After No Contact: What's Next? - true love scam recovery

After no contact that’s when we get them out of our bones.
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After no contact we might think things are going to be amazing! Things are amazing all right. But maybe not in the way we hope or expect or might have assumed. The truth is after bravely going no contact, all of us feel relief and…like poop. At first. And at the same time.

Right along with feeling better…we feel…worse? Or a different kind of “bad”. It’s different than before going no contact, but it isn’t magically all better. So what’s it like after no contact? Let’s talk about it.

Doubting No Contact

First thing we feel is doubt that we should have gone no contact. The instant you click “block” or delete their contact info and get a new phone number, don’t be surprised is along with relief, you’re flooded with unexpected fear; this fear brings doubt with it.

I know this hardly seems fair. The thing is, a part of you will do a happy dance, and that part will grow and grow over time with our deliberate pursuit of restoring and recovering our lives.

But first and mixed with it, at times surpassing it will be fear, and doubt. Remember that familiar “doubt”? Isn’t this an emotion we experience throughout our time under their spell?

Remember doubting that money was missing after you’d questioned him (or her) about it? Doubting after all that they’d said they’d get the kids from school that day when you also didn’t pick them up and there they sat an hour after school was out waiting? Okay: so this doubt is the same. It’s an illusory emotion caused the effects of a parasitic predator. Meaning: it isn’t real. It is unfounded in the truth of reality but rooted in the influence of these parasites.

Because We’re Normal

So – now that you’ve finally gone no contact – why do you doubt yourself? And let’s reign in the fear. I know they’re there, but no contact is all about taking back out true life, mastering our emotions and seeing through the fog of untruth they create by their presence and influence.

What you feel is normal and because you’re normal. They aren’t and what they are automatically and without any other possibility inspires and brings out loads of “yuck” in our emotions and thoughts. Fear and yuck that takes us off track and wakes up doubt that we did the right thing in blocking them.

The doubt brings fear, and the fear brings a second dose of doubt on its tail. These emotions are normal, however it’s our job now to take in the skills to redirect them to our healing and reclaim our lives firstly to reaffirm that going no contact is the right thing to do.

No Contact is the Right Thing

Have no doubt: no contact is the right thing, now let’s mange after no contact. You’re gong to be bombarded with emotions, feeling thought and memories. You might start to rationalize again, in their favor. Remember doing that rationalizing, excuse and reason making for their B.S. throughout the time with them?

We could slip into rationalizing that they aren’t really that bad or can’t be all bad. Or maybe if you just give them one more chance…If we don’t get a grip on these thoughts, emotions and falsely produced imaginings that come with the territory, we might unblock them. This is normal too.

We feel all of the things we’re feeling and thinking including this fear because this is the normal effect of a sociopathic “human” on us as normal humans under their spell. Because a part of them, their influence, that mojo-sickening-venom that seeped and infused into our souls the moment we thought they were cute is still in our bodies. Now – after no contact – is when we can get them out of our bones.

The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

More Than One Feeling at Once

Every piece of these nightmares carries a duality, a contradiction of emotion and thought so, after no contact we’re awash with fear of them. So, we’re afraid of how mad they’ll be that we aren’t answering them anymore. (Guughhguhh.)

There’s fear that they know we blocked them. We know they’ll be mad. And we made them mad. It’s our fault. Ugghhh. – We all know this feeling and how this spirals. – This is normal. This happens for all of us another one of the emotions that comes slushing through our bodies to our surprise in the aftermath. It isn’t logical, we can see that, we know it isn’t, but, it’s there, we feel it!

It’s All Fake

This consuming fear is another one of those “illusions of emotion” that comes along with the package of of being under the spell of a sociopath. (Yes, even if you’re calling them a “narcissist”.)

For some of us fear – conscious fear – has been part of things for a while. Not so for all of us. But it’s there now after no contact. …When I kicked out the nutbag I’d married I felt he was watching me, following me, and felt him as an omniscient malevolent presence that never left for quite some time. Getting it (him) out of my body took a combination of three things: managing practical things, deeper comprehension of what a sociopath is, and time.

