Post the traumatic event, we want new.
Afterward, we urgently want a new place.
Or a new job, different friends,
maybe a new name.
Take it one thing at a time.
You’d think at the end of things, we’d be relieved. And we are. And then the post-trauma hits. Post-trauma… after the departure from the monster, well this is when we “freak out”. And rightly so. After any kind of traumatic event, at the end of it, that’s when things hit us emotionally.
This is normal. In the aftermath we have a sense of urgency. It’s incredibly common in post-trauma to feel we need to move, to change, to go, go, go to get out of here. To vacate the scene of the crime.
Post Trauma Clear Out is Normal
And aside from the immense trauma that we went through being entrapped in a faux-lationship, it’s normal at any life-changing point whether traumatic or positive, it’s normal to want to refresh things.
In this case, whew. We want to clean out, to dump things, and start again with everything or anything from the bedding to our hair color to sometimes even our names.
More than a few of us are thinking: Is there any witness protection program for the aftermath?
Post Trauma Response is Normal
After getting them gone a bomb goes off. This is when the stuff hits the fan. It’s surprising, you’d think you’d just plain old feel better after they go. This is not the case.
in the post-trauma we come out of the frozen-deer-in-head-lights-state and have a swirling soup of emotions and thoughts including compelling urges to move, leave, go away, change everything. This is a natural response to leaving the sustained long-term trauma behind.
The driving force behind this PTSD is yet another wonderful trait human beings have: we care deeply for our lives and our safety and for our children’s safety and happiness. PTSD directs us to make sure we’re safe as innate protection and survival instinct in a time of critical danger.
After a sociopath-escape there are absolutely some things to initiate, plan, and handle. The thing is: some of those impulses are going to calm down. And truly and really, no matter what: we don’t need to do these things all at once.
Post Trauma Get Me Outta Here
Home Isn’t Sweet Anymore
If we live with the sociopath in their property or apartment: yes, we must move out. If the events took place within our own home they must leave. Then we dig in and make our place a home again.
Getting a new bed, couch, or replacing other furniture that we used frequently with the monster-faker is a great idea. I repainted tables and a garden bench and a few other pieces. I replaced others altogether.
This can be done on the cheap at yard sales, Craig’s List, even roadside finds in some cities. – Paint a single wall a contrasting color, get a new piece of art on Etsy or a framed poster of something meaningful to us. The security of staying put can be much more valuable than uprooting ourselves with a move.
Everybody Knows My Story: They Don’t Get It
A New Job
Possibly. If we worked with the nutter – maybe more so we want to consider this. However, many times it will be the sociopath who moves on. They do know what they’ve done, and we aren’t the first or the only person in the very same workplace they’ve harmed.
Familiarity and Comfort
While we’re agitated and distracted the familiar takes less attention and concentration and energy. Before we rush in and quite our job, think about the process of job-hunting and interviewing. Stressful.
If we can stay where we are and dig in with renewed vigor we ultimately build a stronger life after the sociopath than before the sociopath true love scam.
As long as the people we work with aren’t sociopaths (it happens) the security, rhythm, and routine of sticking with coworkers, bosses, employees that we know and are familiar with can be a comfort while we journey from hell and back.
We may be surprised at the compassion our coworkers have for us. It’s another beautiful thing we see about our lives with new appreciation. The innate qualities of goodness in human beings are stunningly gorgeous.
Post-trauma and the inability to hold a pencil; it happens.
Co-workers who already know us are more likely to give us some slack and support vs. a new employer who might wonder what’s up with us and assume we’re not cut out for the work and maybe fire us early on – that’s more trauma and loss we definitely don’t need.
Wash that Sociopath Right Out of Our Life
Change our Name
If we were married and took their name: yes! Change back to our birth name or “real name” asap on every document and every account we have. Legally this is an automatic step available within divorce or annulment.
There’s a line on the papers where you enter the preferred legal name which is ours at the moment the Judge grants the dissolution of marriage.
Otherwise, keep our name. Changing our name or even making our email something that reflects the trouble will only haunt us later and feel disingenuous. Remain who we are and become more ourselves.
Out With the Old
Change out Hair, Our Clothes
Doing something drastic to our appearance isn’t recommended when we’re in the aftermath of a sociopath – the trauma can lead us to think some huge change is a good idea… locking the bathroom door and giving ourselves a buzz cut late one night is not the way to go.
Except hair does grow again! But – more than likely if we cut off our long hair to an asymmetrical, pixie cut we’ll be regretting the loss of our gorgeous locks.
A few months more down the road, a fresh look is a super idea. Dramatic color changes are best for later along with the recovery trial, but some highlights or a lift in the early days – absolutely, go for it. New clothes, a new handbag, sandals, jewelry, or a scarf. Absolutely. Refresh, revive as we can.
Familiarity, Trust, Support, Compassion
Seek familiarity, support, acceptance, comfort. Listen to our hearts. We do know what we need. If there’s any indecision, wait. The critical things will be clear even if scary to take care of. Seek support in parsing out what’s essential and which steps to take.
Know this: we don’t have to make all our decisions right away or all at once. We’ll know what to do when we know.
Be patient with ourselves. Embrace our own lives with compassion. Be loving and kind to ourselves. Tell ourselves – really – as in say out loud: “I don’t know what to do right now. That’s okay. I’ll know later.” And indeed, we will.
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