These creatures infamously talk up a storm.
It’s a trademark of a narcissist or sociopath.
Contact is their full-time work to ensnare,
entrap, and keep prey locked in place.
Gaslighting. That confusing babble that oozes from their gobs nonstop. This tirade of conflicting and hurtful and ridiculous nonsense, unfortunately, spins us up off our feet and into a frenzy of trying to “talk about it”. We want to talk it out and resolve their concerns. So kind of us; so normal.
Continue readingIt’s normal to trust, believe and care.
It’s 100% abnormal not to.
We can’t understand abnormal by looking at it from normal.
So, let’s look at it for their side without our rose-colored glasses.
Narcissistic people who are in the zone of pathological narcissism know that they don’t have relationships. Even though they step up to us with this mesmerizing zinger, I’ve never met anyone like you before. They know they’re not stepping into a real relationship. We think they are; that we are.
The thing is, they aren’t saying what we think they’re saying. We naturally hear one thing, but they mean another. They don’t want a relationship, not even when they say, you’re my soulmate. Want to know why this is…?
Continue readingCan we smell a narcissist?
Does the sociopath have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder, since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort. (Or the “narcissist’s” if you’re on that terminology even with all it’s pitfalls and misconceptions.)
They’re fundamentally and pathologically identical monster to monster.
Continue readingCan you smell a sociopath?
Does a narcissist have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort.
They’re fundamentally and almost thoroughly identical pathological beast to pathological monster. For example, we know in their heads lies are real and real is made up.
Continue readingDivorce is no one’s idea of a good time.
Divorce is hard, exhausting,
and in the case of a sociopath,
narcissist or psychopath in divorce, it’s treacherous.
Sociopaths in a divorce go on a rampage that boggles, frightens, and brings the normal spouse to their knees physically, mentally, and emotionally. You might feel you want a protection order. Not to mention the financial blows during your time with them. In the divorce process, there’s more to come.
What the heck is happening? Why do they do this? I can tell you, it isn’t just to make you suffer, though it does. The sociopath, or the narcissist, has an entirely more important and self-focused need to act upon than your feelings. Let’s talk about what that is, and see how we can minimize this damage and distress.
Continue readingRecovery Beyond Any Other: Restore Your Life
Recovery Beyond Any Other: Restore Your Life
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I don’t think I would be where I am if I hadn’t found you and learned from you, and I’m still learning. Thanks for all you are doing to raise awareness of these monsters. ~ J.S.
After our first session, I was left feeling very empowered, and I’m excited to continue the conversation! You’re one of the only people out there who understands this like this; I think maybe you’re the only person. You have a way of simplifying the pieces and elements. I’m very glad to have talked to you. ~ G.D.
Heal, recover, trust again: it’s all possible.
As a certified coach and as someone who’s lived through this nightmare and won, I can tell you, there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s everything right with you.
Sessions are a guided journey at your pace through discovery building a deep and expanding recovery. In a combination of questions, information, dialogue, guidance, and coaching together we unwind the tangled mess clearing your way out of the emotional, mind-bending maze.
No two sessions are alike. The dialogues are unique and coaching is improvisational based on where you are and inspired by your needs, your personality, and what’s important to you.
We begin from where you are and find the way to
where you want to be.
Each session is unique to you.
Together we map your way out of hell.
Session notes and summaries become a reminder and guide.
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2018_10_03 2023_10_12
Betrayal looms large
in what some call narcissistic abuse.
And a whole ton of it comes from people we turn to
for support in the aftermath.
The shocking truth is the place it really hurts is in the aftermath. And the real sense of betrayal comes from professionals who put themselves out there as those who “protect and serve”, for example. The fact is traditional, standard agencies, and individuals we turn to have no real idea of what this is at this point in human history.
Support from therapists, counselors, psychologists, doctors, law enforcement, social services and the like have no idea what people coming out of this malarkey are going through.
