Category Archives: A CON MAN IS

The workings of a con man’s mind. A con man is a sociopath.

10 Signs Our Spouse is a Sociopath

We’re kinda falling out of love.
We’re walking on egg shells.
This is such a mess.

Amazingly in the last five days I’ve helped reveal – to my own shock and surprise, let alone theirs – that two of my long-time, best-friends-in-the-world have each married sociopaths. How can this be…?

Incredibly I know each of them from a different time in our lives, from different cities – and now they each live in the same city.

One sent me a text, randomly five days ago saying she’s ending her marriage. The other that her divorce is final, but he won’t move out. She’s still paying for his cell, and his car and health insurance. It hit me like a ton of bricks. – Omg. – Sociopath two and three.

Three friends. Three sociopaths.
The one who hijacked me, and the two who hijacked them. Three too many sociopaths.

Friends Married to Sociopaths

So, I introduced my friends to one another. Who else would understand their plight?

As we talked and sent texts flying over the next five days, I witnessed them each grasp a wisp of the truth of what they were in – but not fully grab onto it. They’d get a snip of insight, make an infinitesimal shift in perception and then bob back up to the surface of “normal”, interpreting what these maniacs were doing from their own sweet-hearts and further misplaced empathy born of the popular views on handling relationship issues.

Devastating and endangering thinking when we’re with a sociopath.

And I remembered: it’s unbelievable at first. The dawning that Mr. Dream Man is a Monster is slow. And why wouldn’t it be? How would we understand something we’ve never known existed? – I’d have to take them into the dark-deep waters in baby-steps. I asked myself: how much do they need to see for their own safety? Is knowing the whole enchilada going to help them? Or cause more shock than they can handle? Will they believe it? – If they don’t, they may not take action.

Be Fully Aware: There are both male and female sociopaths. Male – female – they’re fundamentally identical, though females wield sexuality more boldly and have a few extra specialties in ruining their targets: 2 Dangers of Female Sociopaths and 1 Difference Between Male & Female Sociopaths.

Nothin’ wrong with us.
 We self-reflect. Try our best. 

Sociopaths Don’t Want Doormats

We who fall into this trap laid by a sociopath are not stupid, are not door mats, are not codependent, are not ninnies. These two friends of mine are strong, independent, have careers and pay their bills. They’re responsible, respect worthy, are intelligent and educated. They contribute to the world and are wonderful daughters, sisters, friends – and wives. So – don’t think for a second there’s anything wrong with you or your friend if you got bagged by one of these nut jobs. But – how will we know?

We can’t conceive of being with a sociopath – because – well: what is that?! – And: doesn’t that only happen in movies? – If only. And if only liar’s pants really did catch fire. So how will we know? Here’s a hint: in the beginning, after the good wears off – it just feels like things have gone bad, just bad. And then more bad. And then really bad that drags on and on to a grinding, exhausting degree.

Here’s what my friends said about their marriages. Without knowing they were with sociopaths they described exactly what it’s like. If you’re feeling two or more of these, chances are Mr. or Ms. Right is completely wrong-in-the-head and possesses the abnormal brain of a sociopath.

10 Signs Our Spouse is a Sociopath

  1. He doesn’t want a wife and what he needs is a mommy.
  2. He has a kid he didn’t tell me about before we got married.
  3. Being married to him is like trying to build a life on a roller coaster.
  4. He orders me around the house.
  5. I think he’s bipolar. Or mentally, somethings wrong.
  6. He accused me of threatening him when I suggested he get his own car insurance.
  7. When we first met he was so charming and paid so much attention to me.
  8. We sleep in separate rooms.
  9. He put us in major debt and hid it. He blamed me when I found out.
  10. He stopped working months ago.

There you have it.

More Things that Show Our Spouse is a Sociopath

Other things that signaled my friends had married sociopaths were that each of them suddenly lost huge amounts of weight. Both of them talked about their husband’s rage. And those husbands didn’t seem to care about anyone but themselves and thought they were victimized by their wives – and nearly everyone else.

Each friend was really stressed about money. They both said they couldn’t sleep well. They were both confused and anxious. They thought maybe their hubby was mentally unbalanced. And seeing someone on the side. They were exhausted. They were worn to the bone. At their wit’s end. They wanted out. They felt fear. Nothing they’d tried to do or say had changed the marriage for the better or altered their husband’s behavior in the slightest. Sometimes the men seemed to care or act differently, but it wore off.

I told them to “act normal” at home. And take immediate action on the side.

How to Get Away from a Sociopath or Make Them Leave and Stay Safe

So – I encouraged them: to act the same around the house while they quietly made changes.

  1. To secure their valuables and legal documents – because sociopaths steal things from their spouses. They take things that matter to us and things they can re-gift or pawn.
  2.  Take the offending spouse’s name off of all accounts and change passwords and logins.
  3.  And to no longer pay for any of their life, or cook or clean for them or pick up the tab or the dry cleaning. – When maid service stops, the sociopath’s interest drifts profoundly.
  4.  And to take their next legal dis-entanglement steps toward divorce.
  5. And to begin looking – quietly observing – at everything the “man” of the house did and said from how sociopaths think – after all they’re the ones making the crazy. –

I call it, “reframing.”

Reframing is the only way to see what’s really up. We won’t see what’s really going on using “normal” thinking. Having a breakthrough moment to the truth immediately reduces trauma and shifts awareness, piece by piece we see what we’re really facing.

Learn the skills: reframe our circumstances
with a sociopath to see the truth.
Nothing is what we thought it was. 

How Do We Face Being Married to a Sociopath?

Taking in the sobering realization that the man living in our house and the father of our children is a sociopath isn’t done at the snap of a finger. It’s not easily taken in when we hear someone say it’s so. – We might reject their words, or them.

