Category Archives: REBUILD

Heal mind, body and soul.

After Narcissistic Abuse We Want Change

It seems urgent that we solve everything immediately.
We want to move, change jobs, find new friends, refresh everything n.o.w.
Take it one thing at a time.

In the trauma after a hijacking by a sociopath we have a sense of urgency to resolve the crazy and change nearly everything about our lives. To quickly, immediately, RIGHT NOW, follow a compulsion to move, to leave town, to get a different job, try a new look, dye our hair, change friends… sometimes even our names.

This is a natural response to leaving the trauma and the s–tstorm behind. The driving force behind this is yet another wonderful trait human beings have: we care deeply for our lives and our safety and for our children’s safety and happiness. After the big-bomb of getting them gone goes off, we come out of the frozen-deer-in-head-lights-state and have compelling urges to move, leave, go away, change everything. This is an innate protection and survival instinct on overdrive.

Our adrenal glands are in high-high stress and “fight-or-flight” mode.


There may absolutely be some things to initiate, plan and handle.
In actuality – we don’t need to do all of these things.

Moving: If we live with the sociopath in their property or apartment. YES. We must move immediately. If the events took place within our own home THEY must leave. Then we dig in and make the place more of a home.

Getting a new bed, couch or replacing other furniture that we used frequently with the monster-faker is a great idea. I repainted tables and a garden bench and a few other pieces. I replaced others all together. This can be done on the cheap at yard sales, Craig’s List, even roadside finds in some cities, – Paint a wall a contrasting color, get a new piece of art on Etsy, or a framed poster of something meaningful to us.

The security of staying put is much more valuable than uprooting ourselves with a move.

New Job: Possibly. If we worked with the nutter – maybe more so we want to consider this. However, many times it will be the sociopath who moves on. They do know what they’ve done; and we aren’t the first or the only person in the very same workplace they’ve harmed.

Seek familiarity, support, acceptance, comfort.

Job-hunting and interviewing are a full-time job in themselves and stressful. If we can stay where we are and dig in with renewed vigor we ultimately build a stronger life after the sociopath than before the sociopath true love scam. The security, rhythm and routine of sticking with the coworkers, bosses, employees that we know and are familiar with can be a comfort while we journey from hell and back.

While we’re agitated and distracted the familiar takes less attention and concentration and energy. We may be surprised at the compassion our coworkers have for us. It’s another beautiful thing we see about our lives with new appreciation.

The innate qualities of goodness in human beings are stunningly gorgeous.

Wash that sociopath right out of our hair.

Co workers who already know us are more likely to give us some slack and support vs. a new employer who might wonder what’s up with us and assume we’re not cut out for the work, and maybe fire us early on – that’s more trauma and loss we definitely don’t need.

Change our Name: If we were married and took their name: yes! Change back to our birth name or “real name” asap on every document and every account we have. Legally this is an automatic step available within divorce or annulment. There’s a line on the papers where you enter the preferred legal name which is ours at the moment the Judge grants the dissolution of marriage. – Otherwise keep our name. Changing our name or even making our email something that reflects the trouble will only haunt us later and feel disingenuous. Remain who we are and become more ourselves.

Listen to our hearts. We do know what we need.
If there’s any indecision… wait.



Recreating ourselves, reviving who we are.

Change out Hair, our Clothes: Doing something drastic to our appearance isn’t recommended when we’re in the aftermath of a sociopath – the trauma can lead us to think some huge change is a good idea… locking the bathroom door and giving ourselves a buzz cut late one night is not the way to go… Except hair does grow again! But – more than likely if we cut off our long hair to an asymetrical, pixie cut we’ll be regretting the loss of our gorgeous locks. — A few months more down the road a fresh look is a super idea. Dramatic color changes are best for later along the recovery trial, but some highlights or a lift in the early days – absolutely, go for it. – New clothes, a new handbag, sandals, jewelry or a scarf. Absolutely. Refresh, revive as we can.

Know this: 

We don’t have to make all our decisions right away or all at once.
We’ll know what to do when we know.

