Every one of these hijackings is identical. It seems impossible because we each think “our relationship” is unique. How can we be sure to see the signs before it starts?
I was out the other day with my niece. She’s, you know, in that first blush of time when she and her friends are dating and the dating is shifting into forming relationships that, for some of them, might turn into lasting partnerships…
This particular day, as we wandered around window shopping, my niece was invested and passionate as she described a bad breakup her friend Olivia just went through.
As soon as she started talking about this “break up”… I knew. She described her friend’s heartache and confusion with confusion of her own. My niece was affected by the trauma and madness that her friend was under as a piece of a sociopathic entrapment. No question in my mind.
She said this break up of her friend’s – from her first real boyfriend, “doesn’t make sense“, that months later her friend “can’t get over it“, and how “it started great” And, here’s how she told me about it:
“So Olivia has this friend in New York she knows from school, so she went to see her and that’s where she met *him* – cause he’s her friend’s friend – and they were vibin’ and playing music all day together for two days, and after she left they’d Face Time each other and they were really just like a total match. He even looked like her! And… yah...”
Post the traumatic event, we want new. Afterward, we urgently want a new place. Or a new job, different friends, maybe a new name. Take it one thing at a time.
You’d think at the end of things, we’d be relieved. And we are. And then the post-trauma hits. Post-trauma… after the departure from the monster, well this is when we “freak out”. And rightly so. After any kind of traumatic event, at the end of it, that’s when things hit us emotionally.
This is normal. In the aftermath we have a sense of urgency. It’s incredibly common in post-trauma to feel we need to move, to change, to go, go, go to get out of here. To vacate the scene of the crime.
Post-trauma is rife with too much. Too much to be dealt with. Too much to figure out. Too much to explain. Clear things up for ourselves. Think of it as weeding the garden.
In the post-trauma and even further along in the post-post-trauma we need things streamlined, cleared up, and cleaned out. Make life as simple as possible.
There’s so much to manage. Things that aren’t truly supporting our life and our restoration are simply and truly too much. Dump ’em like sorting out rusty hinges and broken tricycles and tattered stained curtains. Here are some things we can do to weed our garden.
Solo holidays starkly, sharply illuminate the post-shit-show aloneness we’re sitting right in the middle of. Yes, it’s better now that its over, but the PTSD and reality of “now” makes for less than cozy solo holidays if sorrow takes hold of us.
So, the breakup happened. You’re on your own. This means that solo holidays are here. Looming-ominous since a few weeks ago, now it’s really just right here. The day of Hanukah. Christmas Eve. Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day… And holy heck before we know it: Valentine’s Day.
Everyone’s walking around smiling and aiming arrows at our hearts and souls with sparkly, effervescent, Happy Holidays!!! If it makes you wanna punch ’em, rest assured you’re not alone in this sentiment.
And if one more clerk at Trader Joe’s says: What are you doing for the Holidays?… I catch myself thinking, to the moon, to the moon, Alice. – Well, I can’t let myself feel so bad over some made-up days mid-winter. Or mid anything. Ever.
Heal PTSD with a glass of water? You betcha! Our health takes a rapid-pitch decline after the scam. A tonic for recovery comes in a humble glass of water.
Heal PTSD with a glass of water…? One glass may not change our world, but drinking that first glass then another and another marked a turning point for me from adrenaline overwhelm and trauma-survival-habits to healing.
In the aftermath and the initial shock in post-trauma eating wasn’t on my radar, and drinking meant coffee or wine.
For each of us as we scurry and panic and fly running errands to untangle the messes left behind by these creatures, the last thing we think about is preparing nutritious meals for ourselves. – As if we could choke them down.
Binding prey is a 24-hour a day job for predators. Pathological predators and parasites are the slimy creatures we call narcs and narcissists and indeed, they are sociopaths.
We think we’ve found a perfect match. A relationship made in heaven. This fades as we discover something else is happening here.
This time – don’t believe their ridiculous words. Go with your gut. Grab that uneasy feeling and hold onto it. That off the ground feeling is in fact where the truth lives.
Binding prey is paramount to a predator’s survival. Sex, for a sociopath, is a tool, a very important tool. Because binding prey is reliant on sex. And though the word on the street is that sociopaths are great at sex, this – like everything else about them, is a buncha hooey.
Most sociopaths are quite bad at sex. (“Narcissists” if that’s your terminology of choice for the pathological user who hijacked your life.)
The real thing is: using sex as a tool to bind other humans so that you can make use of them for your own purposes is not allowed to be called: being great at sex. – No, it’s a crime. It’s called misrepresentation, fraud, and coercion; it’s rape.
Binding and Winding is The Sociopaths Way of Life
Sociopaths – you might call them a narc, a narcopath, or a narcissist – all spend the hours of all their days binding prey. And they all have lots of people they’re ensnaring at one time.
It’s necessary that they keep a flock of prey; real people who think they are this person’s girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé, or spouse, or partner.
None of us are any of this. We are not girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, or spouses. We aren’t finances. No matter how much we felt it, no matter how much lived as if we were that from our side of things… We are each and only prey. Not one of us deserved this. We didn’t make this happen. – It’s them and what they are.
Pathological Predators: People Who Make Use of Others
The predator keeps a grip on what we could call, birds-of-every-feather. There’s the party person, the public-respectability-facade-spouse person. And the side-dish house-mouse who cooks, cleans, does laundry, and waits at home.
There are so many people in the lives of the user; the causal friends they date, the finances. And then there are the people who open a business with them or work for them or give them a job. And those who unwittingly provide the cash-ola they go on benders with.
They’ve always got the down-low raunchy person who they let it all out with. Usually – okay – let’s be real: always, there is more than one person who fills each of these roles for the pathological user, all at one time.
Binding Prey: Withholding Sex and Intimacy
Any of us relegated as live-in prey within the sociopath’s realm, we know the real deal. We know that behind the pretty face of it, that inside the house: We sleep in separate rooms.
The thing is: There is no sex. And this in itself makes sex a tool that binds prey. Most of us are left sad and hurting wondering wtf! when a sociopath withholds sexual intimacy. There’s a reason they stop the sex. There’s a reason it makes us sad.