Though they’ve taken the time to label the surreal things done by the pathological predator within the horrific reality as: “narcissistic abuse”.
Find the key to winning
And those same people have decided to call us as the prey of these predators: “narcissistic abuse victims”. And have decided that when we’re ensnared within the madness we’re in “narcissistic abuse syndrome.”
I’m not a fan of this terminology and conceptualization of this situation for many many really good reasons, but that’s a different article than this one.
Whether we like this terminology or not, some of us don’t find even this level of acknowledgment.
Most of the time in couples counseling the therapist sides with the sociopath completely missing the mark on who the “bad guy” is.
All too often in therapy and court-battle-hades during the aftermath, we’re not believed, penalized, labeled, have children taken away, lose rights, access, property, and our sense of self. We topple under the disbelief of another devastating trauma inside the nightmare. Recovery involves recovering from trauma inside of trauma.
We’re the grassroots movement bringing the truth of true love scam to light. Bringing forward what we truly suffer: confusion, shock, shame, guilt, loss, feeling broken; some of us go through a psychic break under the weight of this horrific crime.
The proverbial rug has been pulled out from under our lives and then we find there’s no one who understands; sometimes, no one who believes us.
Who’s really betraying the prey of the sociopath…? – The sociopath who doesn’t care, never did, never will and is straightforwardly being what they are antisocial psychopaths who go unrecognized and only bring destruction with their limited brain focused on self-survival, deluded by their notion of sefl-grandiosity, and an existence built of lies?
Or the people meant to protect and serve its citizenry? The people holding high degrees, given blanket respect and looked to for relief by those in pain?
We’re not “Eeyores”… You know like Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. We have no “disorder.” Just as we’re not in denial. We’re not codependent. You’re each and all trying to take back the damage done, make right the wrongs, and keep your children and yourself in safety from a user and abuser… the actual criminal.
We were targeted, pursued, sucked in, used for our loyalty, honesty, genuine compassion and good character – and yes… all while we were in love. We believe them, trust them, defend them; we e behave and acted as normal people in what we felt and believed initially and for long into it all that we were in a normal relationship.
This is normal. And so, we flow along trying to make a great life with them until there’s something that snaps… and we see then that something, something indefinable is very, very, terrifyingly wrong. This is normal.
Even at that moment, we still can’t know wtf is happening, but we certainly save ourselves as soon as possible. There’s nothing wrong with us. Targets of sociopaths suffer profoundly more because of the incredible lack of understanding by “experts” and “authorities.”
Calling the police and filing restraining orders can be the very thing that brings us down a very dark rabbit hole of fear and retaliation (the sociopath’s self-defense) rather than the protection it’s meant to be.
This can increase the compulsion of the pathological user, the con artist’s to plant stories and tales of woe and accusations that give them validity as the “sane” one and brand us the crazy, hysterical, nut jobs in the eyes of authorities.
This is how children can be lost to the lunatic who doesn’t love them. Think twice before taking court action or calling police; this is best only in situations where direct evidence that fulfills the legal parameters for the circumstances in our locality is very strong and in our favor.
So what in the heck are we to do? In certain situations, the police are the best option. And knowing when to bring them in is our own call. For a view of our situation and what’s what, always look at our escape e through the eyes of a socioapth.
Approach everything we do with the appearance of giving them what they want, otherwise, the revenge they’re compelled to go for is a hell we can’t imagine.
Looking at the whole mess through the mind of the kind of maniac a sociopath is, is how we can determine which action is safest and most effective and break free; and get away safely to a place where we can grieve the loss of a life we thought was real, not the scammer.
Know how to view the scam accurately. This is how we break free. Seeing what was real, and going no contact are the beginning of how we truly heal. This is key. The sociopath is not doing what they do “just to — blank — … just to make us cry, ruin our birthday, or even just to get back at us. What they do is not about us.