Be patient with ourselves. Embrace our own lives with compassion. Be loving and kind to ourselves. Tell ourselves – really – as in say outloud: “I don’t know what to do right now. That’s okay. I’ll know later.” – And indeed, we will.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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www.truelovescam.com was founded November 2014. True Love Scam™ – Recognize and Survive a Relationship with a Con Man and True Love Scam™ Recovery and it’s agents are not licensed attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. www.truelovescam.com content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty and is not responsible for decisions, actions or their outcomes made by True Love Scam Recovery™ readers or email subscribers. See the entire and full True Love Scam™ Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

Fearless and Free After a Sociopath

Long after the loser is gone we might have lingering fear.
This is the opposite of what we want to be, which is: happy as a lark!

pipsieAre we still shaking and quaking long after they exit? Our freedom is really, really in our hands.

Become fearless and free.
And start singing our favorite tune!

There are two reasons why we might still be fearful: one may be we still know too much about what the nutter is up to at this point in time – the other is not having a handle on what a sociopath really is and what that means – which causes the first.

Go back to viewing the scam through their eyes.

If we know what he or she is doing, where he is, or who his current main-scam is we know too much. If we know what they’re telling others about us this very week or month… we know way too much – Essentially we’re still in contact.

In Contact Leaves us in Fear after the Sociopath is Gone

After the masquerade is over, we’re “broken-up”, separated, divorced – when the initial shock of ptsd is long past, but we have lingering fear we want to ask ourselves – why?

Though we may not be calling him or texting – if somehow we’re aware of his status and actions – sorry to say, but this constitutes “contact.”

We can’t heal or recover while still in contact. This is a roadblock to healing. For super-duper clarity, read here: What is No Contact?

If we’re checking his Facebook page – we’re still in contact.

How Do We Know What the Nut Job Sociopath is Up To?

Let’s be for real’s here: examine the source of the things we know about his doings. Is this info directly from him? His Facebook? Instagram? — If we wanna get better we gotta get a hold of ourselves and get off his social media.

Is the info about him from someone we still contact who has contact with him or her?! YIKES. Why are we still in touch with his “friends”? – Even if they were our friends first – dump them. Block them. Now.

Remove ourselves from his control.
Wherever it is we’re getting news of his whereabouts – end it.

No Contact is about Freedom and Safety

Block whatever that source is in all our devices, on FB and everywhere. Get a new phone number, block his or her number and the phone number of anyone connected to them. Sociopaths always have to move on and cutting our connection to them weakens their connection to us. Only no contact affects them. They know when we’ve truly cut them off – and they know when we haven’t. They. Feel. It.

Cut them loose. Completely.
In case it’s gone unnoticed: we’re the ones in control.

We’re Our Own Angels

Healing and overcoming lingering fear after a sociopath is very much in our own hands. Find the accurate perspective on the madness. – Comprehend what a sociopath truly is – a being devoid of positive emotion.

We can’t allow sentimentality, romanticizing, or misplaced forgiveness to keep us bound to their harm. Stand up. Take our lives back. Renew. Become whole and better than before. Give this to ourselves. – No one else can. And – we can. We truly are our own saving grace. Decide our lives are valuable enough. Claim them. Be fearless and free.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

Schedule a True Love Scam Recovery Consultation with Jennifer Smith.

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www.truelovescam.com was founded November 2014. True Love Scam – Recognize and Survive a Relationship with a Con Man and it’s agents are not licensed attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. www.truelovescam.com content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty and is not responsible for decisions, actions or their outcomes made by true love scam recovery™ readers or email subscribers. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery™ Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

Rebuild After The Nightmare – Our Dreams Hold the Key

Write down our dreams we’ll see who we really are.
Not our goal-dreams – our nighty-night, sleepy time dreams.

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We really do have all we need inside our selves. One of the most underused resources to our inner life and inspiration and self-knowingness is our dreams. The kind we have in bed at night.

By writing down our dreams the morning after we can find many clues and answers to what we want, how we’re doing, and who we are. – What we need, what’s going right, what we need to do next. – May sound absurdly simple and a little to hippy-dippy. – That kind of thinking is something that leads us to losing out on something significant right in front of us. And free too.

Writing down dreams is a door to ourselves.
In this book: A Field Guide of Lucid Dreaming, the author says:
“Every time you dream, you are washing up on the shores of your own inner landscape.”

