Married to a Con Man

Married to a Con Man. Life in a Hall of Mirrors.

At first he made me feel he was very much like me.
Blind in love, under his spell, bit by bit he danced me to his dark side.

Life married to a con man is heaven… Everything is so over-the-top full of promise and fabulousness. Sociopaths, con artists, con men, scammers, what ever you call them – they are all the same. They use a tactic known as:  mirroring. It means they make us feel they are like us. It arouses belief in them, hope, security, appreciation for ourselves as seen through their eyes, a sense of finding a soul-mate – even if you don’t think there is such a thing as a soul-mate.  So we trust them.

Sociopaths trigger the innate human craving for acceptance.
They fulfill the profound innate desire to be embraced by love and understanding.

Mirroring refers to the con artists tactic of mimicking our interests and values. Sociopaths read our deepest desires and deepest fears. They pretend to care about the things we do. This causes us, as normal humans seeking a real relationship and connection, to feel safe with them, to trust them. This puts us right where they want us so they can manipulate and take all we have.

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We grow up on promises.
Someday our prince will come.
Kiss enough frogs & one day he’ll appear.

Sociopaths are profoundly perceptive to our personal unfulfilled hopes – the ones tucked in the corners of our hearts.  They pluck forgotten dreams from the recesses of our souls like a rabbit out of a hat. We find their ability to  understand us magical.  We are stunned, flattered, impressed and instantly bond with them. We feel we have met the one person who really sees us, who accepts us, and validates us. We perceive this validation as love. Love we crave.  And this new amazing person in our life is the key to all we have ever wanted. All faith in life is restored. We are deliriously happy. — Before we know it – we’re married to a con man.

Sociopaths behave as the most exemplary Prince Charming.

Con men are mirroring every moment, everywhere they go, with every person they encounter. I mean everyone, every where. From the cute girl in the club to the barista at Starbucks. From the valet at Chateau Marmont to the elderly woman walking her dog. Sociopaths spot and assess every person present in any situation within seconds.  In the time it takes us to see them in a room, divided by about 80 million, they have already picked out who to talk with; who has potential as a target. Who to lure in with their charms. Who to stay away from. 

Tricks of the trade. A sociopath invades our mind and heart.

The sociopath plays out and validates notions of prefect relationships held in collective cultural beliefs, promoted by fairy tales, pop romantic films and stored in our subconscious. In mirroring they rapidly and in full blown technicolor play out classical ideas of how a man is meant to pursue a woman he  truly loves – the one woman he cannot live without. Sociopaths dredge up internal beliefs – fulfill them – and so – finally, with them, life makes sense. We think:  Everything I dreamed about romance is true!! – Here it is – a beautiful life for me to live with this fabulous, gorgeous man! – My Prince DiD ShOw uuuUP!! — And he’s a KING!

The hidden beliefs and hopes etched in our very being are brought to fruition.
A sociopath twists our mind.
We’re seduced out of our senses.

Months down the road life being married to a con man shifted drastically into a hall of mirrors. A warped and scary place.  I became more like him and very unlike myself.  I bitterly complained about people who  didn’t give him what he wanted – just as he did. I unwittingly mirrored him. He so enjoyed it. It was something he delighted in. It united us in closeness which I was desperate for by now because there was no true intimacy.  Within his sick mind, bonding in this way, kept me locked into him.

He twisted my mind further – he was fully in the next phase of his love scam – taking. Everything about my existence with him was  a lie – in essence: taking my life. He  regularly also took my money without my knowledge and many times against my wishes – though I couldn’t say so, a part of me spellbound not only with “love”, but with trepidation. He promised the money was for the projects we were working on, for our future. In a few words, a single stroke of his madness, he easily strong armed me into silence and acquiescence; by shaming me, by swearing allegiance to our love… by lying.