Psychologists, therapists, and mental health support people aren’t trained well in supporting or understanding coercive control of a sociopath/psychopath on their prey. They just don’t. they’re on the outside looking at and reading dusty research manuals and textbooks for terminology and diagnosis of you sitting in their chair.
At least at this point, the category of CPTSD has been removed from the DSM v5. There were too many misunderstandings of this because of the lack of personal experience and instead of putting people under a microscope and missing the whole picture.
We must keep insisting on the truth of the circumstances. These situations exist because deceivers who make use of others exist. When we understand this and the mind of sociopathy and what that means, we win.
In the meantime, let’s lead the way. Really, really understand what happened: a collision of two different beings: us – fully functioning human beings, and those with an under-functioning brain.
A brain that allows them only a limited, myopic and destructive view of life – and gives them the innate ability to entrance any person who finds them charming, even the most hardened cynic. – Anyone can be conned into true love scam.
Our great goodness is what a sociopath needs to survive. Our great goodness sets us free. Never give up trusting, bonding and caring. Enlarge and grow our compassion; embrace our own lives and the lives of strangers.
An increase and expansion of understanding how valuable and precious our lives are, our gorgeous interdependence and fully comprehending the minds of those devoid of humanity, will narrow and diminish the antisocial psychopath’s effect on individuals, families, communities and in the world. Remain human and humane.
Encouragement means to plant the seed of courage in the lives of others. ~ Daisaku Ikeda
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2017_05_02 2022_10_18
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses.
It’s not a match made in heaven.
It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration.
What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperate that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves, because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, and what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post-trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
.
Join the podcast!
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2017_03_19 2022_11_14
Suspect you’ve got a sociopath spouse?
Are you kinda falling out of love?
Walking on eggshells.
Thinking, this is such a mess…?
Sociopath spouse in the house? For most of us, this is a difficult and hard-hard realization to come to. Amazingly, after over five days time talking with two different friends who reached out to me spontaneously, to my own shock and surprise, let alone theirs – we discovered each of them was not in great relationship with a few problems but married to sociopaths. They each called me because they know about my experience and what I do to help others.
The thing is, there are distinct and unmistakable signs of a sociopath-spouse. They’re specific and clear, but when we’re in it we’re not so sure. It’s natural to feel a need to “be sure”. To want to prove to ourselves what’s happening, what we suspect, what they are.
None of us are going to leave the first time they say something strange, or come home late… not even the fifth time. This is normal and absolutely the way it goes under the influence of the sociopath. – And then, when you do want to end it, things only become more difficult.
As my friends talked with me over the next months, I witnessed each of them grasp a wisp of the truth of what they were in – but not fully grab onto it.
In one moment, they’d get a snip of insight, make an infinitesimal shift in perception about their sociopath spouse, and then bob back up to the surface of “normal”.
“Normal”, meaning the way we look at life. We use our life-lens of good, trust, and love to interpret the behavior and words of a suspected sociopath spouse – and everyone and everything else around us.
Confusion is the theme of a marriage to a sociopath. Or “mush”. Mush in life. It can feel as if, the floor under our feet, the floor of our life which we never gave a thought to previously, has risen into our awareness for its soft and squidgy feel rather than its firmness. Having security is soemthing that isn’t in our minds when we have it, but is felt when it drifts, slides or falls away.
When we reflect upon it, or without much reflectin at all, we can recall with an unease that hasn’t left us a converssation, or many in which we were uncertain. Uncertain about how we came to a decision of some sort. Uncertain in wha twe;re talkign about; an oddness or discomfort in what they said, and surprised at our own reaction. And then followed by rationalizing simlently in our minds. Allowing for “why” what was said was said. What was decided we try to form into a kind of sense. We unfortuatnly keep wondering…
When wondering and in pain, it’s normal to lay the blame at our own feet while we give them a second chance. Normla human beings naturally look for the “why” when something is painful or uncomfortable within oursleves. We question out “part in it”. that’s wonderful… and natural and it’s how as normla huamns we resolve issues and grow togeher.