Here’s how to find our inner landscape and see who we are – and how amazing:

  1. As we go to bed tell ourselves to remember our dream.
  2. Have a notebook or paper and pen or pencil nearby.
  3. Sleep, dream. And wake.
  4. Grab that paper and pen and write what we remember of our dream.
  5. Start with whatever’s in our head and keep going.
  6. No worries about the beginning, middle, end. Just write.
  7. Keys to what we were really dreaming about fly from our pen to paper.

Here’s an example of my dream writing.
I know other people’s dreams are hideously boring. Skip it if you like.

In the dream I wake in the middle of the night and walk into my kitchen, on the way there gigantic outdoor type roaches are crawling on the carpet and on the kitchen floor.

So you’d think in the dream I’m reliving trauma and having a “bad” dream.
Let’s see the next segment of the dream:

I’m spraying the roaches with a clear plastic bottle of bleach and water. It’s killing them. It’s gross. I hate them. Then the bugs are gone, but my laptop – the one I write to you all from daily – is open and sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor in a flood of water nearly covering it. I pick it up and tip it to drain water out. I’m estimating the damage, and how to get the water out.

The laptop gets smaller in my hands as things in dreams can. – I believe it will be okay. Then a fire starts inside the computer. I blow the flames out, and place it on my desk. It’s very small now and thick, all one piece like an old clunky cell phone. Aaaaaad: It comes to my dreaming mind that it’s amazing that I do so much on this little thing.

So – all okay in the end.
But a weird and gross dream.
Some people might imagine it is a foreshadowing of something disastrous.
Or that it’s about anxiety and fear.

I sat myself down with my delicious morning French press, so-strong-you-need-a-spoon coffee and wrote out my dream as it came to me. In the sloppiest penmanship imaginable. I can’t even read it. As I wrote my deeper psyche-unseen things behind all the elements and happenings of the dream fell onto the paper – that’s the magic – and lo-and-behold as the key words describing the real truth of the dream popped out at me I felt better and better and finally, kind of in awe of myself – and of life.

As I wrote down the dream-scenario of killing the bugs, what I had to do to accomplish their slaughter poured out – thoughts I hadn’t had as I was dreaming: I had to chase them, go after them… I had to be relentless, I had to be aggressive, I had to be persistent, I couldn’t give up. And I was, and I didn’t. – And it wasn’t those nasty bugs I was dreaming about after all: It was me, and how I am in my life. – A dream reminder that I’m doing okay. – And handle things well and am resourceful and ... You get the idea.

I wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t written the dream down.
I just woulda been bugged by those bugs all day.

And the laptop in a puddle and then on fire? — Writing down the dream revealed it was about how I handle things well, how confident I am that all will be well. No matter what. It showed awe and gratitude I hold for myself for turning my hideous time with a con man into a positive. – This had been my determination when I found out what he was – didn’t know how then – but I determined the hijacking would be the best thing I had ever done.

The emails from readers and the amazing recovery session results are proof of that – it amazes me every day. –  All from such a tiny little corner in my tiny little home from my tiny little laptop and myself. Humbling. Awe inspiring. i inspired myself with my own self. – Not such a bad dream after all. – But – I wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t written it down.

Write down our dreams to see who we really are.

 

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

Join the confidential true love scam recovery email list
Encouragement will fly to your inbox.

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True Love Scam participates in affiliate advertising programs. Clicks or purchases via ad links on the True Love Scam Recovery site give a teeny-weeny percentage of its price to help support True Love Scam Recovery by offsetting a teensy-bit of the operating costs. This is very much appreciated. Every bit is good.
www.truelovescam.com was founded November 2014. True Love Scam – Recognize and Survive a Relationship with a Con Man and True Love Scam Recovery and it’s agents are not licensed attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. www.truelovescam.com content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty and is not responsible for decisions, actions or their outcomes made by true love scam readers or email subscribers. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

After a Sociopath Privacy Matters

After a sociopath blows through our world privacy is supreme.
Online and our cell phones we want to be invisible.
We can remain anonymous until our heart stops pounding.

telephone2Let’s be real. We’re scared out of our gourd. There is a time period of terror after the sociopath is gone, after no contact we’re still spooked. For sure. For a while. For a long time. Privacy becomes a real issue that may have been very much on the back burner before we were burned by a sociopath.

There are lots of ways to be more private that make sense all the time – not just now, but always. Things like not giving out our address, email and cell number here and there. Aside from side-stepping bill collectors who may now be haunting us (more on that later), and the sociopath hoovering – we can stop spam emails, fundraising calls, carpet cleaner’s calling with special offers.