Where does this leave my friends? Let’s put aside the concept of “sociopath.” Let’s say my friends were to look at everything from the eyes of an entirely selfish person who lies, about silly things and very serious things and does and says what they do and say to get what they want and not be held responsible. – That would do it. What would they see? Who would they see? (Hint:  you know it – a sociopath named Bob, or Darryl, or Sally, or Tracy… whatever name their spouse goes by.)

Regardless of reaching the full conclusion that their spouse is a sociopath they’d see a fresh angle to the crazy at home. This could save them. In these fragile early days of their world turning upside down they don’t need a full horrifying discussion of the danger they’re in, the ptsd about to really hit, or an official diagnosis of NPD or ASPD, or Cluster-B.

A fresh angle on how off kilter things have been could inspire swift and confident action in separating from these creeps, who – aside from any mental-health exam conclusion – were Class 1-A, lazy, lying sh-t-heads. It could ensure their safety. It was as much as they could handle. Hopefully – this was enough.

Update: Both gorgeous friends are now sociopath “husband” free, divorced, done and dusted!

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to thrive!

Set up some true love scam™ recovery sessions with Jennifer Smith.
Guidance out of hell.

Join the confidential true love scam™ recovery email list.

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8 Reasons to Suspect We’re Dating a Sociopath

It’s the little things that add up to big trouble.
Every person who lies is not a sociopath… 
A cluster of “weird” and things not-quite-right are part of the mix.

After the big-whammy experience with the con man sociopath who hijacked me for a green card in marriage fraud, and after really grasping how their little minds operate and their quirks and foibles, I know: I’ve had many sociopaths as suitors before.

I’d say I came across my first sociopath
sometime in grade school.

Turns out, I’m the kind of person sociopaths really love to hook – and I don’t mean I’m stupid or a door-mat, or codependent – that isn’t what they’re after – what they want is ordinary and extraordinary kindness. Open hearts, people who care.

Continue reading

Jennifer Smith

October 5, 2016

Under the mask, behind the charm lurks the real-deal Monster.
The sociopath-demon comes into view.
Then ducks behind a curtain of pretty only to flash a thigh of evil.


4a67a6b64637481bea52e414428d5704At first blush a true love scamming sociopath appears charming. Kind. Gentle. Genuine. Unique. Incredible. So sincere our hearts hurt. So devastatingly moving we’re humbled in openings to views and moments in life we’ve never seen before – and reach what seem to be realizations about ourselves, about them – about how to be human – that endear us more deeply to them.

We’ve never felt anything like this before.
We’ve not really heard of anything quite like this before.

In the “honeymoon” phase in tiny, brief, intimate moments with the sociopath, there’s a shimmer, a quiver that last no more than mere seconds, we feel the ground move under our feet. Our brains freeze, while we watch small moments of confusion that feel like hours waggle and wave in front of us like the rare times you see heat waves radiating in the air.

And then it seems like maybe it didn’t happen at all.

In stunned awe, an elevated in-and-out of focus sensation overtakes us – an infusion of imaginings washes through us, and wonderings of: what is this…? finally pull an answer to the shore of our conscious, organized thought – and we grant them immunity in our hearts, musing: They’re better people than we are.

It feels, somewhere in some cruise-control upper part of our mind, – or maybe from somewhere outside us, we get the thought that we just had a view into good we have not yet known.

We’re just people. We only have our past experience and things we’ve heard of or read about to measure this new-whatever-it-is by. – And these all offer no finite answer: and so we do what humans do: we come up with one.

The millisecond flare is so quick – and we’re interpreting from our own goodness – with no clue that something so vile walks the earth. It’s no wonder we can’t see it for what it is… until. Until. We. Do.

If we could revisit those times – we might see that gaping-slit in the fabric of reality for what it is: an opening to hell. A black cavernous infinite hole into the pits of despair.

We Can’t Recognize Something We Don’t Know Exists

We do finally see them. 

img-thingIt’s said we can see only what we know. And so it goes that the ships of invaders into North America couldn’t be seen by the inhabitants on shore because no one had known such a thing existed – until a Shaman divined them shimmering from mirage into a shape. An unrecognizable something. An unknown – assumed good and even God-like from their own benevolent perspective giving the strange-strangers the generosity of benefit of the doubt.

They had to learn the hard way that these shiny beings, like them, but entirely unlike them, in gigantic fantastical floating vessels emerging up and toward them from the watery horizon as if delivered by the unseen beneficent powers of life were not benevolent – but were bearers of rage, disease and destruction.

We can see only what we know. Connect the dots.

And, so it is in life with a Sociopath.
That glittering being is a devil in disguise. – Now we know.

Sociopaths Live in Constant Fear of Discovery

Sociopaths live in a paradoxical reality – a contradictory flip-flopping and internal push-me-pull-you in reaction to who’s present or what’s going on around them in a constant attempt to stay hidden, stay unrecognizable – to keep people trusting them and keep getting the things they need to survive.

Sociopaths are unstable. Their world is house-of-cards fragile. Their posing is easy to topple. Here are 5 hidden traits of a sociopath that are their Achilles heel.  – Traits we know well, though we might not have named them, if we’ve lived through the nightmare of knowing one. And in the case of a sociopath – knowing one – truly is knowing all.

5 Hidden Paradoxical Traits of a Sociopath

Constant fear of being caught. Alternating with a flamboyant confidence in fooling people with their bragaddociousness.

Mentally inflexible. Are greatly startled by unfamiliar situations causing them to flail and change course or alter previously stated beliefs or convictions. And can hold onto a point of contention like a wild dog with a bone.

Easily distracted. Fixated on one target then distracted by another and another from moment to moment juxtaposed with an underlying unwavering fantastical “goal” derived from their grandiose perception of themselves and follow an improvisational rather than planned approach to the “goal”.

No nuance of emotion. Swings between highs when winning and dark lows when failing in scams and deception – their “home base” is a vapid nothing.

