Aftermath of a Sociopath – Love Flies Away
The aftermath of a sociopath is a chaotic upheaval of destruction & despair.
We can heal by using the very traits they chose us for.
Compassion. Kindness. Open Heartedness.
In the aftermath of a sociopath is a paralyzing fear. Anxiety, fragility, doubt, and confusion. The trauma and grief in the aftermath of a sociopath – in the wake of their lies – is singular. Unless you’ve been in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath this sad, mad, dazed and weakened state of mind and body will be a mystery.
This is all normal. There is nothing wrong with us. There is everything wrong with the antisocial psychopath who just walked out the door. We’re in post traumatic stress. We have been attacked. Sociopaths take material possessions and rape and pillage our hearts, our emotions, our lives, our souls.
In the aftermath of a sociopath
it’s time to give ourselves the loyalty, the benefit of the doubt and caring.
The Truth SNAPS the Mesmerized Devotion and Love
How it Went Down: In the aftermath of a sociopath I had an abrupt and total break of feelings for my faux-husband, – The entire jerry-rigged universe he made with me blew sky-high. All good feelings I had for him blasted to smithereens. In a three-day span the spell he held over me was irrevocably broken. I woke up to myself. I was very fortunate.
For him the end came unexpectedly – too abruptly and before he was ready leaving him in the lurch. He’d been planning to take-off, because that’s what sociopaths do. — His timing was off. He didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t prepared: he had no ready jumping off place, no prepped and willing victim to fully move on to – or in with.
With the truth torn wide open, in a breath of a whisper I said, “I want you to leave.”
The face of my con man husband went stone blank.
It was kind of funny seeing him scramble. And terrifying.
The End Always Arrives in True Love Scam
I stood four feet from this monster in my house. Small- huge words came out on an exhale, the only sound in the universe: “I want you to leave.” He sat at his desk – his throne of operations looking as if he were deep in thought over some important point. Heavy quite filled the space. I had become the power in the room – he was the one who was hunted. My life was instantly in a primal realm I’d never known before – this was his normal – a world of life and death. I saw true things I hadn’t seen before, sharp in focus like a lioness narrowing in on their prey.
He had moved in with me, I had turned my whole place around to accommodate him.
It became starkly clear: It wasn’t his desk! — He sat at my desk — in my Aeron chair, in my home. His only possession, his sleek, new MAC Airbook – not even truly his, but bought for him by another woman-of prey, living in South America while he was here, married to me. — This globe-trotting scammer had more than a baker’s dozen of us “believing” at once.
My place was his adopted Head Quarters. – His Scam Central of the moment.
He never had a real home.
A Sociopaths Prey are their Survival
This was his hijacked lair. He leaned back in my chair, swiveling in deliberation as he calculated who to Facebook, and email and Instagram. Which chat room and Meet-Up to join. Sending his venom and lies and deception virtually every possible waking moment to scourge up more victims – while he lived in a pretend relationship with me, eating my food and using me for a cook, a laundress, and shelter. And. This. Was. All. He. Had. — This – was all he was.
I was his Internet Provider. His Grub-Shack. His Shower & Shave Pit Stop. His On-the-House Boarding House. He stalled leaving for ten gruesome, blood-chilling days. He was stymied. – He had no other bait hooked deeply enough. There were a few prospects – none were Move-in-Ready. He hibernated, sleeping for three days and nights. Then he sprang into action. As early as 8:00 in the morning – a quintessential night-owl, he was out the door, shaved and shiny faced to walk the boiling-hot streets of LA – hunting down a car, money and a place to go.
Sociopaths are Shameless and Relentless
Though he knew the game was up, he didn’t give up.
One afternoon he tried to work me over again for a car, and – if it weren’t so scary – from another angle it was hilarious and pathetic – he put me through a test to be sure I would not turn him in to authorities for stealing from me – jewelry, money, access to the USA – my life. I went along with his improvisation. I soothed him, as he (fake) blubbered and sobbed, wet slicking down his face in sheets. He wove a sob story about his father having a dream his son was in jail in the United States. When he dropped this punch line I almost laughed out loud. He was gauging what I’d do when he left – if it was safe fro him to leave.