Again, in our way of normal thinking, we first look to ourselves. We reflect on ourselves as the reason they turn away and sleep down the hall.
Or on the couch. Or in the kids’ room. We feel deeply wounded that it’s something about us that has them not wanting us. And our natural feeling and thinking and our natural trusting conclusions are encouraged by them.
Normal Looks For Solutions and Takes Responsibility
As normal people, we look for a magnanimous, generous reason that takes any fault away from the person we don’t yet know is a sociopath. Being refused and rejected in sexual intimacy causes harm. It leads us to think we’re the problem and this becomes a double helix of trauma.
Stand tall. You’re a part of this revolutionary discovery. We’re the grass roots leaders of changing the face and story of sexual abuse.
This is normal. And rubbish. We are not at fault… They’re the cause of every drop of everything that’s wrong. Their reason for being with us is not for the reason we’d imagine in a normal relationship.
They know this isn’t a relationship in the way we naturally assume it to be one. We assume responsibility for being rejected as if all the things that are tilted, off, weird, strange, odd, full of holes, make us feel like we’re not on solid ground, and the constant confusion is our own fault.
They’re all for this because this buys a pathological user lots more time to make more use of us.
We Look for Explanations for Their Abnormal Sexual Rejection
As normal people, we take responsibility for all the parts of our relationship. – This is normal. We know in our heart of hearts it can’t just be us. It’s reasonable to look for answers. Considering that there may be something going on with them is what comes next for us.
For me, in my search to explain, find answers, bridge the chasm between his bed and mine and relationship build, Googling along I found something called: sexual anorexia. It’s also called intimacy anorexia. Sociopaths do not have sexual anorexia, which includes sexual addiction and refusal to have sex with primary partners, they’re simply sociopaths.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In my story with this predator that I married, thinking that sexual anorexia or intimacy anorexia was the reason he slept in another room brought a shift. I vaulted into another kind of pain and deep, deep sadness.
Though I thought I’d found an answer, geez Louise… What an answer!! My mind raced: Wow. Is this my life? I’d look at him while he jabbered at me, and think: Does my husband have sexual anorexia..? And wonder: How can I bring it up? How can we work through it…?
Questioning and Seeking Takes Us Further
And thankfully I had another thought – a question. This was a saving grace. It left space open to observing rather than diving into working on things. The question was: Do I want to do this…? As I asked myself this question and watched him, he did what every con-artist-user does: He revealed himself to be something beyond even sexual anorexia.
Sex is used to bind prey in the dark and winding, unending vicissitudes of isolated, lonely pain.
He showed instead something unanswered and so strange. At that time as I watched him, it was still indefinable for me… I didn’t know about the reality of psychopaths. I did know the answer to his coming home later and later and then snoring in another room had not been found. So, I kept watching and looking for other answers.
The sadness in this discovery – a discovery I believed to be real for him, was incalculable. The span of time that I did believe this and the destruction he brought in that time was unbelievable. – Don’t worry, my writing about this won’t give sociopaths any new tricks. I’m writing about it for us: They already know about it.
Our Nature and The Sociopaths’ Nature: A Lethal Mix For Us is Survival For Them
These nut jobs have no sexual anorexia or intimacy issues in the scope of something normal. They withhold because they’re not interested in sex in any normal way. Period. Nor are they interested in us in any normal way. Period. Sex for a sociopath, a.k.a. an antisocial psychopath is not at all what it is for normal people.
Sex to the pathological users – and all things and all people – are for their own entertainment or to serve the purpose of bringing them the things they want… Everything they get is taken through deception. Additionally, sex for the sociopath is a psychological release; a high… You know the happy ending.
In heterosexual predatory situations, in which a female sociopath is preying on a normal human male, they are aware that normal human men are easily bound in and mesmerized when they exude sexuality and an interest in sex; by making sexual innuendos, by dressing in sexy clothes, by pretending that they are lusting after the man, and can’t get enough of the man and etc…and by having sex with them. Sorry – but it’s fake. Let’s face it, regular normla men can be pretty delighted to realize this woman will go for anal sex, for porn, for three-somes…for anything and everything. Sure they do, just as male sociopaths do. If a female sociopath thought a man they were preying upon was pious and expected a virgin, they’d play that role. – You may have been treated as as sex doll, just as male sociopaths use some prey as sex dolls: they also both withhold sex from other prey if they want to as a way not to get rid of prey, but to bind them. I’ve had male clinets who were sex dolls, those who were framed for rape, and those who were totally rejected sexually with the same kinds of excuses male sociopaths give to female prey to get out of sex. – Both male and female sociopaths don’t use condoms. Females do this frequently in order to gain a baby… Babies equal money and property to them. (They also don’t mind having abortions if that’s the direction they go; there’s also the morning after pill.) Indeed all sociopaths have no limits. Many use lots of drugs, some don’t. All sociopaths have sex with any gender and will do anything. Literally: sociopaths will be or can be sexual with any gender, any age, any species with equal ease. – In actual fact: male and female sociopaths are mentally identical. They are identical because they have the same abnormal brain that is the root of this pathology. – Sociopathy is not “about power”: it’s about taking and using and doing whatever they please. Sociopaths believe everything belongs to them. Their goal is to get your stuff. To use you. And don’t forget: they can’t NOT behave this way. They do not love, like, or care or have any actual emotional attraction to anyone. – Sociopaths despise us. They use sex for their own entertainment, and to bind prey. – Check my other articles about female sociopaths here on my website.
Binding Prey and Rejection Leads Us To Try Harder
For us normal humans, being rejected by them once we’re in this “relationship” dynamic leads us to try harder, to yearn to please them in the weirdest, strangest feeling.
The rejection ignites a desire within us to please them more in every way, in general. We embark on a natural and driven attempt to make things better. There is a feeling of being pulled to please them.
It feels like crap. And we do it. This is normal. You recall that constant duality of “doing” and feeling unhinged at the same time. And so, the pathological lying-user gets a cleaner house, fresher laundry, a better dinner… And most of all: we keep quiet…
Treading more softly, we expect less and don’t bug them as much… And this – this – our shut-mouth – this is what they’re really after. They want us to not bug them so they can do and be what they are: Despicable predatory, parasitic deceivers from hell.