Believe other people’s lies. Their world is lies. If presented with a lie from someone else rather than act on it or call it out as a lie they go along with it as a reality. – The more fantastical the lie the more they buy into it.

Use the Sociopaths Weakness to Break Free Forever

Use their myopic minds against them for our safety.

Let’s transform the experience. Let’s make use of it. Because for all our compassion and empathy — isn’t it useless or even harmful without wisdom…? Let’s embrace ourselves with compassion and awaken our courage forged in this fire of newfound wisdom. Understand there’s much to stand up for: our very lives, our goodness. Humanity. We must win always, as the sun out shines the night stars to bring us day.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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1 Difference Between Male & Female Sociopaths

Is there a difference between male and female sociopaths?
Aside from the obvious…?
There is. And it’s a biggy.

tumblr_liimgyPMZ51qd0m9uo1_500All sociopaths have an abnormal brain. And they know it. As kids they know they don’t fit in. They know they’d like to strangle their puppy just as much as pet it – maybe more. They fantasize about bashing their little brother’s head in. But they know this isn’t “okay.”

They decipher from their parents’ frowns and scoldings and groundings, and sit-in-the-corners and probably eventually a few spankings by incredibly frustrated parents, that showing their true cold nature, their complete lack of loving feelings is not acceptable to the grown-ups around them. – And for now they need the grown-ups.

Sociopaths Are Sociopaths in Childhood

All sociopaths are identical in purpose: they want our stuff.
Our well being, health, bank accounts and sanity are the fallout.

As these antisocial psychopath children grow they learn to hide their oddity. They learn to hide the empty chilling-void where kindness and connection ought to be. They hone observation skills and catch on to how to appear normal with turned up lips in a smile to counterpoint their dead eyes. They figure out when to laugh and when not to; like at the teacher’s joke and not when that kid on the playground gets hit in the head during dodge ball.

“Antisocial” does not mean they don’t like parties and flirting.
“Anti” comes from Latin for “against” or “outside.”
Sociopaths behave “against’ or “outside” what’s expected in society.

They gain skills in using knowledge of ordinary, wonderful humans behavior to scam them. To steal. To take. To prop up their own empty souls. – After all every life forms strongest impulse is survival – be they male or female – normal healthy, gorgeous human – or antisocial psychopath.

Statistics say there are fewer female sociopaths than male sociopaths.
Maybe. Or are they harder to spot? – Less likely to be recognized?
Because – aren’t all little girls made of sugar and spice?
Not when they’re sociopaths.

Female Sociopath – Male Sociopath – All the Same Thing

Here’s how female and male sociopaths are alike:

All sociopaths think they’re superior beings to all normal people.
They’re proud of not having emotions.
Sociopaths have flexible and genderless sexuality.
They mimic normal people in order to gain trust so they can take and use.
Sex is used as a manipulation tool or animal release.
They have lots of people they scam at one time.
Everything they say is a lie.
Everything they say is to manipulate in order to take and not be caught.
All sociopaths lie, steal, cheat, are violent and ruthless.
There is no positive emotional bonding with any human being.
They feel no like, love, care, concern or compassion for any living being.

All sociopaths are identical.
Male and female sociopaths are identical in tactics, thinking.
Except in one respect.

Things Sociopaths Say

To understand the difference between male and female sociopaths, let’s see if we detect any distinction in these real, actual comments uttered by various sociopaths to a person they had ensnared:

You’ll never win. I can ruin you.
I’m not like you; I don’t care like you do.
I make everyone I date sick. (In the literal meaning, ill.)
You can’t beat me. I’ve been doing this since I was 17.
You don’t even know how many times I’ve brought other women/men in here.
You only think you love me. You don’t know me.
I can’t talk to people like you do, I’m not your average 22-year old.
These stupid police! I have them wrapped around my little finger.
I’m about to get physical. You don’t wanna see that.
I could make you jealous with men or women.
If you knew who I really was, you wouldn’t love me so much.
I’m not emotional.
I don’t have empathy. I’ve tried to have it, but I don’t.
I’m done with you. You’re useless.

Could you tell any difference? Could you detect which chilling phrase was hissed by a female or a male sociopath? Probably not. Not really. Because there is no difference – except one.

Female Sociopaths Differ from Male Sociopaths

In the area of offspring male and female sociopaths do vary. It’s a fundamental difference that affects the lives of tens of thousands of people across the globe who are the other parent, the grandparents, the half-brothers and sisters of these abandoned kids, the aunts and uncles and the children themselves – forever.

Female and male sociopaths are different about having children in the following ways:

The numbers of children they typically have.
The reason they have them.

Male sociopaths seem to be on a fervent mission to populate the planet with their offspring. And then abandon them. Never see them. Maybe never meet them from birth. Except to use them as images of fatherhood and their own awesomeness on Facebook and Instagram or as a doorway back into a former target’s life when things go bad and they end up without a place to sleep, shower and shave. Or for control. Sociopaths do not love their children.

Female sociopaths have children for one reason.
It’s economics. It’s for their own survival.

Female sociopaths don’t seem to have the overwhelming desire to sprinkle the earth with their seedlings the way men do. Although there may be rare exceptions to this, the vast majority of female sociopaths avoid having children. For one, childbirth ruins their marvelous bodies. It takes time. It takes them out of the con for too long altering the way they can operate significantly. There’s too much down time.

Female sociopaths do not love their children any more than a male sociopath does.

Sociopaths Use Their Children for Cash or Damage

There’re only a few raw reasons a female sociopath might go through the trouble and pain of having a child: In order to gain alimony and child support or property rights. This is usually done through marriage – sometimes not.  This makes a female sociopath stick tenaciously to their biological children if that child is a meal ticket. Having a baby or babies in lawful marriage leaves the female sociopath in a position of power to divorce and take alimony, property and child support money that is meant to be all for herself. These children are usually discarded once they reach puberty or early teens. – As soon as the child support is over. As soon as a better meal plan comes along in the form of someone with a bigger wallet. As soon as they’re bored. 

