Every one of these hijackings is identical. It seems impossible because we each think “our relationship” is unique. How can we be sure to see the signs before it starts?
I was out the other day with my niece. She’s, you know, in that first blush of time when she and her friends are dating and the dating is shifting into forming relationships that, for some of them, might turn into lasting partnerships…
This particular day, as we wandered around window shopping, my niece was invested and passionate as she described a bad breakup her friend Olivia just went through.
As soon as she started talking about this “break up”… I knew. She described her friend’s heartache and confusion with confusion of her own. My niece was affected by the trauma and madness that her friend was under as a piece of a sociopathic entrapment. No question in my mind.
She said this break up of her friend’s – from her first real boyfriend, “doesn’t make sense“, that months later her friend “can’t get over it“, and how “it started great” And, here’s how she told me about it:
“So Olivia has this friend in New York she knows from school, so she went to see her and that’s where she met *him* – cause he’s her friend’s friend – and they were vibin’ and playing music all day together for two days, and after she left they’d Face Time each other and they were really just like a total match. He even looked like her! And… yah...”
Post the traumatic event, we want new. Afterward, we urgently want a new place. Or a new job, different friends, maybe a new name. Take it one thing at a time.
You’d think at the end of things, we’d be relieved. And we are. And then the post-trauma hits. Post-trauma… after the departure from the monster, well this is when we “freak out”. And rightly so. After any kind of traumatic event, at the end of it, that’s when things hit us emotionally.
This is normal. In the aftermath we have a sense of urgency. It’s incredibly common in post-trauma to feel we need to move, to change, to go, go, go to get out of here. To vacate the scene of the crime.
Post-trauma is rife with too much. Too much to be dealt with. Too much to figure out. Too much to explain. Clear things up for ourselves. Think of it as weeding the garden.
In the post-trauma and even further along in the post-post-trauma we need things streamlined, cleared up, and cleaned out. Make life as simple as possible.
There’s so much to manage. Things that aren’t truly supporting our life and our restoration are simply and truly too much. Dump ’em like sorting out rusty hinges and broken tricycles and tattered stained curtains. Here are some things we can do to weed our garden.
Solo holidays starkly, sharply illuminate the post-shit-show aloneness we’re sitting right in the middle of. Yes, it’s better now that its over, but the PTSD and reality of “now” makes for less than cozy solo holidays if sorrow takes hold of us.
So, the breakup happened. You’re on your own. This means that solo holidays are here. Looming-ominous since a few weeks ago, now it’s really just right here. The day of Hanukah. Christmas Eve. Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day… And holy heck before we know it: Valentine’s Day.
Everyone’s walking around smiling and aiming arrows at our hearts and souls with sparkly, effervescent, Happy Holidays!!! If it makes you wanna punch ’em, rest assured you’re not alone in this sentiment.
And if one more clerk at Trader Joe’s says: What are you doing for the Holidays?… I catch myself thinking, to the moon, to the moon, Alice. – Well, I can’t let myself feel so bad over some made-up days mid-winter. Or mid anything. Ever.
Heal PTSD with a glass of water? You betcha! Our health takes a rapid-pitch decline after the scam. A tonic for recovery comes in a humble glass of water.
Heal PTSD with a glass of water…? One glass may not change our world, but drinking that first glass then another and another marked a turning point for me from adrenaline overwhelm and trauma-survival-habits to healing.
In the aftermath and the initial shock in post-trauma eating wasn’t on my radar, and drinking meant coffee or wine.
For each of us as we scurry and panic and fly running errands to untangle the messes left behind by these creatures, the last thing we think about is preparing nutritious meals for ourselves. – As if we could choke them down.
Binding prey is a 24-hour a day job for predators. Pathological predators and parasites are the slimy creatures we call narcs and narcissists and indeed, they are sociopaths.
When we meet these dirt bags we think we’ve found a perfect match. A relationship made in heaven. It’s a feeling that overwhelms us more than a thought.
It sweeps up from somewhere and blazes through our mind: this guy is more perfect than I ever imagined anyone could be. Sex deepens this impression. This same impression fades as we discover something else is happening here and as we experience harsh things at their hands. And yet, even when we find out bad things, this deeply imbedded first impression clings to us because we’ve been bound up as prey.
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses. It’s not a match made in heaven. It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship we;ve ever expereinced – or has ever existed on teh face of the earth, becasue of them. This one incredible are-you-kidding-me-so-amazing person. It feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
Ove the Moon and LIke a Movie
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – without it ever raining. It’s like pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing…while butterflies flitter around our heads.
We feel this. That other person, the one we think is so wonderful, does not. They’re here to make use of us. They’re giddy with snagging us! They’re after your high-octane-goodness becasue our natural goodness is what is bent adn twisted to theri advantage. They know this. We do not. We think it’s love.
We Do the Things Normal People Do In Love
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperately that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
All We Need to Fall In Love
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Love with a Sociopath is a Life of Two Parallel Realities
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
All Normal Humans Are Emotional: There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Here’s what will take us on a detour away from healing after it’s over:
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing that:
We’re codependent, weak
Have low self-esteem
We’re addicted to them (again smacks of our weakness or wrong doing)
It’s our fault, we’re crazy
And stupid and niave and “too nice”
Blame lies with us, because we ignored red flags
There’s that “work” we need to do on ourselves
We sought out an abuser because we were abused as kids
And There’s More Malarkey We Hear About Our Love with a Sociopath
You’ve likely heard it…
That we pick the wrong guy or gal to fall in love with
Have a pattern of abusive relationships
Always get it wrong
We fell for it because we’re older or because our dog just died, or we’re needy
Not wanting to be alone made it happen
It happened because we wanted marriage and kids
Loving a sociopath happened because they made us feel safe
We fell for it because we don’t have enough money
Our insecurity led us to think they could help us do something or be something
We were blind, and in denial, our friends told us but we didn’t listen
And most of all, don’t we know if something’s too good to be true… it isn’t real
None of these is true. And there are very good things that are very true
How To Heal After Loving a Sociopath
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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Narcs, narcissists… Sociopaths care so little (meaning not at all) and take so much. They take our things but leave things behind, like herpes. There is help and hope.
