Like the Cat in the Hat, the troublemaker comes back. Hoovering. What’s a person to do?
Hoovering is annoying and scary. The threat of hoovering is beyond the imagination of anyone who hasn’t been in this kind of nightmare. Anyone leaving a relationship replete with narcissistic abuse knows that in the end, things get scary. We can put an end to hoovering.
The “narcissist” – that is to say, the sociopath – lets out a side of themselves that might be our first glimpse at their genuine absolute wack-o-self. It’s all in the name of attempting to keep us locked in and to be sure we aren’t getting them in trouble.
After a breakup of this magnitude is a chaotic upheaval of despair. We can heal using the very traits they chose us for. Our own compassion, kindness, and open-heartedness are our own saving grace.
The break-up involves paralyzing fear. Anxiety, fragility, doubt, and confusion. The trauma and grief in the aftermath in the wake of their lies are singular.
Unless you’ve been in one of these fraudulent set-ups before this sad, mad, dazed-of-mind, and out-of-body trip will be a mystery. The amazing news is: there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s everything right with you. Not even in the aftermath which hits like a ton of bricks.
There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
Everything you’re feeling and thinking is normal. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with us. There iseverything wrong with the antisocial psychopathwho just walked out the door. We’re in post-traumatic stress, PTSD. This is with good reason… we’ve been in a sustained attack.
Sociopaths (what so many people call a “narcissist”) take our material possessions and rape and pillage our hearts, our emotions, our lives, and our souls. In the aftermath of a sociopath, it’s time to give ourselves the loyalty, the benefit of the doubt, and care that’s been siphoned off by them – for their own personal gain – until we’re wrung out.
When I saw the monster I had married; when I knew hard facts in addition to the sickening feeling in my gut, the truth tore wide open. Small-huge words came out of my body on an exhale: “I want you to leave.” It felt like the only sound in the whole universe at that moment.
As my words hit his comprehension, the once handsome face of this conman “husband” went stone-blank. It was kind of funny seeing him at a loss, knowing his scam was blown up. It was also terrifying. I stayed still, calm, quiet, and watchful.
Surprisingly Calm In the Face of Absolute Danger
He sat at his desk – his throne of operations looking as if he were deep in thought over some important point. Heavy quiet filled the space. I had become the power in the room. He was now the hunted.
My life, my mind instantly and automatically shifted itself into a primal realm I’d never known before. – I recognized this space of beyond-bizarre for what it was; this was his normal. A world without a floor, without limits and of life and death, and of infinite evil.
The Truth Breaks the Mesmerized Devotion
How it Went Down: After the break up from the sociopath – meaning when I saw many shocking things three days in a row, culminating in me telling him to leave – I had an abrupt and total break of any and all positive or affectionate feelings for my faux-husband, – The entire jerry-rigged universe he made with me blew sky-high. All good feelings I had for him blasted to smithereens. In a three-day span, the spell he held me under was irrevocably broken. I woke up to myself. I was very fortunate. – For him, the end came unexpectedly – too abruptly and before he was ready, leaving him in the lurch. He’d been planning to take off because I was merely for a US green card as it turns out. But his timing was off. He hadn’t anticipated me. He wasn’t prepared: he had no ready jumping-off place, no prepped and willing prey to fully move on to – or more to the point no one readied to move in with for a place to sleep. And because of me, he also now had no vehicle, no credit cards, and was going to have his green card revoked, and potentially be deported. He was furious and panicked. A cornered wild animal.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up With Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories as told in their own words. From being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
After the breakup moment, I saw true things I hadn’t seen before, sharply in focus. He sat at my desk — in my Aeron chair, in myhome. His only possession, his sleek, new MAC Airbook – not even truly his, but bought for him by another woman-of prey, living in South America while he was here and married to me.
She thought that he lived with her – there. And was here for work. And here to get them a place to live and bring her and the baby over to join him! — This globe-trotting scammer had more than a baker’s dozen of us all “believing” all at once different versions of who it is he was in our lives… And what his life was.
He’d moved in with m… I’d turned my whole place around to accommodate him. My home became his adopted Head Quarters. – His “Scam Central” of the moment. Turns out all this is a common situation when we’re ensnared by a pathological parasitic predator, and in truth: they have no home.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound: The Podcast
A Sociopath’s (Narcissist’s) Prey Is Their Survival
This was my home now his hijacked lair. He leaned back in my chair, swiveling in deliberation as he calculated who to Facebook, email, and Instagram. Which chat room or Meet-Up to join.