Take Care of The Business of Healing

The practical things for me were to first get my door locks changed. File and get an annulment, and report him to USCIS (US immigration for green card fraud). Get out of a lease with a scamming auto dealership. Visit repeatedly with recalcitrant male and highly ineffective police, until one day a female detective finally took action. This was all absolutely horrifying and extremely difficult. I had to do it all. Had to. All this was part of winning and taking my life back.

My deeper comprehension of what a sociopath is built and built from what I’d observed while he still lived in my home by taking an objective view of what he said and did developing a new type of observational skill. For some unknown reason, being able to see what they are came naturally to me. I was truly blessed in my own innate ability to draw in more and more, see more and more and put together the truth of what these simplistic, limited, and dumb creatures are.

Put Pieces Together

For myself, I assimilated the reality of them – of what they are and what that means – into my situation and memories of our (stupid) conversations and the idiotic or strange things he said and did and into his promises and lies. – I was truly fortunate. These insights into them and how to see them are what I share and deeply, desperately try to impart to others recovering from these messes.

It takes time to restore our lives. Time can’t be replaced with anything else. After no contact, we decide to win. We must make up our minds to override the illusory emotions and thoughts inspired by their dark influence and impact on us in order to get ourselves back. It’s a learned skill specific to these hijackings.

This is an incredibly common occurrence you’ve been drawn into. It happens every day to hundreds of thousands of people.

After No Contact

Depending on the circumstances such as the depth of the hijacking these are emotions, thoughts feelings, physical signs and symptoms you might experience. Another factor influencing our emotions after no contact could be how much time we spent ramping down and out of this “relationship”, or if this was an abrupt ending into no contact.

These are normal in this recovery. These are normal signs and symptoms of healing after no contact. This is post-trauma and aspects fo recovery from this specific traumatic event endured over time.

Normal things like the laundry, dishes, or making food take huge effort.
You won’t want to go anywhere.
You might sit and stare into space for hours.
You’ll have tears running in a slow stream from your eyes suddenly.
Sudden silent contorted crying, mouth contorted as if vomiting pain.
This sudden “crying”pain dump” can happen lying down or standing up bending over.
The word “broken” may come into your mind about yourself.
You might not quite look like you when you see yourself in the mirror.
Simple kindness, someone holding a door open for you, will make you nearly weep.
Exercise or movement is not possible.
Or you might need to walk, to move to keep from exploding or being swallowed.
Other people won’t understand. (I will.)
Friends can only handle about three months of hearing about this. (That’s what I’m for.)
You’ll have memories of things they said or did, little scenes play all day in your head. (We can use these memories to recover!)
You might lose loads of weight really, really fast.
Then you might gain weight…
You might say to yourself that you feel “broken”. (You aren’t.)

This is post-trauma. It’s as normal as it can be colossal. No matter which or how intensely you feel the aftermath, you can recover and restore your life. You’ll never do anything this hard. I know you can do it. How do I know? Because you were “with” them. Remember how much effort you made to make your life and theirs function? How hard it was to make anything good happen? Or even come close? Now, all you energy, resourcefulness, and endless reserves of power are going to be put to use for you. Only you, and your recovery.

We End It They Don’t

After no contact, you get to find yourself again. It’s when we get them out of our bones. After no contact, once you sift through and decode the memories, as you repeatedly redirect the illusory emotions they cause, as you take your life back, you’ll begin to see them as clowns.

And just think, no one siphoning money off you. They can’t insult you, call you names, stand you up, and forget your birthday anymore. There won’t be another broken promise. Vow to yourself to heal and see this for what it was so that you can be user-proof forever. This will never happen again.

I want you to embrace yourself with compassion, grace, and patience. As you continue after no contact moment by moment, love yourself. Give yourself permission to take time to recover. Uplift yourself rather than put yourself down. Don’t expect a rapid and immediate perfect life. That would be unfair to yourself. Be fair to yourself. Take care of yourself as you’d take care of a small child.

Breaking Up With Evil

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

Courage is the force that creates history.
~ Daisaku Ikeda

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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