Our worth is not in their hands.
They don’t devalue us; they can’t – these clowns didn’t value us to begin with.
Repeat: Our worth is not in their hands.
There’s a popular lexicon delineating the ride with these jokers. There’s a bit – or a lot that seems off the mark. It’s said they: love bomb, idealize, devalue then discard us. Okay. They scoop us up, flatter us, then devalue and discard??
Why is this journey through hell looked at as if the sociopath holds the cards?
This is wrong. We feel shame as the outcome of this kind of thinking. They need us for their survival! – For their very existence. We are the power here. They fail and bail.
We don’t need this unnecessary heartbreak:
This is how it doesn’t need to go: “Sob, sob… then he devalued me.
Then I was discarded.” More tears and crying.
And shame: “I know I’m so stupid…”
Sociopaths Don’t Discard and Devalue – They (always) Fail and Bail
What is happening here? – This discard, devalue perception of the crime leaves us in the hands of the criminal. Yes: sociopaths see a likely target. They introduce them selves, they “love bomb” us with a zillion messages and say they’re soooooo into us, they “idealize” us – they tell us we’re groovy – even this description of what’s happening isn’t accurate – but here’s where it really goes wrong: they “devalue” and then “discard” us. Really? Really?! – They get to throw us away like so much trash?! So now we’re worthless? – No wonder I hear so often in the True Love Scam Recovery Sessions: “It’s been no contact for 3 years, but I still feel so ashamed.“
Is this where we want to be? No. Nope. Not. Never.
Let’s get straight who the real trash is: the sociopath.
The only possible outcome of this “devalued” thinking is that we’re left feeling shame. If we’re devalued… then what are we? – Who are they? The boss? The authority? The determiner of all things? No! – If they can discard us… then where are we? – In a puddle on the floor. – In a corner drooling with our thumb in our mouth. – In a hospital bed with bandages on our wrists. – My dear, sweet comrades in true love scam recovery, this has got to S.T.O.P.
Targets of Crimes are Not to Blame for the Criminal
Think of this scenario: if someone came along and stole our car while we were in the grocery store, are we going to feel ashamed? If we get home and the house had been robbed, are we supposed to hang our head? If we’re attacked by a mugger are we meant to be filled with embarrassment and self debasement? NO. Blaming the victim – especially if that victim is a woman – is an age-old happenstance and a crime in itself. Let’s quite that right now.
These are crimes not relationships.
So, why are victims blamed…?
“Victim blaming is not just about avoiding culpability—it’s also about avoiding vulnerability. The more innocent a victim, the more threatening they are. Victims threaten our sense that the world is a safe and moral place, where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When bad things happen to good people, it implies that no one is safe, that no matter how good we are, we too could be vulnerable.” ~ Psychology Today – “Why Do We Blame Victims? – When others’ misfortune feels like a threat”
Let’s turn this circus with a sociopath around and look at what really happened. Here it is: a sociopath-criminal spotted us. We’re happy and really nice. They want what we have. They tell us sweet things. (They’re lying.) We give them our time, as a kind and trusting person will. Then they take stuff from us. Then we ask: what’s happening? Then they get mad and call us names. We get scared and try to fix it. It seems okay. They act nice-ish – and get more stuff. Then they act mean again. This happens some more. This happens a lot. Then they disappear. (Or we told them to leave.) – Here’s the million dollar question: if anyone should feel shame here, who would it be?
Ding-ding-ding-ding! Correct answer: the sociopath!
Except they don’t. They’re biologically incapable of feeling shame.
That does not mean we need to take it on.
How a Sociopath Thinks
This is the real deal: a sociopath only thinks of 2 things: to take and to get away with it. They do not “love bomb” us – there is no love. They do not “idealize” us – they despise us. They do not “devalue” us – they are not capable of valuing anyone or anything. They did not “discard” us – there was no relationship – this was a crime. It happens in 5 stages: they asses us, win our trust, take from us, cause financial and emotional ruin, and smear us. They’ve done this a million-zillion times before. We always see through them. They know the end is coming – it always does. In truth they fail and bail – and – they want to come out smelling like roses.
Let’s make this less complicated.
There’s a reason sociopaths act like they do: they’re born with abnormal brains; they feel no positive bonding emotions with their under functioning amygdala. Kinda like a reptile. They have a primal, pre-mammal sort of brain that is focused on self-survival; one that holds all others in contempt – even their moms and dads and kids – so there are no limits – they can do any awful thing under the sun to anyone – solely to get what they want and get away with it. That’s it. They don’t give a hoot how we think, feel, dress, walk, talk, eat, dance – or don’t.
We Are Amazing and Awesome
There’s a reason we act like we do. We have a fully developed limbic brain. We’re mammals who crave, need and make family groups. We love and care for one another. We thrive on positive human connection. We try to resolve disharmony; disharmony makes us ill. We like truth and openness. We look at things from an emotional standpoint. We talk a lot about feelings. They’re very important to us.
Sociopaths have no feelings.
So our “feeling” approach to looking at this is never gonna clear things up.
We’ve got a hard pill to swallow: there is evil in life.
It’s time to add wisdom. The same traits we possess: character, skills, capabilities and connections, loyalty, determination, persistence, devotion, kindness, an impulse to give, valuing relationships and honesty – all these and more goodness are what brought us to the sociopath’s attention. That and our money – no matter how much or how little we have. – They need those things. They have none of it.
These are the very character traits that led us to ask: what the heck is going on?
Our limbic brain needs harmony and clarity.
They are thieves. We must devalue them. We must discard them. Throw that trash out. Without all of us believing in their lies, they are nothing. Imagine if none of us accepted their behavior: would they exist? We are the ones with the power. Good always wins. – If we stand up.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
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