they stop being anything close to wholesome or normal.
Nothing a sociopath or that person you’re calling a narcissist or narc does is motivated by, inspired by, or grounded in the same things we care about or consider important. This is incredible to take in. And there’s nothing more confounding and painful in these faux-lationships than the sexual traits of a sociopath. If you’re recognizing these traits in the narc or narcissist, consider thinking of them as a sociopath for deeper understanding and an expanded change of healing and freedom.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
Dr. Robert Hare is famous for putting together the “sociopath checklist“. The now well-known list of 20 characteristics of an antisocial psychopath, the sociopath aka psychopath.
Dr. Hare’s list is developed from his own years of clinical research of mainly imprisoned sociopaths. There are a lot of them behind bars.
However, his list is missing personal detail. And rightly so, since his list isn’t based on living with one, dating one, marrying one, or having a child with one of these surreal beasts.
Unless You’ve Been In It You Don’t Know It
Dr. Hare may be a wonderful researcher, but here’s the thing: he did not suffer the economic disaster of sharing a life with one of these maniacs under the umbrella and spell of their influence and fraud. And I’m guessing he didn’t sleep with one, because Dr. Hare’s sociopath checklist is missing a few things. Anyone who’s been in bed with a parasitic predator can tell you more than any researcher can.
Dr. Hare’s Sociopath Checklist Is Missing a Few Things
20 Traits of Sociopaths’ Sexuality:
Lay down the basis that a parasitic predator creates “who they are” by weaving tall tales, stories of woe, and a fabric of loose threads held together by our view of the world as normal people who believe what people say and paint in benevolent backgrounds to those things they tell us. And so, let the stories begin:
Reluctant Virgin: Some sociopaths claim sexual inexperience or innocence or (fake) religious beliefs to hold off on sex and keep from having sex. This can be a great ploy for the female sociopath to entice prey into a marriage with a “virgin bride”. This false stance works equally well when claimed by the male sociopath and is commonly used by any sociopath or narcissist.
Another element of pain within this setup is that the normal woman or man that they present this lie to then feels really badly about themselves and shame or embarrassed for wanting sexual intimacy. – It also makes the normal and deceived person try harder to make the relationship work. This “trying harder” doesn’t go unnoticed by the predator.
The nut job pathological user simply wants out of having sex with us; they have though definitely noticed that this false claim of sexual reluctance and innocence tames and subdues their prey.
After all, which of us normal people can go against someone’s religious beliefs or sexual inexperience, when both of these are socially and culturally touted as “good”? We’re not going to balk at that but try to meet it. – So much malarkey.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Rather than being in love or even remotely in like, the sociopathic predator sees us as an object. Many of them like to take photos of the objects around them, and we are one of those objects.
The Producer: Make no mistake, even while playing the reluctant virgin with one target, the very same sociopath might be the producer in the bedroom with another target.
Taking photos and videos of themselves, and of the person they’ve roped into their spell who’s sprawled spread-eagle, or backside-up, or in some other compromising and irregular position much to their own surprise is the order of the day for the sexual “producer”. These escapades often include the introduction of forced consumption of drugs or alcohol.
Turn Over Rover
Ever notice the sociopathic parasite in your life hinting, asking, demanding or forcing you to go anal…? And then there’s their radically paradoxical opinion to contrast that preference.
They Like The Backside of Things: Male sociopaths have a thing for anal sex. Not all of us are shown this “delightful” (not) trait. Many of us are shown this either in practice or the wishes they directly express or we suspect it.
Are Against Homosexuality: Oh, good gravy… What’s that phrase about protesting too much? Well, they do it. Male sociopaths proclaim to be “against being gay” or that they don’t “believe in” homosexuality. They say that they think it’s a sin, a “choice”, and anything else to put it down and play it down and scandalize it.
These sentiments might not be expressed often, but always emphatically. And they tell stories about it. And ask questions about it. More like they’re fascinated by it… and do it.
It Isn’t Personal
When the human beings around you are an object; when their emotions aren’t something you experience, or understand…or care about, there is no love, no concern, no care about who it is you stick it to. The focus is on what you can gain. And so, none of this is about you as the normal person in their grip, it’s about what they want as entertainment or material things or what they need as a respectability façade.
They abandon our bed. There are excuses they make for leaving the “couple bed”. Or not. They just do it.
Have Sex With Any Gender: Unbeknownst to us, they are out there, doing it with pretty much anyone of absolutely any gender under the sun. In essence, sociopaths are genderless themselves.
Any Age Fills the Bill: Children, adults, teens, older, elderly… it matters little. Any person is viable prey.
So Many, So Many People All at Once: Sociopaths are very, very busy ensnaring prey. It is literally their job. And sex is the number one tool to bring in and land prey. In any given week the number of people they’re sexually active with is potentially unlimited. And then in some cases, they seem to sit home and remain sexually-solo in front of their laptops.