However, with a socioapth involved, there is no growth or deepeing of connection, but more adjustment made on our part. The problem isn’t us, it’s them. We end up questioning ourselves and slipping levels of self-esteem. Many of us here the notion that this happens to us becasue we don’t have enough self-love… But I ask you, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
We give these creatures who lie and cheat and deceive others far too much credit. They’re so simplistic and solely focused on themselves… are they really master manipulators…? Or do we just not understand what they are? Are they truly great liars…? If they were would we be Googling for answers? ~ Jennifer Smith
Give the benefit of the doubt to yourself.
We look at the world from our own sweethearts, and why wouldn’t we? Unfortunately, when ensnared by a parasitic user, this means we further mistake the truth.
We hold into empathy for them; and as we continue to look at our sociopath spouse and our troubles through “normal” and as if we’re a couple with “problems” through popular views on handling relationship issues we’re getting further from real answers.
Sadly, this “normal” view of life and relationships only steers us in the wrong direction. Ultimately, we discover do “normal” isn’t working. The next step is discovering what’s really going on.
At first, it’s unbelievable. The dawning that Mr. Dream Man is a monster is slow. And why wouldn’t it be? How would we understand something we’ve never known existed? We wade into the dark-deep waters of seeing a sociopath spouse for what they are in baby steps.
We sometimes jump to blaming ourselves for not “knowing”. Please don’t think for one second you could have known these people are real; no one can begin to imagine that the problem is we’re married to a sociopath spouse because, well, what the heck is that?! And we think, doesn’t that only happen in movies?
If only we could recognize red flags waving for things we don’t know exist. If only liar’s pants really did catch fire. Here’s a hint of what it feels like to have a sociopath spouse… In the beginning, it’s nice. Then, after the nice wears off and the good wears down, it just feels like things have gone bad, just really bad.
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Mostly, we’re confused and sad, and next, there’s worse. And for all of us, the really bad drags on and on to a grinding, exhausting kind of life that’s more than exhausting, where things go wrong, and overall we’re in something we can’t explain and possibly feel ashamed to be in. We feel we’re headed towards “losing our minds” or “broken” if this keeps up.
Each of my friends described exactly what it’s like without knowing for sure that they were married to a sociopath. If this resonates in even the tiniest twinge – if you’re feeling two or more of these feelings, or experiencing these kinds of circumstances, chances are Mr. or Ms. Right is completely wrong-in-the-head and possesses the abnormal brain of a sociopath.
Here are more signals my friends experienced when married to sociopaths: Suddenly, they lost huge amounts of weight. Both of them talked about their husband’s rage.
And those husbands didn’t seem to care about anyone but themselves and thought they were victimized by their wives – and nearly everyone else.
My friends really stressed about money and slept badly. They were plagued by confusion and anxiety.
They considered that maybe their hubby was mentally unbalanced… or coo-coo-for-cocoa puffs. Each had sneaking suspicions the sociopath spouse had someone on the side. They themselves were exhausted and worn to the bone.
Being at their wit’s end, they wanted out. Unsettling, undercurrents of fear curdled their peace of mind. Nothing they’d tried to do or say had changed the marriage for the better or altered their husband’s behavior in the slightest. Sometimes the men seemed to care or act differently, but it wore off.
As hard as it is to see and to say I’ve got a sociopath spouse, it’s the beginning and early days of recovering. Without getting to this you can’t escape as safely and smoothly as we might. Certainly, recovery is hindered. Without this one has little chance of getting to the point of being sociopath-proof in the future. And, let’s face it that’s exactly what we need.
You can win. They need us, not the other way around. Step into freedom. You are amazing, awesome, and gorgeous and have everything it takes to be sociopath-spouse-free.
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Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
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2017_01_02 2023_01_09
Sociopath is a big word.
We shy away from the idea
because it sounds like a movie, not real life.