The most significant thing I did was lie.
And lie more. I told him I couldn’t pay the internet bill.
When the Goodies are Gone – the Sociopath Moves on
Without the internet, his main-line source of hunting prey was over in this joint! The next day he had new suitcases, a new SUV and $1,000 cash in his sweaty fist. The next day while I was at work he called my cell phone. I didn’t pick it up. I knew this was his exit. He wasn’t there when I got home Empty hangers swayed in the closet. Chests of drawers hung loose like sad drooping hungry mouths. Then the real terror came.
The aftermath of a sociopath struck with a vengeance. I didn’t know I’d felt safer while he was under the same roof – because I knew where he was. Now he could be anywhere: following me, watching me… I felt like he could turn the door knob at any minute and I’d already had the locks changed.
But I had to handle a truck-load-of-serious, move fast and could not collapse in relief or grief or fear or despair. I didn’t have time to say, “What the bleep was all that?!” – I had to protect and save my life.
I took steps to take care of myself on every front immediately: practical, legal, spiritual – and for mental, physical and emotional health. A sort of super-human capability took over my body and piloted me through each hour, each day that followed.
Sociopaths count on our fear of them.
I could sway him in much stronger measure than his darkness could reach me. When we don’t believe anymore – they shudder with fear, because in essence, without us and others believing them: they do not exist.
This is what I did immediately.
Self-Care, Safety, Support, Action, Protection
- Had my door locks re-keyed.
It came to my mind that I needed, on a fundamental level, to more deeply value and “protect my life”. The next morning I took practical action. I called a locksmith. He couldn’t do what I needed, but gave me a name to call, which locks to get,to save money by re-keying, what the prices should be, and over and over, he said this: “It’s for your protection“, “I’m thinking of your protection”, “I want you to be protected.” – The locksmith he recommended? – Guardian Angel Locksmiths.
They came to my door in a white van. — Did I still sleep with my keys and handbag? Did I still carry all my important ID documents with me, and my laptop and a change of clothes? Did I still shake in panic that I’d see him – or think he was watching me a hundred times a day? Yep. And I felt and did that – until I didn’t.
- Got a solid definition of an antisocial psychopath’s mind. I memorized it.
I instinctively reframed every scenario or memory based on how a sociopath’s mind works. – Playing out his actions and crazy words from the point of view of his mind – not mine. The truth revealed itself hour by hour: I could have been anyone. I was a piece of equipment to him. I was interchangeable and replaceable.
This kept me sane. This kept me away from: “Why me?!”, “How could he do this to me?!” “How could I have been so stupid?!” – I had shaky moments and hours and days – but always went back to this “reframing technique”. Seeing things from his mind-set freed me.
- Got support filing annulment papers, a real live attorney.
The annulment process was too overwhelming to take on. Self-serve divorce or annulment might be doable for dissolving a normal marriage – not in this case – not in the aftermath of a sociopath. An annulment is more complicated; it requires specific proof of fraud. I would not settle for anything but annulment. Divorce was too good for him and not good enough for me. I hired an attorney – who I found through a co-worker. I was so fortunate and so grateful! — That may not be everyone’s situation — the point is this: Let people know what you need. Support will be there in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. Open your heart.
- Sought guidance from a support person in my faith. (Nichiren Buddhism, SGI)
What ever your faith is – make use of it… This is what I did: I called a leader in a support capacity in SGI. I hadn’t met her more than 3 times in passing. We spoke by phone. I was too spun-out in a state of high-high trauma to tell her my circumstances. I could barely speak coherently. Plus I knew the details were not important. I said something like: “I’m in a serious, serious situation. I’m terrified. There are legal issues. It’s really, really serious. I have no idea what to do, but I have to handle really serious things. Now. I can’t make any mistakes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do any of it.” — She said: Chant that everything you do is the best thing. – No matter what action you take – chant with determination that, this is THE BEST thing to do. — It worked. It saved me. It was hard. I trusted my life. I was kind to myself. – Follow your faith. Embrace your own life.
