Is it possible to be a sociopath magnet?
Feeling like sociopaths gravitate to us?
Are we “addicted” to the “abuser?”
Sociopaths – antisocial psychopaths – are the broken ones – not the people they target. Sociopaths need normal people who do what normal people do when they’re in love and believe they’re mutually invested in a relationship: love, give, relationship build, compromise, trust, stay when the going gets rough.
We’ve all heard the tune: “Stand By Your Man”
And what gentleman ignores a damsel in distress?
Sociopaths can’t survive without us.
Here’s what I say: don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you’re “addicted” to abuse; that you’re a sociopath “magnet”; that you “did something” to “attract” them. Do not believe this load-of-poo – no matter who says it. – No matter how “qualified” or important they are to us – because: they’re wrong.
Sociopaths can detect vulnerability.
If we’ve been ensnared by one, but don’t understand what really happened
the primal hunter looking for prey smells us and knows we’re vulnerable.
Am I a Sociopath Magnet?
In my work with those coming out of what the therapy industry has coined as “narcissistic abuse recovery” and “narcissistic abuse recovery” and holding sessions and meetings with those of us the therapy industry says have “narcissistic abuse syndrome”, I also have conversations with counselors and therapists who, in confused and flummoxed earnestness ask me: “Why do they stay?”
Meaning why do those under the thumb of a user or abuser “stay”?
The first times I heard this I had no answer. — Because I was stunned they had to ask.
I gave answers that floated to the surface, but weren’t full answers. I had no real answer in those moments. My usual can’t-stop-talking eloquence evaporated. These conversations put me in a sickening, defensive position of trying to stand up for every one of us who’s ever been hijacked by a living, breathing, thieving antisocial psychopath who raided our lives for goods and services under the guise of “love.”
How is it these “experts” I encountered: counselors
licensed therapists and multi-degreed psychologists have no idea about the truth
of what we go through and how this happens?
Do I Attract Narcissists?
If by “narcissist” we’re talking about a sociopath – you didn’t do anything to attract them except have a pulse and be normal. (Sociopaths and narcissists are two different things.)
Do Sociopaths Look for People with Low Self Esteem?
No. Sociopaths do not look for people with low self-esteem. – They can cause people to end up feeling incredibly low. – And, yes, that’s part of how they get people to “stay.”
Let’s assume anyone who goes into psychology, therapy training, or goes into counseling has good intentions. Let’s say it’s the curriculum used in these degree programs and trainings that, at this point in time – have become obsolete as the understanding of the dynamics between a normal person and an antisocial personality disordered user evolve to a new and more accurate place.
And: YES. There are female sociopaths.
Enabling the Narcissist
These psychologist’s questions left me with no words and my mouth hanging open. They knew malicious people existed; but they believe – and treat clients – from the belief that the damage rendered by sociopaths was the fault of those entrapped and used and destroyed. How? Is? This? Possible?
This harkens back to the dark-ages (unfortunately, apparently only last week) when rape victims were to blame for being raped because they were pretty, or they smiled, or they wore a sexy dress – or they’re breathing. This echos classic literature like “Tess of the d’Ubervilles” and “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and “The Scarlet Letter” in which the woman is to blame for the nasty things bad men do. – And even more to blame for trusting men who then deceived them. – Blamed by people they turned to for support: spiritual leaders, family, community leaders and authorities who publicly declare to be there to protect and serve.
Do we really believe the earth is still flat?
Of course not. All theories and discoveries and insight evolves.
Let’s step it up. Have the confidence to declare what we know.
After all, a child pointed out that the Emperor wore no clothes.
What Attracts a Sociopath and the Narcissistic Hijacking?
As hard as that is to take in, it’s true: there are monsters walking among us. These monsters depend on regular people. Being a regular person is all it takes for a sociopath to aim their hook and love bombing our way. Sociopaths do this all day long; it’s all they can do – they can’t not be what they are! They need normal, good people to trust them in order to:
1. Validate their own existence.
2. Give them credibility.
3. Make them look normal so more people trust them.
Sociopaths want credibility and normal people to trust them for one reason and one reason only: so they can take whatever they want.