Herpes brings a heart-breaking and emotional huge hit… And it always means: someone gave us herpes. And here we’re talking about yet another piece of our lives that changes because of these dirt-bag predator sociopaths… A gift that keeps on giving.
These losers ignore our birthdays but leave behind the gift of their old junk, disaster, despair, confusion… and STIs. We can and must throw away their pieces of trash and the rubble of old guitars and weird sex toys, resolve our losses and truly heal and recover all the way.
Sooooo Many People Have Herpes: For Reals
While herpes isn’t exactly cocktail party conversation it’s a good bet at least one in every six people standing there sipping a mai-tai or an Aperol spritz has herpes. Look around at work and count off six people. One of them has it.
Do the same with your family and relatives or a group of friends. – They might not be talking about it, but they’re dealing with it. – Oh, and that flat-mate with a cold sore…? That’s herpes.
Herpes comes along with feelings of shame and sadness. You’re not alone in thinking you’re ruined or “damaged goods”.
Pretty much anyone who contracts herpes goes through this. And it feels so bad when we’re sick with it. – My idea is that we can put this shame and self-devaluing aside in favor of a little more logic and calm and self-compassion.
Herpes is a virus. The first time we get sick from it feels a lot like the flu – only kinda worse. There’s no throwing up, but you might run a fever and have a horrible headache.
Herpes affects our emotions big-time. We feel depressed, exhausted, worn out, sad, hopeless, lethargic, unable to think, can’t focus…cause yah, we’re sick, and we feel just super bad.
Sound familiar? These are a lot like post-trauma emotions. Yikes. – Go to bed. Sleep. Don’t think about serious things or try to make any decisions at this time. Chill. Grab your Teddy bear.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
The key thing is, herpes is passed from contact with someone else’s herpes outbreak. Yep and yuck. There’s no way to get it or give it aside from body-to-body contact, though some say the saliva and etc., of a person who has or other an outbreak can pass it on.
Meaning, herpes can come along and hop on over to our place in someone’s bodily fluids and saliva making condoms our friend. This makesthe chances of us getting herpes or other STIs from a socioapthic “partenr” pretty high ebcasue we all know, male sociopaths typically refuse to wear condoms. There are soem female socioapths who refuse them as well. And we know they lie about anything and everything, including passing on an STI.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
There are Two Types of Herpes
Herpes comes in two versions: Herpes I and Herpes II. – The essential difference is one of them is on the face the other is in our underpants. The first one, around the mouth, is commonly called a “cold sore”.
Even babies can have them because even a baby can get herpes if say, an adult or older kid with herpes sore on their mouth kisses the baby. I have a friend who innocently and at first unknowingly gave her baby Herpes Simplex Virus I just this way.
Herpes II is more adult. It goes on when we get down to it while one of us has an active herpes outbreak. Intercourse or soft skin such as tongues making contact with a herpes blister or sore transmits the virus.
Saliva and bodily fluids are said to pass the virus from one person to another as well. – And we get it immediately, like in a few days from contact. There’s just no way that nasty little painful, blister thingy is not going to be passed along.
What does herpes look like? Click here. Sorry, it’s yucky.
When Is Herpes Contagious?
Herpes is most contagious when sores are open and wet when fluid from the herpes blisters is oozing. Here’s the little-known factoid: herpes can also “shed” and get passed to others when there are no sores and your skin looks totally normal.
It’s now known, that people can get herpes from saliva rather than someone who’s an active sore. For some people, the virus can live in your body for years without exhibiting symptoms.
So, it could be really hard to know when you got it or who gave it to you. But let’s be real: we know. We know.
The herpes virus is pretty sneaky just like the dirtbag. The virus dies fast-fast outside the body – holding hands, coughing, and sneezing doesn’t pass it. – It is though, part of the chickenpox and shingles family.
What to Do If We Get Herpes
Sadly, herpes is a virus that then lives in our body – forever. We may not have break-outs forever or be sick from it forever. Really. As time goes by the virus can become dormant and not bug us at all! Truly!
And guess what…? The statistics say that one in six people has herpes. That’s only the people who have reported it to a doctor or gone to a doctor for a diagnosis. So, between you and me, don’t-cha-think this figure is likely a bit higher? – In my test group of six, three had herpes. Seriously, I polled friends.
We Can Suppress the Herpes Virus
There are a few ways to suppress the herpes virus. It hibernates somewhere in the base of our spine where it nestles after we’ve contracted it.
There are three highly recommended ways to reduce how often we get sick from herpes and to help suppress the virus into remission.
There’s also traditional western chemical medicine. Sometimes a combo of all this may be preferred. Some report feeling iller from the chemical drugs prescribed by an M.D. than from the actual outbreak of herpes. You decide.
By what we eat and don’t eat.
With specific supplements.
Homeopathic medicine is an incredibly powerful and deep method.