Sending his venom and lies and deception virtually every possible waking moment to scourge up more victims – while he lived in a fake relationship with me, eating my food and using me for a cook, a laundress, and shelter. This was all he had; this was all he was.
I was his Internet Provider. His Grub-Shack. His Shower & Shave Pit Stop. His On-the-House-Boarding-House. (Other people were his Sex-Doll. This I, fortunately, did not suffer.) I began to remove each little drip of benefit to him in staying. But, he was stymied. He stalled his departure for ten gruesome, blood-chilling days.
A Bevy or a Gaggle of Prey is Required for The Sociopath
He had no other bait hooked deeply enough to be able to jump into their home. There were a few prospects, in a few different locations – none were Move-in-Ready. So, he hibernated, sleeping for three days and nights. Then he sprang into action.
Usually a night owl, he lingered in a morning laze under blankets, lounging on my Sixpenny down filled sofa texting, and watching videos on YouTube so this was an abrupt change, striking my heart with cold fear and watchfulness.
One morning I watched him. Since it was clear he was on his way out the door I let in a glimmer of amusement mixed in with that fear, standing observing him… and as if I wasn’t even there he slithered out the door, shaved and shiny-faced at 7:46 am. Silently, stealthfully: he was alert, coiled, and ready to strike.
Sociopaths (Narcissists) are Shameless and Relentless
Though he knew the game was up, he didn’t give up. Apparently what he was doing up so early was car shopping: in other words, trying to get a car loan. no-go. He was denied, He actually haphazardly left the paperwork out. I checked to make sure he wasn’t trying to use my name on anything and saw that he’d been denied a loan.
It followed then that one afternoon he tried to work me over again for a car. If it weren’t so scary, from another angle it was hilarious and pathetic. Of course, I had a feeble story to tell him about how sorry I was, but “no”. And that it was “impossible” because of something I had done. Hilarious. I was maneuvering him out of my life.
His words of disgust towards me spat like poison from his gob and in a few text messages after he stormed out the door… So be it… as long as I could see that this was driving him out because there was nothing here to get, I could take his stupid words.
Fabricated Stories Cover Real Desperation
Then, on the final day, realizing there was nothing at all here for him and that the ship was about to be submerged he finally put me through a test to be sure – specifically – that I wouldn’t turn him in to the authorities. That I wasn’t angry or going for revenge. That I wasn’t planning to come after him for stealing my jewelry, money, and art, and: that I wasn’t going to get USCIS, U.S. Immigration running after him like a dog catcher with a net.
I realized this was happening before he opened up with his performance. I went along with his improvisation. I soothed him, as he (fake) blubbered and sobbed…
Waterworks Signal the Sociopath’s Desperation
Liquid slicked down his face in sheets. It was meant to be tears. He wove a sob story about his father. This gruesome demon’s back story on his dad had been that his father had beaten him so badly, so often, and been so mean to him and unfair in his treatment of him compared to his other siblings that he’d left home to France at the age of 12, all on his own to get away from his dad.
Now suddenly, this same dad had a dream that made him reach out… A dream that entailed a premonition of his son in jail in the United States caused his dad to suddenly call him after ten years of not speaking..? A miracle!! Really? So how the heck did daddy have his cell phone number? Surely phone number 510 within the last ten years.
The Coupe de Grâce
When he dropped this punch line, my dad had a dream (sob, sob, hand covering face) his son in jail in united states (bend over, sob, lift his head to peek at me), I almost laughed out loud. He was gauging what I’d do when he left. He was attempting to see how safe it was for him to leave.
Everything the pathological parasitic predator says or does is about them. They’re totally absorbed in the need to do whatever they want or need to do, and in not being stopped. This singular focus is unwavering and is present in their consciousness at all times.
Behind that desire and need is the driving force of their very survival. Sociopaths are primal. Raw. They live in a space we have never been – because our world is safe unless we live in a nation of oppression, extreme poverty, or a war zone.
Lying To Save My Life
I let him think he was safe. He wasn’t. I gently said in a near whisper of shock and dismay and concern for his safety (ha), Oh, that would never happen, and stroked his back. I was maneuvering him out of my life. It worked.
Within seconds he was up out of that chair, face as dry as could be, with no physical or emotional signs of anguish or tears. He said, I need some air, and walked out the door; he was gone until sometime in the wee hours of the morning. this indicated to me that the felt secure that I wasn’t a threat and was back to his usual prowling. – hunting down a place to hop off to so he could make a run for it while I still “loved” him!! hilarious.