Sociopaths put up a front. They say they can’t be intimate because they have trust issues. Some attempt to explain it away by telling stories of an inability to trust because of past betrayal, or being abused.
This is also often their explanation when we discover that they’re “cheating” and realize their sloppily hidden rampant porn use. They hide this all so pathetically poorly.
Our natural and inherently normal trust lets the sociopath off the hook for months or even years. They have no idea what trust is. This time – don’t believe their ridiculous words. Go with your gut. Grab that uneasy feeling and hold onto it. That off-the-ground feeling is in fact where the truth lives.
Stop the room from spinning. There’s more to know.
We Search For Answers: They Know They’ve Bound Us
We try to find a reason behind the abnormal sexual rejection. They come up with more flimsy and ever-changing reasons for their physical withdrawal from us: Religious beliefs, or health problems, they say it’s us, or they say nothing at all.
The thing is, binding prey was the goal. The sociopath doesn’t need to be binding us with sex. We’re already hooked… They’re very busy binding new prey sexually. The creature is busy having sex with many other women and men. As many as possible. They keep this hidden as much as they can.
Binding Prey: Forced Sex, Bartering, and Threats
The second way that these rotten beings spin their madness binding prey using sex as a tool is horrific and cruel beyond any words. This almost became my story, twice.
My guess is that two of the people I dated in my life, way previous to the sociopath I married, would surely have gone down this road. I didn’t know the word sociopath or psychopath, but I knew danger was buzzing and extricated myself before they got their hooks in.
A psychopath is a sociopath and vice versa. They are both antisocial psychopaths medically. This means they have abnormal brains in their heads. Every thought, word, and deed comes from their abnormal brain. And our not knowing this buys them more time while we suffer in rejection, sadness, pain, and trauma.
They’re Different Than Us Biologically: Yep for Reals
These abnormal brains have them living a life of zero limits as far as what they’ll say or do to get what they want. They have zero genuine regard for anyone outside of themselves. The delineation between psychopaths and sociopaths is found in the depths to which they enjoy others’ pain.
The more they enjoy others’ pain, the more likely they are to use brutal sex to bind prey. Sex is used in bartering for money, allowance, food, permission to go somewhere or see someone, or whatever the psychopath is focused on.
Sexual acts become a bargaining chip, blackmailing leverage, and pure punishment for non-existent crimes. Sex is used to bind prey in the dark and winding, unending vicissitudes of isolated, lonely pain.
This reality of a sociopath can seem incredible to think of as real. But lthink of this… Mental health professionals are not allowed to give the official diagnosis of “antisocial psychopath” to anyone under legal age. Because that’s how serious it is. That’s how permanent it is. And how real it is.
Nothing About This is a Relationship: These are Crimes
The real reason is: they don’t have any emotional connection to us. They do not care for us or about us. There is no love from a sociopath or that person you might be calling a narc or a narcissist but is really a sociopath.
There is no love for anyone. Not a soul. Sex for a sociopath is an unlimited carnal impulse and has the effect of being a tool in order to make use of others as they please – nothing more.
And in real life, this heinous crime can bring on cancer, autoimmune diseases, and of course, STDs are visited upon prey. For anyone who finds themselves pregnant, this is a harrowing dilemma of its own.
It’s normal to try and to stay. Narcissistic abuse recovery.
Real Humans Stay and Try
As regular normal humans, when there’s a break-down in the connection between ourselves and our partner, we crave and need an explanation that offers hope for change. Maybe while searching, like me you’ll come across the condition of sexual anorexia. If you do, as I did you’d naturally think: we’ll get through it together.
We believe that then, working together on the issues or problems, things will be amazing. Connection will be restored and deepened. This is how normal humans do it.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound Podcast
No One Thinks to Leave Before Trying
There’s not a single one of us who has ever been told When you’re in a relationship at the first sign of something you don’t like, end it. Not a single one of us has heard the advice: if things are not perfect, walk out. – So please, stop telling people who find themselves in these hijackings, You should have left.
Be 100% sure this is not what you say to yourself. This is not your fault, you are not to blame… They are monsters and nothing about us makes them one. It takes as long as it takes to break the sociopath-spell.
Normal is Far From This Narcissistic Pathology
There couldn’t be more of a clash between any two things on earth like there is between a sociopath and a normal human. The existence of this kind of human and our differences are only just beginning to come to light.
Stand tall. You’re a part of this revolutionary discovery. We’re the grassroots leaders of changing the face and story of sexual abuse. As we break up with evil, one by one by one of us, we’re changing the world to a place of true humanity and peace.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses. It’s not a match made in heaven. It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
We Do the Things Normal People Do In Love
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperately that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
All We Need to Fall In Love
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Love with a Sociopath is a Life of Two Parallel Realities
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
All Normal Humans Are Emotional: There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Here’s what will ruin us after it’s over:
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
We’re codependent, weak
Have low self-esteem
It’s our fault, we’re crazy
And stupid, and addicted to the narcissist
Blame lies with us, because we ignored red flags
There’s that “work” we need to do on ourselves
We’ve been naive, got hooked because we went through abuse as kids
And There’s More Malarkey We Hear About Our Love with a Sociopath
You’ve likely heard it…
That we pick the wrong guy or gal to fall in love with
Have a pattern of abusive relationships
Always get it wrong
We fell for it because we’re older or because our dog just died, or we’re needy
Not wanting to be alone made it happen
It happened because we wanted marriage and kids
Loving a sociopath happened because they made us feel safe
We fell for it because we don’t have enough money
Our insecurity led us to think they could help us do something or be something
We were blind, and in denial, our friends told us but we didn’t listen
And most of all, don’t we know if something’s too good to be true… it isn’t real
None of these is true. And there are very good things that are very true
How To Heal After Loving a Sociopath
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Different kinds of abuse in relationships aren’t as clear as we might think. Passion isn’t always love. By Zoe Parsons of @SelfLoveAfterAbuse
Different kinds of abuse in relationships make up a mind bending kaleidoscope of domestic abuse, additionally, abusers aren’t simply wounded souls.