Taking a second look at this can save us lots of pain.
Dating a sociopath, as it turns out, is something I’ve done a lot of. This wasn’t something I knew I’d done until after I’d married one, kicked him out, and gotten myself an annulment.
After this big-whammy experience with the con man sociopath who hijacked me specifically for a green card to the U.S.A. – and incidentally (as they do) – for all the money he could take, I put the pieces together. I did this with my own instinct, a bold and unwavering determination to take back my life and all he’d taken from me, and reading research. As in neuroscience and psych research.
After really grasping how their little minds operate and their quirks and foibles, I know that I’ve dated a sociopath more than once. Each of them floated to my memory over the months spent restoring my life in a flash of realization. – I understand you might be wondering what it is about me that “attracted” them, or what could be wrong with me…
There’s nothing wrong with me, There’s everything right with me. I’m a normal gorgeous inside and out living breathing fully limbic-brained human. In other words, this means that I’m normal. Many, many, many of us discover as we take in a real comprehension of what a sociopath is that more than one has knocked at our door.
Now I know I’ve briefly dated one of these weirdos twice. And that about eight of them, all told have tried to get into my life. This one particular one got me into a legal marriage. Maybe like me, you went beyond dating a sociopath and married one.
Chances are, you’ve known more than one as well, and certainly at least one, or you wouldn’t be here. I’m glad that you are here…I’m glad you’re seeking answers that truly fit into place. Keep going so that you can solidify a user-proof life since as strange as it is, it’s true – these human predators are out there. – I’ve heard it said that one in 25 people is a sociopath… That makes about one in every classroom.
After the harrowing hideous entanglement and then the restoration of my life after the dirtbag who hijacked me for an address in the U.S. along with the legal right to be in the country, I now know one of the first times in my life I came across a sociopath was in elementary school. He was ten years old, and so was I. We were in the 5th grade.
He was super gross. Nobody liked him. He was tough and mean and didn’t fit the profile of that charming sociopath we read about at all. – But maybe crafting that smoothie exterior comes later in life for these creatures.
I was plagued by his attention. What I didn’t yet know was, that there’d been a bet or a joint plot or some such heinous thing among complicit classmates that he could grab me and kiss me on the playground. – Where the heck were the adults…?
What would it mean to feel like yourself again?
As it goes down, I suddenly realize I’m all alone, sitting on a swing. There’s nobody else playing, no balls bouncing, no laughing… And no one near me. It dawns on me that the entire 5th and 6th grades are divided into two camps on opposite sides of the blacktop.
The optics of the scenario stretch and pull as they do in moments of impending doom. I see or sense one band of kids far, far away in a corner of the now ghostly playground, hovering in a flock by one of the outbuildings.
The more nearby knot of whispering, heaving-with-excitement 10-year-olds backs further away as a lone figure slithers towards me. In this moment, the classical traits of the snake-like qualities of a sociopath shimmer off of this kid who’s now floating into the way-too-near-me horizon.
The dirty-haired, pale-skinned predator floats up like on a Z-axis camera dolly, sliding into a close-up position. His mouth is open in anticipation.
Emanating from him was some internal honing device that sucked at me, aligning my body, overriding my resistant mind and soul, right into his orbit. Something like polar opposite magnets that click and snap together when what I wanted to do was hurl away in refusal. I didn’t have control of my body… I was locked in place.
A part of me actively resisted and fought to get away. Brave little me looked the prepubescent beast straight in his eyes. At the millisecond I registered his leer, his curled lip revealing tiny, pointy yellowish teeth, my right arm pulled itself back, my hand in a rock-hard fist ready to smash his face. – Something I’d never done in my life.
His eyes open wide from the slits of a hunter; shock replaces the cocky, shit-bag expression on his ugly freckled face. He leans back from his waist and comes closer all at once. He hisses through a clenched jaw, threatening: Don’t you hit me.