- Talked with my brother and sister daily.
That simple. – No judgement. Pure love. Clear thinking. Listening. Kindness. Encouragement. Straightforward simplicity. Did I have these deeply functioning relationships already in place? Nope. I talked with my brother about 6 times a year; my sister every week or two. He lived in another state; my sister was 6 miles down the road. I determined this would be the best thing that ever happened – that benefit from this con man raid would deepen unity within my family. — Reach out. You’ll be surprised in a good way. Someone is there for you.
- Talked daily with my con man’s domestic partner in Europe.
She was going through what I was – With his child and four years together to make sense of and recover from. We discovered his atrocities together. We healed together. We are best friends to this day and live on two separate continents. There is power in unity. Human similarities beat out any superficial differences or conflicts. We were united and embraced one another from our first crazed Facebook messages.
- Found the courage to talk to his girlfriends, fiances and wives.
I talked with anyone he conned – which was anyone and everyone he knew. I did this over a period of months for a critical reason: I needed evidence for my annulment. – The secondary benefit was it brought me home to the fact that my relationship had been an illusion. – That I had been victimized, but had the power to not be a victim. Incredibly, I helped clean up his damage – I encouraged those who needed it, including a wife, a fiance, a girlfriend and two former “employees”. My capacity expanded, my compassion was proven a beautiful thing. Kindness is good. Trust is good. Benevolence is good. Don’t let a con man take that.
- Got nutritional supplements for stress & other health issues.
The intense stress was killing me. I am not meaning that metaphorically or in any exaggerated sense. I mean it utterly. – I got specific mega-vitamins to save my long-term health. — I also ate almost nothing, slept very, very little, or in a comatose deep sleep and had no exercise other than constant adrenaline rush. Not advisable, but likely unavoidable. I was plagued by sickness. It’s temporary. Healing takes time. Let it. Just keep going.
Got a homeopathic remedy for trauma and grief.
I use homeopathy as my main source of medical care. I took ignatia and arnica to ease the loss and grief. It let my body ease into a place where I could cope and move forward day by day. I couldn’t have made it through without it.
- Talked frequently to anyone who would listen.
Translate to: I did not blame myself and had no shame or guilt. — This goes back to understanding my sociopath’s mind and accepting that I was his unwitting prey. – I did not victimize myself. This does not mean I wasn’t in shock, fear, grief and struggled to overcome the experience. It means I gave myself a break, Gave myself the benefit of the doubt.
- Reported him to every authority under the sun.
Exactly. In detail. Exhaustively. To police, the District Attorney, Immigration – USCIS, and the FBI. It was the right thing to do. It may not be a crime according to the law books to father seven children and leave them, or deceive a woman – many woman at once. To use them, to cause trauma to heart and soul, but: it is a crime to steal. Bigamy is a crime. Immigration fraud is a crime. I didn’t want him to get what he’d tried to take from me spiritually, mentally, financially or physically. I stood up for my own value. I was loyal to myself.
- I drank wine. Yep. I don’t normally drink.
I don’t recommend drinking. For myself a glass or two of wine every night got me through. After about 9 months I didn’t want it anymore – I went back to my normal alcohol intake – which is about 1 or 2 drinks – about 4 times a year. If I had any alcoholic tendencies this nightmare would have brought them to life. Here’s the thing: if you have addiction issues stay away from pain killers, alcohol, recreational drugs, or anything like them. Please find another way to cope. Don’t let this inhuman, con man or con woman be your down fall! Use him to rise up!!
Rise above the fear a con man conjures. Take practical and true, confident steps to resolve any entanglements his or her sick-frenzy wove in your life. He or she chose you because you are good, capable and trustworthy. Because you are loyal, kind and loving. Everything about him or her is illusion. The aftermath of a sociopath becomes our victory dance; the sociopath’s power is superseded by our shining lives when we are strong, march forward and keep loving!!
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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