Here’s what I managed to say to one psychologist who asked me why one of her clients would stay with the user and abuser:
“She believes the person loves her… and she’s scared out of their skin.”
And the doctor said:
“But this person has such low self-esteem she isn’t in a place where she’ll admit that he’s a sociopath. She only came to two appointments and now won’t come back.”
What I heard the good doctor say:
It’s her fault she’s used and abused; she’s broken and so buried in denial, she can’t sit here and listen to me tell her about that… and pay for it. (We’re Not in Denial)
If I could have, this is what I would have said:
Sociopaths need strong, capable, incredible, dedicated, loyal, loving, giving, GORGEOUS, normal human beings to use and take from; to give them validity; to cover them with a gloss of trustworthiness.
This woman you’re talking about – your patient – started out as a remarkable person, who like all people trusted, wanted love, believed in love and felt she was in love.
After the monster who hijacked her wormed in and tore her life apart – yes – she has maybe moved some boundaries to try to make what she deeply believed was a real relationship work. (You’ve heard of cognitive dissonance?)
This is what women have been expected to do for centuries, and branded as harlots if they didn’t or tried to leave. So – now we’ve moved to: the victim is blamed for the inhumanity of their captor!? – This woman is a crime victim; a person who’s been defrauded and stolen from and maybe even beaten up and sexually abused.
You can’t help them if your opener is: “It’s your fault.”
If your client had kept coming back to hear you tell her she has low self-esteem – then well, maybe she did. Or maybe she has huge reserves of trust in you to help her.
Using your logic: is she to blame for first trusting you AND you being wrong?
No one can know these monsters exist until they know. And yes, those targeted by them trust them, believe them and feel that they love them. In actuality it isn’t love… we don’t have a word for what it is, other than maybe: hypnotized, or infused with venom that scrambles the soul.
The sociopath isn’t who they say they are – it takes time to discover this. We’ve been seduced and mesmerized – and if you don’t believe this can happen – just tell that to Madison Avenue and the whole basis for the world economy. We’re seduced daily by advertising, magazines, reality shows into spending thousands of dollars on iPhones, Lexus and undergoing surgeries for Kardashian-like-lips.
But a woman or man trusting, investing emotionally and believing that the person standing in front of them, who they share meals with, a bed with, a life with, truly loves them… that’s something you consider so absurd: we’re blamed for that monster in disguise not being trustworthy and instead harming us?!
And more… These great human qualities of trust and kindness, of sticking in with people we love even when times are tough are why humankind still exists on this planet. They’re innate and remarkable, essentially involuntary traits; they’re so second nature we notice our trust and interconnectedness less than we notice our own heartbeat or breath going in and out. Our beautiful human essence, our humanity is taken for granted.
In these crimes these awesome characteristics of trust, believing in love, bonding more in a crisis, even when our loved one is the source of the crisis is branded as a weakness and a fault. The blame for the sociopath’s invasion is laid at our feet. Is this right…? Is this fair…?
You can’t help anyone going through this
if your opener is criticism and blame.
Yes. Mad. For all of us.
I will say these psychologists cared enough and were brave enough to ask me: why do they stay? – Their “book-learning” left them starkly unprepared to support those escaping and healing after a hijacking by a sleight-of-hand, Pied Piper sociopath. In the meantime let’s help them all get there by not accepting the blame for the criminals who invaded our lives.
Take No Responsibility for a Sociopath’s Inhumanity
A sociopath is a sociopath is a sociopath. We didn’t make them. We don’t “let” them. They’re going to remain sociopaths no matter what we do or don’t do. Take responsibility for learning what they are, for realizing by contrast how amazing we are and for our full recovery.
Now that we know sociopaths exist, we can forever sidestep them.
And when enough people gain this skill and discerning wisdom, the destruction and ruin sociopaths make will be lessened. As we get stronger in our humanity, their dark influence diminishes. This increase in humanity gives their existence the only value I can imagine it to have. There’s no more evil in the world than at any time in history. It has simply risen to the surface for all to see.
Remain humane. Stand up for goodness, humanity, and kindness. Demand it. Be it. We are awesome.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to thrive!