Why Isn’t Love Enough?

Love is groovy.
All we need is love.
Love is all we need.
If we’re talking about a relationship with a puppy.

We hear a lot of things about relationships, marriage and love. Relationships are hard work. It was love at first sight. We’re swept off our feet. Love conquers all. Every couple fights. Boys will be boys. A woman’s place is in the home. You made your bed, now lie in it. (Hmm… that’s ironic.) It’s only a piece of paper. True love is unconditional. We fall in love. We’re crazy in love. We’re love sick. All’s fair in love and war. (Yikes.)

There’s a barrel full and more of these platitudes floating around. We’ve all heard all of them. We all absorb them unconsciously – or believe them all the way. I have to say – personally – none of these sentiments cause me to want to be hit by cupid’s arrow. (Oh, there’s another one.)

How do our beliefs about love help us? How do they cause us suffering?

Let’s Look at these Notions of Love More Closely

Relationships are Hard Work. Are they? Is this a fact..? I coined a slogan long ago from my own experience in relationships: when it’s right, it’s easy. – Isn’t this just as valid?

Love at First Sight. Seriously…? This is kinda romantic and yes – there can be a primal pull to someone – but love…? Actual l.o.v.e…? Nah. (Guess who wants us to think so?)

Swept Off Our Feet. Uhm. Ouch. That sounds very unstable. Like being out of control.

Love Conquers All.Pfhht. If only. We love our dolls when we’re little – that doesn’t stop them from getting dirty or lost. We love our goldfish – they stink up the glass bowl and die anyway.

Never being defeated by loss or grief – now that conquers all.

William Shakespeare: Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.

Well there ya go. Bound forever in “love” – even if it hurts like h-e-double toothpicks.

Every Couple Fights.Do they…? First of all, what constitutes a fight? Screaming? Throwing things, ignoring us, calling us fat? (Who would do that..?) – What the heck is there to fight about? Pop up there to the top of the list: when it’s right it’s easy.

Boys Will Be Boys.Really…? (We know who likes this one.) – This echos another historical era. Like way before people thought the earth was flat – and believed if we walked or swam far enough – we’d fall off the edge. Boys need to be men.

Oh the things that influence our lives!

And more (cough-cough) helpful notions.

A Woman’s Place is in the Home. – Hey, I love home. Home is where the heart is. And we have a place outside the home too. – Again – the earth is no longer flat and girdles are not required.

You Made Your Bed Now Lie in It. – Life is about creating what ever we want. We’re never stuck in any one place. This is from those flat-earth and earlier beliefs.

It’s Only a Piece of Paper. – As if marriage is unimportant. Well it’s a personal choice, but a marriage certificate is not “only a piece of paper.” In legalities alone there are many, many binding alterations to our life – until – if and when we divorce – and that process is another can of legal worms – and hundreds of little pieces of paper I’m sure most of us hold in high esteem. – Marriage from an emotional or spiritual stand point is far beyond a piece of paper, even if we don’t know that until we experience it.

So many things make our world – most of all – our beliefs.

True Love is Unconditional. – This is a free pass to any and all behavior – good or bad – within a relationship. Nope. Not allowed. Unconditional love is meant for infants, it’s why they smell so good – like real ones, actual babies. Not grown men and women.

We’re Crazy In Love.What…?! Nothin’ is gonna make me crazy.

How many can we think of? – A fool in love. Consumed by love. I’d be lost without you. My better half. You complete me. Sick with love. -Make a list for fun. – And then maybe toss it out the window. Check the TED talk below for some great ones and alternatives for new ways to think about and experience love.

We Fall in Love.Fall…? I remember falling from childhood. Falling – was bad. It hurt. It was a loss of control, an absence of safety. A lack of choice.

We’re Love Sick. – I don’t want to be sick anything.  (Read how trauma makes us sick.)

All’s Fair in Love and War. – Come on. No. It isn’t.

Why Isn’t Love Enough?

A sociopath counts on our surrender to love, trust in love. They depend on us buying into: love is blind, love is enough, love doesn’t question, love never dies, true love lasts forever, until death do us part. (Or they’ve parted us from our health, money, property, sanity and dignity.)

Sociopaths are incapable of feeling love. Love is nothing to a sociopath. Love by these definitions makes us their prey.

What If We Think About Love In a New Way?

Partner in love. Step into love. Walk into love. Collaborate in love. Create love. Build love. Grow in love. Choose love. Harmonize in love.

Maybe love can be enough… depending what we think love is.

Here’s a great TED Talk discussing how we think of love and how this shapes our experience of love. – Just like with all things in life – our perspective, our expectations, our thoughts, words and actions determine – and conquer – all.

Mandy Len Catron – A Better Way to Talk About Love

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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