Who’d have thought our phone ringing could send us into such a panic?
Terrorize us, really…? Well now it does.
There are things we can do.

Block Random Incoming Calls

Put ourselves on the National “Do Not Call” Registry. Do this here. This is the Official Website – a US Government site for putting our number on a list that keeps telemarketers from calling us. No windshield repair calls, no carpet cleaning calls, no new credit card calls.

This does not effect tele-fundraising calls! They’re different. Non-profits are exempt from this government “do not call” listing. So, do this: If you get a call from Telefund or GiveRight, or Donor Services Group, or others calling on “behalf of” any political campaign or cause such as, The Nature Conservancy, The ACLU, The Humane Society, the ASPCA, Smile Train, Habitat for Humanity, moveon.org and the like, don’t yell at the miserable person on the other end just trying to make a barely-survival-level living in this type of hideous work – but, do say, right away: “Please, take me off your calling list.” That’s it.

Saying, “I don’t take these calls,” will not get you off the list. That person on the headset at a computer terminal on an auto-computerized phone-dialer system has very little power, and is not directly affiliated with that non-profit cause you love, but is an employee of the boiler-room, subcontracted fundraising house hired by the non-profit.

Exception: I have found absolute security and respect with PayPal and AMAZON.
Seriously. And ETSY. – I use them freely.

Cell Phone Privacy

Cell Phones:

Get a new cell phone. Consider this: skip transferring old contacts. Start fresh.
Get a new cell phone number. Verizon has an automated system for this.
Or get a new old-school landline.
Screen all calls.
Don’t pick up calls from BLOCKED or UNKNOWN or UNAVAILABLE and the like.
Turn off “Locations” in Settings, unless we’re getting driving directions or mapping on in GPS or ordering a Lyft.

Important to Remember: When we change our cell number be sure to update our number in the Lyft app in our phone, with our mom – skip the dentist, our Verizon account, our Facebook page – they do not nee dour number. Give it out only to the people we want calling us. — This means absolutely no one connected to you-know-who.

Keep People From Seeing Our Number

And so wonderful: Block our outgoing number when we make calls!! How? *67. That’s it. Dial *67 before touching in the rest of the number. The other person will see: ANONYMOUS or PRIVATE or some such indicator on their caller ID or cell screen. Voila! – This is for North America.

In Europe and New Zealand and Australia push #31# before the number you’re calling on Global System for Mobile cell phones (GSM).

Stop giving out our number:

Don’t enter our telephone number online anywhere.
Use a dummy number – maybe an old number of our own.
When signing up for store club cards enter 888-888-8888. Really they don’t need a phone number AT ALL in order to work for us and accumulate shopping points.
Don’t enter our number online for social media accounts.
GIve a dummy number when signing up for drugstore and market “club” cards – totally legit to do this.
Use a dummy number everywhere – unless they need to text verify. Then consider how much we want whatever it is you’re signing up for.

When on a call with AT&T and they say, “What number can I use to reach you in case we get disconnected?” Say: You can’t. They will be politely flabbergasted. They will ask 2 or 3 more times as they’re trained to do. Be firm. Say, “There is not a call back number.” – How about don’t get disconnected? How about call me from within the office in the US instead of a call center in India or Mexico…? – Okay that’s another topic.

Make an Alias Email – Not Our Name

Email:

Make a new email address in a format that doesn’t identify us by name. Also – preferably one that doesn’t reflect our current circumstances such as narcsurvivor@- or kikdsociopathtothecurb@-, or afterhell@-, or postapocalypse@-. You get the idea, we’ll grow out of these and really not like them very quickly – this is not who we are. Use the new email to set up social media accounts like Facebook.Find out more about making an alias FB account here. Make a fresh new email and online identity. Chose something glorious.

Secure Legal ID and Financial Privacy

Social Security number:

Stop punching in our SS number in keypads in queues in our cell while calling our auto insurance, healthcare etc. Use our member ID numbers. Put an alert on our Social Security number for fraud. Go here: Follow this link to the Official US Government Social Security site.

Debit Cards:

Change our PIN every 3 – 6 months. Definitely change it after the sociopath.