Chemical antiviral drugs: Valtrex and others from medical doctor’s prescriptions
What is Homeopathic Medicine? Great Question!
Homeopathic medicine is amazing. Homeopathy causes our bodies, spirits, and minds to heal. – It causes our bodies to remember perfect health. Each remedy has many uses.
Each remedy has more than one ailment it can address. Every single remedy is made from a single natural compound such as platinum, or a cashew nut or from a spider or a tree bark.
Homeopathy is the main form of medicine practiced in the U.K., New Zealand, Australia and Brazil, Germany, France, and throughout western Europe. It was founded and established by Dr. Samuel Hahnemann in Germany in the 1800s.
Amazing Facts About Homeopathy
Queen Elizabeth had a Royal Homeopathic Doctor, I suspect King Charles kept them on
Prince Philip of England supports homeopathy as preventative and curative health care
Homeopathy is outrageously inexpensive. As in very low-cost medical care
Homeopathy is virtually free of side-effects
You can self-prescribe for their own condition or soemone else’s
You can go to school to become a homeopathic doctor
Homeopathy can eliminate a condition altogether rather than only treat symptoms
Where Can You Get Homeopathic Remedies?
You can find homeopathic remedies in a limited range at Whole Foods, other natural health stores, and anyone can order any remedy of any dosage or strength from Hahnemann Labs in the Bay Area in the USA.
Treating Herpes with Homeopathy
For genital herpes, some commonly used homeopathic remedies are Nitric acid, Thuja Occidentalis, Causticum, Medorrhinum, Silica.
Here’s a recommended round of remedies, from Josette Calabrese, to be taken once or twice each for up to three days at the outset of a herpes break-out to stop it, reduce the severity and ultimately suppress the herpes virus for good.
The camphor is first in the cycle and has the effect of clearing the outbreak and essentially clear the slate. Here’s Josette Calabrese’s article about homeopathy for treating herpes.
15 minutes before and after taking a homeopathic remedy don’t eat or drink anything
Turn the tube upside down
Twist the cap until 5 – 6 balls fall into the cap
Drop the balls under your tongue without touching the inside of the cap
Let them melt under your tongue until they’re completely dissolved
By the way – we can take homeopathic Arnica 30c or 200 for the ptsd in the aftermath as well. And then anytime we experience shock, trauma, loss grief, go for a surgery or are wounded. – Hey, Olympic athletes take arnica orally -as well as in topical form – when they break or sprain or pull something, and cosmeti surgeons in Los Angeles advise taking it pre-op for healing and to stop excess bleeding. I’ve had one medical doctor mention that arnica can raise blood pressure. AS with any thing we’re ingesting: Do your own research.
Antiviral Tablets from a Regular Old M.D. for Herpes
There are chemical antiviral medications by prescription only from a regular western medical doctor. We call the kind of treatments and principles behind western medical M.D.’s allopathic medicine. There are three popular anti-virals prescribed by medical doctors to reduce herpes outbreaks. These medications for anyone without insurance is going to cost a bit, and it’s packed with side effects and the effect of making some people feel sicker. Hmm. Find what works for you.
Suppressing the Herpes Virus With Diet
The virus is suppressed by L-Lysine and can come to the surface and activate with too much Arginine. Lysine and Arginine are amino acids, an element of proteins naturally occurring in foods.
Foods to Avoid: Arginine Foods Can Activate Genital Herpes
Popcorn
Corn
Soy
Whole grains: oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat, etc.
Peanuts
Pumpkin seeds
Legumes, all beans, peas, lentils, green beans, garbanzo beans
Chocolate
Jello
Turkey
Pork Loin
More than a tablespoon of spirulina a day, often found in protein drink mixes
Self-Care For Treating Herpes and Recovering When We Have an Outbreak
Additionally, always:
Drink tons of water
Add 1 tablespoon of Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar in a full 8oz. glass of water every day
Here’s an Amazon link for the best raw, organic Apple Cider Vinegar by Bragg’s, and you can get this for between $6 and $8 at Whole Foods or other markets
Add one half or whole fresh squeezed lemon to a full 8oz. glass of water, daily
Get good sleep regularly
Avoid sugar and packaged and processed food
Walk, do yoga, swim, hike, bicycle… nice and gentle exercise
And especially during outbreaks sleep, sleep, and sleep and:
Avoid stress – skip watching the news
Dodge things that make you sad during outbreaks, sad music, nostalgia, sentimental thinking, and emotionalism
Side-step conflicts, confrontations, and upsetting things
Save making serious decisions for another day when you feel well again
Hope this helps!
These Scum Bags Are Nothing but Scum
So – this is another reality that hits some of us from these hijackings. There’s so much to understand, and manage, new ways to think about what went on, and lots of health care that never crossed our radar before from extreme weight loss, weight gain, PTSD, candida, and yeast infections… Geez-Louise.
You can do it. We can win. You’re human: gorgeous inside and out and imperfectly perfect. Carry on. Embrace your life with compassion. Love yourself. Time to thrive.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Please feel free to reach out, ask a question or comment in the form below. I always respond.
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Used and abused are never excused. Be sure it’s the abuser who takes the blame and the fall. Finally, let’s expose this phenomenon for what it is.
Used and abused is something people kept quiet about. And earlier still, it wasn’t thought of as “bad”; it was okay for example, to beat your wife. These days we know this isn’t okay by any means.
At this point, abuse is talked about in terms of what is “done to us” by an abuser. We speak about it from the angle of what the abuser is doing.