Not only are the different kinds of abuse elusive, we hear a lot of words used to talk about abusers from narc to narcopath to narcissist but there’s more.
I found Jennifer Smith and True Love Scam Recovery on Instagram! This led me to Jennifer’s website.
I was living in different kinds of abuse for six years, it started out like any normal relationship until it became clear I’d been tricked by a man who took advantage of me and was a narcissistic abuser namely, a sociopath. Ultimately, sociopaths are pure narcissism and bring only harm.
When I met the man who deceived and used me, I didn’t know about different kinds of abuse or the things we see afterward as red flags. I thought domestic violence, abuse was a black eye. I didn’t know what sociopaths were.
Know Different Kinds of Abuse and Signs of Being Used and Abused
I didn’t know there are many different kinds of abuse with signs that come first from ourselves, and because he never gave me a black-eye, I thought our relationship was just passionate!
I’ve been free for three years now. My journey to freedom started with educating myself. If you can understand what abuse is and how it happens, it makes it easier to move forward from it and heal.
All Different Kinds of Abuse Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves
One of the effects of the abuse was thinking badly about my self. For the first time in my life, I started to have a negative body image. After getting away, pressing charges and taking my life back I became a spokesperson for body image as an Ambassador for Be Real Campaign, U.K. So let’s talk about the different kinds of abuse I mentioned earlier.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is an attack on your emotions and feelings. If your partner makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive. it’s abusive. When we’re being stopped from expressing our self, it’s abusive. If we’re changing our actions to accomodate our partner’s behavior, there are different kinds of abuse going on.
Let’s Look at Kinds of Emotional Abuse
Calling you names and putting you down.
Yelling and screaming at you.
Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
Telling you what to do and wear.
Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.
Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of your outside relationships.
Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
Saying things that confuse or manipulate you, this is what people call gaslighting.
Making you feel guilty when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
Threatening to expose your secrets.
Threatening to have your children taken away.
Different Kinds of Abuse Allow Us to Break Leases
Want to move to escape abuse? In Illinois you can break an apartment lease legally under the Safe Homes Act, with a letter. First, write to your landlord explaining you’re leaving due to, “credible imminent threat” under the Safe Home Act. Don’t forget, your landlord needs 30-days notice and the keys. You’re free to leave before the 30 days are up. It only takes fear of an abuser to qualify; no police report, no P.O. Be sure to find out about this in your state.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact. Be aware, this can be objects thrown at you or fists. Sometimes it’s the wall they punch, this is still abuse. Sometimes physically abusive behavior doesn’t cause pain or leave a bruise, but it’s still physical abuse.
Scratching, pinching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
Pulling your hair.
Shaking, pushing or pulling you.
Grabbing your clothing.
Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, or other weapons.
Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you somewhere.
Scalding or burning you.
Spitting on you.
Forcing you to swallow something that hurts you, or medication you don’t need or drugs.
Damaging your property; throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors.
Sexual abuse is any action that pressures or coerces you to do something sexually you don’t want to do. It can involve begging, insults, threats, force, violence, name-calling, blackmail.
Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Rape or attempted rape. This can happen within a marriage.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting your access to birth control.
Making sexual contact with you if you are very drunk, drugged, unconscious.
Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
Carrying our sexual activity when we haven’t been able to say yes or no.
Pressuring or forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Pressuring you to let them a video or take photos of sexual activity or poses.
Putting you down for not having threesomes or do other things you don’t want to.
Forcing you into prostitution. Putting you down for not engaging in sexual things you don’t want to do.
And the flip side: Claiming you want sex too much, making you feel bad for wanting intimacy. Claiming impotence when there is no medical reason for it. Refusing to be intimate or sexual with you.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse can be very subtle. It can include telling you what you can and can’t buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone have the right to use withholding money to control you.
Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
Using your details to obtain bad credit loans without your permission.
Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
Using funds from your joint savings account without your knowledge.
Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.
Giving you presents or paying for things expecting you to return the favor.
Digital Abuse
Digital abuse is the use of technology to block, bully, harass, or stalk you. Another form is, limiting or setting rules about when you can use your digital devices or contact friends or how you use social media. Remember, in a healthy relationship, all communication is respectful whether in person, online or by phone.
Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on social media.
Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails or online messages.
Uses social media sites to keep constant tabs on you.
Puts you down in their status updates.
Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and/or demands you send some in return.
Pressures you to send explicit videos or sexts.
Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear you will be punished.
Frequently looks through your phone, your pictures, texts, and outgoing calls.
Uses technology such as spyware, a GPS tracker or audio bug to monitor you.
Spiritual abuse isn’t limited to a certain religion or denomination. Any person is capable of perpetrating spiritual abuse including pastors, ministers or other representatives of a belief system or group. Some claim authority and to be the gateway to spiritual freedom that doesn’t exist without them. Sadly, in abuse, our significant other can take on this role too.
Abuse is anyone ridiculing or insulting your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Prevents you from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Uses your religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame you.
Forces the children to be raised in a faith that you have not agreed to.
Uses religious writings or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors, such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse and marital rape.
Abuse is about controlling and using others for their own gain – not love!
Abusers will use various tactics to keep you manageable and in their “possession”. These tactics are what keep you trapped, confused, going around in circles, not knowing what’s happening. The only way to break this cycle is to remove yourself from it, you need to leave or get them removed from your home.
Passion Isn’t Always Love
You might be like me, thinking the relationship is just full of passion rather than full of many kinds of abuse. I thought maybe it was that we were culturally different, that I was doing something wrong and making him unhappy.
These kinds of abuse caused me to change myself to win his approval… You might do what I did: I stopped seeing friends and family because he said they didn’t like him, I wouldn’t wear my favorite dress anymore because he said it made men look at me. He said he did all the things he did that were truly kinds of abuse because he wanted to protect me and keep me safe because he “loved” me.