Sound impossible? Read here – the clear and words of a self-proclaimed female sociopath about children:

I find… children to be completely intolerable. It can be very difficult dealing with… children because they behave so selfishly and unreasonably. If it were just up to me, no problem, I could just ignore or terrorize them… ~ Words of a Female Sociopath

Believe it.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to thrive!

Set up some true love scam™ recovery sessions with Jennifer Smith.
Guidance out of hell.

Join the confidential true love scam™ recovery email list.

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Sociopaths are Bored Nomads

Sociopaths are Bored. And Boring. As in: Big Yawn.
Sociopaths are bored often.

Sans anything going on other than monotonous, grinding “want.”
The brain of a sociopath is mostly empty.

Sociopaths are devoid of nuance. Absent of shades or variations lending uniqueness. The part of the brain that registers like, love, care, concern, compassion is – unplugged. It doesn’t operate normally. They’re just kind of Blah. They pretend to feel ’cause they know this emptiness freaks us out. – And, at least in the beginning, they don’t want us freaked out –  they’re fakin’ it to get things. – Hey – By the way, female sociopaths are just as boring.

Normal humans have emotional shades and nuance. When we take in a moment in life, a human exchange, our bodies make up a chemical mix that rushes through our blood stream  to the brain and animates us in emotional responses of gratitude, empathy, delight, joy, or reverent awe, or an endless combo of sensation.

A grand cocktail of life that forges deeper connections with others around us and to our very selves. – In a sociopath this function is absent. They switch emotional response on and off – sort of. But not really. There’s still no one (human) home. Though a sociopath might say: We feel emotions. Ours are just different. – Well. Yah. That’s the point. They’re pretty much just Monster.

Sociopaths mimic emotions they see us feel.
They don’t feel feelings like we do.
It’s all bars and tone – or desire and rage in the sociopath’s brain.

Sociopaths Don’t Feel Connecting Human Emotions

The simple things that take our breath away, illicit tears, smiles, giggles or a sigh weigh in as a heavy clunk of next-to-nothingness in the sociopaths “heart”. The pride in our child’s college graduation, first prom, first steps, or our teary eyed satisfaction at giving the perfect gift to a loved one are experiences a sociopath will never have. Nope. They have more like white noise where love should be. Or blazing contempt. Or boredom.

When we feel:

Delight – At our child’s achievements.
Pleasure – In helping someone besides ourselves.
Joy – At a new-born baby.
Compassion – For another’s sorrows.
Satisfaction – In a job well done.

A sociopath registers personal gain:

Delight – At ensnaring a new victim.
Pleasure – In a well told lie.
Joy – At scamming a new place to live.
Compassion – There is none for anyone.
Satisfaction – In a smear campaign well done.

And then they’re bored.

A sociopaths sole desire is to suck-in, take, and destroy. They’re laser focused on this – and also get bored along the way. Sociopaths spice things up flipping from one scheme to another. They seem to have many “projects” going on, or a lot of “opportunities” they’re considering, or they talk about many “business” ventures they’re setting up all at the same time. They’ll talk about one – forgetting they were hot on another two weeks before – then shift back to the first one or a third and a fourth one – staying up all night to plot it out.

This back and forth shuffle is sifting through “plans” – searching for the “idea” – that sticks. The one that brings them money through “investors” and “lovers” – meaning the one that drains money from their targets, those other women and men we don’t know are in the picture being used just as we are.

Instead of Bonding: Sociopaths learn new tricks with each person they con. The nut-job who took me for a spin on a crazy-go-round learned that USCIS (U.S. Immigration) doesn’t check a green card applicant’s previous marriages – or current ones  – other than to the spouse sitting right there in front of them with the immigrant (scammer) during the USCIS interview. – Meaning he could have 50 wives and no one will know.

Without emotional attachment where’s the thrill in staying?
It’s business as usual for a sociopath.
Another boring day on the job.
This is no romance – it’s a crime.

Con Men Get So Bored

Ironically, this boredom with a person they don’t care about is one of the most normal things about a sociopath besides the need to eat and sleep. Without emotional attachment pretending to be in love with someone could get kinda boring when you think about it. And bothersome. And loathsome. – And don’t they show it!

The boredom makes it hard to keep up the front. They drop it and then shove the mask back ,in place drop it, put it up. They’re dropping the facade out of boredom, turning their attention towards the scent of new targets in the excitement of the hunt and anticipation of the pretty things they want to steal. This inconsistency is how we see through them, but that’s okay with them, sociopaths don’t care about longevity – they care only about winning what they’re after and going free from blame.

And so, the change in geographic locations over and over. Every 3 – 10 months they need a complete rotation in prey and  new hunting grounds. They might fluff things up by leaving town for bit – or –  their welcome is so worn out – meaning too many peeople are cathching on to what they are – they’re forced to move on entirely. They pack light. They leave things behind. They skip and hop from place to place without their name registered on a lease or posted on a mailbox. They hide behind their prey for official things like rental contracts that tie them down.

It just got sooooo boring up in here.
What…?!! Stay because of a job? Pffhhhtt!!

Most sociopaths have sketchy work history – or work they fake – other than a spot of something real here or there at best, but you can be sure to find fantastic things about the great work they’ve accomplished online – ’cause that’s what they were really doing up all night: posting incredible things about themselves. Without that – they’re so boring.

Whether a sociopath skulks in a low rent district or a high-rise, through all the lies they’re hard to trace and difficult to pin down. The bored nomad-sociopath moves on to shake trouble from their tail and stir up glittery resources. They make a get-away to fresh territory and ripe untapped prey – “want” never leaves them – ever on the search for more money and more fun. – Otherwise – they get so bored.

Sociopaths are bored. And boring. Big yawn.
Who needs ’em?