Signs We’re Used or Abused: The New Lexicon Around It
This is prevalent now, and we’ve got a 21st-century lexicon to describe abuse, and what the narcissistic abuser has done.
We’ve got the new language to talk about abuse; what that person did and said to us meant to describe and determine if we’re used or abused.
These are the words our moms and grandmas didn’t have. These new words, “devalue”, “discard”, “gaslight”, and “hoover” are meant as proof that we’re abused and describe what’s being done to us by an abuser.
Abuse is talked about as “love bombing, ghosting, punishing, mirroring, projecting, devaluing, discarding”. Abusive partners belittle us, lie to us, cheat on us, and take our money. Then, order us around, make us cry, and do stuff just to make us mad.
They always break promises. It seems like they like to hurt us. Abusers throw things at us, yell, disappear, and so much worse. And mostly it’s all so much more indefinable.
The problem with this viewpoint is, that it makes their behavior the problem. Isn’t the real problem that we’re miserable? We can point at what they do all we like, but how does this help us?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In friendships and work situations and in love, normal people stay. Normal people try when things are tough. And try more.
That’s what normal, amazing, gorgeous humans are wired to do. It’s what we’re taught to do. There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s just that we can’t recognize the horror or the mortuary of a mind that sits inside a predator sociopath’s head until we see it in particular and stark contrast to normal.
We don’t see it until “normal” isn’t working to change any of the problems between us. — That’s normal. It takes as long as it takes.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
A Definition of Abuse Based on How we Feel Rather than What They Do
The tell-tale signs of abuse, or of being used by someone who cannot love, show up in more reliable ways than in the behaviors of the abuser. We can call them a narcissist, a narc, a narcopath.
By any name we might label them with, their behavior is that of a sociopath. and the fact is, that the abuse and predatory dynamics show up in messages from our bodies and in our emotions immediately. We don’t always recognize these signals for what they are. The sooner we can open to the possibility that this is something we’ve never seen before, know next to nothing about, and be willing to take in what it might be, the better.
1. We Feel Like We’re in a Movie:
This relationship, finding this person, life with this person feels lifted out of reality in the best way! Out at a restaurant, a party, or even going grocery shopping with them feels like we’re living out scenes from a movie.
Relationships are said to be “hard”. People say relationships take “work”. In my experience: When it’s right, it’s easy and bad behavior or feeling bad is never part of the equation.
2. We Feel Like We Can’t Live Without Them:
Much to our own surprise, we feel we’ll die without them. In a dramatic figurative way… and kinda literally. We feel panic at the thought of never seeing them again, and, this emotion of our own, inspired by them, is what hooks us hard.
The deep hook happened like this: I sat a few feet from the con man. We’d known each other three days. I knew he had to fly back to his own country in a few months. At the thought of his leaving a sense of panic that I’d never see him again roiled up from the pit of my gut. Surprised by this creeping dread rising to take me over, I pulled in a breath to ask,“When’s your ticket back?’” He paused, looked up from under his lowered brows, then uttered a departure date barely two weeks away.
Tsunamis of emotion crashed together in my body. Profound all-consuming panic that I’d never see him again hit up against knowing this was an absurd way to feel, and a third thought wondering why I panicked crashed into those. But, I got no answer. Before I could get myself together, his voice, low and dark came through the fog, intimacy slicing my skin and dripping into my bones, “You’re afraid you’ll never see me again aren’t you?”
Fear ran through me; all I could do was try to look normal. I felt small. There were no words I could say. I willed my head to make a single nod. I surprised myself again when a barely voiced, “Yaaaaaaa,” dribbled from my mouth on the one wisp of air left in my lungs. We were married four days later. He didn’t take that flight.
3. We Feel Confused:
Our bodies on a primal, instinctive level know something’s wrong when we’re entrapped in a scam relationship. It’s our social and cultural mind that has to catch up.
Foggy-brained, we wonder if things are what we think they are. It’s natural and the way our brains are wired to rationalize and make exceptions or excuses for their behavior and for how we feel. Because they’re pathological, this normal human function is exaggerated and bent further to their favor.
Without being super aware of it, we change our ideas about what’s “okay”. We even bend our idea of what a relationship is meant to be in order to make this one continue. This is normal under their invisible influence of coercive control.
4. We Feel Disconnected: Communication is Spotty or Painful:
We feel stupid and like we’re a bother for trying to talk with them. It’s rare we talk together about anything real.
Conversation sticks on shallow or it’s only about household things. It’s texts that fizzle into emojis and arguments. We’re ignored – sometimes for days at a time. They blame us for why they won’t talk to us.
When is “bad” bad enough to trust our gut and our feelings over their behavior? To leave one of these parasitic users it takes a certain moment when a switch flips.
5. We Feel Shut Out – There Are “Mystery” People:
We feel compartmentalized. While we build the relationship we’re hitting roadblocks… in the form of attention they give to other people.
They explain a person they message late at night as a “friend” or say, “she’s my sister” or an “ex” that won’t leave them alone. We know something is wrong… That nagging feeling that they have someone else in their life is profound. This is beyond a “girlfriend”. This is a deeper secret. Some block us from their social media, and rage if we post photos of us together.
How bad does it get before we gather the clarity and courage to go? As bad as it needs to be. It takes as long as it takes. There’s nothing wrong with us.
6. We Feel at Arm’s Length:
Somethings missing. As much as we think we know them and their lives, there are many, many holes in the picture.
Maybe we don’t know where they live exactly or what they do for work exactly. There’s a pattern – even a pattern of uncertainty, or abrupt changes in the time we spend together.