When the Goodies Are Gone: the Sociopath Moves On
The most significant thing I did was lie. And lie more. I told him I couldn’t pay the internet bill. Without the internet, his main-line source of hunting prey was over in this joint!
The next day he had new suitcases, a new SUV, and $1,000 cash in his sweaty fist. The next day while I was at work he called my cell phone. I didn’t pick it up. I knew this was his exit.
He wasn’t there when I got home. Crooked, tangled empty hangers hung in the closet. Chests of drawers gaped loose like sad drooping hungry mouths. He was gone. The stillness was chilling. …Then the real terror came.
Terror Sets In
The aftermath of a sociopath struck with a vengeance. I didn’t know I’d felt safer while he was under the same roof: because with him in my home, I knew where he was. Now he could be anywhere: following me, watching me… I felt like he could turn the doorknob at any minute even after I had the locks changed that very afternoon.
But I had to handle a truck-load-of-serious, move fast, and could not collapse in relief or grief or fear or despair. I didn’t have time to say, “What the bleep was all that?!” – I had to protect and save my life.
Sociopaths count on our fear of them.I could sway him in much stronger measure than his darkness could reach me. When we don’t believe anymore – they shudder with fear, because in essence, without us and others believing them: they do not exist.
I took steps to take care of myself on every front immediately, the practical, legal, spiritual – and for mental, physical, and emotional health. A sort of super-human capability took over my body and piloted me through each hour, each day that followed. – And I will tell you, I did this without a penny of livable income or savings.
After the Break Up, This Is What I Did Immediately
Self-Care, Safety, Support, Action, Protection
Had my door locks re-keyed
It came to my mind that I needed, on a fundamental level, to more deeply value and “protect my life”. The next morning I took practical action. I called a locksmith to have my door locks changed. He couldn’t do what I needed but gave me a name to call. He stayed on the phone with me without me asking a single question.
He, on his own, volunteered to tell me which locks to get, to save money by re-keying, what the prices should be, and over and over, he said this: “It’s for your protection”, “I’m thinking of your protection”, “I want you to be protected.” – The locksmith he recommended..? Guardian Angel Locksmith in Los Angeles.
These Guardian Angles came to my door in a white van. In 20 minutes I had all new locks. I felt so, so, so much better. There aren’t words to describe the relief.
Here’s the thing though: That night and longer, did I still sleep with my keys and handbag? Did I still carry all my important ID documents with me, and my laptop and a change of clothes? Did I still shake in a panic that I’d see him, or think he was watching me a hundred times a day? Yep. – And I slept like that until I didn’t.
Got a solid definition of an antisocial psychopath’s mind and memorized it
I instinctively knew to look at things for his reasoning rather than mine. I took on understanding – discovering – how a sociopath’s mind works. – Playing out his actions and crazy words from the point of view of his mind – not mine.
The truth revealed itself hour by hour… It was clear that I could have been anyone to him. Replaceable and faceless. I was a piece of equipment to him. I was interchangeable and replaceable. I developed a deeper and deeper understanding of the sociopath-brain and became stronger and stronger as a result. We have the power. They need us, not the other way round.
After the Break Up Begin to See, Isn’t What We Thought It Was
Taking in the premise that there was not at all in any way, ever a real relationship kept me sane. This kept me away from, why me?!, How could he do this to me?!, How could I have been so stupid?!
I had shaky moments and hours and days – but always went back to a particular and unique “reframing” that I made up out of thin air and gut instinct… this freed me and brought dramatic discoveries about what a sociopath is and about how amazing we are as real humans.
Got support filing annulment papers with an amazing attorney
The annulment process was too overwhelming to take on. Self-serve divorce or annulment might be doable for dissolving a normal marriage – not in this case – not in the aftermath of a sociopath.
An annulment is more complicated; it requires specific proof of fraud. I would not settle for anything but annulment. Divorce was too good for him and not good enough for me. I hired an attorney – who I found through a co-worker.
I was so fortunate and so grateful!— That may not be everyone’s situation — the point is this: let people know what you need. Support might be there in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. Open your heart. And yes, a family member paid for the annulment process in full.
Whatever your faith is – make use of it… This is what I did: I called a leader in a support capacity in SGI. I hadn’t met her more than 3 times in passing. We spoke by phone. I was too spun-out in a state of high-high trauma to tell her my circumstances. I could barely speak coherently.
Plus I knew the details were not important. I said something like: I’m in a serious, serious situation. I’m terrified. There are legal issues. It’s really, really serious. I have no idea what to do, but I have to handle really serious things. I can’t make any mistakes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do any of it.
