What Am I Supposed to do With All This Loss?

We lose things, money, cars, kids, friends, time, innocence.
We lose our sense of place in the world.
Nothing is where we left it. Nothing is what we thought it was.

Living a life we think is real, then seeing enough to know it’s not, but something dark and mean and from a world we know nothing about is hard, hard, hard.

It’s takes our breath away. Stops our hearts and brings up last night’s dinner. A lump in our throats, pooling tears make a blur of all but our pain as our bodies fall from the waist and our heads keen to the earth.

A scream of horror would rail it’s way from solar plexus to our neighbor’s living rooms and down the street to the donut shop if our lungs hadn’t collapsed at the smack of the punch to our being.

We’re knocked to the floor when we discover we’ve been living a lie.

Dispair rolls over us all day, for days and days as each new lying bit of our lives flutters through our minds. When will it end? When will we feel normal? When will we be okay again?

Here it is: I borrowed the title of this post from something that happened years ago on a camping trip in Italy. I was with my sister walking back from the shower rooms. Our brother was on his way back from the men’s shower. As our trails converged we heard a young boy’s voice shout in a heavy English accent, confused frustration: What I’d like to know is: what am I supposed to do with this piece of soap?!? – He had no idea, no clue, though it seemed so obvious: put it in a wash cloth or a baggie and pack it up in your toiletry kit. This kid was without an answer, left hanging, feeling all alone out there handling something he’d never faced before. But he had the answer in his own hand. I wanted to tell him: you’re not alone, there is a place for everything, clean it up, put it where it belongs.

We have more than a piece of soap to manage.
But we do have resolution in our own hands.
And we aren’t alone. There are many of us here.

People around us won’t understand. But then, they aren’t in our shoes.

The loss comes in two waves. Discovering the person we thought loved us and that we love is a liar. We see betrayal, cheating, abuse, stealing, using, – If we stay right here we’ll be hurt pretty much forever and stay very, very confused, sad, angry and vulnerable to the next sociopath.

The other wave of loss is seeing that something we thought was real isn’t. Wasn’t. Ever. This is where we need to be to really recover. This isn’t break up. It’s recovery from trauma of a crime of deception, defrauding and worse.

How do we get from betrayal by someone we loved, who we thought loved us to recovering from an impersonal crime? Carefully. Deliberately. And with time. And patience for ourselves, and huge love for ourselves. And looking at it from their twisted minds... they made this, we didn’t. Seeing it from their eyes knocks the love right out of our hearts and shifts us to recovering from a crimes.

We must do this for ourselves.

“You must be firmly resolved… You must simply make up your mind. … This is what is meant when it is said that it is difficult to be born a human being.” ~ Nichiren Daishonin, Reply to Yasaburo

This sickening reality that there are people who walk among us who only use and ruin other people is not what we want to hear or know. Find a way to accept it. Find a way to resolve the loss that sits well inside our bodies. Find the way back to ourselves. Make this our daily determination.

We can. We can. We can. As gorgeous humans we’re resilient, we’re flexible, we have emotional intelligence and unfathomable courage and pools, even oceans of untapped wisdom. Find healing. Find beautiful again. Make it.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to thrive!

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