We’re not sure where they drive off to when they leave us. We see him or her only late on Wednesdays and sometimes Friday night and only at our place.
He talks about us getting married, but… it stays out of reach. – Or we live in different towns or different countries.
7. We Feel Ganged-Up On:
We’re left hung out to dry. When the arguments and conflicts that come up between us are shared with friends or family might side with others against us.
Their family or so-called friends sabotage our plans or our efforts to bring the family together or to fix problems in the relationship. We’re sucker-punched by it every time.
We feel sad and stupid for wanting to know normal things like when they’ll be home. Or when we’re really going to meet. We suspect they aren’t where they say.
They say it’s a meeting they’re running off to, but… They say they’re going out of town for work, but… She said it was a trip to see her mom, but… it feels offand we feel bad. It’s like we’re constantly stepping out for the next stair and nothing is there.
9. We’re Not Fulfilled: Intimacy is Absent, Exaggerated, Forced, or Conditional:
The bond doesn’t deepen as the days go by. We have sex, but it starts to feel impersonal, sad or bad, and lonely. Or they won’t have sex with us and they get mad if we try to heat things up.
They tell us they can’t be “intimate” – for some reason. There’s a shifting of the issue onto us: they tell us we want too much sex or sex too much. Or they force sex. Maybe they video us, or ask if someone can join in… You might pretty much know they’re doing it with someone else.
We feel despondent and also desperate to please them in the absence of real intimacy. The natural thing that occurs is that within our minds we begin to substitute small things as signs of big closeness and as a sign that they do love us after all.
We start to think we’re super-loved by them when they do something super-small – like take the garbage out.
Tiny things take the place of intimate depth. We try harder, cook better, bake more, wash better, make more money, hurry faster, and give again and again. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with us. Staying is normal, trying is normal. Nothing changes, however, except we feel more and more alone and sad and worthless. Yet, eventually, this is what feeds into the whole thing falling apart.
Staying Silent is Normal
Sometimes the greatest lies are told in silence. We feel ashamed, hurt, isolated, and alone when they come at us in sex on overdrive. Drugs might become a way to cope with the unwanted or “off” sexual scenarios.
We try to convince ourselves dominance and ropes or sex only on Wednesday afternoons, or only if we’re “good” is okay.
We try to convince ourselves that one thing they want to do… is okay – when really, we don’t like it and don’t want it we feel stranded on an island of pain floating further and further away from love. And further and further from our life as we know or want it.
Emotions are messages from our body; feelings are how our mind feels about those emotions. The meaning we give them leads us to safety or trouble.
Pulled in many directions we float, almost out-of-body, and try to collect the pieces. We’re caught between our partner and our kids, between our partner and our parents.
There’s a panic, a lump of nausea in our gut, we try to bring things into focus, into line. We try to meet the regular needs of our kids, work, and family, and at the same time feel out of step with our partner and everything else.
Our mind is on figuring out the indefinable needs of our partner, resolving the rough bits, and making things look happy and great to everyone else. Mostly we feel like we’re failing, sinking. Constantly agitated and anxious, we hope no one notices.
11. We’re Uneasy: There’s Fighting and the Silent Treatment:
The bottom line is, that we’re afraid and apprehensive, cautious about how we approach them. If we ask where they went or if they’ve got $95 dollars to pay the cable bill the roof gets blown off the house with their indignant anger.
Ask why they came home so late and then don’t talk to us for three days. Wonder out loud why the gas tank is already on empty and we’re treated to rage from hell. – Sometimes even certain words we use make them angry.
Normal humans take responsibility for the problems in a relationship. The thing is, we aren’t in relationships when these things are going on. We’re hijacked by a user.
We feel like we might get something wrong and upset them. Certain “rules” or patterns fall into place and seem expected. We can’t break the rhythm that’s been set, a routine that caters to them. Maybe they tell us what to wear, or not wear. Where to go, or not go. When we can talk to our mom or tell us not to talk to our mom. Maybe… they get physical or make threats.
13. Abused Leads us to Feel We’re in the Wrong or We’re the Problem:
Feeling it’s our fault makes us feel like we don’t fit in, even in our own home. If we bring up the troubling thoughts on our minds, they tell us we’re imagining things They say if trusted them, didn’t question them, or could be patient, everything will be fine. They tell us because we’re so suspicious we’re ruining everything. We feel worse, nothing is resolved, and we feel less and less “at home”.
They say the most ridiculous things, and we try to make sense of them. That’s what “normal” does. Our brain and body do this naturally. We need things to make sense. We need harmony.
14. We Feel Like They Don’t Care About Important Things In Our Life:
In abuse, “supported” and “heard” go by the wayside; things we care about don’t faze them. Things in our lives we’d expect the person we’re dating or married to have an opinion about seem to never hit their radar. We get no response, or an odd reaction when our goldfish or our mom dies instead of any level of compassion.
We might get a blank stare, or a shrug and a grumble that doesn’t fit the circumstances – leaving us feeling like we’re falling through the air.
The fact is, our concerns and problems irritate them and put them on the spot. Our emotions threaten them from getting what they want. Sociopaths cannot relate to, feel, or understand the feelings we have. They truly don’t care. We see this in how they walk away so easily.
15. Things Aren’t a Two-Way Street:
We feel let down and like the only one “giving”. Things are one way for them and another for us. We feel like we don’t count. They can use our car or take our money to go meet someone for lunch, but we can’t freely borrow their iPad let alone their car (if they have one.) – When they do use our things they “adopt” them as if our Kindle or book bag is now theirs.