There are many great books here to read more about these travelling monsters. Understand what’s really going on and set ourselves freeeee!

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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Narcissist vs Sociopath vs Happy

Narcissists are nasty, but they aren’t Sociopaths.
Sociopaths are monsters who are narcissistic.
Dump them all and be happy!

d62cbd9ba60d4c482e0cee6fedf971feNarcissist vs Sociopath. Knowing whether we tangled with a Sociopath or a Narcissist isn’t super important – it’s only something that can save our lives, our well-being and our families.

There are vast differences between the two and lots of confusion about which is what.

It doesn’t help that most materials written on this ever-growing topic describe the traits and actions of a Sociopath — but call them a Narcissist, or Narc or a Narcopath. – As sensitive, emotional humans, it makes sense to soft pedal whats going on, but it causes confusion where we need clarity.

In our quest for happiness we’re best without either of these two.

Calling a Sociopath a Narcissist is a fairly natural thing to do. Sociopaths are “narcissistic” – 100% self-focused and self-centered. This is narcissism to be sure. And the word “Sociopath” sounds so much more horrific and ominous and sounds too close to that horror: Psychopath. Well. Yes. On all counts… because it is. “Narc” or “Narcopath” are euphemisms, colloquialisms, slang – made-up, easier-to-handle, easier to say names for the much uglier truth of a Sociopath.

What’s a Psychopath…? That’ll be another article.
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The thing is there’s a medical diagnosis, Narcissist and a medical diagnosis, Sociopath and they are two different things. Being described as a Sociopath when you’re in fact a Narcissist is not really fair to the Narcissist – to be honest, that’s how much worse Sociopaths are than Narcissists.  – The medical diagnosis and agreement on NPD, Narcissists is flexy and uncertain – it’s been altered over the last few years and NPD has been all but eliminated in the 5th edition of the medical mental diagnostic manual, the DSM.  Here’s a description of a Narcissist or what’s been called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD.

We do need more shades of meaning for the word assh–e.

Chances are if we call him or her a monster we’re confronting a Sociopath. Clinically, a Sociopath – or having Antisocial Personality Disorder or being an Antisocial Psychopath – these terms indicate the same beast, involves having a specific under-functioning brain that cannot be repaired. The difference matters a lot in getting away and recovery.

Whatever we call them – we don’t want them. We’re not doctors, we don’t want to be doctors or psychologists or neuroscientists – we do want to be happy. Where the difference between these two comes into play for us is in our lives, not mental health medical books.

Forget the clinical descriptions. Let’s look at the differences in real life. 

First a look at Narcissists. Narcissists are unpleasant, yet essentially normal people whose unfortunate, emotionally immature and self-focused personalities spoil everything.

Narcissists have a snarky way about them. They can be nice or nasty one minute to the next, in front of anyone, to anyone, anywhere. Narcissists vary in levels of self-absorption from narcissist to narcissist. Some are only petty and annoying while some seem loony in the extent of their unflinching, closed-circuit “me-ness.” Sometimes it’s like no one else is in the room except them and their audience of self-approval. – It’s always a sad, frustrating, hard time talking with them or being close, feeling like it’s okay to say anything as friends, family and partners would.

Each Narcissist has their own way of being a pain in the derriere. (That’s French for caboose, behind, rear-end.) They aren’t especially predictable one to the other, but if you know a particular Narcissist you can begin to guess when their moods will shift from tolerable to caustic to mean. How they manifest caustic and mean varies depending on the individual Narcissist.

Here’s an example: Let’s say a neighbor draws you into conversation when she sees you getting the mail. You’ve learned to avoid her because it usually goes something like this: Neighbor: Nice day isn’t it? You: Yes, lovely. The Narcissist: I don’t know what to think about that so-and-so-in the news lately. You: It’s horrible isn’t it. We need to look into new policies or laws that stop this. The Narcissist: Well, don’t talk to me about that, that’s not my concern!! – Like a slap in the face. Every. Time.

Here’s a different Narcissist: Two seconds into a conversation with a big grin, So, you believe in God, don’t you, Bob? Don’t you know there is no God? This is the age of Nihilism. You: Great.  – And you walk away. — You already know not to be dragged into their particular brand of antagonistic narcissism.

Narcissists have a chip on their shoulder.
They whip it out to bonk people on the head with.
This occurs at any random second during ordinary conversation.

Narcissists control the household, everyone is held hostage to their whims and expectations that revolve around themselves and their intense opinions. If we have a Narcissist parent we might find as we get older there’s a much sweeter world out there where we don’t all have to agree that Siamese cats are ugly or that eggs can’t be digested in the morning. We’ll find we aren’t inherently, eternally rotten for ruining their 38th birthday by falling off our training-bike at age four and breaking our arm. Or for robbing them of their “best umbrella” because the friend we loaned it to one rainy day after school 25 years ago never returned it.

Traits of Narcissists:

Begrudging of others’ happiness.
Think they’re fair and open-minded.
They’re jealous, but don’t think they are.
Resent and make pokes at people or things that take attention away from them.
They hang onto any chance to complain about or criticize someone; have strong opinions.
Retell moments from their past that carry inappropriately harbored emotional impact.
Have a sense of self-importance and can be indignant about people different from themselves.
Make backhanded insults and sharp put downs anywhere to or about anyone.
Are sometimes predictable about what sets off their mean streak.
Narcissists cause awkward moments with searing insults or “jokes” that cut like a razor.
They humiliate another person publicly to the total shock of everyone present.
They can be doctors, lawyers, bus drivers and hard workers or slackers.
They can be morally “upright” or not.
They may or may not abuse family members or loved ones physically.
Criticize loved one’s in public. Can demand loved ones look and behave a certain way in public.
Are overly empathetic towards people or circumstances they relate to or suffer with.
Turn conversations to their opinions, concerns – or lose interest in the conversation.
Theoretically a Narcissist can change their ways.