Credit Cards:

Don’t buy what we can’t afford. Paradoxically: Use them.

When a sale goes wrong, or a product or service isn’t what we expect we’re protected. If the vendor or retailer won’t refund our money for what ever reason or if we prefer a refund this way: we can call the card issuer and ask for a “charge back.” Credit card companies are always on the side of the consumer.

Did you know you can ask for lower interest once every 6 months? All we do is call and ask them too. They’ll say, “Let me look that up and see what’s available.” If they can, they do it. Sometimes they say, “No” – other times “Yes”. Try it regularly. It all depends on their business circumstances and cycles and our standing. Ask.

Our Credit History and Credit Report

Credit Report:

Get our free credit report and FICO score here. Click here. This is the Official site. It’s FREE to get our credit report! Don’t pay anyone for it. We can get our report once per year. This is a good time to do it.

We are awesome. We’re our own Angels. We are Super Heroes!

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

Join the confidential true love scam email list.
New posts & encouragement fly to your inbox.

Visit truelovescam’s profile on Pinterest.

True Love Scam on Tumblr.

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www.truelovescam.com was founded November 2014. True Love Scam – Recognize and Survive a Relationship with a Con Man and it’s agents are not licensed attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. www.truelovescam.com content and it’s linked social media or other online articles, emails, information or advice is not intended to replace services or advice from professional therapists, psychologists, medical practitioners, legal authorities, U.S. immigration authorities or licensed attorneys of any specialty and is not responsible for decisions, actions or their outcomes made by True Love Scam Recovery  readers or email subscribers. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

3 Powerful Ways to Rewire Trauma

Awaken Emotional Memories of Safety and Love.

Bring up stored deep brain patterns of feeling good.
Doing simple things we did in childhood brings back our strength.
Remembered sensations of love and security rewire the present trauma.

happy-stick-girl-clip-artHumans are amazing. We can rewire our emotional experience of the moment for both health and well-being. During the madness and overload on our nervous and adrenal system – the betrayal so deep we feel broken, we can go back to very primal and simple methods that bring us from the dark side and into the healing zone. We can rewire our brain and get synapses firing that signal: safety. It’s proven scientifically and more than that – felt immediately – I don’t know about you guys, but that’s always enough proof for me.

Use our emotions to support us rather than defeat us.
There are basic steps to reigning our emotions to serve us.
Emotions are a source of deep intelligence.

Which area of the brain deals with emotions? The limbic system. It includes the amygdala, the hippocampus, the thalamus, and the hypothalamus, among other parts of the brain. This is where emotions originate. When an emotion occurs, it triggers the body to deal with the situation…emotions are essential. They connect you to other people and provide you with information about yourself. Emotional control has to do with regulation; it doesn’t mean avoidance or white knuckles or stoicism. It doesn’t mean squashing your feelings or needlessly expanding them. If you have control over your emotions, you’re not afraid to feel, and you understand that your feelings won’t last forever. Use your emotions as a path toward greater understanding and as a way to inform the decisions you make about how to behave in the world. ~ Pamela Milam, June 10, 2015 rewireme.com

 

The amygdala and neighboring regions is part of the brain that’s just not active in a sociopath or psychopath. – In a normal brain, it functions in full living color allowing us to feel and experience life in marvelous, gorgeous breadth and depth; to feel love and joy as well as sorrows or loss painting a unique and vivid, wonderful life. Yes! We want it all! Emotions are a valuable intelligence in the physical form of natural chemical-cocktails of serotonin, oxytocin and other good stuff.

First and foremost, we want to notice our emotions. Say to ourselves – even out loud: “I feel really sad right now.” And then say to ourselves: “That’s okay. I’ve been through a lot. I’ll feel better soon.” Noticing and acknowledging how we feel – neither dramatizing or harboring the sad, nor ignoring it – is the key to harnessing that inner intelligence – to use the miraculous built-in chemical plant out bodies are to heal and become stronger, wiser and happier.

We can bring our own relief using our emotions.

Here are 3 things we can do to stir up in our amygdala feelings that transform and fortify us from right where we are within the sad of recovery. The emotions we summon with these 3 easy, and nearly mindless, yet profoundly powerful activities, cause us to remember who we are; to sense again our own true strength, courage and beauty. We can bring out emotions of security and confidence; bring out the “self” we thought we lost. Without a doubt we are not lost!! Inside us remains the kernel of purity, true self – and happiness. Draw upon it. Call it out.