Maybe we do their laundry or stop by and feed their dog, but they’re unreliable or absent in support of us. Their birthday is a big deal, ours is usually not.
Typically on any holiday, we get nothing from them. We’re tending to their needs – and it seems expected, while they ignore our needs – unless – by reciprocating they get money, access to others they can make use of, or a place to live or something else they need or want.
16. We Feel We’re Being Lied To:
Things aren’t adding up. When they say certain things there’s a lurch in the pit of our stomach that floats up to shimmer in the back of our mind: something is not right. – And then sometimes they say the oddest things, that make no sense like: “You only think you love me. If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.”
17. We Feel Like We’re in a Nightmare:
We know we have no idea what’s going on. This is like nothing we’ve ever known. We did what people do in relationships and tried, and tried, and nothing changed. Then we’re scared. – Now, instead of feeling, that we’ll die without them, we feel we’ll die because of them.
Confusion, Exclusion, and Fear Signal We’re Being Used
These feelings signal this person isn’t into us for a normal or genuine reason. We’ve been put in a box for their personal use or gain and “normal” is never going to happen. Confusion and self-doubt are symptoms of the trauma and post-trauma of the deception and emotional or physical harm and of being used.
These feelings signal our “mate” has a life they keep us from. They more than likely have a past or current life we know nothing about.
They’re often married, usually live with someone, and have children we don’t know about. Have habits that are destructive, criminal records, or behavior that should be a crime if it isn’t.
Having these feelings within a relationship or friendship indicates our friend or partner is what people call a “narcissist”, from the DSM definitions of NPD. – But is usually a much more serious danger, an antisocial psychopath, known as a sociopath commonly a con man, a scammer. – Sociopaths cannot have genuine relationships and only bring inevitable harm.
Trust Our Gut: Our Instincts Have Real Meaning
We don’t have a feeling that something’s wrong for no reason. This feeling itself is proof that something is wrong. – Proof you’re being disrespected, deceived, and worse. These pathological users make use of others and have no genuine feelings of care or love for any others. They have no physiological, biological, mental, or emotional capacity to have these feelings. They never have and never will. – This is not because of us – it’s because of them.
Our feelings are proof. There’s no more proof needed. People like this cannot change. A sociopath wouldn’t want to change if they could.
This is a situation that will only escalate in harm and danger to us. It could be said these aren’t relationships, but an invasion or take-over for the convenience of the user. – A crime of deception. We’re being used.
Trust our gut. We don’t have these feelings without reason. Stand up for our lives. Give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We’re worthy and deserve all good things in life and love.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Junk and garbage and stuff they pretend to love. They leave a trail of pain and confusion… and their junk. Here’s what to do with it.
Are they gone…? Wahoo!! Congratulations!!! But does their old guitar and their cowboy boots and a suitcase and a sack of their junk still clutter your back bedroom?
Junk. Piles of junk. If we’ve lived with one of these nut-bags we know that they arrive with very little, take and use, and take and use, and then leave junk behind.
Guitar strings, photos, packs of candy, socks, dusty old hardened leather dress shoes…
Junk from Soup to Nuts
These nutters leave useless piles of coupons, receipts, old shoes, rumpled gum wrappers, a bent-up photo of some kid we’ve never seen or heard of before.
Car parts, bicycles, unopened delivery packages, their so-called beloved violin that they can’t live without, or basketball they used to shoot the game-winning free throw…
Getting their things out and refreshing our own home with compassion for ourselves and love and empathy towards ourselves is essential to healing, getting back to ourselves, and shifting forward to our bright future.
Junk, Toss Them and Toss Their Junk
Junk of every kind. Toasters, cameras, gym shoes, old underwear. Porn collections, bras, an ankle bracelet, stacks of People magazine from the ’80s, cords, and cables, a tennis racket, and a torn backpack. What’s this all about…?!
As sickening as it all is, there’s really nothing going on other than a sociopath being a sociopath. They are – really, really, and truly, all relentlessly identical. They do the same things, think the same way because their brains are specifically limited.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
A Predator Sociopath Is What They Are: Can’t Be Anything Else
That’s what makes someone a “sociopath”, this abnormal and specific type of brain. This brain doesn’t allow real attachment or connection or “care” for other humans, or for things, not even us, not even their own junk.
Junk is left behindbecausesociopaths have no emotional connection to humans or to things. They have no emotional nostalgia factor.
Objects, like people, only matter moment to moment for what they “offer” to the sociopath – importance or concern is directly in relation to the degree an object or a person improves their image or feeds their survival.
We fear they’ll come back for it and be mad it isn’t there… they’ll accuse us of stealing or take us to court, or worse. – They won’t. The legal fact is: they left it behind. It’s no longer theirs.
We all think about a ritual dance around burning flames, igniting their garbage in celebration of their absence, and exorcising their hideousness from our lives. There’s nothing wrong with doing this: burning their junk and dancing around the flames. I’m all for it!!
We Think the Monster Will Be Mad
Together, I laughed with one of the women he was living with while married to me (yes only one of them, there were three). We laughed and squealed over the digital wires carrying our voices some 3,000 miles to one another.
My dear fellow prey and I painted in the fantasy of a blazing bonfire of the absolute crap that represented his fake and miserable life... The burning pile, an effigy of his rotting, stinking soul.
