We see through the façade.
We know enough to know something’s very, very wrong.
It’s time to take the trash out. Clean up the mess.
Sociopaths have interest in us for one reason and one reason only: to take things they want and need. They don’t care how we feel, what we think, or what we want – unless it interferes with them getting what they want.
They do monitor our willingness to give and they do behave towards us in ways that elicit continued “giving” and “doing” for them. And that’s about it. There isn’t more than this going on here.
They let us think we’re in a relationship. Tell us we’re “soul mates”. Make love to us. Make promises. Claim religion. Tell us a sob story from their past. Give us gifts. Make chaos. Lie to us. Send us lots of texts.
Get mad if we don’t answer. Take us to dinner. Lie more. Yell at us. Talk a lot. Put us down. Buy groceries. Ignore us sexually. Scare us. Give us money. Ignore us completely. Sleep a lot. Sleep with other women (or men.)
What is going on?
How to Get Rid of a Sociopath
That’s all they are. That’s all they have to “offer”.
They keep us hooked in a number of ways. Some pleasant. Some painful.
They spend our money. Want sexual things we don’t. Include us. Exclude us. Entrust us. Suspect us. Play sick. Stay out late. Keep us from our family or friends. Don’t work. Are gone a lot. Pretend to work very hard. Don’t answer our texts. Don’t pick up our calls. Block us from their Facebook. Keep us from our faith. Cry – fake tears. Lie even more. And more. Then lie some more. – We used to believe them. No more. Nope. We’ve had it. Pick up the trash and dump it.
Sociopaths Know Every Scam Relationship will End
First, if we’re not convinced read here, in the words of a sociopath how get rid of them:
“The best thing to do is to make the breakup seem like it was his or her choice. Like with ticks or other parasites, you want to “poison the well” so the sociopath willingly leaves. Become a helpless, emotionless, reactionless burden. Start being useless or contrary, without being openly defiant… Pretend you’re tired, sick, depressed, say you forgot your keys, you forgot to feed the goldfish, be incompetent but make everything seem like an accident. If the sociopath gets mad, say sorry, but don’t fight back. Say “I don’t know what’s come over me.” Have long phone conversations with your mother or other people the sociopath hates. In general, let yourself go completely and be as intolerable to live with as possible without being confrontational. After about three months (give or take), the sociopath will be out of your life. You should be in the clear after your sociopath has been gone three to six months. By that time the sociopath will not need you to satisfy any of her basic needs.”
There’s a lot of information here. It works.
How to Leave a Narcissistic Sociopath
Here are guidelines to end it with a sociopath safely and as quickly as can be and with the least fallout. There will be fallout. We will be frightened. It will feel like eons before they go. After they go we’ll go through post-traumatic stress. Doing nothing would be much, much, much, much, much, much, much worse. We can protect ourselves. We can take immediate action. We can end this.
First things first:
- Keep our feelings to ourselves.
- Do NOT tell them we want out.
- Don’t confront or question them.
- Continue being agreeable or generally behaving as we have been.
- Make our minds a blank when we’re with them. Empty. No thoughts, no feelings. Blank.
Sociopaths are all alike. Identical tactics and limited thinking.
We use their weaknesses to get them gone.
The Next Thing We Do is Lie
Keep our plan to ourselves. Protect ourselves and our belongings immediately – secretly. Don’t hesitate. Do this now. Why…? – Because sociopaths steal and destroy at the end. They’re thieves. And liars. They like to take things like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant – just to say: I was here. They want last-minute funding, a car, a credit card – and to leave us holding the bag.
They steal or sell identities. Do they aaaaall steal? Every time? If they feel like it – yes. They have no conscience. No guilt. No love. They’re criminals. And they’re mean. Better to protect ourselves than be tragically sorry.
Remove all of the following to a safe location – a friend’s house, our work place, or a safe deposit box. Use this check list:
- Anything we care about for its sentimental or monetary value. The first item’s that come to mind are the ones. If he knows you treasure them, protect them. They go through our things – our drawers, closets, cupboards, dressers – that secret p!ace – they’ll sniff it out, to find things to take.
- Valuable jewelry in gold, silver, precious stones, watches, etc. Things they can pawn or sell.
- Cameras, laptops, audio gear, guns, anything easy to lift and take away.
- Photographs of the two of you. Including evidence of his abuse, your marriage, and anything compromising.
- Documents. All of them. Anything legal. Copy his. Make copies of ours and the kid’s. Then, along with the originals secure them safely out of the house.
- Social Security cards and numbers.
- Birth Certificates.
- Marriage Certificates.
- Mortgage papers.
- Car registrations.
- Auto insurance.
- Credit card information and statements and all numbers.
- Bank account information.
- Stocks, bonds, CD’s, all banking, investment or monetary records.
- Immigration papers.
- Change all our passwords, PINS and logins.
