After Narcissistic Abuse We Want Change

It seems urgent that we solve everything immediately.
We want to move, change jobs, find new friends, refresh everything n.o.w.
Take it one thing at a time.

In the trauma after a hijacking by a sociopath we have a sense of urgency to resolve the crazy and change nearly everything about our lives. To quickly, immediately, RIGHT NOW, follow a compulsion to move, to leave town, to get a different job, try a new look, dye our hair, change friends… sometimes even our names.

This is a natural response to leaving the trauma and the s–tstorm behind. The driving force behind this is yet another wonderful trait human beings have: we care deeply for our lives and our safety and for our children’s safety and happiness. After the big-bomb of getting them gone goes off, we come out of the frozen-deer-in-head-lights-state and have compelling urges to move, leave, go away, change everything. This is an innate protection and survival instinct on overdrive.

Our adrenal glands are in high-high stress and “fight-or-flight” mode.


There may absolutely be some things to initiate, plan and handle.
In actuality – we don’t need to do all of these things.

Moving: If we live with the sociopath in their property or apartment. YES. We must move immediately. If the events took place within our own home THEY must leave. Then we dig in and make the place more of a home.

Getting a new bed, couch or replacing other furniture that we used frequently with the monster-faker is a great idea. I repainted tables and a garden bench and a few other pieces. I replaced others all together. This can be done on the cheap at yard sales, Craig’s List, even roadside finds in some cities, – Paint a wall a contrasting color, get a new piece of art on Etsy, or a framed poster of something meaningful to us.

The security of staying put is much more valuable than uprooting ourselves with a move.

New Job: Possibly. If we worked with the nutter – maybe more so we want to consider this. However, many times it will be the sociopath who moves on. They do know what they’ve done; and we aren’t the first or the only person in the very same workplace they’ve harmed.

Seek familiarity, support, acceptance, comfort.

Job-hunting and interviewing are a full-time job in themselves and stressful. If we can stay where we are and dig in with renewed vigor we ultimately build a stronger life after the sociopath than before the sociopath true love scam. The security, rhythm and routine of sticking with the coworkers, bosses, employees that we know and are familiar with can be a comfort while we journey from hell and back.

While we’re agitated and distracted the familiar takes less attention and concentration and energy. We may be surprised at the compassion our coworkers have for us. It’s another beautiful thing we see about our lives with new appreciation.

The innate qualities of goodness in human beings are stunningly gorgeous.

Wash that sociopath right out of our hair.

Co workers who already know us are more likely to give us some slack and support vs. a new employer who might wonder what’s up with us and assume we’re not cut out for the work, and maybe fire us early on – that’s more trauma and loss we definitely don’t need.

Change our Name: If we were married and took their name: yes! Change back to our birth name or “real name” asap on every document and every account we have. Legally this is an automatic step available within divorce or annulment. There’s a line on the papers where you enter the preferred legal name which is ours at the moment the Judge grants the dissolution of marriage. – Otherwise keep our name. Changing our name or even making our email something that reflects the trouble will only haunt us later and feel disingenuous. Remain who we are and become more ourselves.

Listen to our hearts. We do know what we need.
If there’s any indecision… wait.



Recreating ourselves, reviving who we are.

Change out Hair, our Clothes: Doing something drastic to our appearance isn’t recommended when we’re in the aftermath of a sociopath – the trauma can lead us to think some huge change is a good idea… locking the bathroom door and giving ourselves a buzz cut late one night is not the way to go… Except hair does grow again! But – more than likely if we cut off our long hair to an asymetrical, pixie cut we’ll be regretting the loss of our gorgeous locks. — A few months more down the road a fresh look is a super idea. Dramatic color changes are best for later along the recovery trial, but some highlights or a lift in the early days – absolutely, go for it. – New clothes, a new handbag, sandals, jewelry or a scarf. Absolutely. Refresh, revive as we can.

Know this: 

We don’t have to make all our decisions right away or all at once.
We’ll know what to do when we know.

Be patient with ourselves. Embrace our own lives with compassion. Be loving and kind to ourselves. Tell ourselves – really – as in say outloud: “I don’t know what to do right now. That’s okay. I’ll know later.” – And indeed, we will.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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