Being so self-absorbed, changing their ways is very unlikely.

Narcissist vs. Sociopath vs. Happy

Narcissists are impossible to please, make terrible mates, and rotten friends. At best they can be “okay” to spend time with if we go where they want to go for dinner and agree with them all night. At worst they make misery everywhere. When someone has nothing invested in any type of relationship with them things are easier. They can be funny or intelligent or not, their personalities vary. Conversation is sprinkled with the Narcissist’s acerbic and self-centered awareness. – If they’re drinkers or yellers or violent… it’s soooo much more harsh.

While some words used to describe a Sociopath and a Narcissist are similar – the depth and breadth of the manifestation of these semantics is light years apart.

What Narcissists Are and Are Not

Narcissists are not pathological liars. –  Pathological means all is a lie. It means they can’t not lie. It means lying even when they don’t have too and about small things and big things.  – That’s pathological lying. It’s not lying sometimes, or on some occasions or to some people; it’s lying all the time to everyone about all things because that’s how they’re wired.  – (Sociopaths are pathological liars – even if we don’t yet see it. )

As a fundamental trait, all Narcissists are not this:

They don’t entrap people to live off them financially.
They don’t hijack people’s lives to sustain their own facade.
They don’t mimic and fake emotions to seem normal.
They don’t have criminal minds devoid of humanity.

Can Someone Be a Narcissist and a Sociopath?

Technically, yes. Here’s where lots of confusion comes in. If a Sociopath (Antisocial Psychopath, ASP, ASPD) were to go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist and ask for a clinical diagnosis (as if) they could potentially be given a double diagnosis as ASP and NPD. Here’s the thing – NPD is on an individual sliding scale of narcissism and nastiness and has lots of personality characteristics individual to that person. Sociopaths do not. Sociopaths have abnormal brains that leave them very nearly 99.99% identical in thinking and tactics and traits from one sociopath to the next though one is a skate boarding obvious drug addict and one wears a power suit on wall street, or is (omg) a fancy-pants psychologist. — if we’re involved with a Sociopath, for our practical purposes of escape and recovery – that brain in their heads, those Sociopath limited and fixed traits over-ride and subsume the traits of a Narcissist. If they’re both – they’re a Sociopath. — NPD people are not necessarily Sociopaths; statistically there are many more Narcissists out in the world than Sociopaths, ASP. However, there could be many unrecognized Sociopaths mistaken for Narrcissists. Sociopaths by definition are inherently 100% narcissistic, but they’re far, far worse and more harmful, than any Narcissist.

We don’t need a diagnosis of their mental state to know what we’re standing in front of.

Sociopaths are Dangerous

Sociopaths are technically referred to as Antisocial Psychopaths, or as “having” Antisocial Personality Disorder or as Sociopaths. They are narcissistic, as in they think they’re all that, but they are a whole different thing from being a Narcissist. — Sociopaths are faaaaar worse. They can never change. Some are more savvy and have garnered more tricks for tapping our human emtions so they can use us than others. Their brains are missing the element that registers feelings of love, like, care, concern or compassion – for anyone. They are incapable of positive bonding feelings. Zero. If we think they have a heart, their mask is held in place by our great goodness and trust. We have a very hard time accepting, believing, seeing evil. – That’s normal.

Narcissist vs Sociopath: This isn’t the case with Narcissists, but Narcissists are not fun to bond with. If we have a Narcissist as our mom or dad… they do love us, but oh, how it hurts. – Sociopaths are pretending love – they feel none. Sociopaths are incapable of loving anyone. Forever. – They cannot get better. Therapy can make them more dangerous.

Sociopaths have an abnormal brain. This can be seen in brain scans on children as young as three years of age. Their cold behavior stands out as young children. The portion of the brain that registers any positive bonding emotions doesn’t function.

They feel no love, like, care, concern, compassion for any person. Not their mom, their dad, their, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, grandparents, spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, or their own children. Not strangers, coworkers or neighbors. They hold the same lack of care or connection to the postman that they do to their mother.

The younger they are the less experience, and so less skilled at conning typically. They begin to live fully by lying and scamming in their late teens and early twenty’s. They learn more about scamming and conning from each target and improve their bag of knowledge about what effects normal humans as time goes by.

Sociopaths Characteristics and Limitations in a Nutshell

Sociopaths destroy lives; we might not see all this at the moment, but it’s there. All Sociopaths intentions, needs, wants and their thinking is identical and predictable. – Every target does not become aware of the full resume of the Sociopath who hijacked them. – Don’t wait for more proof.

Everything is a lie. Many times even their name is a lie.
They tell the truth in odd moments, saying something very off like, “I don’t have empathy.”
They try to imitate normal human emotions, but feel none, though they can pretend to.
They do not bond with anyone.
They adore being sociopaths.
Sociopaths target kind, loving, empathetic, strong, independent, loyal amazing people.
They feel no love, no like, no care or concern for anyone. Not even us.
Out and about they strive to be charming, kind, smart, funny, sexy, entertaining a hero.
Immediately they create a sense of having met our soul mate or best friend ever.
Sociopaths move quickly to escalate the relationship.
They win trust of a target, take, ruin and smear targets before and after they leave.
Sociopaths have several children and spouses. Males have more children.
They do not love their children, but pretend they do to look good in order to use people.
Sociopaths hide some relationships and make others public.
They work hard to look good in front of others.
Their faces and physical appearance change depending on circumstances.
They deliberately treat their partner very well in public or around family.
They keep many scam girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, or business scams at one time.
They can be male or female and con and seduce people of both sexes.
This can be hard to see, but they don’t live from work, but live off others.
If they work, it’s not what it seems and fails.
They’ll commit crimes to shift blame or avoid being caught – or just because.
Sociopaths ignore our texts or calls, and expect us to answer theirs.
They show up when they want to not based on when we need them or expect them.
Or they sit home endlessly.
They’re so, so busy and unavailable.
Or you can’t get them off the couch.
They text others and are online nearly constantly and consistently.
Sociopaths think they’re a victim; they tell stories of others doing them wrong.
Sexually anyone and anything is fair-game – because love has nothing to do with it.
They walk a thin line between illegal acts and legal behavior.
Sociopaths steal from targets, their prey (that means us), from anyone they want to.
They tend to steal things that are valuable, irreplaceable or sentimental to us.
They avoid sex with primary or select partners.
At the same time they’re highly sexually active and promiscuous with others.
They’re night owls with erratic sleeping patterns.
They seem accomplished in some area or field – they  aren’t – it’s swallow and fake.