1. Music. Select music that causes our joi-de-vivre to soar! Our spirits to rise. Our soul to sing along. Music is a tuning fork that our body connects with – choose music that brings out the happy and the awe we feel for ourselves, Likewise – don’t play “our” song – or music that recalls you know who. This is OUR TIME. Time to thrive! – And maybe sing along.

Listening to music is one of the most effective ways to alter your mood and perceptions of a situation. You can create a personalized capsule or virtual reality with a mood directly linked to the music you choose. Make a playlist of songs that reinforce character traits that are linked to being confident, upbeat and optimistic. This will get regions of your brain firing in sync to make this mindset a reality. By listening to this music when you are in an environment that is associated with negativity your brain will begin to weave in more positive associations and become rewired. ~ Christopher Bergland, March 28, 2012 psychologytoday.com


2. Writing. There are many writing exercises from word clusters to journaling that bring ourselves, back to ourselves, by stirring emotions of self-recognition and self-love. It inspires renewed self-admiration and pride; we see our value, creativity and personal gifts laid out before us as if for the first time.

Word clusters and Morning Pages shift our brain.
We activate freedom and creative flow; reduce “thinking” & worry.

Word clusters are done as follows: Take a blank piece of paper. In the center write a word (or 2, or 3) that are basic and neutral such as: Yellow. Or: I Dream of. Or: Love. Or: Yesterday. Or: Butterfly. Or: I want. – Chose a word of your own… whatever comes to you. Then – write every word that comes to mind from that center word. Keep writing freely. At a certain moment, a sudden shift will happen – go with it and write what ever comes out. A whole poem, a short story. Write away until there is no more to write. – Might just be a chapter in your new novel. For sure it feel amazing.

Morning Pages dump the trash we don’t even know is there.
This leaves us spontaneously taking action we’ve been unable to make.

Morning Pages found in the book, The Artist’s Way are a method to unblock and repair. All we do is go to bed. Leave a notebook, paper and pen near by. Whenever we open our eyes in the morning reach out for that spiral notebook or loose leaf paper – grab the pen or pencil and write – 3 pages are a good amount to brush away the cobwebs. Morning pages are scribbled without really looking at the page, spelling is not a factor, neatness is not a concern. They’re not to be reread, saved, or sifted through as a walk down sentimental lane.

I’d give an example of my morning pages,
except they’re 100% illegible, even to me.

Write whatever comes out. It usually makes little “logical” sense. Disjointed, and nonsensical is more than fine, it’s what our brains do, let it go. Example: giraffes under umbrellas at the crack ofdawn had dinner dontown bforeeverybody came to see the carshow – without punctuation – or with it; misspelled words or not – just let it flow. If you don’t have a pen, mime the writing tool and do it with bare fingers. If you’re too sleepy do it with your eyes closed too! The thing is: it isn’t the words as they end up on the paper… it’s the motion of cursive writing and the activity going on in our brain while dredging up the unconscious, allowing the stream of consciousness outpouring of whatever is in there, that makes a shift and leaves wide open space for clarity and spontaneous positive action.

Wake up emotional memories that make us feel good.


3. Color. Relax, De-stress in a way that harkens back to childhood. Float away in the flow. Yes. Freestyle – or in coloring books.  They make amazing coloring books for adults now with butterflies and fairies; wildlife and dolphins; mushrooms and elves hiding in wooded glens, and glorious turreted castles… Go ahead – color outside the lines. Get a new set of colored pencils or crayons… remember that smell of those magic Crayola crayons? Those crayons and some water colors and a smock make a really cool mind-easing afternoon doing wax-resist paintings – remember those?! This beautiful blog Sun Kisses, Moon Hugs reminds us how.

Happiness is to be found within your own life, in your thoughts at this very moment. You yourself are most noble and precious. ~ Daisaku Ikeda www.ikedaquotes.org

Recover, rebuild in every way. Mind, body and soul. Reframe the nightmare. And take care of ourselves, rebuild health. Rebuild joy – skip, play hopscotch, ride a bike. Go for a swing in a park – soar as the Phoenix rises from the ashes.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to thrive!