Happily Ever After Starts with Us
I want you to know that a happy ending is possible, but you won’t find it with an abusive partner or any of the different kinds of abuse in a relationship. I’ve been free three years now, and I’m happier now than ever before. He’s in prison for what he did to me, and I’m making a safe and happy life with my daughter. If I can get free, so can you!
Thank you Zoe Parsons, for sharing your story and your experience and thoughts!
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Narcs, narcissists… Sociopaths care so little (not at all) and take so much. And leave things behind we’d rather not have, like herpes. There is help and hope.
Herpes brings a heart-breaking and emotional huge hit… And it always means: someone gave us herpes. And here we’re talking about yet another piece of our lives that changes because of these dirt-bag predator sociopaths… A gift that keeps on giving.
These losers ignore our birthdays but leave behind the gift of their old junk, disaster, despair, confusion… and STDs. We can and must throw away their pieces of trash and the rubble of old guitars and weird sex toys, resolve our losses and truly heal and recover all the way.
Sooooo Many People Have Herpes: For Reals
While herpes isn’t exactly cocktail party conversation it’s a good bet at least one in every six people standing there sipping a mai-tai or an Aperol spritz has herpes. Look around at work and count off six people. One of them has it.
Do the same with your family and relatives or a group of friends. – They might not be talking about it, but they’re dealing with it. – Oh, and that flat-mate with a cold sore…? That’s herpes.
Herpes comes along with feelings of shame and sadness. You’re not alone in thinking you’re ruined or “damaged goods”.
Pretty much anyone who contracts herpes goes through this. And it feels so bad when we’re sick with it. – My idea is that we can put this shame and self-devaluing aside in favor of a little more logic and calm and self-compassion.
Herpes is a virus. The first time we get sick from it feels a lot like the flu – only kinda worse. There’s no throwing up, but you might run a fever and have a horrible headache.
Herpes affects our emotions big-time. We feel depressed, exhausted, worn out, sad, hopeless, lethargic, unable to think, can’t focus – cause yah, we’re sick, and we feel just super bad.
Sound familiar? These are a lot like post-trauma emotions. Yikes. – Go to bed. Sleep. Don’t think about serious things or try to make any decisions at this time. Chill. Grab your Teddy bear.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
The key thing is, herpes is passed from contact with someone else’s herpes outbreak. Yep and yuck. There’s no way to get it or give it aside from body-to-body contact.
Though, they do warn that herpes can come along and hop on over to our place in someone’s bodily fluids and saliva making condoms our friend. we know male sociopaths usually refuse to wear condoms. We know they lie about anything and everything, we know they don’t care. So.
For sure, It does not come from toilet seats or locker room floors. It doesn’t come from sharing a hairbrush or by hugging.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Two Types of Herpes
Herpes comes in two versions: Herpes I and Herpes II. – The essential difference is one of them is on the face the other is in our underpants. The first one, around the mouth, is commonly called a “cold sore”.
Even babies can have them because even a baby can get herpes if say, an adult or older kid with herpes sore on their mouth kisses the baby. I have a friend who innocently and at first unknowingly gave her baby Herpes Simplex Virus I just this way.
Herpes II is more adult. It goes on when we get down to it while one of us has an active herpes outbreak. Intercourse or soft skin such as tongues making contact with a herpes blister or sore transmits the virus.
Saliva and bodily fluids are said to pass the virus from one person to another as well. – And we get it immediately, like in a few days from contact. There’s just no way that nasty little painful, blister thingy is not going to be passed along.
What does herpes look like? Click here. Sorry, it’s yucky.
When Is Herpes Contagious?
Herpes is most contagious when sores are open and wet when fluid from the herpes blisters is oozing. Here’s the little-known factoid: herpes can also “shed” and get passed to others when there are no sores and your skin looks totally normal.
It’s now known, that people can get herpes from saliva rather than someone who’s an active sore. For some people, the virus can live in your body for years without exhibiting symptoms.
So, it could be really hard to know when you got it or who gave it to you. But let’s be real: we know. We know.
The herpes virus is pretty sneaky just like the dirtbag. The virus dies fast-fast outside the body – holding hands, coughing, and sneezing doesn’t pass it. – It is though, part of the chickenpox and shingles family.
What to Do If We Get Herpes
Sadly, herpes is a virus that then lives in our body – forever. We may not have break-outs forever or be sick from it forever. Really. As time goes by the virus can become dormant and not bug us at all! Truly!
And guess what…? One in six people has herpes. That’s only the people who have reported it to a doctor or gone to a doctor for a diagnosis. So, between you and me, don’t-cha think this figure is likely a bit higher? – In my test group of six, three had herpes. Seriously, I polled friends.
We Can Suppress the Herpes Virus
There are a few ways to suppress the herpes virus. It hibernates somewhere in the base of our spine where it nestles after we’ve contracted it.
There are three highly recommended ways to reduce how often we get sick from herpes and to help suppress the virus into remission.
There’s also traditional western chemical medicine. Sometimes a combo of all this may be preferred. Some report feeling iller from the chemical drugs prescribed by an M.D. than from the actual outbreak of herpes. You decide.
By what we eat and don’t eat.
With specific supplements.
Homeopathic medicine is an incredibly powerful and deep method.
Chemical antiviral drugs: Valtrex and others from medical doctor’s prescriptions
What is Homeopathic Medicine? Great Question!
Homeopathic medicine is amazing. Homeopathy causes our bodies, spirits, and minds to heal. – It causes our bodies to remember perfect health. Each remedy has many uses.
Each remedy has more than one ailment it can address. Every single remedy is made from a single natural compound such as platinum, or a cashew nut or from a spider or a tree bark.
Homeopathy is the main form of medicine practiced in the U.K., New Zealand, Australia and Brazil, Germany, France, and throughout western Europe. It was founded and established by Dr. Samuel Hahnemann in Germany in the 1800s.
Amazing Facts About Homeopathy
Queen Elizabeth has a Royal Homeopathic Doctor
Prince Philip supports homeopathy as preventative and curative health care
Homeopathy is outrageously inexpensive. As in very low-cost medical care
You can find homeopathic remedies in a limited range at Whole Foods, other natural health stores, and anyone can order any remedy of any dosage or strength from Hahnemann Labs in the Bay Area in the USA.