Imagination Releases Us to Freedom
But then, there it is… We’re normal people. It isn’t that we’re not “too nice”, but do have trouble selling, giving away, or throwing someone else’s things away. At all times we’re responding like normal people in a very abnormal situation.
As normal people, we like to be “constructive” rather than “destructive”. Sometimes they leave valuable, useful stuff: a laptop, audio equipment, a brand new phone still in the box, Ferragamo shoes, a gold ring at the bottom of their moldering duffel bag. What do we do with the physical pile of rubble?
Sociopaths Care About Taking and Using
The things, none of that junky muck, are genuinely important to sociopaths. They have no nostalgia, sentimentality, or emotional connection to anything or anyone beyond the moment. The one tiny moment that they think they need it.to enhance their persona and story in order to bring the people and situations to make use of.
Junk and things and people all need to make them look good, normal. Junk and stuff and people only matter as much as they will bring them access to another person, or a reputation so they can get more. We lose a lot, but there are gains we can claim.
If Their Junk is In Your House, They’re In Your House
If their junk is in your house, then things aren’t quite over, yet… This might seem harmless enough… But it’s anything but harmless. Having their things in your home, your garage or attic or storage space means you’re still “in it”.
This means there’s a part of you that’s conscious of and affected by them and their belongings 24/7. They’re vibing in your space even if they’re gone and their junk is out of eyesight. To close to that feeling and effect when they were more deeply in your life.
There’s a part of you feeling responsible for their stuff, and so they’ve still got a grip on you… YUCK. What the heck is happening…? Leaving junk behind is sociopath normal. It’s not normal normal.
In A Normal Human Break Up…
When normal people have a breakup and move out: they take their stuff. You might accidentally leave a DVD or a CD or a pair of earrings or something in the back of a bathroom cabinet.
And so, you pick it up later – and done. That’s the end of it. Or maybe you say to your genuine ex: oh, yah, I forgot that, sorry, go ahead and toss it. Not the sociopath. When they go… be sure to toss their stuff out too. All of it. Make sure they leave nothing behind. Not one hairpin, not one matchbook. Why…? You can’t break truly free or restore your life with their merde in your space.
What’s going on…?! You might think you’re being nice by saving it so carefully. And you’re scared to throw it out. You think they’ll accuse you of stealing it if you toss it. And – drum roll: so you don’t go no contact. They don’t want any of it. That stuff keeps a hold on you. And that’s their point!
Thye Leave Stuff Everywhere: You Aren’t Special
That, and they just don’t care about that stuff. Did you know sociopaths leave things behind everywhere they hide out or nest…? Everywhere. Everyone’s home. In every prey’s condo, townhouse, villa or palace is a pile of junk they leave behind. No matter what it is, a Steinway, a Babolat tennis racquet – it’s junk to them.
I know it’s hard to imagine that their personal belongings aren’t personal. Remember: these are creatures without the ability to have a positive emotional attachment or care for: anything. All people, places, and things hold value for them only as far as that person, place, or thing’s immediate use and benefit to them.
They leave stuff behind not because they care about the stuff… They don’t care about the stuff but like to keep a grip on you. Really. Feel free to toss it.
Every Sociopath Is Alike
Here’s my tiny real-life example: The dirtbag I married left stuff: audio equipment, clothes, people’s business cards, a notebook, receipts from money wire transfers, his dinners, and outings. As he packed to leave he was careless, hasty, in a hurry, and sloppy. (Sound familiar?)
There was one item he was frantic about. Without his realizing I was watching him, I saw him clutch it, almost in a panic, and double-check that it was in his main suitcase three times. What was it? This fabulous item…? Was it diamonds or Krugerrands? Nope: It was a photo of his mother.
Socioapths Have a Kit of the Important Stuff
This photo of mom – this item – was also the first thing that showed me when he moved in, placing it on a shelf in my living room. Along with a story about how much he loved his mother and how sad he is that she has passed away. Which he repeated and embellished over the following months. All the stories about his mom were lies.
How do I know this?: Another of his women knew his mother. She told me the real story. This scumbucket used this photo of his mother as an empathy ploy, as bait to sound normal and amazing. That photo was part of his kit. He needed that photo to gain what he wanted. End of story.
I Get It: Here’s the thing: Did you know you can lie to a sociopath and they believe whatever you say? After you toss their stuff, if somehow they do reach you and say: “Where’s my old pack of bologna…? You can say, “What pack of bolgona? You didn’t leave anything here.” – Click. – Be sure you truly go full zero contact.
What to Do with the Junk a Sociopath Leaves at Our Place?
So, is their junk in your closet in the hallway? Two words: toss it. They already took the junk they wanted. You deserve freedom, joy, and every happiness. And a home without their junk. P.S. merde is French for “shit”. You can’t break truly free or restore your life with their merde in your space.
Option One: Let It Sit There and Make us Sad
As ridiculously painful as this is, it happens. We all know that, for heck’s sake. Hopefully, this isn’t our choice because of sentimental feelings tugging our heartstrings over the life-stealing scum-bucket. – Let the junk go.
These are things they left behind because they hold no meaning to the sociopath… and if it messes with us a little, so be it – they don’t mind that, and it’s a foot back in the door. Remove that wedge into our lives – toss the junk.
With our normal limbic brain, we feel obligated to take care of someone’s things if we find them in our possession. We don’t touch or take other people’s things in our normal world. And… we’re scared not to save it. What if they come back for it? Or try to sue us for it..?
What if the sun turns green… It’s never going to happen. Sociopaths are notorious for leaving things behind everywhere they roam. Get some really big heavy-duty garbage bags or old cardboard boxes ready. Let the junk go.