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Walk it Off After the Sociopath Walks Out

Okay. So. Truth.
After the sociopath we’re left with many things.
Mostly super icky things.
We need to find the good after the sociopath walks out.

After the sociopath walks out we’re each left with a basket of garbage and rubble we need to turn to great good for ourselves. We might be left with some good things we can spot right off the bat; definitely we’re left with some not so good things that require persistent and courageous attention. One of those such things that I haven’t gotten a grip on yet is: Fat.


Before the sociopath I was pretty fit.
Yoga, dance, hiking, walking…
Great stamina for touring Disney Land and flea markets.
I want that back.

I’m not a woman who strives for Skinny-Minnie. The opposite: the idea of being too thin freaks me out. Seeing so many size 2 and under tiny, little boyish-waifs who refuse to eat pasta, bread, French fires, cheese, any nuts aside from raw, organic almonds; eat no butter, bananas (too much sugar content) or heaven forbid – ice-cream – at least not in public, I can’t handle that. Ice cream…? Who doesn’t need ice cream once in a while?

I gotta be me.
We gotta be who we are.

Rapid and scary weight loss is part of the ride out of hell after a sociopath. First I dropped 2 clothing sizes practically overnight after the monster checked out. Then gained those and 2 more. – Yes, count ‘em… that’s an up swing of 4 clothing sizes. Yikes. 2 Lost. 4 gained… so I’m carrying around an extra 2-sizes of behind. Let’s say 2 and a half. – I don’t know my weight in numbers; I don’t have a scale. I find them brutally demeaning. I weigh heavy, meaning I can carry more weight than I look like I do. – A lot more.

Many of us are left with our health torn apart after the sociopath walks out.

I also battled being sick a lot after the sociopath, so there were days – weeks at a time – I skipped exercise because of migraines, outbreaks on my hands of blisters that bloom with stress, or a cold – which I started getting every 3 – 4 months V.S. once in 3 – 4 years pre-sociopath. As chub-laden and sluggish as I am, I barely make it through a yoga class. I tried. The teacher kept singling me out to ask if I was alright, as my belly fat blocked me from bending and gyrating myself into a crescent side twist that wasn’t excruciating. Under her scrutiny my size grew alarmingly. My now super-huge thighs and extra-fat feeling knees left me unable to rest in child’s pose. At every solicitous query into my “okay-ness” I wanted to knock her in the head. Or scream, “No. I’m not okay. I’m fat!” — And out of breath. And nearly collapsing to the floor.

Do what works. Bit by bit life gets better after the sociopath walks out.

After the yoga session I tried walking outdoors; embarrassingly, I feel too fat to walk! There’s a rolling sensation from ample ass and back-side through my hips and groin and thighs rendering a rhythmic, lumpy duck waddle. It’s disheartening living in stretchy jeans (in a size I abhor) and long-sleeved tee-shirts in a world where women wear skinny jeans and tiny body skimming tops that show their exercised and tanned arms and short or long sundresses – called town gowns – year round.


And sometimes, alone, at home where no one can see me I think I’m still beautiful and wonder why it matters. Then someone asks me to go to a concert, or a show – and I say, “No.” – Because I truly have nothing to wear. I’ll not buy a little black dress to cover this. It would look so bad to my eye that I would crumple and cry before I got out the door. And heels make the impression of a huge, lumpy olive on top of a spindly tooth-pick. Horrible aesthetics. Sigh.


I console myself that I have nice feet & a good pedicure in year-round sandal country.
Killer hair too. Sorry to be so superficial, but every bit counts right now.
But, neither of those are health risks.

I know, I know, we might say all of this is ego, or superficial. Maybe. But I feel it all in quiet agony. And – the thing is –  I feel my body freezing up; I used to do all this close-to-impressively-advanced yoga, and walk, and feel like a dancer, a swan – able, competent. What if the roots of some serious illnesses are developing here? High blood pressure and high cholesterol or heart disease or diabetes. Surely it’s  best to loose weight. But… dieting? It makes me nervous. It makes me eat… more.


I want to be me – and a better me – after the sociopath.
Our futures are our own.
We can make our lives as we choose.