Treating Herpes with Homeopathy
For genital herpes, some commonly used homeopathic remedies are Nitric acid, Thuja Occidentalis, Causticum, Medorrhinum, Silica.
Here’s a recommended round of remedies, from Josette Calabrese, to be taken once or twice each for up to three days at the outset of a herpes break-out to stop it, reduce the severity and ultimately suppress the herpes virus for good.
The camphor is first in the cycle and has the effect of clearing the outbreak and essentially clear the slate. Here’s Josette Calabrese’s article about homeopathy for treating herpes.
15 minutes before and after taking a homeopathic remedy don’t eat or drink anything
Turn the tube upside down
Twist the cap until 5 – 6 balls fall into the cap
Drop the balls under your tongue without touching the inside of the cap
Let them melt under your tongue until they’re completely dissolved
By the way – we can take homeopathic Arnica 30c or 200 for the ptsd in the aftermath as well. And then anytime we experience shock, trauma, loss grief, go for a surgery or are wounded. – Hey, Olympic athletes take arnica orally -as well as in topical form – when they break or sprain or pull something, and cosmeti surgeons in Los Angeles advise taking it pre-op for healing and to stop excess bleeding. I’ve had one medical doctor mention that arnica can raise blood pressure. AS with any thing we’re ingesting: Do your own research.
Antiviral Tablets from a Regular Old M.D. for Herpes
There are chemical antiviral medications by prescription only from a regular western medical doctor. We call the kind of treatments and principles behind western medical M.D.’s allopathic medicine. This medication for anyone without insurance is going to cost a bit, and it’s packed with side effects and the effect of making some people feel sicker. Hmm. Find what works for you.
Suppressing the Herpes Virus With Diet
The virus is suppressed by L-Lysine and can come to the surface and activate with too much Arginine. Lysine and Arginine are amino acids, an element of proteins naturally occurring in foods.
Foods to Avoid: They Can Bring Out Genital Herpes as High Arginine Foods
Popcorn
Corn
Soy
Whole grains: oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat, etc.
Peanuts
Pumpkin seeds
Legumes, all beans, peas, lentils, green beans, garbanzo beans
Chocolate
Jello
Turkey
Pork Loin
More than a tablespoon of spirulina a day, often found in protein drink mixes
Common Sense is All It Takes
One meal with some of these ingredients once in a while would likely be fine, but a chocolate habit or a lot of popcorn and peanuts in one sitting is not a good idea. And morning oats and whole grains are out… And this means nope to that daily tub of tahini.
Some of these “nos” also align with newer health concepts, weight loss, and detox paradigms such as lectin-free eating, so maybe not so bad!
Maybe a silver lining: as it turns out most of these are foods we’re not meant to eat on the Plant Paradox health way of eating because they cause chronic diseases and add fat to our bodies due to a protein they contain, a specific Lectin. Click here to see The Plant Paradox on Amazon. – Even the Paleo diet says don’t eat legumes or gluten,
Self-Care For Treating Herpes and Recovering When We Have an Outbreak
Additionally, always:
Drink tons of water.
Add 1 tablespoon of Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar in a full 8oz. glass of water every day
Here’s an Amazon link for the best raw, organic Apple Cider Vinegar by Bragg’s, and you can get this for between $6 and $8 at Whole Foods or other markets
Add one half or whole fresh squeezed lemon to a full 8oz. glass of water, daily
Get good sleep regularly
Avoid sugar and packaged and processed food
Walk, do yoga, swim, hike, bicycle… nice and gentle exercise
And especially during outbreaks sleep, sleep, and sleep and:
Avoid stress – skip watching the news
Dodge things that make you sad during outbreaks, sad music, nostalgia, sentimental thinking, and emotionalism
Side-step conflicts, confrontations, and upsetting things
Save making serious decisions for another day when you feel well again
Hope this helps!
These Scum Bags Are Nothing but Scum
So – this is another reality that hits some of us from these hijackings. There’s so much to understand, and manage, new ways to think about what went on, and lots of health care that never crossed our radar before from extreme weight loss, weight gain, PTSD, candida, and yeast infections… Geez-Louise.
You can do it. We can win. You’re human: gorgeous inside and out and imperfectly perfect. Carry on. Embrace your life with compassion. Love yourself. Time to thrive.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Used and abused are never excused. Be sure it’s the abuser who takes the blame and the fall. Finally, let’s expose this phenomenon for what it is.
Used and abused is something people kept quiet about. And earlier still, it wasn’t thought of as “bad”; it was okay for example, to beat your wife. These days we know this isn’t okay by any means.
At this point, abuse is talked about in terms of what is “done to us” by an abuser. We speak about it from the angle of what the abuser is doing.
Signs We’re Used or Abused: The New Lexicon Around It
This is prevalent now, and we’ve got a 21st-century lexicon to describe abuse, and what the narcissistic abuser has done.
We’ve got the new language to talk about abuse; what that person did and said to us meant to describe and determine if we’re used or abused.
These are the words our moms and grandmas didn’t have. These new words, “devalue”, “discard”, “gaslight”, and “hoover” are meant as proof that we’re abused and describe what’s being done to us by an abuser.
Abuse is talked about as “love bombing, ghosting, punishing, mirroring, projecting, devaluing, discarding”. Abusive partners belittle us, lie to us, cheat on us, and take our money. Then, order us around, make us cry, and do stuff just to make us mad.
They always break promises. It seems like they like to hurt us. Abusers throw things at us, yell, disappear, and so much worse. And mostly it’s all so much more indefinable.
The problem with this viewpoint is, that it makes their behavior the problem. Isn’t the real problem that we’re miserable? We can point at what they do all we like, but how does this help us?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In friendships and work situations and in love, normal people stay. Normal people try when things are tough. And try more.
That’s what normal, amazing, gorgeous humans are wired to do. It’s what we’re taught to do. There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s just that we can’t recognize the horror or the mortuary of a mind that sits inside a predator sociopath’s head until we see it in particular and stark contrast to normal.