Option Three: Throw it Away Immediately.
It’s really okay to do this. – And it feels fantastic. Burn it. Dance around the flames. Drink champagne. Sing at the top of our lungs, “Free at last…”
Sociopaths Leave Things Behind: Dogs Marking Territory
Option Four: Donate It
We’re good people after all and one man’s junk… There are classic go-to’s for donating clothing, household goods, books, CD’s, DVD’s, even eyeglasses.
Goodwill: An old standard. Search online to find a local drop off location. They employ mentally challenged people, training them in retail skills and life skills. Search their site to find where to take this stuff, give it a fresh start, and renewed life as we do the same for ourselves.
Salvation Army: They make scheduled pick-ups of bulky items or larger amounts of goods. Otherwise, they have drop-off centers at their stores and kiosk locations. Salvation Army houses, counsels, and feeds the homeless and down and out. They shelter and feed kids who’ve aged out of the foster care system at 18 with nowhere to go.
1-800-Got-Junk: They pick up junk with a big truck, but we pay them for the service.
Sociopaths Feel No Emotional Nostalgia for Stuff or People
Option Five: Sell It
The things, none of that junk, is genuinely important to sociopaths. They have no nostalgia, sentimentality or emotional connection to anything or anyone beyond the moment. The one tiny moment that they think they need it in order to enhance their persona or story in order to bring them people and situations to make use of.
I’m a huge fan of this one!! A simultaneous target of the nutter who hijacked me made $600 bucks selling a boom mic and $1200 selling other audio equipment gifted by the manufacturer as a sponsor for an event he was planning (scamming), he shipped the gear to her in another country where he intended to run!
I myself had a gigantic party with 20 cases of Heineken sent to the event venue in Beverly Hills in a sponsorship agreement as well for his upcoming (not) comedy (not) production (it never happened, because the venue dropped him.)
How and Where Can We Sell This Junk…?
eBay – We’ve all heard of eBay. But… it’s so public and we might be more comfortable doing this on the down-low. We can make a new email that doesn’t reflect our name.
Create a user name that isn’t “us,” doesn’t hint at who we are, or how we’re feeling about the dirtbag. List the items with that email address. Dump the junk and line our pocket.
Craig’s List – Probably the easiest and one of the quickest ways to offload their (usually stolen in the first place, or coerced from another target) television, Aeron office chair, bicycle, or trumpet. We need to take decent photos of the thing, describe it, name a price, or go with “Best Offer.”
Your Privacy is Kept On Craigslist
In order to give or sell things on Craigslist, create an account on Craigslist, your name or contact will not be seen in listings, we can have inquiries by prospective buyers sent via the Craiglist server into our email inbox, then we reply to them from our own email address.
Consider making an email address that doesn’t reflect our name. Only give out a location, phone numbers in order for someone to pick up the thing they’re buying and to give us cash. – I’ve done this, it works. Follow your gut.
Give it Away On Craigslist
There’s also a “Free” stuff category on Craig’s List. Here in Los Angeles this is incredibly commonly used. You snap a photo, put stuff on the curb. Announce it on CL as a give-away free item and list an address a few houses down from yours. An intersection will do. Set it out in front of your place or that one a bit down the block. Whatever that is will be gone in 30 minutes.
ETSY: If It’s Vintage or Art or Handmade
ETSY – If you have a collection of say, old records, rare books, or supplies to build crafty things they might find a new home through ETSY. It’s a matter of setting up a “store,” making a bio and a banner and taking photos, and giving product descriptions… a lot of work.
I mention it here because it’s a great and refreshing resource of things to buy that are handmade, vintage, or supplies for jewelry or jam making. Look around… we might get some ideas for a new venture of our own!
A Great Place to Dump Their Junk.
Never Liked It Anyway – This is a super-smart trendy, current, hip site for selling your “exes” stuff! List items for sale and rake in the dough. Buy stuff, sell stuff, they have a fresh blog of breakup articles, and more. Make a profile, list the item, someone buys it, NeverLikedIt gets a small fee from the sale price and gives 10% of that to The American Heart Association.
They also ship the item to the buyer and send freshly minted freedom in dollars and cents straight to you. No risk of getting a payment for the buyer. Never Liked it Anyway – too bad we can’t sell the socio-freak off along with their trash to a life sentence in Hades. – By the way, Never Liked It is on IG: @neverlikedit
Where to Offload Bigger Things and House Hold Items
EBTH – The Premier Estate Sale Market Place – This is for those left with a LOT. Like some big things, maybe a house full of furniture you want to unload. Not sure which states they operate in. Investigate… There are surely similar companies in most cities.
Habitat for Humanity – A long-established and much-loved organization that makes a home a reality for many lower-income people, or survivors of natural and life disasters and tragedy.
Habitat stores sell donated goods, they also use donations for home construction and for their home renovation grant projects. Perfect if the nut-job left a toilet seat in the garage or a tool kit, or drill.
Give That Stuff New Life: Furnish Someone’s Home
Humble Designs – This incredible organization fills the new apartments of those coming out of shelters and homelessness with beds, bedding, kitchenware, tables, chairs, lamps, desks, night lights, art, and love. They make a haven for those who’ve survived violence or loss.
Get Them Out of Our Home: Out of Our Bones
Free ourselves of their scent, their aura, their junk, their grip… let every last piece fly out the door. Turn their trash into someone else’s treasure and a new beginning. Create value from their malevolence and absence of care for humanity. We’ve got enough love to go around!
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