She said: “Chant that everything you do is the best thing. – No matter what action you take, chant with determination that, this action is the best thing.”
It worked. It saved me. It was hard. I trusted my life. I was kind to myself. – Follow your faith. Embrace your own life.
Talked with my brother and sister daily
There was no one like me to book sessions with. Otherwise, I would have! Instead, I talked to my brother and sister. They had no idea that this was a thing, but they believed me. No judgment.
Did I have these deeply functioning relationships with my siblings already in place? Nope. Before this crisis, I talked with my brother about six times a year; my sister every week or two. He lived in another state; my sister was three miles down the road.
I determined this horror show would be the best thing that ever happened and that benefit would come from this con-man-raid. This was one of those benefits.
Talked daily with one of the con man’s domestic partners in Europe
She was going through what I was. – With his very young child and after four years together to make sense of and recover from. We were united and embraced one another from our first crazed Facebook messages. We discovered his atrocities together. We healed together. We are friends to this day, yet live on two separate continents. There’s power in unity. Human similarities beat out any superficial differences or conflicts.
Mustered the courage and talked to his so-called girlfriends, fiances, and wives.
I talked with anyone he conned – which was anyone and everyone he knew. I did this over a period of months for a critical reason: I needed evidence for my annulment. – The secondary benefit was it brought me home to the fact that my relationship had been an illusion.
That I had been victimized but had the power to not be a victim. Incredibly, I helped clean up his damage – I encouraged those who needed it, including a wife, a fiance, a girlfriend, and two former “employees”. My capacity expanded, my compassion was proven a beautiful thing. Kindness is good. Trust is good. Benevolence is good. Don’t let a con man take that.
Got nutritional supplements for stress and other health issues
The intense stress was killing me. I’m not meaning this metaphorically or in an exaggerated sense. I mean it utterly. – I got specific mega-vitamins to save my long-term health.
I also ate almost nothing, slept very, very little, or in a comatose deep sleep, and had no exercise, just a constant adrenaline rush. Not an advisable way to get through the day, but unavoidable. It’s all temporary. Healing takes time. Let it take as long as it takes. Just keep going.
Got a homeopathic remedy for trauma and grief, loss, and shock
I use homeopathy as my main source of medical care. I took ignatia and arnica to ease the loss and grief. It let my body ease into a place where I could cope and move forward day by day. I couldn’t have made it through without it.
Talked frequently to anyone who would listen
Translate to: I did not blame myself and had no shame or guilt. — This goes back to understanding my sociopath’s mind and accepting that I was his unwitting prey. – I did not victimize myself. This does not mean I wasn’t in shock, fear, grief, and struggled to overcome the experience. It means I gave myself a break, Gave myself the benefit of the doubt.
Reported him to every authority under the sun
Exactly. In detail. Exhaustively. To the police, the District Attorney, Immigration – USCIS, and the FBI. It was the right thing to do. It may not be a crime according to the law books to father seven children and leave them or deceive a woman – many women at once.
To use them, to cause trauma to heart and soul, but: it is a crime to steal. Bigamy is a crime. Immigration fraud is a crime. I didn’t want him to get what he’d tried to take from me spiritually, mentally, financially, or physically. I stood up for my own value. I was loyal to myself.
I drank wine; I don’t normally drink
I don’t recommend drinking. For myself a glass or two of wine every night got me through. After about nine months I didn’t want it anymore – I went back to my normal alcohol intake – which is about one or two drinks – about four times a year. If I had any alcoholic tendencies this nightmare would have brought them to life.
Here’s the thing: if you have addiction issues stay away from pain killers, alcohol, recreational drugs, or anything like them. Please find another way to cope. Don’t let this inhuman, con man or con woman be your downfall! Use him to rise up!!
If You Feel It In Your Gut, It Is So
Don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel that you don’t know enough to realize or can’t make a “diagnosis” and can’t possibly know that this person is a sociopath. Please go with your gut. Please don’t hold back in that pool of thought that this is “only” a narcissist.
We Win
Rise above the fear a con man conjures. Lift yourself out of the doubt anyone around you plants. Take practical and confident steps to resolve any entanglements that his or her sick-frenzy wove in your life. He or she chose you because you are good, capable, and trustworthy.
Because you are loyal, kind, and loving. Everything nice, or good about him or her is an illusion. That face you saw, those black eyes, that other voice…? That’s who they are. After the break up from a sociopath the sociopath’s power is superseded by our shining lives when we are strong, march forward, and keep loving!!
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