- Have extra house or apartment keys made. Give them to a trusted friend to hold.
- Write down numbers or better yet photo copies or take pictures of:
- The sociopath’s Passport, ID’s, driver’s licenses, credit cards.
- Bank or credit card statements.
- Social Security number.
- Receipts or pics or copies of wire money transfers from or to him or her.
- If he has a car write down his license plate number, car make and model, take photos of it, take down the VIN number.
- Keep photos of his face to ID him in case law enforcement, FBI, DEA or immigration become involved.
Community Property in Marriage
If we’re married to them, in eight states within the United States, all of our belongings – belong to them. They can take them and do anything with them if we’re married. Really. They call it community property. — This works both ways, what’s theirs is ours.
There’s another thing called common property. Look up your state. If he or she steals while you’re married chances are nothing is a Police matter or considered a crime. – Take care of ourselves. — Take your property. Whether married or not, transfer your personal savings and checking to another account – maybe a new account in a new bank or whatever feels most secure. Sociopaths steal. Consider getting a Post Office Box and redirecting all your mail there.
Sociopaths know all scams end – no matter how good they are.
Be Safe When Leaving a Sociopath
Here’s what I did: Hands shaking I took his credit cards out of his wallet. – MY credit accounts that I’d made him an “authorized user” on – while he was in the shower. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Then – I lied. I said: The credit cards (3) had been cancelled by the card companies for going over the limit. – He had taken them over the limit – but I made no accusation, I gave no detail, no other explanation – I said it apologetically, but with conviction. I said I did it to protect him – I said if he used them in public they’d be confiscated by the retailer and, “I wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed like that.”
Then a few days later I lied again. I said I’d lost my wallet so the checking account debit card had been cancelled. I stopped putting my pay check in our joint bank account – then I closed it. – Guess what? He knew how to reopen it. – I had to have the bank keep an eye out for 24-hours to make sure it stayed closed.
I watched him stay in the game no matter what lie I told.
The surreal mounts, but now we’re in control.
Ride it out. The way will open.
Here’s the thing: sociopaths make all kinds of preposterous claims as they lie their way through life. – Amazingly I found I could say anything and he played along as if it were true, though I was sure he knew it wasn’t.
I’d stumbled on sociopath-magic-rules-of-engagement: any lie is true. It was almost a high to fly so near the fringes and outsmart this being I now called in my head: The Monster. It was pure improvisation – life saving improvisation on my part. It was normal live-by-the-seat-of-his-pants-all-is-a-lie for him.
Underneath it we both knew our dynamics were shifting like silent, colliding tectonic plates of the Earth bringing inescapable unpredictable and life a threatening upheaval that I determined – no matter what – would settle as forced departure for him – and freedom for me.
Protect Ourselves When a Sociopath Leaves
Passwords and PINS and logins. Change them. All. If we can – block him or her on social media. As in: use the “block” function on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, and all the rest. They won’t be notified, but they’ll also no longer see any of our Facebook, or other social media activity. – We also will not be able to see theirs. It’s called going no contact.
Become useless. Cut off goods and services.
If we have children – alter these as we can to care for them – and deprive him.
Shut Down the Things the Sociopath is Enjoying
Become absolutely useless to them. If we usually make dinner. Stop. If we normally take out the garbage and make the bed. Don’t. Forget his dry cleaning. Stop doing his laundry or leave it lumpy and half damp in the laundry basket. Passively, quietly, humbly, meekly, say, “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry, hon.” And. Nothing. Else. Period. You just gave a lifesaving Academy Award Winning performance. Keep it up.
Forget his favorite food. Sleep late, Stop cleaning. Disappear after work without calling him. Leave the car without gas. Forget to pay the internet bill – tell him it’s being shut off. Tell him your savings account is empty. Don’t talk at home. Keep to yourself. Sleep. Go in your room. Leave unexpectedly. Talk to your sister even though they hate it when we do.
Go back to church or meditation, working out, making art, or whatever faith or strength giving endeavor they tried to stop us from practicing. When they talk look away, bored. Walk out of the room. Have something better to do in the times we used to spend with them. Have no cash to hand out. Pay no more of his or her bills. Just say: “Oh, gosh. Sorry, hon.” And. Nothing. Else. You just won a Tony Award. You just graduated to “expert in deceiving a sociopath.” – No – this does not make you a sociopath.
The sociopath will be baffled, taken aback, pissed. And leave within weeks.
Consider carrying a change of clothes and overnight things or having spares at work. Just a precaution. – Again this is without their knowledge. – If the sociopath invading your life is already violent with you – all the more so take this precaution. Make extra house keys. Give some to a really trusted good friend who had no connection to the sociopath. If you’re leaving the clutches of an actively violent sociopath please check with professional advisers on domestic violence.
Keep loving. Keep living like a real human. We are awesome.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to thrive!