I didn’t hit him. I couldn’t really. I did look straight into his eyes scanning for a person. As in a human to connect with. There wasn’t one. But, he did look scared. Of me. Then I sent out no words, no sounds, but what must have been a telepathic, silent human-to-beast warning, in essence: Don’t you fuck with me.
Those very words weren’t in my head, but surely there were screaming from my less than five-foot 70-pound frame. He backed off. The crowds dispersed… And everything after that is a blur. I was then allowed to spend every recess for the rest of the 5th grade in the nurse’s office or sitting in the school counselor’s room. I was terrified of the playground. I had post-traumatic stress at 10 years old induced by the traumatic events of a sociopath invading my life.
Likely, by now, you’ve heard someone say or read somewhere that you played a part in the “relationship”. That you don’t know how to pick good men or women or partners but are attracted to “bad boys”. That you’re codependent or don’t have boundaries and this is why this happened to you.
This reasoning, though a natural place for people to go with this for a few reasons, is absurd. As a ten-year-old, I guarantee I wasn’t looking for a bad boy, was not codependent, and was not in a relationship with this goober-headed ten-year-old monster. It happened because he was a monster – and I was – and am – normal.
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
And then, either before or after that nice day, another fine day this grimy psycho kid shows me a messed up sketch he’d made. Presented it like a gift.
Smeared pencil on a piece of lined notebook paper; so many creases where he’d feverishly folded and unfolded the page in sweaty hands it was almost tattered. It was a crude drawing of an underground fort. Dug into the earth next to a tree, in and around its roots. He told me this is where he planned to take me…And so by implication keep me.
Turns out, I used to be the kind of person sociopaths really like. Someone they like to date, marry, and maybe even kidnap. A lot of us are this kind of person because we’re alive and amazing humans, this makes us someone these predators sniff out as delicious prey.
And this doesn’t mean we’re stupid, or a doormat, or codependent. — And don’t even go down the road of thinking you’re a sociopath magnet… The very idea of a sociopath magnet implies it’s the targeted prey who are at fault for the fall down the rabbit hole. So not true.
Wanting a relationship and working for it doesn’t mean we’re codependent. Nice does not equal doormat. Dating a sociopath-con-man does not signify that we’re stupid. It does indicate our natural goodness and view of the world from the heart and eyes of normal. From our normally-wired human brain that bonds as survival. https://cornellsun.com/2020/02/13/the-science-of-human-bonding/
Sociopaths don’t get far or get much to support their lives out of stupid. Don’t forget, we unwittingly hold up their world; stupid can’t hold up tier own world and another grown person’s too.
Codependent simply does not apply as the case of this criminal hijacking arrangement they set up. It’s more like instant hypnosis, and unless you’ve been in it: Sit down. – That’s what you can all those people who say: Didn’t you know…? Why didn’t you just leave…?
What they do work with, and do a lot with, is our emotions. That’s what they’re after… They don’t care really about which emotion; they just want a normal human one.
Our natural normal response from the world of normal. Our human emotions based on our ordinary and extraordinary kindness. They want open hearts, people who care, and people who don’t know what a predator is and that these revolting creatures exist… Even in 5th grade.
Sociopaths don’t respond normally to normal things. For example, when something bad happens… like our pet turtle dies, or our cat gets sick, or we lose a family member they remain kind of neutral, almost bored, or say something like, such a pity and go on watching Netflix. Or, throw off a blast of ice-cold freeze out.
Narcissistic predators say things like I don’t have feelings. Or I’m going to teach you a lesson, and they aren’t talking about tennis or playing the piano. Or when we’re deep in it, as I heard one day from the nut case who hijacked me in marriage, I can’t make you do what I want you to, but I can make you wish you had.
Lying deceivers aren’t where they say they’ll be: We run into them when they said they couldn’t come out with us or they’d be somewhere else.