They all have a varied combo of this and hide it: Other identities, kids, wives, husbands, divorces, annulments, crimes such as forgery, blackmail, fraud, false claims, nonpayment of taxes, porn, unusual sex related practices, money, debt, prostitution, violence, assault, rape, gambling, jail time, pedophilia, omni-sexuality, alcohol use, and drug habits.

Wondering why we fell for them about now? – Because we’re normal.

How Sociopaths Function

They feel no remorse, or guilt or shame… or anything other than desire. Desire for money, clothes, food, shelter, cars, status – anything and everything that comes from anyone but themselves. They live off of other people entirely as parasites. They have no relatable human emotions. Any expression of care, like, love, connection is faked. It’s a game to them. They mimic normal humans to create trust and bonding with people they target for the purpose of taking from them. Then ruining them. Then smearing them. 

Sociopaths are Narcissistic – As in the Verb “To Be Narcissistic”

Sociopaths are entirely self-absorbed and have myopic view that they’re better than everyone by a zillion miles, that they deserve whatever they take from anyone, and that we as their victims deserve whatever they do to us. – And they can be incredibly concerned about their looks.

They have stories of being victims repeatedly, in business, at work, by lovers, by strangers, by “haters”… Essentially – they’re nuts. They’re charming and deluded monsters. They carry out new ploys on a whim and constantly have a stable of multiple targets. They are always looking for new targets. Sociopaths who do hold actual jobs stay in them on the backs of others and do little aside from taking credit for others accomplishments and ideas and attempting to make themselves look amazing.

They like to impress us with their skills – and work as little as possible. 

They’re improvisational – they’ll switch main prey suddenly if something changes, or they come up with a different idea. They’ll do impulsive things to protect themselves and even be violent to defend their security. They’ll put themselves at risk of being arrested or caught by impulsive behavior that’s meant to keep themselves from being found out. To get something very close within their grasp they’ll cross lines – or walk a very fine line between legal and illegal like balancing a tight rope wire.

They lie always. What they say and do is to get what they want. It’s a lie or a mislead. Even when they let out bizarre snips of truth about themselves. This is also to pull empathy by seeming vulnerable, or pulling out trust by seeming to be able to admit weaknesses such as, “I try to have empathy, I just don’t.”

They are career scammers. It’s how they live. They’re often addicted to a drug, alcohol or porn or gambling. They hide this. They’re genderless and omni-sexual. They hide this. Sex means nothing to them except as a control tactic and as an animalistic release.

Chances are, many of us who thought we were breaking up with something
called a Narc, a Narcissist or a Narcopath
are in fact, escaping an Antisocial Psychopath – a Sociopath.

Sociopaths are not Narcissists. Narcissists are mean, nasty, unpredictable, create utter misery. Sociopaths present a façade of a person who does not exist. They mimic normal human emotions to gain trust and then take from and use any people they target. They leave destruction and ruin in their wake.

For the Happy, in a simplistic and obvious few words: stay away from all of the above! : )   Reframe the nightmare with a sociopath.

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Sociopaths Sexual Boundaries

Sociopaths sexual boundaries. Vague. Twisting. Bending. Illusion.
Seducing vampires.
Sociopaths sexuality is fluid.
Sociopaths play with anyone in their path.

tumblr_mzv0fgxELR1r2idzvo1_r1_400Sociopaths sexual boundaries change with their prey. The gender they present is another part of the mask, another piece of the trap. Everything about a sociopath is presentation, including a sociopath’s sexual boundaries and sexuality. It’s all a deliberate façade.

Their outer disguise is held in place for the sake of winning trust and then using the humans they snare – men or women.

They care nothing about gender boundaries, sexuality or in fact age. Sociopaths sexual boundaries and gender qualities, their sexuality is a tool in their arsenal to suck in victims to feed upon for their livelihood. The rest of us just go get a job.

Sociopaths Use Sex to Ensnare Victims

No matter their outward gender, no matter the gender of a target, they lure in, coax out the same trust; administer the same feigned care; take with the same malevolent agenda. Execute the same betrayal. Evoke the same pain. elicit the same fear. Let slip the same bone chilling words that reveal what they really are in truth so evil our mind rejects it. Our heads spin – and being the humans we are we try to reconcile the bizarre with what’s right and good. This is trauma.

The sickening Sociopath says: “I’m not emotional.
I don’t care like you do.”
Believe them.  With them, the strange is truth.

Sociopaths Do Not Feel Love or Bonding

This is a hard one to accept. Seeing sociopaths sexual boundaries and gender as an open-ended expanse, colored in and molded to fit whichever prey dangles in their claws, was a revelation I experienced after the trauma. In the earlier days, as I gathered evidence for my annulment from among the flock of women the sociopath I married kept in his grip, one fiance asked me: Is he bisexual? One of his girlfriends asked: Is he gay? A disclosure from another fiance: We’d get really drunk and he’d F–k me in the a-s every night.

A wall slammed shut somewhere in my head. It was more than I could take without losing my balance. My head spun, the earth fell out from under me – a part knew this was the truth. I grabbed on to it fast. This saved me.

Once the room settled, the light bulb went off. I saw the sexual ambiguity.