We don’t see it until “normal” isn’t working to change any of the problems between us. — That’s normal. It takes as long as it takes.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
A Definition of Abuse Based on How we Feel Rather than What They Do
The tell-tale signs of abuse, or of being used by someone who cannot love, show up in more reliable ways than in the behaviors of the abuser. We can call them a narcissist, a narc, a narcopath.
By any name we might label them with, their behavior is that of a sociopath. and the fact is, that the abuse and predatory dynamics show up in messages from our bodies and in our emotions immediately. We don’t always recognize these signals for what they are. The sooner we can open to the possibility that this is something we’ve never seen before, know next to nothing about, and be willing to take in what it might be, the better.
1. We Feel Like We’re in a Movie:
This relationship, finding this person, life with this person feels lifted out of reality in the best way! Out at a restaurant, a party, or even going grocery shopping with them feels like we’re living out scenes from a movie.
Relationships are said to be “hard”. People say relationships take “work”. In my experience: When it’s right, it’s easy and bad behavior or feeling bad is never part of the equation.
2. We Feel Like We Can’t Live Without Them:
Much to our own surprise, we feel we’ll die without them. In a dramatic figurative way… and kinda literally. We feel panic at the thought of never seeing them again, and, this emotion of our own, inspired by them, is what hooks us hard.
The deep hook happened like this: I sat a few feet from the con man. We’d known each other three days. I knew he had to fly back to his own country in a few months. At the thought of his leaving a sense of panic that I’d never see him again roiled up from the pit of my gut. Surprised by this creeping dread rising to take me over, I pulled in a breath to ask,“When’s your ticket back?’” He paused, looked up from under his lowered brows, then uttered a departure date barely two weeks away.
Tsunamis of emotion crashed together in my body. Profound all-consuming panic that I’d never see him again hit up against knowing this was an absurd way to feel, and a third thought wondering why I panicked crashed into those. But, I got no answer. Before I could get myself together, his voice, low and dark came through the fog, intimacy slicing my skin and dripping into my bones, “You’re afraid you’ll never see me again aren’t you?”
Fear ran through me; all I could do was try to look normal. I felt small. There were no words I could say. I willed my head to make a single nod. I surprised myself again when a barely voiced, “Yaaaaaaa,” dribbled from my mouth on the one wisp of air left in my lungs. We were married four days later. He didn’t take that flight.
3. We Feel Confused:
Our bodies on a primal, instinctive level know something’s wrong when we’re entrapped in a scam relationship. It’s our social and cultural mind that has to catch up.
Foggy-brained, we wonder if things are what we think they are. It’s natural and the way our brains are wired to rationalize and make exceptions or excuses for their behavior and for how we feel. Because they’re pathological, this normal human function is exaggerated and bent further to their favor.
Without being super aware of it, we change our ideas about what’s “okay”. We even bend our idea of what a relationship is meant to be in order to make this one continue. This is normal under their invisible influence of coercive control.
4. We Feel Disconnected: Communication is Spotty or Painful:
We feel stupid and like we’re a bother for trying to talk with them. It’s rare we talk together about anything real.
Conversation sticks on shallow or it’s only about household things. It’s texts that fizzle into emojis and arguments. We’re ignored – sometimes for days at a time. They blame us for why they won’t talk to us.
When is “bad” bad enough to trust our gut and our feelings over their behavior? To leave one of these parasitic users it takes a certain moment when a switch flips.
5. We Feel Shut Out – There Are “Mystery” People:
We feel compartmentalized. While we build the relationship we’re hitting roadblocks… in the form of attention they give to other people.
They explain a person they message late at night as a “friend” or say, “she’s my sister” or an “ex” that won’t leave them alone. We know something is wrong… That nagging feeling that they have someone else in their life is profound. This is beyond a “girlfriend”. This is a deeper secret. Some block us from their social media, and rage if we post photos of us together.
How bad does it get before we gather the clarity and courage to go? As bad as it needs to be. It takes as long as it takes. There’s nothing wrong with us.
6. We Feel at Arm’s Length:
Somethings missing. As much as we think we know them and their lives, there are many, many holes in the picture.
Maybe we don’t know where they live exactly or what they do for work exactly. There’s a pattern – even a pattern of uncertainty, or abrupt changes in the time we spend together.
We’re not sure where they drive off to when they leave us. We see him or her only late on Wednesdays and sometimes Friday night and only at our place.
He talks about us getting married, but… it stays out of reach. – Or we live in different towns or different countries.
7. We Feel Ganged-Up On:
We’re left hung out to dry. When the arguments and conflicts that come up between us are shared with friends or family might side with others against us.
Their family or so-called friends sabotage our plans or our efforts to bring the family together or to fix problems in the relationship. We’re sucker-punched by it every time.
We feel sad and stupid for wanting to know normal things like when they’ll be home. Or when we’re really going to meet. We suspect they aren’t where they say.
They say it’s a meeting they’re running off to, but… They say they’re going out of town for work, but… She said it was a trip to see her mom, but… it feels offand we feel bad. It’s like we’re constantly stepping out for the next stair and nothing is there.
9. We’re Not Fulfilled: Intimacy is Absent, Exaggerated, Forced, or Conditional:
The bond doesn’t deepen as the days go by. We have sex, but it starts to feel impersonal, sad or bad, and lonely. Or they won’t have sex with us and they get mad if we try to heat things up.
They tell us they can’t be “intimate” – for some reason. There’s a shifting of the issue onto us: they tell us we want too much sex or sex too much. Or they force sex. Maybe they video us, or ask if someone can join in… You might pretty much know they’re doing it with someone else.
We feel despondent and also desperate to please them in the absence of real intimacy. The natural thing that occurs is that within our minds we begin to substitute small things as signs of big closeness and as a sign that they do love us after all.
We start to think we’re super-loved by them when they do something super-small – like take the garbage out.
Tiny things take the place of intimate depth. We try harder, cook better, bake more, wash better, make more money, hurry faster, and give again and again. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with us. Staying is normal, trying is normal. Nothing changes, however, except we feel more and more alone and sad and worthless. Yet, eventually, this is what feeds into the whole thing falling apart.