Sociopaths Bind Prey with Sex
Every predatory parasite needs to be able to hang on to their prey. Otherwise, there’s no dinner.
Sex is a Binding Tool: These people need us. We don’t need them. Sexual encounters mean something to us and also, quite conveniently for the sociopath, have an actual physiological effect on us that inspires a deep bond within us towards the person we do it with. – They don’t bond, they bind.
These freaks take advantage of our normalness. This combined with their innate and natural power of influence, and our lack of understanding that they exist and what that means: we’re bound. Sex is a powerful binding tool.
Is Anybody There?
These are non-human “people”. There’s no one recognizably human in there when you get to see it. When they let us see it. Eyes are the window to the soul. When they show you, believe it.
We are connecting, bonding, beautiful, and good inside and out. Embrace your own sweet life with compassion.
Sex Is Not Out of Love: They don’t love anyone. Really. This is so hard to take. These nut bags are not “attracted” to anyone.
They Make No Eye Contact: During sex forget about long, loving eye gazing. Even in daily life the sociopath rarely looks us in the eye. When they do it’s because they’re gleaning info about how to snag and pass as normal people “better” in order to make more use and for longer of real and normal people
During sex, they might look at us, or in our direction, but truly their million-yard stare is aimed off who-knows-where into the distance. Some of us are given a deep and scary stare that goes right through us.
Sociopaths Absent Themselves from Sex: Withholding
Hey, once you’re locked in place, let’s face it.. There’s no other interest in us once the cookie jar is open, the ATM accessible and all that kind of stuff, because they are not “attracted” to anyone either physically or emotionally.
Withhold Sex: Unbelievably, while they need sexual contact with their prey in order to ensnare them into one-on-one personal love scams, they don’t really like this sex. The sociopath, seen as so sexual and “so good at sex”, has no actual desire to knock boots with us.
We see through them, or we ask so many questions they falter in their confidence that they can carry on the fraud. They end it or we do because these things can’t last.
It’s extremely common that the sociopath, both male, and female, withdraws sexual activity from primary prey once we’re established in their lives. that is once we’re months into a “relationship” where we live together.
What’s happening is that as soon as we’re locked in after that first solid few weeks, their sexual capacity and quota are going to other places to bind other newer prey. They don’t like to do more work than needed. In light of this and as a common-sense aspect in anyone’s life: they need to put their time and attention where it brings them benefit.
And omg, does this sudden slide into being rejected or ignored sexually make us sad! It confounds us. It leaves us – naturally and bizarrely – finding signs of true love in small things, such as in the way they make us coffee in the morning. Or layout our workout clothes. Or kiss the dog goodbye before they go out. Uuuuhhhhg. This is a natural and normal human response to declare markers of their affection in other places when they turn off the sex.
There’s No Protection From Their Side
Let’s face, these nut bags just don’t give a bleep about anyone but themselves. There is no capacity within them to care about anyone’s safety or protection…or anything else.
Do Not Wear Condoms: When they do get down to it they aren’t wearing a sheath. The nutter I was married to carried condoms with him everywhere. In his pocket were gold foil-wrapped Trojans.
To my knowledge, he never unwrapped one and applied it to his body. And I talked with three of the women he was preying upon, so that confirmed at least four of us all at once. There were more. There are always more.
STDs Are Another One of Their Secrets: If (when) they get one we won’t know unless we get it from them or are contacted by someone else who did. These nutbags just are not going to tell us. So many surreptitious STD exams go on in their world. They know they have an illness, they don’t care if we get it.
Sociopaths and Erectile Dysfunction (Non-Function)
There are myriad excuses coming from them, especially the male sociopath about why they can’t get an erection. And many of them – regardless of their age – can’t get or sustain what they need to carry out intercourse, or convey that they’re “attracted” and desire us as a normal man would. To avoid this, many, at any age pop Viagra and such.
Sociopaths Can’t Keep It Up: Well, yah… I mean, realize, they aren’t genuinely into it in an emotional way. They don’t experience “attraction” in the way that we do. So… Once the excitement of entrapping someone is over, things can go pretty limp.
Viagra Is Their Middle Name: So many of them just can’t do it or keep things up without chemical aids. Viagra is common. Then there’s the darker side including MDMA, GHB/GBL, or something to knock us out such as a roofie cocktail, maybe weed laced with ketamine so that they can do things that should not ever be done to anyone or so that we don’t notice there was no sex.
Party of Three
Another method to avoid a one-on-one personal sexual situation is to add in participants. This takes the focus off of their lack of human-like involvement, emotion, ability to be genuinely present and all the rest. And, some of them just think this is fun. Something like seeing how many people they can get to put on a show for them at once. – Or they skip the whole thing.
