Feeling devalued is intense and shaming.
But what if feeling devalued is a falsely induced feeling?
What if there’s another way to explain what happened and what they did?
We truly are left feeling devalued by these clowns. And a whole pile of other horrible feelings. Because of the intensity of emotions, feelings, thoughts, these defrauding events are imbued with, as people, naturally, we’ve developed language- assigned words- to represent our feelings. There’s a popular lexicon delineating the ride with these jokers. It’s said they: love bomb, idealize, devalue, then discard us. It sure feels like we were tossed out as last week’s rotting garbage.
Then, once we have words to describe how we feel, it’s also natural, as regular humans, we see our “feelings” as the explanation for what they did. They hurt us. They abandoned us; they belittled us, etc., so we conclude they wanted to hurt, abandon, belittle, and abuse us. So there we are in a stew of swirling emotions, feeling used and abused…
But what if there’s more to it than that?
Are we going to let them hold all the cards?
What if there’s another way to think about this gut-wrenching occurrence? One that helps us heal? What if there’s another angle that sets us free? What if the way we feel doesn’t shed light on what’s actually going on?
“Devalue” Implies We Were Valued
In the early days we’re captivated and mesmerized by their presence.
Then, and not too far down the road, things change. They abandon our bed, disappear for hours or days, don’t answer our texts, and- you know the drill. These clowns deserve none of us.
Is there anything more painful than rejection? Being put down continually, neglected, and ignored by someone we love and who we think of as someone who loves us?
We Call It “Devaluing”: They Call It “I’m Not In a Relationship”
After living in the grips of a human devoid of humanity, feeling devalued is indeed a normal feeling. There’s nothing wrong with us for feeling this. The feeling is natural when we feel someone we were in a relationship with leaves, treats us badly, betrays us, uses and abuses us.
The problem with the feeling is that feeling “devalued” leaves us small and sad. The question is where can we go from here? How do we restore our sense of value and our dignity?
And where does all this leave them…? Pretty much in the seat of power over our lives. Is this where we want to be? Many turn to therapy at this juncture for analysis and digging into our childhoods and finding labels for ourselves for “why” this happened. Mostly what arrives at our feet is codependent, low self-esteem, and doormat. We’re left to conclude that we allowed this debacle and abuse.
There is nothing about you that caused this
aside for how normal you are.
There’s Another Possibility
What if we could step into seeing that we’re weren’t devalued or discarded. Could we possibly create new ways to look at what happened that would open doors to full recovery? What if we could turn the lens we view this through until we see in a way that benefits ourselves? — Why do I say this?
In part because noone is ever valued by a pathological parasitic predator. Not in the way we consider truly being valued. Secondly, because there is another perspective that does bring about a full restoration of our lives when it’s carried through every line of the sustained hijacking.
We were drawn in and used. They aren’t in a relationship. None of us are valued to begin with, aside from the material item(s), goods, and access available to them when they associate with us. When I say “available to them” I mean the things they can take; the ways they can use us.
Feeling “Devalued” Brings a Sense of Shame
When we think of ourselves as devalued, we’re left feeling tiny, and we shrink in shame.
Continuing to use this devalued word just because it crops up as the early, tentative, though popular terminology for these nightmares is akin to referring to women as bitches just because other people do it. I know I refuse to buy into that one… How about you? — Words have impact; they carry power and influence.
Additionally, this word devalued -yes- describes the emotion their actions brought form our internal emotional-storehouse. However, following through with our usual way as humans to use our emotions to explain “why” they did what they did is where it falters into an abyss of pain. Typically, an explanation may not repair everything, but it lightens the suffering because we do need things to “make sense”, to have an explanation.
We Are Not Devalued: We Were Hijacked and Defrauded
We can dismantle this emotion, the sensation of being “devalued”, first as a concept. When we put the feeling of being devalued in the light spotlight, looking at it with the “decoding” key of their actual motivation, we flip it to benefit ourselves. We’re shifting it into the light of truth, removing it from the cover of deception and the residue of fraud.
Making this change: seeing this for what it was, aside from our feelings, but for the truth of what they were up to can be as simple as replacing some of the concepts, the words we use to talk about how we feel, and what they did with other words. When we try that on, the entire picture and comprehension of what has gone on changes- and then our recovery stretches out before us.
The very word devalued in the context of them devaluing us not only describes the storm in terms of them doing what they did only to make us feel this way, but also gives them a kind of permanent agency over us. Another flaw in there is that it implies we were valued by them in the first place, and then suddenly we were devalued.
Breaking Up with Evil
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Five women’s true stories of being ensnared and hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
True crime. Told in their own words with nothing unsaid. Find validation, and see new glimpses of truth as these five women share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Valued As Prey
This is true — and far more untrue. The user did value us, but not in the way we all want and deserve to be valued; not in a genuine way. We were valued by a predator, a narc, narcopath (yah, that was a term for a while), narcissist, user, sociopath, psychopath (that’s all the same thing) whose value of us is determined by what they can get from us and use us for. We were valued as prey.