Staying Silent is Normal
Sometimes the greatest lies are told in silence. We feel ashamed, hurt, isolated, and alone when they come at us in sex on overdrive. Drugs might become a way to cope with the unwanted or “off” sexual scenarios.
We try to convince ourselves dominance and ropes or sex only on Wednesday afternoons, or only if we’re “good” is okay.
We try to convince ourselves that one thing they want to do… is okay – when really, we don’t like it and don’t want it we feel stranded on an island of pain floating further and further away from love. And further and further from our life as we know or want it.
Emotions are messages from our body; feelings are how our mind feels about those emotions. The meaning we give them leads us to safety or trouble.
Pulled in many directions we float, almost out-of-body, and try to collect the pieces. We’re caught between our partner and our kids, between our partner and our parents.
There’s a panic, a lump of nausea in our gut, we try to bring things into focus, into line. We try to meet the regular needs of our kids, work, and family, and at the same time feel out of step with our partner and everything else.
Our mind is on figuring out the indefinable needs of our partner, resolving the rough bits, and making things look happy and great to everyone else. Mostly we feel like we’re failing, sinking. Constantly agitated and anxious, we hope no one notices.
11. We’re Uneasy: There’s Fighting and the Silent Treatment:
The bottom line is, that we’re afraid and apprehensive, cautious about how we approach them. If we ask where they went or if they’ve got $95 dollars to pay the cable bill the roof gets blown off the house with their indignant anger.
Ask why they came home so late and then don’t talk to us for three days. Wonder out loud why the gas tank is already on empty and we’re treated to rage from hell. – Sometimes even certain words we use make them angry.
Normal humans take responsibility for the problems in a relationship. The thing is, we aren’t in relationships when these things are going on. We’re hijacked by a user.
We feel like we might get something wrong and upset them. Certain “rules” or patterns fall into place and seem expected. We can’t break the rhythm that’s been set, a routine that caters to them. Maybe they tell us what to wear, or not wear. Where to go, or not go. When we can talk to our mom or tell us not to talk to our mom. Maybe… they get physical or make threats.
13. Abused Leads us to Feel We’re in the Wrong or We’re the Problem:
Feeling it’s our fault makes us feel like we don’t fit in, even in our own home. If we bring up the troubling thoughts on our minds, they tell us we’re imagining things They say if trusted them, didn’t question them, or could be patient, everything will be fine. They tell us because we’re so suspicious we’re ruining everything. We feel worse, nothing is resolved, and we feel less and less “at home”.
They say the most ridiculous things, and we try to make sense of them. That’s what “normal” does. Our brain and body do this naturally. We need things to make sense. We need harmony.
14. We Feel Like They Don’t Care About Important Things In Our Life:
In abuse, “supported” and “heard” go by the wayside; things we care about don’t faze them. Things in our lives we’d expect the person we’re dating or married to have an opinion about seem to never hit their radar. We get no response, or an odd reaction when our goldfish or our mom dies instead of any level of compassion.
We might get a blank stare, or a shrug and a grumble that doesn’t fit the circumstances – leaving us feeling like we’re falling through the air.
The fact is, our concerns and problems irritate them and put them on the spot. Our emotions threaten them from getting what they want. Sociopaths cannot relate to, feel, or understand the feelings we have. They truly don’t care. We see this in how they walk away so easily.
15. Things Aren’t a Two-Way Street:
We feel let down and like the only one “giving”. Things are one way for them and another for us. We feel like we don’t count. They can use our car or take our money to go meet someone for lunch, but we can’t freely borrow their iPad let alone their car (if they have one.) – When they do use our things they “adopt” them as if our Kindle or book bag is now theirs.
Maybe we do their laundry or stop by and feed their dog, but they’re unreliable or absent in support of us. Their birthday is a big deal, ours is usually not.
Typically on any holiday, we get nothing from them. We’re tending to their needs – and it seems expected, while they ignore our needs – unless – by reciprocating they get money, access to others they can make use of, or a place to live or something else they need or want.
16. We Feel We’re Being Lied To:
Things aren’t adding up. When they say certain things there’s a lurch in the pit of our stomach that floats up to shimmer in the back of our mind: something is not right. – And then sometimes they say the oddest things, that make no sense like: “You only think you love me. If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.”
17. We Feel Like We’re in a Nightmare:
We know we have no idea what’s going on. This is like nothing we’ve ever known. We did what people do in relationships and tried, and tried, and nothing changed. Then we’re scared. – Now, instead of feeling, that we’ll die without them, we feel we’ll die because of them.
Confusion, Exclusion, and Fear Signal We’re Being Used
These feelings signal this person isn’t into us for a normal or genuine reason. We’ve been put in a box for their personal use or gain and “normal” is never going to happen. Confusion and self-doubt are symptoms of the trauma and post-trauma of the deception and emotional or physical harm and of being used.
These feelings signal our “mate” has a life they keep us from. They more than likely have a past or current life we know nothing about.
They’re often married, usually live with someone, and have children we don’t know about. Have habits that are destructive, criminal records, or behavior that should be a crime if it isn’t.
Having these feelings within a relationship or friendship indicates our friend or partner is what people call a “narcissist”, from the DSM definitions of NPD. – But is usually a much more serious danger, an antisocial psychopath, known as a sociopath commonly a con man, a scammer. – Sociopaths cannot have genuine relationships and only bring inevitable harm.
Trust Our Gut: Our Instincts Have Real Meaning
We don’t have a feeling that something’s wrong for no reason. This feeling itself is proof that something is wrong. – Proof you’re being disrespected, deceived, and worse. These pathological users make use of others and have no genuine feelings of care or love for any others. They have no physiological, biological, mental, or emotional capacity to have these feelings. They never have and never will. – This is not because of us – it’s because of them.
Our feelings are proof. There’s no more proof needed. People like this cannot change. A sociopath wouldn’t want to change if they could.
This is a situation that will only escalate in harm and danger to us. It could be said these aren’t relationships, but an invasion or take-over for the convenience of the user. – A crime of deception. We’re being used.
Trust our gut. We don’t have these feelings without reason. Stand up for our lives. Give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We’re worthy and deserve all good things in life and love.
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