Let’s win by using this nightmare to serve the function of leading us to expand our lives. Embrace and deepen our own amazing capacity for bonding, love, and trust.
Threesomes: And polyamory or swinger parties. Open marriages, swaps. Polyamory. (Eye roll.) The introduction of these things by telling us a story about other people who do this is bait. It’s a way to talk about what they do and have done and to monitor how we feel about it. They want to feel us out to see if we might join in. They want to discover if they need to keep these habits of theirs under wraps or if they can admit to it and we’ll still stay hooked.
Sleep in Another Room: They abandon our bed. There are excuses they make for leaving the “couple bed”. Or not. They just do it. It happens in the case of primary prey, meaning us who see ourselves as the spouse or domestic partner. Those of us in these live-in or marriage roles are mostly sleeping solo. Sex is withheld or severely modified down to next to nothing. Be glad about this. Be glad. This is the best it could be for your emotional, mental and physical health.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Porn Night and Day
You might think they have a porn addiction. It’s not an addiction… it’s a result of having no emotion in the game. Porn is a way to pass the time. It’s entertainment. It can be violent and gruesome, and hey, that’ seven more entertaining to many parasitic predators.
Porn, Morning, Noon, and Night: Good gravy. We might see this. Maybe we discover it after they’re gone. Sometimes we’re asked to partake in it, however, usually, it’s their private, secret – obsessive – sexual activity. Within the realm of porn, anything goes and the sociopath will have a specific penchant. MW, MM, WW, kids, animals, “shemales”, ladyboys with all the options and whatever their “thing” is.
BDSM, Debauchery, Degradation: Bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism, h.i.d.e.o.u.s form of making use of others and for getting off on harming others. There are some who ask to be pooped on, peed on, and Heaven’s to Betsy, whatever else they think of. This dynamic is often induced with the aid of varying drugs or alcohol.
Sex Workers: A pathological parasitic predator has no issues with hiring- or using a sex worker. They can also easily sell themselves. Being an “escort” is an easy-peasy job for them. Their entire life is about pretending, and nothing is off limits.
The Sad Truth Serves Up Freedom
In all of this, there are only a few variations. The truth of it is, every sociopath is alike in motivation, thinking, beliefs that “everything is theirs” and that supreme sense of their own amazingness.
These people of psychopathy vary one from the other only in a few ways. They vary in: how much drug use, how much violence and when, the depths of their sexual deep-end, the law-book crimes in their repertoire, the number of kids, spouses and fiances and significant others they have at any one time or tucked in their “past”.
Also if they gamble or not (seems to be an either-or), how many places they live at once, how many towns, cities, or countries they function within. You get the scene here. This stuff isn’t a maybe, it’s how much.
Win As We Untangle the Deception
As hard and gross and sickening as this is to take in, I hope that for each and every one of us reading this there’s some validation in seeing that you’re not the only one with this experience. We weren’t “devalued” though we felt that way. We weren’t “discarded” though it can seem so and hurts. The reality is: the sociopath failed and bailed.
The jig is up. It ends. We see through them, or we ask so many questions they falter in their confidence that they can carry on the fraud. They end it or we do because these things can’t last. These are crimes of deception rather than relationships. Their reason for being here is not the same as ours.
Let’s win by using this nightmare to serve the function of leading us to expand our lives. Embrace and deepen our own amazing capacity for bonding, love, and trust. We’re connecting, beautiful, and good inside and out. Wrap your own sweet self with compassion.
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
So! You’ve just met someone new! Out of the blue and you’re on cloud nine. Vibin’ like crazy!
Have you had that incoming early morning text: good morning beautiful? A few hours later: you’re on my mind. Another text: I miss you. Afternoon text: I can’t stop thinking of your smile… Late-night text: what did you do today? And later night text: sleep tight.
I know how amazing it feels! And also I know that if it had stayed feeling good, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I’m so sorry you crossed paths with someone who can drop you like a hot potato like it was all nothing. – Because you are not nothing. You’re real and amazing and you’re gorgeous inside and out.
This is a tough one to take. But, these creatures love no one. Not me, you, her, him…not even their own babies. So, why do sociopaths have babies?
Why do sociopaths have babies? Maybe you’re calling them a “narcissist” and here we all are… We’ve had children with this partner or spouse thinking we’re building a family. As time passes, and maybe from early on, we notice they aren’t quite participating the way we expected in the pregnancy, the birth or child rearing.
They easily withdraw financially, emotionally and even physically. It’s common for male sociopaths to show up for the birth and take photos holding the newborn, posing as a proud parent. As the weeks and years go by we watch them abuse their kids, control them, steal from them, use them, manipulate, and ignore them, and even abandon their children… So, why do sociopaths bother having children? – Let’s find out.