He’d could shut down sexuality with me. He refused to have sex with me. He made excuses for not being sexual with me. – Talk about painful. Mingled in the confusion, his rejection brought out desire. – Desire to please, to appease, for his attention, a glance, a word. Desire plain and simple. Then desire and pain. Then only pain. – Then I was finished.

But before I came to the end I gave the benefit of the doubt. I looked for answers that didn’t include straight out rejection – or his being a sociopath – that was no where on my radar yet. I Googled – I discovered something called sexual anorexia, or intimacy anorexia. I decided this was the problem. – A condition that keeps people from intimacy with their primary partner, but renders them highly promiscuous. – He was no such thing. But my thinking he did bought him more time in my life.

Sociopaths are Highly Sexual and Sex is a High

His sexuality was rampant – flaring in the condoms that fell from his pockets while undressing at 5:00 in the morning after a nights prowl. It glared in the crinkled business cards he collected and carried home like grubby smeared candy wrappers from a kid’s birthday party tossed on his dresser. Cards from Nikki, Janet, Mike, Simone, Tony, Heidi… an in-take of men and women. He spent the day after sorting the cards, shuffling them in his paws while he sucked on a Heineken.  He passed them off as potential “business connections.” – He was big on networking ; )

In our first months together he’d sit up until early in the morning talking and talking – I sat at his feet – his simpering, agreeable audience.  A telling night he went on and on about being  overlooked for a part in a film because he wouldn’t sleep with the male producer – ten years before. He seemed haunted by this – ten years later it’s worthy of sociopath-story-hour… but was this true…? – Ahhh, probably not. Somewhere in it was a kernel of a reality, veiled in lies was the more likely reality – the flip-side: he had wanted to – or did – sleep with the producer.

Sociopaths sexuality is ambiguous.
Another mask that falls away. Another bottom that drops.

Sociopaths Talk About their Inner World

He’d told me a few times he didn’t “approve” of men “being gay.” He believed it was revolting – and a choice; a sin. He was African and Catholic, after all.

He also seemed fascinated that men wanted to sleep with him. He confided in me, leaning in to whisper about people he knew, “I think they’re gay. Could they be gay?” He asked this in wondering amazement, as if voicing this for the first time, spinning intimacy between us, related to sexuality – around the idea of sexual boundaries. They tune in on a primal level and use sexuality relentlessly to tie up victims – at the same time – they’re unaffected emotionally except for the high it brings.

Sociopaths set the stage, create the scene they need.

He laid out the scenario, wondering at the “gayness” of the others. He said a friend reached across and, “Touched my knee! I think he wanted to have sex with me.” In virginal, Catholic altar boy persona, he played demure innocence, a wide open facial expression – his age receded, he seemed like a little child. He looked at me, excited and intent, as if I had the answer to his question: “Could he be gay?”

The Truth About Sociopaths and Sex

Reframing this moment after he was long gone, it’s clear – there was no innocence -nothing but wide-eyed hunger and the sick panting of a dirty, wild jackal. His eyes glassy remembering the ecstacy of the kill. – He liked telling these stories – he got to relive the high. Like licking the cake batter remains from the bowl, or knawing a bone to get the last bits of flesh.His tongue flicked for the lingering flavor of past conquests.

When a sociopath talks badly
about others, he’s talking about himself.

Looking back on it, his body language and tone were utterly feminine, or genderless and ageless when he told the story. In retrospect – looking at it from the psyche of a sociopath – it’s clear he was talking about himself. — He had placed his hand on a knee. He had wanted to sleep with the friend. Or did.

Bizarrely I’d been into a sickening sexual experience with him without his touching me. Not an experience I enjoyed – but he did. A sociopaths words are never wasted. All have effect. Ensnaring another is the sole function of their tiny brains – juxtaposed with their self-adoration.

Male and female sociopaths do victimize women and men, as friends and romantically and sexually.

Know This: Sociopaths sexual boundaries or gender preferences don’t exist. Sociopaths sexual boundaries and sexuality are flexible and shifting depending on what they need to gain. They use sexuality to tap into a primal emotional realm of the victim. None of the sex has real emotion for them, but it binds us to them even without physical contact.

Sociopaths are Genderless

Here’s a bone chilling quote from an anonymous self-proclaimed sociopath:

I was 17…very sexually active. I had begun playing a role of a very feminine person; by then, I had a few sexual partners, which were men… having very neutral affection for them, I find them sexy and all, nevertheless I find women cast in the same light, it was as though I was in between the spectrum, whichever way my head turns, my feet would follow.

I hadn’t no emotional attachment to neither sexes. I can feel what I need to feel, with whom I need to feel it with, at whatever the prize I was out chasing after. I can be completely alone, and I would not feel a need for either, for years I could go without.

However, when it’s of use, I will bring that person, the character I play, to life- gay or straight. There was a time I considered becoming a transgender, specifically so I could f##k men, and try out the role of a gay man.

I exist in the way I have to, for the reasons that serve my needs at the time, the feelings I pull are music to my lyrics. I can be whoever you want me to be; I can be a dream or a nightmare, but I don’t exist, there is nothing there, I am your delusion. ~ Anonymous Self Determined Sociopath

Sociopaths sexual boundaries and sexuality are ambiguous. Sociopaths have no gender. They mimic the sexuality of their body for social ease and acceptance, and then borrow the rest of the sexuality spectrum as needed. They don’t want us to know this. They keep many things about their sexuality hidden.

Sociopaths Have Limited, Inflexible Thinking – We are Awesome

Antisocial psychopaths – sociopaths – use the same tactics on all their prey, and not just in love scams, again this is because of the limited functionality of their brains – our emotional brains and their brains collide. Sociopaths treat everyone the same, in true love scam with a target of the same-sex or opposite sex. A business partner, a neighbor, man, woman, child. These are not relationships – they’re criminal acts of defrauding and abuse. 

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