Prey. As prey. Not as a person. Can we let them be the determiner of all things? If they can devalue and then discard us… then where are we? Do we sit in a puddle on the floor…? Are we in a corner drooling with our thumb in our mouth? If you’re like me when I went through it all, the answer is — yes — at first.
I felt the twinges of these kinds of feelings. I relate to it totally. I started to stumble into living there, I had my moments… and then I said, no. And I said no again and again. Over and over. I turned things to the reality that supports our great goodness and value — our true intrinsic, undeniable, unstoppable value. Enough is enough.
Blame the Perpetrator of a Crime Not the Target
The acceptance of the notion of being devalued comes from many places. Number one, from social programming and age old beliefs about relationship roles and women. You know what I’m talking about.
So, lets frame it outside a femalecentric-judgement-and-bias arena… think of this scenario: if someone came along and stole our car while we were in the grocery store, are we going to feel ashamed? If we get home and the house had been robbed, are we supposed to hang our head?
Unfortunately, in matters of bad “break-ups”, rape, sexual assault and other related crimes, blaming the victim — especially if that victim is a woman — is an age-old happenstance and brings more harm. Let’s quit that right now.
What is “Victim Blaming” all About?
Victim blaming is ….about avoiding vulnerability. …Victims threaten our sense that the world is a safe and moral place, where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When bad things happen to good people, it implies that no one is safe, and that no matter how good we are, we too could be vulnerable. ~ Psychology Today – “Why Do We Blame Victims? – When others’ misfortune feels like a threat”
See the Events of Using and Abusing as They Are
Let’s turn this circus with a sociopath around and look at it from another angle. Here it is: a sociopathic-criminal spotted us. We’re happy people and really nice. They want our stuff, our money, a place to live, our body. They tell us sweet things. They’re lying. We give them our time as a kind and trusting person will. Then they take stuff from us. And take us, our heart, body, mind, and soul.
Sooner or later, we ask: what’s happening? Next thing you know, they get mad and call us names. It’s normal to get scared. And shut up. Then try to fix it. After that, they act nice-ish. Ultimately, they act mean again. This happens some more. This happens a lot. And the final bit is, they disappear. — Or we told them to leave.
Place No Shame or Blame on Yourself
Here’s the million-dollar question: if anyone in this scenario should feel shame here, who would it be? Ding-ding-ding-ding! Correct answer: the sociopath! Except, remember: they don’t. A sociopath feels no shame or guilt or remorse… these emotions aren’t available to them biologically or physiologically.
Devaluing, Discard: Part of the Sociopath’s Tactic to Survive
There’s a reason sociopaths act as they do: they have abnormal brains; they feel no positive bonding emotions. Kinda like a reptile.
They have a primal, pre-mammal sort of brain that is focused on self-survival. One that holds all others in contempt. And that includes even their moms and dads and kids. There are no limits or boundaries they see or heed in relation to what they might do to someone in order to gain things they want
These are people capable of any awful thing under the sun solely to get what they want and get away with it. That’s it. They don’t give a hoot about how we think, feel, dress, walk, talk, eat, dance, laugh, cry - or don’t – unless it plays into them getting or not getting what they want.
We Are Amazing and Awesome
There’s a reason we act as we do. Normal, everyday humans have a fully developed limbic brain. We’re mammals who crave, need, and make family groups. We love and care for one another.
As regular people, we thrive on positive human connections. We try to resolve disharmony. Disharmony makes us ill, that’s what PTSD is about. Truth and openness are the norm. We can’t help it, it’s wired into who we are, we look at things from an emotional standpoint. Feelings are what we talk a lot about; feelings are very important to us.
Sociopaths have no feelings in the way that we do. So, our “feelings” approach to looking at what happened for answers and explanations of their behavior is never going to clear things up. We’ve got a hard pill to swallow: there is evil in life.
The Truth
So, what’s really happening when these freaks get nasty mean, and ghost? They’re failing. They bail. This day is expected by them from the first hello. It’s a pattern they live on the regular. Their scam, fraud, front, fake-out, and lying has worn thin. We see too much, know too much, ask too much, and expect too much from them so that they can’t hang on any longer. They aren’t getting any more out of it, they aren’t getting away with it… They failed and they bail.
Emotional Intelligence and Connection
Realize, the human traits we possess, our character, skills, capabilities and connections, loyalty, determination, persistence, devotion, kindness, our impulse to give, and the way we value relationships and honesty — all these and more goodness are what brought us to the sociopath’s attention.
Sociopath-predators need what we are and the material things we own in all but very few cases in order to survive. This is what they value in us. Personally, specifically – us – as the person we are – they have no interest in or clue about. They never knew us and don’t care to. In fact, they aren’t able to know, love, or connect with anyone due to their brain biology.
Narcs, narcissists, sociopaths – are thieves. (Okay, they’re sociopaths… which is technically a psychopath. There is no such thing as a “narcissist”, but whatever you call them…) We must devalue their behavior. We must discard the lies and reject the idea that they can devalue us. Without us believing in their lies, they have no power. Throw that trash out. – We’re the ones with the power.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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