Weeks deeper in and closer to the end of our time together, he attempted to enlist my collusion in taking from others: he’d slip in mind bending ideas not in the realm of normal. One such suggestion included introducing myself to elderly people playing Bocci ball in the park tucked in behind Wilshire Blvd. on Comstock and Beverly Glen, in Beverly Hills. He, as it turned out, had been there in the park the previous Saturday morning, chatting up the wealthy retired men and  women, tossing balls with them. Adding his name to their player list. He said we’d go there together the next Saturday. As odd as that was, I ignited with excitement – we rarely went anywhere together now. Then just as quickly he flipped the switch to plummeting and free-flight confusion. He wanted me to make a solo trip to the park to introduce myself to them – as his wife, quite specifically. Completely mystified, disappointment swirling, I asked: Why?! – he said: It’s a plan. I jerked back from the strange turnaround. Red flags flying. Out of my mouth came: Why would I do that?! I did not introduce my self to any elderly people in Beverly Hills. – He surely knew his effect was thinning, the absurdity of his lies rending cracks in his persona. – Small chinks I would ultimate see through completely.

When we see through the lies; when their effect wavers,
They know it’s time to exit stage left.
They work to keep ties that benefit them in place.
They don’t give a hoot about anything else.

One day – in the kitchen – he came close, looked my eyes, touched my hand lightly, weaving deep intimacy he sweetly, softly said: We could stay married and live in different places. My mind circled and flip-flopped. I struggled to place his words in the framework of a real relationship. It was incomprehensible. Like forcing a piece of jigsaw puzzle into the wrong spot. From my soul words of objection filled the room: Why would we do that?! He made no reply. I saw too much. His magic had hit a limit. He knew he was flying dangerously close to being transparent in his true intentions.  I was seeing the sociopath behind the mask. The moment passed. The nonsensical and incomprehensible jumble wound up, like broken junk in a heap in the attic piled along with the other odd moments, accumulating into a world-of-crazy and diminishing-self-esteem in my head.

Sociopaths mirroring also reveals crystal clear intention.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who’s the biggest liar of them all?

As my trust in him became clouded with confusion – his mirroring didn’t resonate with my internal idea of me… I saw him finally, clearly and separately from myself. His only real interest in me  was legal access to the US through marriage, and my successfully filing for his adjusted status for his US green card. He adored my credit cards, access to my bank account, a California drivers’ license, an SUV in his nameHe wanted everything paid for by me – or anyone but himself, he didn’t care who paid – then to be on his merry scamming way. Off to scam more women, men, elderly people in parks and children. Once I knew this I had to break free.

Untangling the maze of his diabolical intentions and all he had done, I united with several of his other women victims. – Wives, girlfriends and fiancées – all of them true love scams who had fallen for him just like me. We talked many late nights and very early mornings across vast time zones. In them I found unwavering, colossal support in gaining information for proof for my annulment and recovery. They wrote testimonies and handed over text messages and emails from him, to them, incriminating himself. He had foolishly discussed being married for a green card in text messages – these were direct evidence in court.

One of the women became a dear friend from the first moment we spoke. She is still part of my life though we have never met and live oceans apart. She and I joined together to uncover his criminal deceptions going back 19 years. She had been with him while I was, beginning four years before me. There were  3 fiances, another wife, a woman in Suriname sending him money monthly who he had lived with there for 8 months, 2 married women he had affairs with – even a child with one, destroying her marriage, and about 8 spares for future in-depth scamming, and 6 children we were able to confirm.

Only a few women wouldn’t speak with us. A wife in Canada rejected us — vehemently. She stood up for him and threatened us. – Under his sway, she is likely his first wife. She is African, from his town and still held hope, after 19 years, for herself and their son – though he abandoned them long, long ago, but kept a link and an opening for himself, controlling her with promises and a rare visit in case he needed her later. – Sociopaths leave an out for themselves, a hideaway with old prey. – Another of his girlfriend’s, also a business partner, in the U.S. cut us off after our first attempt to contact her.  He keeps her on the hook as his way back from the Caribbean, where he’s posing as a modelling agent, to his beloved Beverly Hills.  She is mesmerized and dating a con man – who wants her married to a con man – so he can have another chance at US citizenship. So the saying goes: 3rd times the charm.

Let’s hope not.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

HERE’s THE THING.

CONTACT.