So on a significant day for me – I took myself in hand. December 4 marks the day I began practicing the Buddhism I practice with SGI – pretty impressive, if I say so myself, something to celebrate. But, on this day I was bedridden with a cold; it looked like a dismal day of defeat. I decided this would not be the case. I vowed that despite outward appearances, despite not being able to move: Today would be the day I became an athlete. A yoga-lete, I coined the name – unless that already exists somewhere out there – because I want to live my life doing yoga and walk-jogging and hiking. So, that day I got myself together. I’ve heard so many times that you can “walk yourself fit”. So. Here I go. I will let nothing stop me. Start where I am and walk it off. Grateful for moving.

I went for a 30-minute walk in the neighborhood avoiding people. I ignored my rolling rear-end. At a mid-height garden wall I lifted my legs and used it to stretch. I said, “I’m an athlete; a yoga-lete. This is the first day of being an athlete.” The following day I said, “This is day 2 of being an athlete; a yoga-lete!” – and did some stretches. I felt good keeping my word to myself and said, “It may not look like it, but I’m a yoga-lete.”

The next morning, I woke up smiling.
Looking forward to how cool it’ll be to see
my tummy shrink back into its proper place.

On that day – Day 3 – I went for a 30-minute walk, more vigorous, though nothing truly athletic, but outside, where people could see me. I passed The Peninsula Club on South Santa Monica Blvd, and witnessed a man and woman climbing out of a Ferrari. He lifted her with a hand leveraged in his.


He looked typical Beverly Hills with jeans, a Kitson-perfect tee-shirt and the right hat and sunglasses. She looked R.I.D.C.U.L.O.U.S. She was über slender, short, as is the norm here in HollywoodLand, but made tallish in extreme platform heels of 5 inches giving her feet the flexibility of a horse hoof. She wore all black. A short black dress, her black hair in a meticulous up-do. Dark, updated, Breakfast at Tiffany’s sunglasses, and because it’s winter in Beverly Hills – a black fluffy wrap held close around herself, clutched in her hands in front of her rail thin body.

As we can all now recognize a sociopath when we see one – we can read people in general. The “read” evoked involuntary laughter – after she walked by. She had her head held as if in mockery of a high fashion model’s fish lip, sunken cheek haughtiness, as if to telegraph “I’m so beautiful.” Vapid, empty, like a cutout paper-doll. She took it all so seriously walking the same attitude; one foot placed directly in the path of the previous step, the far-apart, inner edges of her thighs only striving to meet. She rolled forward in awkward rotation, roiling from her hips and back-side as I did! – So. Wow. I walk like a faux-fashion model without even trying!

I am AWESOME.

Day 4. I did a 2-mile walk exercise video with closing yoga stretches in my apartment hosted by Leslie Sansone. I even broke a sweat. I’m an athlete. I’m a yoga-lete. I’m a fashion model, yoga-lete walkin’ It off after the sociopath walks out. I AM Awesome. WE are AWESOME!

And, you know what? Now neuroscientists have proof: diets don’t work. Eat intuitively. Live intuitively. Trust out lives. Here’s a TED Talk all about it:

Time to Thrive!

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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Rebuild Health After a Sociopath

Rebuild Health After a Sociopath. Rebuild Vitality.

They took our heart, our wallet and our health.
Now we’re going to repair to a stronger, better self!
WE ARE AWESOME!

Rebuild health after a sociopath. Rebuild health after a trauma. Rebuild health after PTSD. These are our priority once some of the chaos has calmed down. It will be difficult to pay attention to and nurture ourselves. We’re still busy with attorneys, courts, kids, financial repair. Grief. Loss. Betrayal. However: rebuild health we must. Or become very sickly and stay weak. This is not an option. We are Awesome!

Breathe. Revive. Restore. Heal.
Sound like a new agey-b.s.-mantra?
Think twice: If we don’t do these things we will not make it.
If we don’t rebuild our health with natural,
easy, daily nurturing and self-care: we will become very, very ill.

Prescription meds, alcohol and coffee are not the solution; they will be the cause of more destruction of our health and happiness. Those with no previous anxiety issues may have them after a sociopath. Insomnia could reign. Immune disorders plague us.

Out of sync adrenal glands & weakened over stressed livers can cause a number of diseases.

Extreme weight loss early on, followed by weight gain later, will stretch and deplete our bodies. And, oh my gosh..! Who wants to be ill and not able to wear our favorite jeans? — Because of a con man!?!?! No. Nope. – Not. An. Option.

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