The invader parasite sociopath has a whole world we aren’t in: We come across them out at a club when they said they were staying home – and then they ignore us, or tell us we should be at home. They don’t join us but freeze us out of their night on the town.
Being used by a pathological predator involves being stood up with lame explanations or no explanation. If we’re dating a sociopath they might make a date with us and show up two hours late, or not at all. After that, they’re mad that we’re mad, and madder that we ask about it. And more than one of us has heard the sociopath we’re dating say, don’t question me or if you’d trust me everything would be okay.
Sociopaths busy themselves “dating” us and and about 800 other people at the same time. They keep things close to their vest. They sleep with their phones. Lock their phone. Take their phone into the bathroom. Block us from their Facebook.
Sociopaths who are “dating” often, as in within every single moment of any encounter with a normal human being, overstep the normal social and personal boundaries we all have.
In addition to being deceptive about who they are and about their intention in our lives, sociopaths don’t heed the natural and normal boundaries we have and that we expect others to have.
It’s not uncommon to have a creepy feeling like they’ve been looking through our drawers or catch them looking over our shoulder as we punch in our PIN. There always the quickly shifting and closing of the laptop when we walk into the room.
And, maybe you’ve noticed, predator sociopaths take things. Mysteriously, there’s money missing from our sock drawer, or from that envelope in between the dusty-never-used dictionary and “East of Eden” on the bookshelf. – Especially when they’re gearing up to exit our lives.
When confronted by the impossible the rational mind will grope for the logical.
~ Outlander S1:E1 Sessenach
One day while my new husband was at a meeting, I went out to buy something delicious for his dinner. Surprisingly, I ran into him at my bank’s ATM just around the corner.
He was stunned and trying not to show it. – Caught red-handed more like. – Wary, surprised, and leering, like a cat that thinks it saw something move, but isn’t sure and so waits and watches for it to happen again, ready to pounce; he asked, Are you following me??
Feeling ungrounded, my brain spun and grasped for something that made sense of finding him, of his words, and to make things right because normal humans need that.
My mind sorted the circumstances: He had no personal bank account here, there was only my account recently-turned-joint-account. He was supposed to be in another area of town at a meeting… since an hour ago.
Out of my mouth came a tiny, no. – This was the best answer I could come up with to his very odd question… The most normal response that made me seem not freaked out. I didn’t want him to know that I knew this was very, very weird.
The thing is: Somewhere in my body I was already afraid of this stranger I’d married. He too wanted things to seem okay, so he came into the market next door with me. It felt a lot like that encounter with the sociopath child while I was a child, that day on the playground in 5th grade.
I don’t remember grabbing the grocery items, but I do recall being at the checkout… Where I paid for our groceries while he fiddled with his phone and pretended to reach for his wallet.
Continuing the charade, he came home with me and then left eight minutes later. Truth gathering, observing as if I were a player in a scene revealed him for what he was.
Dating a sociopath was a recurring theme in my life. Emphasis on was. Previously, intermingled with great relationships with real people, I found myself dating a sociopath or about three very briefly; I only married one. — Recovery tip: Find humor wherever you can.
The more we learn about what a sociopath is and how to recognize them, you may realize you’ve known a few. Bleeping onto a sociopath’s radar screen as a potential target doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.
It means there’s everything right with us. It means we’re good, kind people who trust and love as natural, gorgeous humans innately do. We have every right to be exactly what and who we are.
We just plain, flat-out didn’t know such beasts existed, there’s no way to conceive of something so beyond normal; sociopaths hide behind this perfectly normal human characteristic of not knowing that evil exists and what it looks like. We can’t know what we don’t know until we know it.
Trust our gut, we’re experts now. We can see a sociopath a mile away. Look them in the eye. They’ll know that we know and it’s so delightful to watch them scurry away like the rats they are.
Really… I did it just yesterday in the mall. Now, we can add knowledge, wisdom, and courage to the mix of our gorgeous selves!
The podcast!
Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
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